Animal jokes

Q: After eating a meal at a restaurant, what did the duck say to the waiter?
A: Put it on my bill.

Q: What time do ducks wake up in the morning?
A: At the quack of dawn.

Really funny jokes-Generation Gap

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one !", the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.
"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, BPS, light-speed processing .... and" pausing to take another drink of beer.... The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young, so we invented them. Now, you - arrogant little - what are you doing for the next generation?"

Doctor jokes-Examination

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said,
"I can't find a cause for your complaint.Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," said the patient,
"I'll come back when you're sober".

Sardar jokes-Out on Trip

Banta and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon "quickie."
"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a trip, so there's no risk."
As one thing leads to another, the secretary reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"
"No problem," Banta replies. "I'll get Jeeto's diaphragm."
After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.
"That woman!" Banta exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

Really funny jokes-Game warden

A farmer and his friend were leaning on a fence chatting.
Suddenly, the local Game Warden showed up and insisted on checking the farmer's property and, in particular, a certain field. The farmer refused to allow him access to the field but the Warden insisted he had the right, saying, "I'm the Game Warden and I have a card! This card allows me to go in." Before the farmer could stop him, the Warden was off into the field.
Soon, a horrifying scream pierced the air and the Warden, being chased by a massive bull, reappeared running for his life. "Help, help!" he cried.
The farmer shouted back, "Show him your card! Show him your card!"

Clean jokes-Engine break down

A large two-engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance, one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.
Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.
The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."

Really funny jokes-Yoga

A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails was advised by a friend to take up yoga. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.
Seeing this, her friend congratulated her and said yoga had totally cured her nervousness. "No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."

Funny jokes-YMCA

What did Julia say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?

"Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"

Lawyer jokes-Steep

A new client meets a famous lawyer.
Client: Can you tell me how much do you charge?
Lawyer: I charge $200 to answer three questions!
Client: Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?
Lawyer: Yes it is, and what's your third question?

Kids jokes-No use

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

Really funny jokes-Well, Isn't That Nice!

Two delicate flowers of French womanhood were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion in New Orleans.
The first woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."
The second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice."
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."
Again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice."
The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yes again, the second woman commented "Well, isn't that nice."
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
The second woman replied, "My husband sent me to charm school."
"Charm school!" the first woman smiled, "Land sakes, child, what on earth for?"
The second woman responded, "So that instead of saying 'Who gives a darn' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice'."

Doctor jokes-Slowly

Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It's $99.
Patient: $99 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.

Funny jokes-Senior humor

Three old guys, hard of hearing, are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

Really funny jokes-Remembering things

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. "
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"