Short humor jokes-The waiter

Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.

Teacher jokes-The difference

A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between 'unlawful' and 'illegal'?"
Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher.
"'Unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal' is a sick eagle."

Humor jokes-The educated blonde

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general and all in the name of humor!"
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little guy on your knee."

Really funny jokes-Survival weekend

The SAS, the Parachute Regiment and the Police decide tocgo on a survival weekend together to see who comes out on top.
After some basic exercises the trainer tells them that their next objective is to go down into the woods and catch a rabbit for their supper, returning with it ready to skin and cook.

Night falls. First up - the SAS.
They don infrared goggles, drop to the ground and crawl into the woods in formation. Absolute silence for 5 minutes, followed by the unmistakable muffled "phut-phut" of their trademark silenced "double-tap". They emerge with a large rabbit shot cleanly between the eyes. "Excellent!" says the trainer.

Next up - the Para's.
They finish their cans of lager, smear themselves with camouflage cream, fix bayonets and charge down into the woods, screaming at the top of their lungs. For the next hour or so the woods ring with the sound of rifle and machine-gun fire, hand grenades, mortar bombs and blood curdling war cries. Eventually they emerge, carrying the charred remains of a rabbit.
"A bit messy, but you achieved the aim; well done", says the trainer.

Lastly, in go the coppers, walking slowly, hands behind backs, whistling the theme tune from Dixon of Dock Green. For the next few hours, the silence is broken only by the occasional crackle of a walkie-talkie "Sierra Lima Whisky Tango Foxtrot One; suspect headed straight for you..." etc. After what seems an eternity , they emerge escorting a squirrel in handcuffs.
"What do you think you are doing?" asks the incredulous trainer "Take this squirrel back and get me a rabbit like I asked you to do five hours ago!".
So back they go. Minutes pass. Minutes turn to hours. Night drags on and dawn breaks. Finally, the trainer and the other teams are awakened by the police, holding the handcuffed squirrel, now covered in scrapes and bruises, one eye swollen shut.
"Are you taking the micky?!?!" asks the now seriously irate trainer.
The police team leader nudges the squirrel, who squeaks:
"All right, all right. I'm a rabbit!"

Teacher jokes

Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

--------------

Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: " Singapore , Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."

Humor jokes-The wife's role

A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: " Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through, so please allow her body to switch with mine for a day. Amen.
God, in his infinite wisdom, granted the man'swish.
The next morning, sure enough, the man awoke as a woman. He arose, cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches,
drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the checkbook. He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog.
Then it was already 1 P.M.and he hurried to make the beds,do the laundry, vacuum, dust, and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. Ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. Set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, Then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper.
After supper, he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed. At 9 P.M. He was exhausted
And, though his daily chores weren't finished, he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning, he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said, Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, oh please, let us trade back."
The Lord, in his infinite wisdom, replied, "My son, I feel you have learned Your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were.
You'll just have to wait nine months, though. You got pregnant last night."

Kids jokes-C level

A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' (sea) level"

Sardar jokes-Who dunnit

The judge read the charges, then asked: Are you the defendant in this case?
No, your honor," replied Banta, "I've got a lawyer to do the defending. I'm the person who done it.

Really funny jokes-Pet names

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, " That is really nice, after all these years that you have
been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names."
Morris hung his head and whispered, " To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."

Humor jokes-The savior

A man is! taking a walk in Central park in New York . Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog.
He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers:
"Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl".
The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker!"
Oh then it will say in newspapers in the morning:
"Brave American saves life of little girl" the policeman answers.
"But I am not an American!" - says the man. Oh, what are you then?"
The man says: "I am a Pakistani!"
The next day the newspapers say: "Extremist kills innocent American dog"

Affair jokes-Detective services

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.
A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.
"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.
The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"
The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

Funny jokes-Halloween in mental hospital

There was a Halloween costume party at a mental hospital and the theme of the party was war.

The first person comes up onto the stage and says, "I'm an atomic bomb." He gets his applause and steps down.
The second person comes up and says, "I'm a hydro-gen bomb." Again, there's applause and he steps down.
And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says, "I'm dynamite."
Everybody runs away hysterically. When one of them is asked why, he says, "Didn't you see how small his fuse was?"

Humor jokes-50th Anniversary

A man and woman were recently celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
While cutting the cake, the wife was moved after seeing her husband's eyes fill with tears.
The wife took his arm, and looked at him affectionately. "I never knew you were so sentimental. " she whispered.
"No . . . No . . ." he said, choking back his tears, "That's not it at all. Remember when your father found us in the barn and told me to either marry you or spend the next 50 years in jail?"
"Yes," the wife replied. "I remember it like yesterday."
"Well," said the husband, "Today I would have be a free man."

Humor jokes-Short cut across the cemetery

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party Vand decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost!
What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"