Poem and essay

Johnny: What is the difference between a poem and an essay?

Barry: Even a word uttered by one's lover is like a poem while just one word uttered by one's wife is like an essay.

All about birds

Miss Monica, the English teacher asked the little Tom, "Do you know all about birds?"

Little Tom replied, "Yes, madam. I do."

Miss Monica asked, "Tell me which bird cannot fly."

Little Tom replied, "A dead one!"

One sided love

Billy said to his friend, "What is your view on one-sided love?"

Joey says, "I think I would prefer it over both-sided love. When love is on both sides, sometimes it culminates into marriage!" 

Seeing the doc

Alex went to see Dr. Jones and sneezed the moment he walked in the doc's cabin.

The doctor asked, "Flu?"

Alex said, "No, I took a bus."

No interest

Betty sued a medical center alleging that her husband showed on interest in her after having surgery at the clinic.

The owner of the medical center appeared in court and said, "I run an eye clinic. All I did was operate him for cataract!"

Husband's occupation

Sally met her niece Ana after a number of years.
Sally asked, "Did you marry?"
Ana replied, "Yes I did."
Sally asked, "What does your husband do?"
Ana replied, "He regrets!"

No Action

Martha came home and said to her husband, "Bill, I am sorry but the gynac said we cannot make love for the next 6 weeks."

Bill looked up from the newspaper he was reading and asked, "Uh...ok...and what did the dentist have to say?"

Different positions

After being promised that she will make him experiment with different positions, Juan immediately proposed to Tina. 

Now, Juan is her hubby, her maid, her laundry guy, her cook and her electrician!

Redemption

Albert prayed to God, "Oh Almighty! I have sinned. I want redemption. Please give me sorrow & pain, give me troubles, let me be haunted by spirits."

God boomed, "Cut it short, mate. Why don't you just say you want a wife!"

Helpless

A drunk man fell on the road. Looking at his condition, Pandu, the policeman on duty commented, "Why do you drink so much?"

The drunk man replied, "Sir, I was helpless."

Pandu glared at him and said, "Oh really? And how is that?"

The drunk dude replied, "I had lost the cap of the bottle!"

Dangerous events

An aspirant who wanted to participate in a Daredevilry event was asked by the selection committee, "Do you taken part in any dangerous events?"

Johnny, the aspirant, replied, "Yep. I do not agree with my wife on some occasions."

Shopping at the mall

Jack says to his wife Mandy, "You've been missing since the last 5 hours. Where were you?"

Mandy replies, "I had gone shopping at the mall."

Jack asks, "Ok, so what have you got?"

Mandy replies, "A lipstick and 50 selfies."

Labour pain

Cristina was going through labour pain at the hospital. She was screaming in agony, and looking at her condition, her boyfriend Peter said, "Darling, I am so sorry that you have to go through this because of me."

Cristina replied, "Relax Peter, none of your fault anyway." 

Hilarious jokes-On the phone

David was getting irritated standing outside the public phone booth. Losing his patience, he knocked on the door and said, "Hello there, you have been in there for more than 20 minutes and I have not seen you speak at all."

The guy inside the booth replied, "Dude I am speaking to the missus."

All kinds

Tom says to his wife, "What kind of food have you cooked? This tastes like sh*t!"

Sandra mutters to herself, "Oh God, this man has tasted everything in life."

Online joke-Nuptial services

I was wondering if Amazon would be interested in starting nuptial services. I have no doubt that they will become the Numero Uno online portal in the world given that they have a one month return policy. No questions asked!

SMS joke-Sophisticated

Women have become much more sophisticated in the way they kill each other. Gone are the days when guns and knives were used to draw blood. These days, simple techniques like posting the latest holiday pics on FB and Whatsapp goes a long way!

Knock knock joke-Command

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Command.
Command who?
Command get me!

Funny joke-Missing

Tina said to her husband Rex, "What will you do if I go missing some day?"

Rex replied instantly, "I will give an ad in the papers."

Tine said, "And what will the ad read?"

Rex replied, "Finders keepers."

Anniversary joke-Memorable night

Bubba asked his wife, "It's our anniversary, my love. Tomorrow we complete 3 years of our marriage. Tell me sweetheart, in these 3 years, which night was the most memorable for you?"

Rosy replied, "The night you went out of town."