Kids jokes-Why?

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, an laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

"Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"

Funny jokes-Longer Dipstick

A woman pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes a dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant: "Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?"
"May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?"
"Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!!"

Really funny jokes-"Awful 4-letter Words"

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
'Well', said her mother, 'so how was the honeymoon?'
'Oh mama', she replied, 'The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic'.Suddenly she burst out crying.
'But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home! PLEASE MAMA!'
'Sarah, Sarah', her mother said, 'calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful?
WHAT 4-letter words?'
Sobbing, the bride said, 'Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook...'

Really funny jokes-Brief survey

Bonnie heard the telephone ring upstairs. Tiredly, she ran back up the stairs only to hear a solicitor on the other end. "Hello, is this Bonnie Goldman?"
"Yes."
"We are calling people in your area and would like to know if you would help us by participating in a brief survey."
Without missing a beat, she told them, "I'm very busy right now. You will have to survey your own briefs."

Funny jokes-Deodorant

Dara walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a bottom deodorant. "Sorry, we don't sell bottom deodorant" the pharmacist replies, struggling to keep from laughing.

"But I always buy it here", Dara says. "I bought one last month".

Thinking quickly, the pharmacist suggests, "I don't know what you bought before, may be you can bring in the empty container next time".

"Sure", Dara replies. "I'll bring it with me tomorrow"

The next day, Dara walks into the shop again and hands the pharmacist an almost empty deodorant stick.

"This is just a normal deodorant", the pharmacist tells Dara, "You use it under your arms"..

"No, it is not", Dara answers, "it says so here: To apply, push up bottom".

Really funny jokes-Still love her

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.
"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."
"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."
"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will.'"
"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I MEANT to say. But what came OUT was, 'Of course I do.'"

Short humor jokes-Bobbing

Michael Jackson tried killing himself Wednesday morning by jumping off his boat . The police found him last night bobbing up and down on a small buoy.

Kids jokes-How to make babies

When the second grader arrived home from school, she excitedly ran up to her mom and said, "Guess what we learned today, mommy? How to make babies."
Her mother was more than surprised, but did her best to remain calm. She knew that this day would come, but she had hoped it wouldn't have been so soon. "How interesting dear," her mother said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's really simple," replied the little girl. "All you have to do is change the 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

Funny jokes-Alaskan and Texan

An Alaskan and a Texan met in New York and decided to do the town together. After many bars they found themselves walking across Brooklyn Bridge. They decided to stop and relieve themselves. As they were standing there adding to the pollution, the Texan turned to the Alaskan and said, "Water's cold!" The Alaskan replied, "Deep too."

Animal jokes

Q: After eating a meal at a restaurant, what did the duck say to the waiter?
A: Put it on my bill.

Q: What time do ducks wake up in the morning?
A: At the quack of dawn.

Really funny jokes-Generation Gap

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one !", the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.
"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, BPS, light-speed processing .... and" pausing to take another drink of beer.... The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young, so we invented them. Now, you - arrogant little - what are you doing for the next generation?"

Doctor jokes-Examination

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said,
"I can't find a cause for your complaint.Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," said the patient,
"I'll come back when you're sober".

Sardar jokes-Out on Trip

Banta and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon "quickie."
"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a trip, so there's no risk."
As one thing leads to another, the secretary reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"
"No problem," Banta replies. "I'll get Jeeto's diaphragm."
After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.
"That woman!" Banta exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

Really funny jokes-Game warden

A farmer and his friend were leaning on a fence chatting.
Suddenly, the local Game Warden showed up and insisted on checking the farmer's property and, in particular, a certain field. The farmer refused to allow him access to the field but the Warden insisted he had the right, saying, "I'm the Game Warden and I have a card! This card allows me to go in." Before the farmer could stop him, the Warden was off into the field.
Soon, a horrifying scream pierced the air and the Warden, being chased by a massive bull, reappeared running for his life. "Help, help!" he cried.
The farmer shouted back, "Show him your card! Show him your card!"