Kids jokes-Child Sent to Bed

A small boy is sent to bed by his mother...
[Five minutes later]
"Mom..."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a glass of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
[Five minutes later]
"Mom..."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY...Can I have a glass of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!!"
[Five minutes later]
"Mommm..."
"WHAT??!!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a glass of water?"

Humor jokes-Line of judgement

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of judgment. As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to Satan who threw them into the burning pit. Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss that soul off to one side into a small pile.
After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's curiosity got the best of him. He strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?"
"Oh those . . .," Satan groaned. "They're all from Michigan. They're still too cold and wet to burn."

Funny jokes-No enemies

The minister's sermon went on and on about how important it was to forgive people and reach out to them so as not to make enemies.
"Is there anyone in this church who can honestly say they have no enemies?" asked the minister.
Not a hand went up. But a few moments later, a very elderly lady in the back row raised her frail little hand.
"Please, come up and tell us what you have done over all these years that you can be so confident you have no enemies," asked the minister.
Dutifully the old woman limped up to the front of the church where she explained:
"I outlived 'em all."

Really funny jokes-Dead

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumb-founded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"
"Yes, I saw it! " replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

Kids jokes-Wanted

Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
"Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."
Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

Really funny jokes-Bad fight!

Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye, and torn clothing. It was obvious he'd been in a bad fight and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.
"Well, Dad," said Pete, " I challenged Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons."
"Uh-huh," said the father, "that seems fair."
"I know, but I never thought he'd choose his sister!"

Funny jokes-Logic

Rina and Tania living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking... Rina says to Tania, "Which do you think is farther away...Florida or the moon?"

Tania turns and says "Helloooooooo, can you see Florida.???"

Short jokes-Wife

First guy (proudly) : "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Really funny jokes-Gift from God

There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby so he went before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's salary.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church. Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Children are a gift from God", he said.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice said, "Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

Really funny jokes-Proud Grandmother

An elderly, wealthy woman in Florida was boring fellow beachcombers as she bragged on and on about her two remarkable grandchildren.
Unable to stand it any longer, a fellow sunbather interrupted her.
"Tell me, how old are your grandsons?"
The grandmother gave a grateful smile and replied, "The doctor is four and the lawyer is six..."

Sardar jokes-Santa & Banta go out Fishing

Santa and Banta decided to rent a boat on a lake for their favorite sport fishing.
After fishing for 4 hours at various places around the lake with no luck at all they decided to try one more spot before calling it quits, Suddenly things started to happen, and they caught plenty of fish within twenty minutes.
Banta said, "Hey we should mark this spot, so next time we will know where to come."
Santa says, "Good idea", and he took out a can of spray paint and made a large X on the floor of the boat....to mark the spot....
Seeing that Banta shouted, "Why did you do that, now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish!"

Really funny jokes-Small Town Justice

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man said, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet!!!" snapped the officer. "...or I'm going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back."
"But officer, I just wanted to say...."
"And I said KEEP QUIET! You're going to jail!"
A few hours later, the officer checked up on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," said the man in the cell,
"I'm the groom!"

Hillbilly jokes-Blondes go for a movie

Did you hear about the two hillbillies that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter."

Really really funny jokes-Allegations of torture

T. B. Bechtel, a part-time City Councilman from Midland, TX , was asked on a local 'live' radio talk show, just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.
"If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's balls to a car's battery cables will save just one Texas GI's life, then I have just three things to say...."
"Red is positive, Black is negative, Make sure his balls are wet."