Really funny jokes-Engine trouble!

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry, we still have one engine left."

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

Really funny jokes-Angry woman

While my friend was working as a receptionist for an eye surgeon, a very angry woman stormed up to her desk..
"Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday," she complained.
The doctor came out and tried to calm her down.
"I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing," he said.
"Why do you think your wig was taken here?"
"After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap- looking and ugly. It surely was not the one I came in wearing!"
"I think," explained the surgeon gently, "that means your cataract operation was a success."

Humor jokes-Wife's Birthday

The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday.
"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.
"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."

Really funny jokes-Captain's Speech

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking on behalf of my crew. I'd like to welcome you aboard flight 602 from New York to London . We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean , you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses"

Clean jokes-Grandma's home

A 6 year old kid was asked where his Grandma lived.
"Oh," he said,"She lives at the Airport and when we want we just go get her. Then when we are done having her visit, we take her back to the Airport."

Really funny jokes-Praise

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, 'I have a Praise.' Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced. She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'
Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.'
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say. A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is 'sternum.' "

Funny jokes-Bowling team

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

Report card

Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Nokia SMS

Received following funny SMS on NOKIA cellphone. Enjoy!

Who is great? It's u
Who is smart? It's u
Who is sweetest? It's u
Who is jolly? It's u
Who is lying? Of course, it's me.


6 facts on Earth
1st fact : U can't touch all ur teeth with ur tongue.
2nd fact : After reading this , all fools will try it.
3rd fact : Now u will smiles Bcoz u have become a fool.
4th fact : Now u want 2 fool ur friends.
5th fact : Now u forward it 2 all fools.
6th fact : Fact 1 is false.


Dying man asks his wife.Our 4th son always looked different from the other 3 , did he have a different father ?
Wife : yes .
Man : Whose it ?Wife : Yours


Truth of life : "Mother's tears hit your heart and Wife's tears hit your pocket."

Really funny jokes-I want a divorce

A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.
He then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.
"I want the house," he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.
He says, "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster.
By now she's up to ninety mph. "All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."
The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.
This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife says, "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he says, "so what have you got?"
Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says, "The airbag."

Humor jokes-Too drunk

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunk to do that."

Short funny jokes-Girls

Girls are like Internet domain names...
The ones I like are already taken.

Really funny jokes-Barber

I can't say I've ever gotten a shave from a barber, but I've seen others who have. I was in a shop once, and an obviously new barber nicked a customer several times while giving him a shave.
The new man, in an effort to smooth things over asked solicitously, "Do you want your head wrapped in a hot towel?"
"No thanks." said the customer. "I'll carry it home under my arm."

Funny jokes-Drinks

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender for some drinks:
Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender: "What is a B and C?"
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"