Funny jokes-The mugger

Late one night in the Washington D.C., a mugger wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
"Give me your money!" he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this - I'm a US Congressman!"
"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"

Really funny jokes-Texas Parish

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Flaherty. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn.
Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Flaherty, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."

Short humor jokes-Way to Post Office

A Priest wanted to go to the post office. He asked a little boy the way. The boy took him to the post office. The Priest said to the boy" Thank you. Come to the Church tomorrow and I will show you the way to heaven. The boy turned andn said
"But you don't even know the way to the post office".

Kids jokes-Bible

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found", the boy called out."
"What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Funny jokes-Prize

Bubba and Billy Bob were in a local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.
The following week, when the raffle was drawn each had won a prize. Billy Bob won 1st place, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the Neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great, I love spaghetti!"
Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How about you? How's the toilet brush?"
"Not so good," replied Bubba. "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

Really funny jokes-FBI test

For the final test, the FBI agent took the first male applicant to a large, metal door and handed him a gun.The agent said,

“We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!”
The man said, “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my wife!”
The agent said, “Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.”
The second male applicant was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent said, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the female applicant’s turn. She was given the same instructions- to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. “This gun is loaded with blanks” she said. “I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

Funny jokes-The pirate Captain

There once was pirate captain who, whenever it looked like a battle would be imminent would change into a red shirt. After observing this behavior for a few months, one of the crew members asked him what it meant.
"It's in case I get shot. I don't want you crew members to see blood and freak out."
"That's very sensible, sir." At that moment, the crew member spotted eight hostile ships on the horizon. The captain all of a sudden looked very concerned.
"Get my brown pants."

Animal jokes-Guide Dog

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.
A passer-by who'd seen everything remarked, "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did."
"Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the nuts."

Short humor jokes-Judge & Teacher

Q: How is a judge like an English teacher?
A: They both hand out long sentences.

Humor jokes-Good manners

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date, having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite.
"What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I'm sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?"
I would say, "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get introduced to right after the dinner."
The teacher fainted....

Really funny jokes-Temperance sermon

A minister was completing a Temperance sermon.
With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The song leader stood very cautiously and announced - with a tiny smile, "For our closing song, Let us sing Hymn #365, 'Shall We Gather at the River'

Kids jokes-cards

Little Bobby had been searching through a stationer's stock of greeting cards for some time when a clerk asked, "Just what is it you're looking for? A birthday greeting, message to a sick friend? An anniversary, or a congratulations to your mom and dad?"
Little Bobby shook his head and answered, "No. Er...got any blank report cards?"

Sardar jokes-Santa in heaven

Santa Singh died and went to heaven. When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth.
In order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".
2. How many seconds are there in a year?

Santa thought for a few minutes and answered...
1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.
2. There are 12 seconds in a year.

Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct.
But how did you get only 12 seconds in a year?"
Santa replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...."
Saint Peter lets him in without another word"

Humor jokes-Bill Gates in Hell

Satan greets him: "welcome mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, i'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.
Satan takes bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To bill's delight, he sees a pc in the corner. Without hesitation, bill says "i'll take this option."
"Fine," says satan, allowing bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after bill.
As he turns around, he bumps into lucifer. "That was bill gates!" Cried lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"
"That's what everyone thinks" snickered satan.
"The bottle has a hole in it!"
"What about the pc?"
"It's got windows 95!" Laughed satan.
"And it's missing three keys,"
"Which three?"
"Control, alt and delete."