Funny jokes-Walking the dogs

Carla was walking her dogs when a man walking in the opposite direction says "oh my, you have such beautiful dogs.. what are their names?"

Carla replies "Well, the taller one is Timex and the shorter one is Rolex."

The man responds "Huh.. that's interesting. . why did you name them such names?"

Carla sighs and shakes her head "Everyone keeps asking me the same thing... duhh, what else can you name your watch dogs??"

Really funny jokes-Guide dogs

A man is walking his dog in a park when he meets another man, also walking his dog. They say hello and start to talk about their dogs. One has a chihuahua and the other a doberman.
They decide to rest for coffee and they walk into a local cafe. Upon seeing a 'no animals allowed' sign, the man with the doberman says
"Don't worry, put on these dark glasses. We'll pretend these are our guide dogs".
So the men do this and go into the cafe. When the waiter comes over, he says to the man with the doberman "I'm sorry sir, but we do not allow animals in here. You'll have to take that dog outside."
"But this is my guide dog," says the man.
"A doberman! A doberman isn't a guide dog," says the waiter.
"Actually, a doberman is particularly suited to being a guide dog nowadays. They provide lots of security and they are very well mannered."
"Oh, alright then," says the waiter, and then he notices the other dog. "Excuse me sir, but you can't have that dog in here," he says to the other man.
"Oh yes I can, this is my guide dog" says the man.
"But that dog is a chihuahua! A chihuahua isn't a guide dog!" says the waiter.
The man exclaims "what, they gave me a chihuahua?!"

Doctor jokes-The cure

A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.
"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

Humor jokes-Last meal

Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
The Italian responds, Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then executed.
The Frenchmen requests a Fillet Mignon, which he is served and then executed.
The Newf requests a plate of strawberries.
"STRAWBERRIES ????"
"Yes, Strawberries."
He is told "But they are out of season!"
"So, I'll wait."

Really funny jokes-The worst hijacking

We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most unsuccessful hijack attempt ever.
On a flight across America, he rose from his seat, drew gun and took the stewardess hostage. "Take me to Detroit," he demanded.
"We're already going to Detroit," she replied.
"Oh ... good," he said, and sat down again.

Short humor jokes-Responsible

In this job we need someone who is responsible, " said the employer.
"Then I'm your man," answered the potential employee. "On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.

Really funny jokes-Genie

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside.
He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."
"Poof!" said the genie.
"You're a housewife."

Really funny jokes-Extra tests

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hindlegs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have only been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

Doctor jokes-Pill

A man limped into a hospital to have his foot X-rayed, and was asked to wait for the results.
Some time later an orderly appeared and handed the man a large pill. Just then a mother with a small child in need of immediate attention entered.
After the orderly disappeared with the new patient, the man hobbled over to get a glass of water, swallow the pill, and sat down to wait. Some time later the orderly reappeared carrying a bucket of water.
"Okay," he said, "Just drop the pill in this bucket and soak your foot for a while."

Kids jokes-Comb

Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."

Really funny jokes-Hate to go to school

One early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.
MOM: "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
SON: "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
MOM: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
SON: "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."
MOM: "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."
SON: "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"
MOM: "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school"

Humor jokes-Can't sleep

It's 3:00 A.M. and Mona wakes up to see her husband pacing the floor. "Morris, why can't you sleep?" she asks him.
"You know our next door neighbor, Patel. I borrowed $1000 from him, and it's due tomorrow morning and I don't have the money.
I don't know what I'm going to do." Mohinder replies.
Mona gets out of bed and opens the window. "Patel!" she shouts, and several times more, "Patel! Patel!" Finally a very groggy Patel opens the window opposite her and yells back, "What, what is it? It's 3 AM, what do you want?"
Mona says, "You know the $1000 my husband owes you? He doesn't have it."
She then slams the window shut and turns to Mohinder and says, "Now you go to sleep and let Sam pace the floor."

Really funny jokes-Mike is dead

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did you hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"
"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"He was wrecking my house."

Short humor jokes-Gangster's son

Q: What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything."