Monday, June 2, 2008

Really funny jokes-Mike is dead

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did you hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"
"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"He was wrecking my house."

Short humor jokes-Gangster's son

Q: What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything."

Saturday, May 31, 2008

Really funny jokes-New car

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession even to the grocery store, which was a few blocks from the house.
After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age."

Office jokes-New secretary

The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary.
She ignored the telephone when it rang.
"You must answer the telephone," he told her irritably.
"All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you!"

Funny jokes-Speeding ticket

A police officer stops a woman for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

Friday, May 30, 2008

Really funny jokes-Natural Death

After a long day at the office, Chris came home one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit was obviously dead. Chris panicked!
"If my neighbors find out my dog killed their bunny, they'll hate me forever," he thought.
So he took the dirty deceased rabbit into the house, gave it a bath and blow-dried its fur. Chris knew his neighbors kept their backdoor open during the summer, so he sneaked inside and put the bunny back into the cage, hoping his neighbors would think it died of natural causes.
A couple of days later Chris and his neighbor saw each other outside.
"Did you hear that Fluffy died?" the neighbor asked.
"Oh. Uhmm... Sorry to hear that. What happened?" Chris mumbled.
The neighbor replied, "We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the strange thing is that the day after we buried him, we went out to dinner and someone must have dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage! There are some really sick people out there!"

Humor jokes-Nuts

While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off.
Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up.
Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off".

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Really funny jokes-Life and Death Statistics

A lady on a commuter train was reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics. Fascinated, she turned to the man next to her and asked, "Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?"
"Really," he said, "have you tried mouthwash?"

Kids jokes-New baby

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.
One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.
The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"
Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Short humor jokes-Surrounded

Soldier: "Sir, we are surrounded by the enemies"
Major: "Excellent ! We can now attack in any direction!!"

Funny jokes-Stairway to Heaven

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde were on their way to Heaven. God told them that the stairway to Heaven was 1000 steps, and that on every 5th step He would tell them a joke. He told them not to laugh at any of the jokes along the way or else they would not be able to enter Heaven. The brunette went first and started laughing on the 45th step, so she could not enter Heaven. The redhead went next and started laughing on the 200th step, so she could not enter Heaven either. Then, it was the blonde's turn. When she got to the 999th step, she started laughing. "Why are you laughing?" God asked. "I didn't tell a joke." "I know," the blonde replied. "I just got the first joke."

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Really funny jokes-Drop dead!

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses 500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue play standing until Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, "Ok, me lads, someone has to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?"
They draw straws. Liam Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs Murphy answers and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares:
"Your husband just lost 500 and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" says Murphy's wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Sardar jokes-One wish !

Santa and Banta were adrift in a life boat following a dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel. While rummaging through the boat`s provisions, Santa stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, one did come forth!
This particular Genie; however, stated that she could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter Santa blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer!"
Immediately the Genie clapped her hands with a deafening crash, and the entire sea turned to the finest brew.
Simultaneously, the Genie vanished to her freedom.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the sudden stillness as Santa and Banta considered their circumstances. Banta looked disgustedly at Santa and after a long, tension filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going! Now we`re going to have to pee in the boat!!"

Really funny jokes-A real lady

Wanting to find out if both his wife and his mistress were being faithful to him, Gary decided to send them on the same cruise and question each one later about the other's behavior.
When his wife returned, he asked her about people on the trip, casually inquiring about the passenger who was his mistress when she mentioned the woman. "Oh, that woman slept with nearly every man on the ship!" his wife reported.
Unhappy with this information, Gary planned a rendezvous with his cheating mistress and decided to question her about the trip before confronting her with what he knew.
Once again, he carefully inquired about the woman who was his wife after ascertaining that they had met.
"She was a real lady," his mistress said.
Gary's spirits picked up. "Why do you say that?" he asked.
"She came on board with her husband and never left his side."