Funny jokes-The ultimate rejection letter

The ultimate rejection letter

Herbert MillingtonChair - Search Committee, Whitson University, College Hill, MA

Dear Professor Millington,

Thank you for your letter of March 16. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me an assistant professor position in your department. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite Whitson's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position of assistant professor in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then. Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,

Chris L. Jensen

Teacher jokes-Definitely

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue".

The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green."

The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion."

So the student replies, "Then I definitely soiled my pants."

Really funny jokes-Spell what your father does

The teacher says to her new class, "For our first lesson, each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Billy. You go first."

Billy stands up and says, "My name's Billy. My father's a lawyer, l-a-w-y-e-r, and he defends people in court."

The teacher says, "Very good. All right, Benjamin."

Tyrone stands up and says, "My name's Benjamin. My father's a pharmacist, f-a-m... f-a-r-n... f-n..."

The teacher says, "Benjamin, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Angelo."

Angelo stands up and says, "My name's Angelo. My old man's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he'd give you nine-to-five odds Benjamin ain't spellin' pharmacist by tomorrow."

Mr. Bean jokes-Five plus four

Teacher: What is 5 plus 4?
Mr. Bean: 9

Teacher: What is 4 plus 5?
Mr. Bean: Are you trying to fool me, you've just twisted the figure, the answer is 6!!

Teacher jokes-Puns

* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.

* The professor discovered that his theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.

Short funny jokes-Best time to pick pears

TEACHER: "Tell me, Johnny, which is the best time to pick pears? Spring, summer, autumn or winter?"

JOHNNY: "The best time to pick pears is when the farmer is not at home and there's no dog on the farm."

Kids jokes-Can't find it

Norman was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.

So Norman raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused.

Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Norman to be quick.

Five minutes later Norman returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed.

"I can't find it," he admitted.

The teacher sat Norman down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now.

Norman looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.

Well, five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher "I can't find it".

Frustrated, the teacher asked Eddie, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.

So Eddie and Norman go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats.

The teacher asks Eddie "Well, did you find it ?"

Eddie is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."

Funny jokes-You're A Teacher If...

You're A Teacher If...

You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.

You find humor in other people's stupidity. You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."

You believe chocolate is a food group.

You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.

You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.

You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."

When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know to correct their behavior.

You have no life between August to June.

You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.

You believe in aerial Prozac spraying.

You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.

You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.

You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

You know you are in for a major project when a parent says: "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."

You want to choke a person when they say "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."

Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"

Little Johnny jokes-Raw material

The science teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher smiled, and then she called on Little Johnny.

Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicone."

The teacher said, "Silicone? Why silicone, Little Johnny?"

"Because my mom has two bags of the stuff and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

Teacher jokes-Tough Exam

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

Teacher jokes-Figures of Speech

A fifth grade teacher was questioning her students use of the word "like." She explained that, contrary to their common use of it, "like" was not an adjective but a comparison word. She then challenged them to think up some similes to exemplify the lesson. This done, she moved on to ask about other figures of speech.

"Class, what others can you think of?"

No one in the class could come up with anything, so she prompted them with a couple of her own.
"How about metaphors and personification?" she asked. "Aren't they examples?"

Little Johnny raised his hand, and when called upon said, "I know what a metaphor is, but not personification."

The teacher replied, "What's the word to describe what I'm saying when I point to that old willow tree and say 'He's saluting us with his branches.' Or what if I asked the sun to send us some sunshine? Or if I said 'That field of tall grass is waving at us?' What word best describes what I'm doing when I speak like that?"

Little Johnny thought a moment, then said, "Hallucinating?"

Short funny jokes-How many professors

How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Funny jokes-Identifying bacteria

A group of students had a biology lab. As a part of this lab they were supposed to scrape some bacteria off their teeth with a toothpick and then examine it under the microscope.

But this one girl had some problems identifying her bacteria and asked the professor what they were.

"Those are sperm cells", replied the Professor.

Hilarious jokes-Crucial letter

An English public school was forced to raise its fees. The headmaster, Mr Jackson decided that the best way to raise the extra money was to institute an across the board 6% increase per annum. Unfortunately, when his secretary typed the letter, she missed out a crucial 'n' in the last word, consequently, the letter read thus:

Dear Mr Elsworth

Due to increased costs, I have decided reluctantly to raise the school fees by 7% per anum.

Yours sincerely,
J.B. Jackson (Headmaster)

The following month, one concerned parent replied by saying:

Dear Headmaster

I regret your increase in fees, but I would like to continue paying through the nose as before.

Yours sincerely
W.K Elsworth

Teacher jokes-10 foot snake

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.
SAMMY : You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.

Kids jokes-Teacher's question

TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other what would I have?

CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!

Teacher joke-Prevent diseases

TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
JOSE : Don't bite any.

Teacher jokes-Before he died

The teacher says, "Let's discuss what your fathers do for a living."

Mary says, "My Dad is a policeman. He puts bad guys in jail."

Jack says, "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all sick people better."

The teacher says, to Little Johnny, "John, what does your Dad do?"

Johnny says, "My Dad is dead."

She says, "I'm sorry to hear that. But what did he do before he died?"

Johnny says, "He turned blue and crapped on the carpet."

Funny jokes-Travel by train

President of Pakistan, Zardari's son (Bilawal) goes to Germany to study.

A month later, he sends a letter to his dad saying:

"Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but I'm a bit ashamed to arrive to school with my gold Mercedes when all my teachers travel by train."

Sometime later he gets a letter from his dad with a ten million dollar cheque from a Swiss Bank account saying:

"Stop embarrassing us, go and get yourself a train too"

Kids jokes-Strange socks

Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!

L-Johnny: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home.