Humor jokes- A prayer

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

Funny jokes-Lightbulb

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

A1: "What's a lightbulb?"

A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call,
"Daaady!"

A4: None. They can't fit.

A5: Six, Five to look at the problem and go "Duh?" and one to call her boyfriend to do it.

A6: 10, One to change the bulb and the other nine to make T-shirts.

Kids jokes-Punished!

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."

Humor jokes-Heart warming sight

During my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying---until she glanced at my grandparents.
My grandmother had reached over to my grandfather' s wheelchair and gently touched his hand. That was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing.
After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst.
"Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied, "but I was just checking his pulse to see if he was still alive."

Deep thoughts

1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
4. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
5. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Funny jokes-3 science students

Three science students went to a pond.
The physics student said he wanted to calculate the density of water and jumped into the pond.
Then the student of mathematics said that he wanted to calculate the depth of the pond and followed the physics student.
The chemistry student waited for about an hour, then finding no trace of the two, he left concluding that both were soluble in water

Really funny jokes-Grandma's 100th birthday!

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up and
Stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her and tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma; you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the grandson, "They won't let me fart."

Humor jokes-Earring

I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring, "he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my car."

Really funny jokes-Human race

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race come about?"

The mother answered; "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind was made."
Two days later she asks her father the same question. The father answered; "Many years ago there were monkeys, and we developed from them."
The confused girl returns to her mother and says; "Mom, how is it possible that you told me that the human race was created by God and Dad says we developed from monkeys?"
The mother answers, "Well dear, it is very simple. I told you about the origin of my side of the family, and your father told you about his side."

Funny jokes-Mistress blues

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very expensive restaurant this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," storms the wife. "I've had enough! I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a friend of theirs enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier!" says the wife.

Sardar jokes-Nobel prize

A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a sardar standing in the middle of a huge field of grass.
He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that Santa is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the sardar and asks him, "Ah excuse me sir, but what are you doing?"
Santa replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

Doctor jokes-Long life

My friend Ada was slowly recovering from a heart attack. "Doctor," she pleaded with her cardiologist, "you must keep me alive for the next two years. I want to attend my first grandchild's bar mitzvah."
"We'll try," he replied compassionately.
In due course Ada gratefully attended the festive rite of passage.
Some time later she again spoke to her doctor. "My granddaughter is to be married in 18 months. Please help me to be able to attend her wedding."
"We'll do our best," he replied.
And my friend happily attended her granddaughter' s wedding.
Ten years passed. Ada visited her cardiologist regularly and followed his instructions religiously. One morning she called him. "Doctor," she began, "I'm feeling fine, but I have another request to ask of you: Remember how you saw me through to my grandson's bar mitzvah?"
"Yes."
"And later how you helped me attend my granddaughter' s wedding?"
"Yes."
"Well, as you know I've just celebrated my 80th birthday. And I just bought myself a new mattress."
"Yes?"
"It has a 20-year guarantee... "

Short funny jokes-Pregnant!

Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"

Humor jokes-First Communion

Sister Margaret had spent weeks preparing the first grade children for their first Communion, stressing the solemnity and importance of this sacrament. Much to her chagrin, during Mass on the big day, one boy in the front row was talking and giggling nonstop. Finally, unable to put up with it any longer, she whispered to the lad seated next to her, "Please go up there and tell that one he's done enough talking and had better stop, right now!"
Without question, the boy rose and walked to the front and delivered Sister Margaret's message to the surprised priest in the middle of his sermon!