Really funny jokes-Ghost & Vampire humor

Q: Why do vampires drink blood?
A: Because coffee keeps them awake all day!

Q: Why don't ghosts like to go out in the rain?
A: Because it dampens their spirits!

Q: What do you get if you cross a dwarf with a vampire?
A: Teeth marks on your knees!

Q: What's invisible and very frightened?
A: A ghost with the sheet scared out of him.

Q: How do mummies hide?
A: They wear masking tape.

Short funny jokes

Q: What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
A: Do you believe in people?

Humor jokes-The Lottery

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost m y business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You.
PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....
"Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket."

Really funny jokes-Marijuana filled Firewood

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"
"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!
Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there."
"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"

Office jokes-Model customer

A factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you."
"Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and always pay late."
The factory owner said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred."

Short funny jokes-The merger

"Marie, I read that out in Iowa, a woman with nine kids married a man with seven. Isn't that something?"
"Sure is," Marie responded. "That wasn't a marriage... it was a merger!"

Office jokes-Get back in there!

Working as a secretary at an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to where security temporarily holds suspects.
One day security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away on another emergency. To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room. After a few mminutes, the door opened, and he began to walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, "Get back in there, and don't come out until you're told!"
The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people returned, the woman reported what had happened.
Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman.

Humor jokes-Grounds for divorce

A woman goes into her lawyers office requesting a divorce. He is taking all of her background information and asks her, "Do you have grounds for a divorce?"
To which she replies, "Well, we have three acres."
"No, ma'am. What I mean is, does he beat you up?" asks the attorney.
"No, I get up around 6:30 and he sleeps until 7:00," she responds.
Feeling a little frustrated the attorney asks, "Lady, tell me, do you have a grudge?"
Looking very confident she states, "No, we have a carport."
At this point the lawyer has lost his patience and asks, "Look, Lady. Why the heck do you want a divorce?"
"Because 'he' can't hold an intelligent conversation! "

Short humor jokes-copies of everything

The prime Minister of China called President Bush to console him after the attack on the Pentagon:
"I'm sorry to hear about the attack.It is a very big tragedy. But in case you are missing any documents from the Pentagon, we have copies of everything."

Really funny jokes-Footprints

One day a man having conversation with god when his whole life flashed before his eyes as a series of footsteps on the sands of time.
He saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most difficult periods of his life there were only one set of footprints.
He asked god "You said you will be with me throughout this journey, but why have you deserted me during the most critical times of my life??"
To which god answered "Son, I did not desert you, I was always with you...you see only one set of footprints because during those difficult times in your life, I was carrying you"
*******

Another day I was having a similar conversation with my Project Manager (PM) when my whole project flashed before my eyes as a series of footsteps on the sands of time.
I saw that there were two pairs of footprints, but during the most difficult times in the project there were only one set of footprints.
I asked my PM, "You said you will be with me throughout the project, but why have you deserted me during the most critical times of the project??"
To which my PM answered, "Son, I did not desert you, I was always with you... You see only one set of footprints because during those difficult times I was "sitting on your head !!!"

Sardar jokes

Santa: My wife is still scared of water
Banta: how come?
Santa: yesterday when i went home, she was in the bath tub with the security guard!!
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Santa to his wife: darling, years ago u had a figure like coke bottle.
Jeeto: yes darling i still do, only differnece is earlier it was 300ml
now it's 1.5 ltr.

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Nurse: congrats santa, you are a father.
Santa: don't tell my wife, i want to surprise her!

Kids jokes-active baby

When Mary was pregnant, her 5 year old, Billy, was utterly amazed, and a little bit disbelieving, that his sister was growing in his mom's tummy. So one day when the baby was especially active, she asked Billy to place his tiny hands on her tummy to feel the baby kick. But when he did, the baby was suddenly still. "Oh, Billy, she must have decided to take a nap," shrugged Mary.
"A nap?" Billy marveled. "You mean there's a bed in there too?"

Really funny jokes-Ellen

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."
He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."
The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."
The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."
The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen."

Teacher jokes

Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
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Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you
anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!
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Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: " Singapore , Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."