Monday, August 25, 2014

Slippery

Priest James Asher was upset. There were so may people who had been confessing that they were unfaithful to their spouses, partners etc. He was tired of hearing it time and again. He would be turning 60 this May and he wanted to root out the word "unfaithful" from his life. He spread the word that he had had enough of the word "unfaithful" and he did not want to hear it again. Anybody who went to James Asher's confessional would now have to use the word "slipped". So if you have been unfaithful to your wife, you would say you slipped. Gradually, people accepted it and the priest was happy with the change he made.

A couple of years later, priest James Asher retired and his place was taken by a young priest, Alex from out of town. It didn't occur to anyone to warn the young priest about the change of word in the confessional. After hearing the confessions in the first week, priest Alex went to see the municipal governor. He said to the governor, "Sir, the streets in this town need cleaning and maintenance. I hear all the time that people are slipping everywhere."

The municipal governor immediately understood the situation and what was wrong here. He just laughed out loud.

Priest Alex, puzzled by this behavior, said to the governor, "This is no laughing matter, Gov. Why, your wife told me that she slipped twice last week!"

Sunday, August 24, 2014

Worried wife

Yohan felt that there was something wrong with his body. Lately, he had noticed his manhood growing a few centimeters every week. Though thrilled initially, his excitement ran down when he noticed that there was no stopping its growth. He decided it was time to visit a doctor. He met Dr. Holmes, a specialist, and explained the problem to him. After examining him, Dr. Holmes  gave his diagnosis, "Well, you have a rare condition. But do not worry, it can be corrected with surgery."

Yohan's wife, Lili, who was waiting outside the doc's cabin, overheard the conversation. She rushed in to ask, "Will he need support to walk?"

"Walk?" asked Dr. Holmes.

Lili asked with concern, "You are going to increase the length of his legs, right?"

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Feign ignorance

Martha had arranged for a carpool for her daughter Juliet to go for her tennis classes. It was her turn on Wednesday, but her husband had the car. She felt awkward to tell the woman with whom she had the carpool arrangement, that she would not be able to take her turn. Since it had to be done, she called the woman and explained. The other woman agreed and just a few minutes before she was due to arrive, Martha's husband showed up. It was too late for her to call her carpool partner and explain that she could make it after all. So she asked her husband to park the car in the garage and close the garage door.

Martha instructed her daughter Juliet that she should feign ignorance about her father's whereabouts. Everything was set but the husband did not remember to shut the garage door. He was chatting with a friend right in front of the garage with the door open! Came along the carpool friend and took Juliet for the tennis classes.

When Juliet returned, Martha asked her if the carpool friend had noticed.

"She did", replied Juliet. "She asked me which one of the two men in front of the garage was my father. I told her I have no idea"

Friday, August 22, 2014

Marie's students

Marie was a regular at Sunday church and she also taught in Sunday school. Dean liked her a lot but could not muster enough courage to tell her so. Finally, one day he asked her out. He said, “Marie, how about having dinner with me tonight?”

Marie agreed, “Yes, that would be nice.”

So Dean took her to the best restaurant in town. They settled down and Dean asked, “How about some alcohol before dinner?” 

Marie retorted: “Oh Jesus, no, what would I tell my students?”

Dean was disappointed. He fumbled in his pocket, took out a pack of cigarettes and offered one to Marie. Marie refused,  “My students look up to me. I always tell them to remain away from all vices.”

Dean was lost. Somehow he finished dinner and immediately decided to drive Marie home. On the way, he saw a motel sign and as he had nothing to lose, so he asked without any hope, “If you want, we can stay at the motel.”

Marie said, “Why not? Sure.”

Dean was aghast at this turn of events. But drove into the motel before Marie could change her mind.

He checked in with Marie. They made themselves comfortable and had an extremely good time.

The next morning, Dean asked, “Marie, I wonder. How are you going to explain this to your students?”

Marie replied, “That it is not necessary for us to smoke and drink to have a good time.”

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Balloon ride



Dean was up in an air balloon and soon lost his bearings. He had no idea where he was and what direction he should take. He looked down and saw a vast field. Dean reduced altitude of the balloon and saw a man watering plants. He shouted to the man: “Hi there.”

The man reciprocated: “Hi.”

Dean: “Pardon me, I have lost my way, don’t know where I am. I promised my girl I would meet her an hour ago and I don’t know which way to go. Can you guide me?”

The man: “You are twenty five feet from the ground hanging in a balloon. You are forty five degrees latitude or thereabouts and sixty degrees longitude.

Dean said: “You are an accountant.”

The man: “So I am. How did you guess?”

Dean: “Whatever you told me may be correct. But I have no notion what to make of it. The information you gave me is of no use. I am where I was, confused and lost.”

The man: “You are in management.”

Dean: “Sure. What made you say so?”

The man: “See you don’t know where you are or where to go.  You promised your girl friend and you have no idea how to keep it. You expect people working under you to find solutions to your problems or else you blame them. In our case you are in the same position before you saw me but you have made it seem like my fault.”

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Last words

Dan died and Marie’s heart was broken. She could not be consoled. The regular pastor was not available and so they found one from the neighboring area. The new one asked Marie some questions so that he could say something nice about Dan in his sermon. Finally he asked: “What did Dan say just before he died? I mean, what were his last words?”

Marie was thoughtful, then said: “Marie, don’t pull the trigger.”

Tuesday, August 19, 2014

The hunt

Dean and Martin hired a small plane to get into deep forest to hunt deer. They spent the whole afternoon and killed four big deer. They then called for the pilot to pick them up. When the plane came, they started to load their rifles and other equipments along with the four hunts. At this, the pilot objected saying the plane could take load of only two kills.

Dean argued that the previous year too their pilot had allowed four kills and it was the same model plane. The pilot gave in reluctantly against his better judgment.

They boarded the plane with their load. But after gaining height the plane crashed a little distance away. Getting out of the plane, Dean asked: “Mart, any idea where we are?”

Martin looked around and said: “Ummh.... I think we are a little south to where we crashed last year.”

Monday, August 18, 2014

Aggressive bull

Farmer Joe's latest addition to his farm was a young cow. The moment the cow entered the farm gate, Joe's big bull spotted her and started stomping it's feet. It became aggressive and started kicking and jumping.

Farmer Joe feared the bull would knock her up. He wanted the cow to feel at home first before letting her out with the bull. So he consulted the local vet who advised Joe to tie a big curtain around the cow's rump to keep the bull away.

Joe did just that and went to sleep. The next morning, he went to check on the cow but she was nowhere to be seen. Joe followed the trail of her steps to a distance and noticed a young boy sitting near a pond. Farmer Joe asked the young boy if he had seen a cow with a curtain tied around her rump.

The young lad replied, "Don't know that, sir, but I saw one run by with a handkerchief sticking out of her behind!"

Sunday, August 17, 2014

Blind

The Sunday church was full, and everyone was singing spiritual songs. The rhythm was building up into a frenzy. A pretty young woman, leaning ahead in the balcony, lost her balance in her enthusiasm and fell over the railing.

As she was falling, the hem of her dress got caught in the chandelier. Though it arrested her fall, her dress was pulled over her waist for a nice view available to everyone below.

The preacher shouted, "Any man who looks up shall turn blind!"

Old man Jason whispered into his friend's ears, "I think I will take that chance. My right eye isn't worth much anyway!"