Three female spies -- a brunette, a red-head, and a blonde -- had been captured and were awaiting execution. The enemy dictator was nostalgic and had ordered an old-fashioned execution: death by firing squad.
Needless to say, the three spies wanted to survive... but they needed a plan. The red-head spoke up. "I have an idea," she said. "Follow my lead."
As it happened, the red-head was first up against the wall.
"Do you have any last words?" the dictator asked.
"No," she replied.
"Very well," said the dictator as he turned to his soldiers.
"Ready.... Aim...."
"TORNADO!" yelled the red-head, pointing behind the troops.
The gunmen all turned around, and she escaped!
The brunette and blonde saw this and got the idea. Next it was the brunette's turn. The dictator marched her up to the wall in front of his soldiers.
"Do you have any last words?" he asked.
"No," she replied.
"Very well," said the dictator as he turned to his soldiers.
"Ready.... Aim...."
"TIDAL WAVE!" the brunette yelled out, pointing.
The gunmen all turned around, and she escaped, too!
The dictator was becoming frustrated, but now it was the blonde's turn. He marched her to the wall in front of his troops.
"Do you have any last words?" he asked, suspiciously.
"No," she replied.
"Very well," said the dictator as he turned to his soldiers.
"Ready.... Aim...."
"FIRE!" said the Blonde
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
Predictions on computers
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." -- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what ... is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"Who in their right mind would ever need more than 640k of ram!?" --Bill Gates, 1981
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." -- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." -- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what ... is it good for?" -- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." -- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." -- Western Union internal memo, 1876.
"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" -- David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.
"Who in their right mind would ever need more than 640k of ram!?" --Bill Gates, 1981
Mommy
A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something. Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him. Yet the feeling persisted.
When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried, "Daddy, where's Mommy?"
When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried, "Daddy, where's Mommy?"
Snake & Frog
A man went fishing one day. He looked over the side of his boat and saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. Feeling sorry for the frog, he reached down, gently took the frog from the snake, and set the frog free. But then he felt sorry for the snake. He looked around the boat, but he had no food. All he had was a bottle of bourbon.
So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds. He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!
So he opened the bottle and gave the snake a few shots. The snake went off happy, the frog was happy, and the man was happy to have performed such good deeds. He thought everything was great until about ten minutes passed and he heard something knock against the side of the boat. With stunned disbelief, the fisherman looked down and saw the snake was back with two frogs!
Management training
A group of junior-level executives were participating in a management training program. The seminar leader pounded home his point about the need to make decisions and take action on these decisions. "For instance," he said, "if you had five frogs on a log and three of them decided to jump, how many frogs would you have left on the log?"
The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."
"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because there is a difference
between deciding to jump and jumping.
The answers from the group were unanimous: "Two."
"Wrong," replied the speaker, "there would still be five because there is a difference
between deciding to jump and jumping.
Monday, July 23, 2007
The contacts
The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was no where to be found.
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom"? the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand.
"How did you manage to find it, Mom"? the teenager asked.
"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."
Funny children jokes
Enjoy 3 funny children jokes
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.""Yes," the class said."Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"A little fellow shouted,"Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:"Take only ONE. God is watching."Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture.
"Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.'
A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, she's dead."
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.""Yes," the class said."Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"A little fellow shouted,"Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:"Take only ONE. God is watching."Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Doc jokes
A man speaks frantically into the phone,
"My wife is pregnant , and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot !" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results.
They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE?
What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"
A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there.
The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?"
And the man replies, "No, just spots."
"My wife is pregnant , and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot !" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results.
They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE?
What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
"Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?"
"Yes, of course..."
"Great! I never could before!"
A man goes to the eye doctor. The receptionist asks him why he is there.
The man complains, "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
The receptionist asks, "Have you ever seen a doctor?"
And the man replies, "No, just spots."
Saturday, July 14, 2007
The car
A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever. She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication for her daughter.
When returning to her car she found that she had locked her keys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter.
She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.
She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car.
Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud,
"Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a professional! "
When returning to her car she found that she had locked her keys in the car. She was in a hurry to get home to her sick daughter.
She didn't know what to do, so she called her home and told the baby sitter what had happened and that she did not know what to do. The baby sitter told her that her daughter was getting worse.
She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been thrown down on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time or other had locked their keys in their car.
Then she looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
So she bowed her head and asked God to send her some help. Within five minutes an old rusty car pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got out of his car and asked her if he could help. She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure". He walked over to the car, and in less than one minute the car was opened.
She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank you so much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud,
"Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a professional! "
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Reason why never visit a 5* Hotel
Question : " What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"
Answer: "tea please "
Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"
Answer : "Ceylon tea "
Question : "How would you like it ? Black or white ?"
Answer: "white"
Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ? "
Answer: "With milk "
Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"
Answer: "With cow milk please.
Question: " Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer: " Um, I'll take it black. "
Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey? "
Answer: "With sugar"
Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"
Answer: "Cane sugar "
Question:" White , brown or yellow sugar ?"
Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."
Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "
Answer: "Mineral water"
Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"
Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst
Answer: "tea please "
Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"
Answer : "Ceylon tea "
Question : "How would you like it ? Black or white ?"
Answer: "white"
Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ? "
Answer: "With milk "
Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"
Answer: "With cow milk please.
Question: " Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer: " Um, I'll take it black. "
Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey? "
Answer: "With sugar"
Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"
Answer: "Cane sugar "
Question:" White , brown or yellow sugar ?"
Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."
Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "
Answer: "Mineral water"
Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"
Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Cool one-liners
Enjoy following one line jokes! Keep visiting for more !
If you're too lazy to start anything, you may get a reputation for patience.
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.
Never try to drown your troubles... Especially if he can swim.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.
By the time a man realizes that his father was usually right, he has a son who thinks he's usually wrong.
Teachers are those who help us in resolving problems which, without them, we wouldn't have.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
There are three sides to every argument: your side,my side and the right side.
An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
They say hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance.
If you're too lazy to start anything, you may get a reputation for patience.
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.
Never try to drown your troubles... Especially if he can swim.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you're thinking.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station.
By the time a man realizes that his father was usually right, he has a son who thinks he's usually wrong.
Teachers are those who help us in resolving problems which, without them, we wouldn't have.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
There are three sides to every argument: your side,my side and the right side.
An expert is someone who takes a subject you understand and makes it sound confusing.
When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
They say hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance.
Monday, July 9, 2007
Funny jokes for kids
Enjoy following 4 really funny children jokes
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".
--------------
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like.
"Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
----------------
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
-----------------------
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".
--------------
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing.
She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like.
"Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
----------------
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."
-----------------------
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.
She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
Thursday, July 5, 2007
Short sardar jokes
Enjoy 2 -3 liner short sardar jokes
Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed.
--------
How do you measure a Sardar's intelligence?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear
--------
What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand
grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
--------
What do you do when a Sardar throws a
pin at you?
Run like crazy....he's got a hand
grenade in his mouth.
-------
How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
--------
What is the Sardar doing when he holds
his hands tightly over his ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.
--------
Why do Sardars work seven days a week?
So you don't have to re-train them on
Monday.
-------
Why can't Sardars make ice cubes?
They always forget the recipe.
--------
How did the Sardar try to kill the bird?
He threw it off a cliff.
--------
What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear
to ear?
A wind tunnel.
--------
What do you see when you look into a
Sardar's eyes?
The back of his head.
--------
What do you call a sardar who drinks only beer?
Just-beer Singh ('T' silent!).
-------
What do you call a sardar who has only
one drink?
Just-one Singh.
--------
Why does Sardar always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
Why did 18 sardarjis go to a movie?
Because below 18 was not allowed.
--------
How do you measure a Sardar's intelligence?
Stick a tire pressure gauge in his ear
--------
What do you do when a Sardar throws a hand
grenade at you?
Pull the pin and throw it back.
--------
What do you do when a Sardar throws a
pin at you?
Run like crazy....he's got a hand
grenade in his mouth.
-------
How do you make a Sardar laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
--------
What is the Sardar doing when he holds
his hands tightly over his ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.
--------
Why do Sardars work seven days a week?
So you don't have to re-train them on
Monday.
-------
Why can't Sardars make ice cubes?
They always forget the recipe.
--------
How did the Sardar try to kill the bird?
He threw it off a cliff.
--------
What do you call 10 Sardars standing ear
to ear?
A wind tunnel.
--------
What do you see when you look into a
Sardar's eyes?
The back of his head.
--------
What do you call a sardar who drinks only beer?
Just-beer Singh ('T' silent!).
-------
What do you call a sardar who has only
one drink?
Just-one Singh.
--------
Why does Sardar always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
Wednesday, July 4, 2007
Moral Lesson
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say 'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can
wait'". Kevin turned to his younger brother & said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
wait'". Kevin turned to his younger brother & said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
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