Funny jokes-Senior humor

Three old guys, hard of hearing, are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

Really funny jokes-Remembering things

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. "
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"

Short funny jokes-Clean Cup

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the cup is clean!"
Waiter instructs the cook: "Two tea, with one in a clean cup."

Really funny jokes-Hearing Aid

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Really funny jokes-Iraqi Spies

Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S.
The first spy starts speaking in Arabic.
The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers: "Don't blow our cover. You're in America now. Speak Spanish.

Turn Off Your Cell Phone

I went to the movies the other night and sat in an aisle seat, as I usually do, because it feels a little roomier.

Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.

"Excuse me. Sorry! Oops. Excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry. Oops! Excuse me."

By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"

"No!" she said in a loud whisper. "The 'Turn Off Your Cell Phone, Please' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."

Doctor jokes-Cure for Arthritis

Doctor Simon is known throughout town as one of the best consultants on arthritis. He always has a waiting room full of people who need his advice and specialist treatment. One day, Betty, an elderly lady, slowly struggles into his waiting room. She is completely bent over and leans heavily on her walking stick. A chair is found for her. Eventually, her turn comes to go into Doctor Simon's office.
15 minutes later, to everyone's surprise, she comes briskly out of his room walking almost upright. She is holding her head high and has a smile on her face. A woman in the waiting room says to Betty, "It's unbelievable, a miracle even. You walk in bent in half and now you walk out erect. What a fantastic doctor he is. Tell me, what did Doctor Simon do to you?"
"Miracle, shmiracle," says Hetty, "he just gave me a longer walking stick."

Kids jokes-Age

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised. "mine says I'm four to six."

Really funny jokes-Where did you start?

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

Short humor jokes-Tired on April 1st

Q: Why are infantry soldiers so tired on April 1st?
A: Because they have just finished a thirty-one day March.

Really funny jokes-Multiple Storms

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.
"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" asked the captain.
"Throw out an anchor, sir." replied the naval student.
"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" asked the captain.
"Throw out another anchor, sir." answered the student.
"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?" asked the captain.
"Throw out another anchor." replied the student.
"Hold on," said the Captain. "Where are you getting all your anchors from?"
The naval student replied, "From the same place you're getting all of your storms, sir."

Funny jokes-Walking the dogs

Carla was walking her dogs when a man walking in the opposite direction says "oh my, you have such beautiful dogs.. what are their names?"

Carla replies "Well, the taller one is Timex and the shorter one is Rolex."

The man responds "Huh.. that's interesting. . why did you name them such names?"

Carla sighs and shakes her head "Everyone keeps asking me the same thing... duhh, what else can you name your watch dogs??"

Really funny jokes-Guide dogs

A man is walking his dog in a park when he meets another man, also walking his dog. They say hello and start to talk about their dogs. One has a chihuahua and the other a doberman.
They decide to rest for coffee and they walk into a local cafe. Upon seeing a 'no animals allowed' sign, the man with the doberman says
"Don't worry, put on these dark glasses. We'll pretend these are our guide dogs".
So the men do this and go into the cafe. When the waiter comes over, he says to the man with the doberman "I'm sorry sir, but we do not allow animals in here. You'll have to take that dog outside."
"But this is my guide dog," says the man.
"A doberman! A doberman isn't a guide dog," says the waiter.
"Actually, a doberman is particularly suited to being a guide dog nowadays. They provide lots of security and they are very well mannered."
"Oh, alright then," says the waiter, and then he notices the other dog. "Excuse me sir, but you can't have that dog in here," he says to the other man.
"Oh yes I can, this is my guide dog" says the man.
"But that dog is a chihuahua! A chihuahua isn't a guide dog!" says the waiter.
The man exclaims "what, they gave me a chihuahua?!"

Doctor jokes-The cure

A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.
"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"