Funny jokes-Hurt all over

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right
earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

Humor jokes-Three political prisoners

Three political prisoners met in a Cuban prison. They were discussing what for they were arrested.
The first one said, "I was arrested for opposing the views of Lage."
The second one said, "I was arrested for supporting the views of Lage."
They turned to the third one and he said, "I am Lage"

Really funny jokes-Swallowing the coin

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a coin.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and gasping for breath. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a Tea stall in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of Tea.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her Tea cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, she hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the Tea stall without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied, "I work for the Income Tax Dept."

Humor jokes-Will power

Morty arrives home from work and as soon as he sets foot in the house, Sadie is on to him, telling him that their friend Marvin has finally quit smoking.
"Imagine that, Morty," she says, "Someone who smoked 3 packs a day for 20 years has stopped smoking all of a sudden. Now that's what I call will power - something that you definitely don't have."
But Sadie hadn't finished. "And that's not all. I hear that Bernie, that drunken friend of yours, is finally giving up drinking - another example of the kind of will power that you don't have."
"OK, Sadie," said Morty, "you want to see will power, do you? Well here's will power. I am going to sleep in the spare room from now on. I am going to prove to you that I won't be affected at all by not sleeping with a woman."
Morty keeps to his word.
One night, when he had been sleeping alone for a week, there is a knock on his bedroom door.
Morty shouts out, "What do you want?" Sadie replies, "Er... Marvin has started smoking again."

Really funny jokes-Little guy on a plane

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can move aside to let him go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and hurls all over the big guy's chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling any better now?"

Short funny jokes-Clock in jail

Q: Why can't you keep a clock in jail?
A: Because time is always running out.

Funny jokes-The lottery

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

Humor jokes-Night stealing

A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.
Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspaper came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing.
Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.
"I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away."
The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a close eye on him.
The next night it was the same, and the night after that.
Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing.
Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to his supervisor.
He walked into the supervisor's office and before he could say a word, the boss said, "You're fired!"
"Fired?" he asked in total surprise. "Why? What did I do?"
"It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you have failed. So you're fired."
"Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard."
"Oh, really," the boss answered. "Then how do you account for the fact that there are 365 wheelbarrows missing?

Funny jokes-Good reason

Ram, a middle aged Indian immigrant in Dallas, Texas bought a brand new convertible Porsche.
He took off down the road and pushed it up to 160 MPH and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.
"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.
But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Ford Crown Victoria Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 mph to escape being stopped.
Then he thought, what the hell am I doing? "I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's side.
"Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Wednesday 22 November a day before Thanksgiving "If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with an American Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back."
The Policeman said, "Have a nice day, sir"

Humor jokes-My daddy

My five year old daughter asked me the question I'd been dreading. "Mommy , how are babies made?"
I did my best to explain but she still looked confused.
"What about kittens? She asked.
"Well it's exactly then same way, " I said.
"Wow!" she said excitedly. "My daddy can do anything"

Humor signs

On a Toilet door:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Really funny jokes-Go to Heaven

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
"Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

Humor jokes-Jewish grandma

A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there ..he was swept away.
The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries: Lord, my GOD, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to charity? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?
A voice booms from the sky, "All right already!"
A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there. He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
She responds, "He had a hat."

Short humor jokes-Ad campaign

Seen a new local ad campaign being run for the northern snow birds by our county tourist board.
Against a drop dead sunset beach picture, It reads .... "Come to the SW coast of Florida this winter for your family vacation ! It's got everything. Sand for the children, fishing galore for Dad, sun for the wife, and plenty of sharks for the mother-in-law"