Humor jokes-Home late

A teenage girl had just been given family-car privileges. One Friday night she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.
At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "What time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, "Then I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car".

Short Humor jokes-English Leather

For years one gift I could count on when my kids were young was a bottle or two of "English Leather" after-shave lotion.
I thought for a while they liked the smell.
Then it dawned on me... the stuff had an aroma just like my wallet.

Humor jokes-Money down the toilet

Two friends, a Scotsman and a Jew, are out drinking one night. Eventually Nature calls, and so they head for the head. The Scotsman takes the lone urinal, and the Jew says that he has to take a dump anyway so he enters the stall.
The usual noises are heard for a minute, and then the Jew says "Damn!"
"What's the matter?" inquires the Scotsman.
"Well, when I was pulling my pants up, I dropped a dime into the toilet."
The Scotsman joins the Jew in the stall to look at the sad sight. They both shake their heads in despair. Then the Scotsman reaches into his pocket and drops a quarter into the toilet.
"What did you do that for?!?" cries the Jew.
And the Scotsman says, "Och, Ya donna think I'll stick my hand in there for a mere dime?"

Funny jokes-Husband & Wife

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Hubby: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see,how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Hubby: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"
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Wife to husband: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the night?"
Husband to wife: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife to husband: "What? At 2 am?"
Husband to wife: "Yes, We used night clubs."

Sardar jokes-Relaxing!

Once Santa Singh sardarji was taking rest in a beach . . . An English man came 2 him and asked "Are u relaxing?"
Sardar replied : "NO! I'm Santa singh" :) . . .
After sometime another English man came and asked "Are u relaxing?"
Sardar replied :"NO! I'm Santa Singh" :) . . .
After that he got fed up when again a English man asked that ... so he left that place in anger . . . After leaving the place, while he was walking, he saw one Englishman sitting aside alone .. He went near him and asked the man "Are u relaxing?".
The Englishman replied "YES! I'm relaxing" . . .
SARDARJI GAVE HIM 2 SLAPS AND SAID "
All are searching for u there and u are sitting here alone! "

Really Funny Jokes-The worms

A priest decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the priest reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - **Dead.**
The second worm in cigarette smoke - **Dead**
Third worm in chocolate syrup - **Dead**
Fourth worm in good clean soil - **Alive.**
So the priest asked the congregation - What can you learn from this demonstration?
Malcolm was sitting in the back, quickly raised his hand and said, "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service....

Short Humor jokes-Discrimination

In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men. Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, "Why is it you limit your employees to married men? Is it because you think us women are weak, dumb, cantankerous. ..or what?"
"Not at all, Ma'am," the manager replied. "It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't pout when I yell at them."

Teacher jokes-The Nutty professor

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.

After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.
The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said: "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?"
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

Funny jokes-Stepping on ducks

Stepping on ducks
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest old man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on, young, very tall and muscular. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?
The man says, I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!

Really funny jokes-Cyanide

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eye got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription. "

Humor jokes-Realizing a dream

A schoolteacher was given a ticket for driving through a red light.
When she appeared in traffic court, she asked the judge for immediate attention to her case as she was due to be back in class.
The judge looked at her sternly and said:
"So that's you my schoolteacher Ms. Enigma. I am about to realize my childhood dream. Ma'am You sit down at that table over there and write 'I went through a stop sign.' FIVE HUNDRED TIMES' then show me."

Short Humor jokes-Mirror, Mirror on the Wall ...

A woman tells the doctor: "I looked in the mirror and my hair was all frazzled,my skin was wrinkled, my eyes were
bloodshot and my face looked corpse-like. What's wrong?"
The doctor looks at her for a minute, then says: "Well there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Really Funny Jokes-Collision

This is an actual radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations, 10-10-95,
MSG#H0000115020ecb5 2EMHS

#1: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision."
#2: "Recommend that you change YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision."

#1: "This is the captain of a U.S. navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course."
#2: "No, I say again divert YOUR course."

#1: "This is the aircraft carrier Enterprise, we are a large warship of the U.S. navy. Divert your course NOW!"
#2: "This is a lighthouse. Your call?"

Humor jokes- The Ghost Car

A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop.
The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly . The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.
The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a cantina and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped
everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.
About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same cantina, and one said to the other. "Look Pepe, that's the character who climbed into the car while we were pushing."