Really funny jokes-Embarrassing weight problem

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. 'I am so ashamed, Doctor, she said. I guess I let myself go.

The physician was checking her eyes and ears. Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad.

Do you really think so, Doctor? she asked.

The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said,
Of course.... Now just open your mouth and say moo.

Teacher jokes-Hadrians Wall

Teacher: Who can tell me where Hadrians Wall is?

Pupil: I expect it’s around Hadrian’s garden miss!

Clean jokes-Sailors

Q. Why didn't the sailors play cards?

A. Because the captain was sitting on the deck.

Really funny jokes-Tombstone Epitaph of Jonathan Pease

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket , Massachusetts :

Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.

Good jokes-The autograph book

Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan while in the greenroom after a concert.

"There's not much room on this page," he said. "What shall I write?"

Another violinist, standing by, offered the following helpful hint, "Write your repertoire."

Funny jokes-Court case

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250 to spend the night with that woman."

Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard their remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment.

The following morning, as he prepared to leave, the man gave her $125. She demanded the rest of the money, stating, "If you don't give me the other $125 I'll sue you for it."


He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."

Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.

His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."


After the usual preliminaries, the lady's Lawyer addressed the court as follows:

"Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."


The defendant's Lawyer was not only surprised but also impressed AND amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. Naturally, his defense was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. He rose to the occasion!


'Your honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."


The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."


In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the balance $125 to the plaintiff, or have the equipment detached from its current location and provide it to the plaintiff for damages."


The defendant wrote out a check immediately.


Case closed!

Clean jokes-Tin opener

Why did the knight run about shouting for a tin opener?

He had a bee in his suit of armour!

Finance jokes-Thunderstorms

Q: How do thunderstorms invest their money?

A: In a combination of liquid assets and frozen assets

Funny Sarcastic jokes-No Health care

So you're a senior citizen and the government says no health care for you, what do you do? Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. Your are allowed to shoot 2 senators and 2 representatives. Of Course, this means you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, and all the health care you need! New teeth, no problem. Need glasses, great. New hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart? All covered. And who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. Plus, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income taxes any more.

Really funny jokes-Talkative Sally

Eight year old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good, mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:

"Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."

Celebrity jokes-50 Cents

Q: Do you know 50 Cent's half brother's name?

A: 25 Cent.

Hilarious jokes-Top 25 Alabama Country Songs of all time

The Top 25 Alabama Country Songs of All Time.....

25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?
22. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
21. I Bought A Car From A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don't Run, So We're Even
20. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Getting Better
17. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win
16. I'll Marry You Tomorrow But Lets Honeymoon Tonight
15. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here
14. I've Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin' On My Back and Cryin' Over You
13. If I Can't Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
12. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I've Sure Woken Up With a Few
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There's A Fly On Papa's Head)
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love You
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him.
8. Please Bypass This Heart
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
5. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
4. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me
3. She's Actin' Single and I'm Drinkin' Double
2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

And the number 1 Alabama Country song of all time is

1. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now

Teacher jokes-Two and two

Teacher: What’s 2 and 2?
Pupil: 4
Teacher: That’s good.
Pupil: Good?, that’s perfect!

Good jokes-Clever Kid

“Hey, Mom,” asked Johnny “can you give me twenty dollars?”

“Certainly not.”

“If you do,” he went on, “I’ll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop.”

His mother’s ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. “Well? What did he say?”

He said, ‘Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.”