Really funny jokes-The three sons

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting together for Christmas, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks:
"Dear Milton," she wrote one son, "The house you built is too huge. I live in only one room, but I have to keep the whole house clean!"
"Dear Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes."
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "You have the good sense to know what your Mother likes.
The chicken was Dee-licious! "

Really funny jokes-Nuts!!!

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.
For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well.
As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, 'Up Nuts', and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, 'Down Nuts', and they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, 'Cheer Nuts'.
They all broke out into applause and cheered.
When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, 'Booooo Nuts' and they all started booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he turned, there was a riot in progress.
Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, 'What in the world happened?'
The assistant replied, 'Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, 'PEANUTS!'

Humor jokes-Letter to God

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for 2 weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God USA, they decided to send it to the President.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money; however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C. and, as usual, those jerks deducted $95.00

Short humor jokes-In bus with daddy

Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
"Well, you've done the right thing," says Mommy
"But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."

Funny jokes-Generous lawyer

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

Really funny jokes-Driving home

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

Humor jokes-The drunk

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"

Funny jokes-Love and Marriage

The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny.
When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.
One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding
ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.
"Now do you understand?" he asked.
"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"

Really funny jokes-Florist goof-up

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location!'"

Kids jokes-Four little animals

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"
The little girl said,"A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and of course, I'll need a jackass to pay for all of it."
The teacher fainted.

Humor jokes-Indicator

On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."

Funny jokes-Dead Camel

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.
"Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver."
"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart."
"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite."

Really funny jokes-The Promise

My Uncle Ned, all alone, met a girl named Peggy. They fell in love, he promised her that he would give her diamonds, furs, and beautiful dresses.
One day as they were walked down 5th Avenue in New York, they came upon a jewelery store under construction. Peggy looked at my Uncle Ned and said,"You promised me jewels." Uncle Ned proceeded to pick up a fallen brick. He threw it through the window, pulled out and gave her a diamond necklace.
As they strolled own 5th Avenue, they came upon a fur shop. Peggy looked at Uncle Ned and said, "You promised me furs." Uncle Ned picked up another brick, threw it through the window, pulled out a mink and gave it to Peggy.
Strolling down 5th Avenue again, they came upon a fashion store with beautiful dresses. Peggy said, "You promised me beautiful clothes."
Uncle Ned replied, "What do you think I am made of bricks?"

Short humor jokes-Mating call

Q: What's the mating call of the redhead?
A: "Next!"