Humor jokes-Elderly womens' woes

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Funny jokes-Cheats

Little Johnny to Billy, "You know, Jane Smith CHEATS!"
"Why do you say that?" asked Billy.
"Well she said she'd show me hers if I showed her mine - but it turns out she hasn't got one!" exclaimed Little Johnny.

Really Funny jokes-Pregnant unwed daughter

A young unmarried girl discovers that she is pregnant. Scared, She confides this ' news' to her mother.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did This to you?
I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature And distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the Girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the Problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family Situation, but I'll take responsibility. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However,
If there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You can try again !"

Really Funny jokes-"We Haven't Had Any"

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."
Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."
The manager then drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way.
"Now, what was it she wanted?"
The clerk answered, "Snow."

Humor jokes-Fast driver

My mother has a "lead foot," so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Georgia.
Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.
"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.
"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"

Really Funny jokes-Wife duties !

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from New York, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Tennessee girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

Humor jokes-My Living Will

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive.
That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

Sardar jokes-Suger level

Sardar enters kitchen and opens the sugarbox. Sees inside and closes it.
Wife observes the whole episode.
Again he comes and does the same stuff. Wife asks Why are you doing this?
Sardar replies: Doctor told to check sugar level regularly.

Really Funny jokes-Bikers

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then he took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver, either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles. "

Humor jokes-Wasting your life!!!

A German teenage boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.
"What are you doing?" asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!"
A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, two black eyes and missing all his front teeth.
"What happened?" he asked.
"Oh Grandfather! " replied the boy. "I did what you did! I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and they beat the crap out of me!"
"Oh dear!" replied Grandpa. "Who did you go with?"
"Just some friends. Why? Who did you go with?"
"Oh!" replied Grandpa. "The German army!"

Really funny jokes-A perfect couple!

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman survived.

She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
****Women, stop reading here, this is the end of the joke.****

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point:
women never listen either

Humor jokes-Looking for liars

A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, "Next Sunday, I am going to preach on the subject of liars. As a preparation for my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17."
On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation he said, "Last week I asked you all to read Mark 17. If you have read the chapter, please raise your hand."
Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Smiling, the preacher said, "You are the very people I want to talk to. Mark has only 16 chapters."

Really funny jokes-Clever Mom

A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it.
Mom said, 'Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?'
'Uh, oh yeah, OK,' responded the kid.
So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, 'Well how much did you give the boy this time?
Mom said, 'Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000'
'That's $1020!!!' yelled Dad, 'Are you crazy???'
'Don't worry hon,' Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, 'I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!'

Really funny jokes-Grief-stricken at grave

The grief-stricken man threw himself at the grave and cried bitterly, "My wife, oh how senseless is it! How worthless this carcass about me, because you are gone. If only you had lived, if only fate had not been so cruel as to take you from this world, how everything would have been different."
A clergyman nearby overheard him and said, "I assume the person lying beneath this mound of earth was someone of great importance to you."
"Importance? Indeed it was," wept the man. "It's my wife's first husband!"