Funny jokes-Little old man

A women saw a wizzened little old man with a big smile on his face, sat rocking in a chair on his porch. She walked up to him and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look. What's your secret for a long happy life"?
He said, "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, I drink a case of whisky a week, I eat all the fatty foods I can, and never do any exercise".
The women said, "That's amazing. How old are you now"?
He replied, "Twenty six".

Animal jokes-the dog

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while.
"I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."
"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

Short funny jokes-Lonely frog

A lonely frog, desparate for any form of company telephoned the Psychic Hotline to find out what his future has in store.
His Personal Psychic Advisor advises him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled and says, "This is great! Where will I meet her, at work, at a party?"
"No" says the psychic, "in a Biology class."

Adult Humor Picture - Mushroom

For Heaven's Sake

Will someone tell her ,

It's a mushroom !

Really funny jokes-The dying Priest

The old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years, he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital in Washington D.C. He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse
"I would really like to see President Bill and Senator Hillary Clinton before I die," whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father" replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to the Senate and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; the Clintons would be delighted to visit the priest.
As they went to the hospital, Hillary commented to Bill, "I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and might even get me elected President. After all, I'm IN IT TO WIN IT."
Bill agreed--it was a very good thing for her campaign once they put out a press release about it.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the old priest took Bill's hand in his right hand and Hillary's hand in his left.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face. Finally Bill Clinton spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you
near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."
"Amen" said Bill.
"Amen" said Hillary.
The old priest continued...
"He died between two lying thieves. I would like to do the same."

Humor jokes-Never had an argument

A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor. "We were married twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had an argument in all those years."
"Amazing," said the councelor. "How did you do it?"
"I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."

Really funny jokes-Role reversal

Although this married couple enjoyed their luxury fishing boat together, it was the husband who was behind the wheel operating the boat. He was concerned about what might happen in an emergency.
So one day out on the lake he said to his wife, "Please take the wheel, dear. Pretend that I am having a heart attack. You must get the boat safely to shore."
So she drove the boat to shore. Later that evening, the wife walked into the living room where her husband was watching television.
She sat down next to him, switched the TV channel, and said to him, "Please go into the kitchen, dear. Pretend I'm having a heart attack. You must set the table, cook the dinner, and wash the dishes."

Sardar joke - Santa banta fishing

santa singh & banta singh rented a boat and fished in a lake every day.

One day they had a huge haul of 30 fish. santa said to banta.

"There's lots of fish here! Mark this spot so that we can come here

tomorrow." The next day when they were driving to rent the boat,

santa asked banta , "Did you mark that spot?" banta replied,

"Yeah, I put a big X on the bottom of the boat!" santa said, "You fool! What if we dont get that same boat today!?!?"

Office jokes-Proper Dress Code

A recent college graduate got hired by the human-development center of a large corporation to train the employees in proper dress code and etiquette.
One day as she was stepping onto the elevator, a man who was casually dressed in jeans and a golf shirt got on with her.
"Dressed a little casually today, aren't we?" she said in a scolding tone.
"That's one of the benefits of owning the company," the man replied with a grin.

Funny jokes-Smart ass

The waitress was waiting as patiently as she could while the guy was dawdling over the breakfast menu. He says, being a smart ass, "I usually never return to a restaurant unless one of the sausages I'm served with my eggs is a match in size for my own."
The waitress replied, "In that case, sir, perhaps you should be looking at the children's menu."

Kids jokes-Tooth fairy

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

Humor jokes-Dinner Party

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me."
He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.
They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.
They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.
He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said:
"Come on guys, we're almost there!"

Really funny jokes-The Speech

Albert Einstein was getting bored with making the same speech over and over again at different meetings.
So one night, after a long day, his chauffeur jokingly said
"I've heard your speech so many times, I know it word for word! Why don't you take the night off and let me deliver the talk this evening?"
Einstein agreed.
When they arrived at the venue, Einstein put on the chauffers uniform and hat, and sat at the back of the hall.
The chauffeur took his place on the podium, and effortlessly delivered the speech, and invited the audience to ask questions.
He convincingly answered the first few, but then one pompous man stood up and asked a very difficult question on his theories of relativity.
The chauffeur was flummoxed, but calmly said
"Why, that question is so very easy, I will let my chauffeur answer it!"

Clean jokes-The Big Sale

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colourful curse. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown at the end of the line again.
As he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"