Really funny jokes-Airlines

At the airport for a trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35.
Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41.
Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So again we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.
Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke "Thank You for participating in the Airlinr's physical fitness program."

Short humor jokes-Feeding

An elephant is walking through the jungle when he comes across a naked man standing in a clearing.
The elephant slowly looks the man up an down and says, "How the hell do ya feed yourself with that?"

Really funny jokes-Merits of a mistress

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells
of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.
The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.
The computer scientist says, "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife. And I can spend all night on the computer!"

Really funny jokes-Love to be six again

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday.
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

Humor jokes-Toilet brush

While Bubba and Billy Bob, two rednecks from Lenoir,N.C. were in the local Wal-Mart they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Billy Bob won 1st place; a years supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize; a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great!, I love spaghetti!"
Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush?
"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

Really funny jokes-University Final Exam

Blondie reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She took her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration took her purse out, removed a coin and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class was sweating it out.

During the last few minutes, she was seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.

The moderator, alarmed, approached her and asked what was going on.

"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she said, "I am rechecking my answers!!!"

Kids jokes-Fire truck with Dog

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs,"
she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants"

Really funny jokes-Conductor's humor

Bob is a favorite conductor among commuters on the Long Island Rail Road.
He has great rapport with the regulars, but occasionally runs into a problem rider.
One passenger, for instance, seemed irritated at having to hand over his ticket to be punched.
"Where are you going today?" Bob asked, smiling.
"Well, what does the ticket say?" replied the traveler sarcastically.
"Um, it says you're on the wrong train," Bob informed him.
"What am I supposed to do now?" asked the flustered passenger.
Returning the punched card, Bob replied calmly, "Ask the ticket."

Funny jokes-Zip code

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?

A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Funny jokes-Attraction to old man

An affluent old man marries a beautiful young woman.
Tabloid interviewer asked the woman, "What did it attract you in this Old man that you married him."
The woman explained, "I was attracted with a big number of dollars and a small number of days ahead."

Humor jokes-Sandwiches

My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub place last week and she asked the clerk which of two sandwiches was better.
The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more expensive.
My girlfriend got a quizzical look on her face and asked, "If that's the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the menu?"
To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think we add tax to the turkey."

Short humor jokes-Insured

Darling," said the affectionate husband, "I've insured myself for $1,000,000. If anything happens to me you will be provided for."
"Good," said his loving wife, "Now you won't have to call the doctor every time you feel sick."

Blonde jokes-Paint my porch

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Kids jokes-Grandma

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"