Kids jokes-Waking them up!

Two mothers are having a conversation about their children.
"How do you get your Pauly up so early on school mornings?" asks one of them.
"Oh, that's easy," replies the other. "I just throw the cat on his bed."
"Why does that wake him up?"
"He sleeps with the dog."

Funny jokes-Thieves in car

Blondie phoned the police to report that thieves had been in her car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line. "Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."

Sardar jokes-The archery contest

Once upon a time there was an archery contest.
The first archer, wearing a long cape covering his face, lines up in position...
He takes a deep breath and fires an arrow, which finds the center of the target.
Then he takes of his cape and screams: I AM...... ROBIN HOOD!!! The crowd cheers!
The second archer with a cape lines up in position.
He fires his arrow, which hits the center and cuts Robin Hood's arrow into two!!!
He takes off his cape and screams: I AM...... WILLIAM TELL!!!!!! The crowd cheers!!
Finally our Santa in cape lines up in position... He fires his arrow but it goes all wrong!
It flies past the crowd and kills the king!!! Then the man takes off his cape and screams:
I AM...... SORRY

Really funny jokes-The wife who would not shut up

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, 'I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'
The driver says, 'Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'
The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.'
The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'
The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?'
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'
'Only when he's been drinking.'

Humor jokes- trucker lingo

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

Top 8 Funniest Newspaper Classifieds

(Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers)

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.
2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once; you'll never go anywhere again.
3. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
4. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.
5. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
6. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
7. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
8. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Short humor jokes-Wounding husband

A woman was in court charged with wounding her husband.
"But why did you stab him over a hundred times?" asked the judge.
"Oh, your Honor," replied the defendant, "I didn't know how to switch off the electric carving knife."

humor jokes-My resume

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it ... mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting.
Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice too my life but I just didn't have the thyme.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.
So I retired and I found I am perfect for the job!

Santa banta sardar jokes

Santa: Wow Banta, Where did you get the cycle, from?
Banta: I was walking on the highway when a beautiful lady came in this cycle and asked me -"want a ride Mr. Singh?"
I hopped in, and she took me to the woods. Once in woods she got outside took off clothes and said to me "Mr. Singh. take anything"
Santa is quite excited and asks "What did you do Santa?"
Banta: I took the cycle.
Santa: good show - you wouldn’t have fit into her clothes!

Kids jokes-Nationality

Teacher: What are the people of Turkey called?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: They are called Turks, now What are the people of Germany called?
Student: They are called Germs.

Short humor jokes-Fortune

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

Really Funny jokes-The candle

There once was a husband and wife who were unable to have children. After consulting everyone who would listen to their problem, they were still unsatisfied. Finally, they consulted their family priest.
"My children," the priest began, "The Lord will listen to your prayers, and I am sure that you will be blessed with children shortly. In fact, I am planning an extended stay in Rome, and while I'm visiting the Vatican, I will light a candle for you."
"Thank you, Father, thank you!" said the couple.
Before leaving, the priest turned and said, "I am sure everything will work out just fine for you. My stay in Rome will be for quite some time--15 years. But when I return, I will be sure to pay you a visit."
And so, 15 years came and went, and the priest returned to the States.
While resting on his porch one mid-summer morning, he remembered the promise of paying a visit that he had made 15 years ago. So he made his way to their home, and upon arriving at the residence of the couple who'd sought his council years earlier, he rang the doorbell.
Sounds of crying and screaming children filled the air! Overjoyed by the thought that their prayers had been answered, he entered the house. More than a DOZEN children filled the house from top to bottom! In the midst of all the chaos, stood the wife.
"My dear," the priest said, "your prayers have been answered! And where is your husband? I wish to congratulate him too on your miracle!"
"He just left for Rome," she said in a very desperate tone.
"Rome? Why did he go to Rome?" asked the priest.
"To blow out that candle you lit!"

Animal jokes-The cat

Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."
I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.
The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

Really funny jokes-Santa answer Medical Terminology

Have you heard of Mr. Santa Singh applying to a medical school to become a doctor?
Needless to say he never made it. You know why?
These are the answers he wrote in his entrance exam.
Antibody - against everyone
Artery - The study of the paintings.
Bacteria - back door to a cafeteria.
Caesarean section - a district in Rome.
Cardiology - advance study of poker playing.
Cat scan - searching for lost kitty.
Chronic - neck of a crow.
Coma - punctuation mark.
Cortisone - area around local court.
Cyst - short for sister.
Diagnosis - person with slanted nose.
Dilate - the late British Princess Diana.
Dislocation - in this place.
Duodenum - couple in blue jeans.
Enema - not a friend.
Fake labour - pretending to work.
Genes - blue denim.
Hernia - she is close by.
Impotent - distinguished/ well known.
Labour pain - hurt at work.
Lactose - people without toes.
Lymph - walk unsteadily.
Microbes - small dressing gown.
Obesity - city of Obe.
Pacemaker - winner of Nobel peace prize.
Proteins - in favour of teens.
Pulse - grain.
Pus - small cat.
Red blood count - Dracula.
Secretion - hiding anything.
Tablet - small table.
Ultrasound - radical noise.
Urine - opposite of you're out.
Varicose - very close.