Lawyer joke-Timing of crash

Lawyer: “You were there when the accident occurred?”

Witness: “Yes sir, I was there.”

Lawyer: “Would you mind telling the judge which vehicles were involved in the mishap?”

Witness: “Both were state buses.”

Lawyer: “How did the accident happen?”

Witness: “They were coming from the opposite directions and crashed into each other head on.”

Lawyer: “Did you notice which bus crashed into which bus first?”

Witness: “They crashed into each other at the same time.”

Drilling rights

Tom was an owner of an oil conglomerate who had married a pretty young thing fifteen years younger to him.

One day, Tom barged into his lawyer’s office and demanded, “I want a divorce!"

The Lawyer asked, “On what grounds?”

Tom replied, "I want to charge her with breach of contract.”

The Lawyer said, “What contract? Your spouse is not your property. She is your wedded wife but you don’t own her.”

Tom said, “Well then, I want sole and exclusive rights to drill.”

Some accident this!

Dean was involved in a car accident. He was driving his car with his pet alongside him on the highway when a truck hit him from behind. The impact was severe. Dean was thrown out of his car on one side whereas his dog on the other. Both were badly injured. Dean sued the truck company and the truck company’s lawyer was cross examining him.

Lawyer: “Dean, didn’t you say to the cop that you were alright at the time of the accident?”

Dean: “It was like this. First I put my dog on the passenger seat…and…..”

The lawyer interrupted: “Yes or no? Did you or did you not say you were OK?”

Dean tried to continue: “After putting my pet in the seat, I started the car and reached the highway……”

Lawyer: “Your honor, this fellow is wasting the court’s time. Immediately after the accident when the cop asked him if he was alright, he said ‘I am alright’ and now he is claiming damages from my client.  I have the cop here to testify.”

The judge said: “I love dogs myself. I would like to hear what Mr. Dean has to say, please proceed.”

Dean: “Thank you, your honor. It happened like this. I put my beloved pet in the side seat and drove my car on the highway. This truck came from behind and hit my car real bad. I was thrown out of my car and severely hurt.  My pet was thrown out from the other side. He too was badly injured. He was groaning and in real bad shape. Thereafter this cop came on the site. He saw my dear dog groan and twist in pain. He commented that the dog’s condition was severe, pulled his gun and put him to sleep to ease him from the pain.

Next thing, he came to me with his gun pointing at me and asked "Are you alright? What was I supposed to say, your honor?”

Who is the boss

Santa was getting married. Night before the D day, Banta told him: “Santa, I am giving you a million dollar advice. You have to kill the cat on the first night itself. Show her who is the boss  around here. Make her follow your commands from day one. Otherwise she will be in charge.”

Santa: “But how do I do that?”

Banta: “Simple. Finish all your sentences with ‘or else…… or otherwise……’ when you ask her to do something. For example say- ‘Wife, bring me tea and make it quick or else…….’ “

Santa took the advice literally. On the very first night he ordered her sternly to bring milk with saffron. Thereafter he made it a habit to order her around and the threat was always there in the air. Even while going to bed he would say: “Come to bed pronto or else…….”

Santa’s wife was a simple and obedient woman. She could not understand Santa’s behavior. But she was intelligent and patient. She wisely decided to wait and watch for a few days and see how things turn. Things didn’t change. Santa continued his behavior and she continued to obey him. After about a month of this she decided that Santa was basically a good man and what he was doing was out of his character. And she decided to act, enough was enough.

One day Santa ordered: “Wife, prepare hot water bath for me ..otherwise…..”

Wife retorted: “Otherwise? Otherwise what?”

Santa was at a loss of words. He said: “Otherwise nothing. I will take a cold bath.”

Wife: “Then do.”

 Santa did and they lived happily ever after.

A lot of room

Margaret Jones, a woman of 75 years who had never married in her life, had just one ambition. To get married and lose her virginity. She was a wealthy woman with all good things in life at her disposal.

Somehow, she never got around to get married but she wanted to do it now. She had only one condition - she wanted a man who had never done it, just like herself.

She advertised all over the world looking for that perfect match and finally was able to locate a young guy from Australia, called Shane Warner.

They got married, and she took him to her mansion. While she was getting ready for the night, she heard some loud noises from the adjacent room. When she went to the other room to investigate, she found that all the furniture in the rooms had been moved to the corners.

Margaret asked Shane, "What are you doing, my dear?"

Shane replied, "Madam, I have never done it with a woman in my life, but in case it is similar to doing it to a kangaroo, I am gonna need a lot of room!"

Story of a village boy

Arnold, who had just finished high school in the countryside, was very excited about the prospect of going to college.

He went to his father and asked, "Papa, will you send me to college?"

The old farmer replied, "Listen son, I will decide whether to send you to college the day you can tell what's what."

"Till that time", the farmer added, "You can work on the farm and I will pay you for it."

Arnold agreed and toiled on his dad's farm for a year. After that, he approached his father again asking to be sent to college.

The old farmer said, "Do you know what's what? I told you I will send you to college the day you answer me."

Disappointed, Arnold headed for the local bar. There he met a pretty young girl and they developed an instant liking towards each other. When they left the bar, she invited him to her place. After talking for some time, she said she was going into the bedroom and that he should follow after 5 minutes for a surprise.

He waited for 5 minutes and went to her bedroom. He was taken aback by the sight of her wearing nothing but a thin chain around her waist.

Arnold, pointing to the chain, asked her, "What's that?"

The pretty young thing answered, "What's what?"

"Don't ask me that", said Arnold, "If I had the answer to that question, I would be in college."

In jail

With my 2 year old son on the loose at home, I always feel I am in jail. You will want to know why.

I'll tell you why. My day begins with someone yelling at me to wake up. It's like someone is always keeping an eye on what I am doing. I can't have a shower without fearing something bad is going to happen to me. I can't sleep without the fear that a scoundrel will crawl into my bed at night. I feel eyes fixed on my back when I going to the bathroom. Alcohol and adult movies need to be smuggled in to be enjoyed in complete secrecy. The fear of being attacked by anything that comes in the hands of the perpetrator.


Ain't it like being in jail?

Draw a picture

Dean was dealing in furniture, especially antique furniture. And to acquire old pieces of furniture, he had to travel regularly to other cities.

On one such visit, after the day’s work, he was sitting in a bar nursing a drink, when a cute girl, probably French, walked in. The bar was crowded but there was a vacant seat next to Dean. The girl walked over and occupied the chair.

Out of common courtesy, Dean offered her a drink but she did not understand English. So Dean took a paper napkin and made a rough sketch of glass with whisky and looked at the girl lifting his eye brows questioningly. She immediately understood and nodded her consent. After a couple of rounds of drinks, Dean took another napkin and drew a picture of a man and a woman dancing and she immediately got up to dance. They had a few more drinks after that and of course, dinner.

The girl, now happy and more than satisfied, took a napkin and drew a picture of a big double bed. To this day Dean has not been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.

Call to wife

Sam called his wife and said to her in a weak voice, "Hey baby, I was driving to a coffee shop to meet Mary when all of a sudden, a stray dog came in the way. I tried to steer left to avoid running it down, but the car skidded due to high speed, rolled over and almost ran off the cliff. The car was hanging nose down over the cliff, as I looked down fearing impending death. I just managed to climb out of the car and save my life, just before the car fell over the cliff crashing thousands of feet below and was blown into smithereens."

Sam continued, "I was taken to a hospital. I have a broken leg, broken jaw, dislocated shoulder and several injuries on my head."

There was silence on the phone, then the wife asked, "Who is Mary?"