Really funny jokes-Brain transplantation

A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantation asked about the prices.

The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000."

The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"

The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."

Funny jokes-You might be a cop if

You Might Be a Cop if...

people shout, "I didn't do it!" when you walk into a room.

your idea of a good time is an armed robbery at shift change.

you disbelieve 90% of what you hear and 75% of what you see.

you believe the government should require a permit to reproduce.

you believe prozac should be added regularly to the water system.

when you mention vegetables, you're not referring to the food group.

you want to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide - getting it right the first time."

you call for a criminal record check on anyone who seems friendly toward you.

you believe anyone who says, "I only had two beers" is going to blow over 150.

you walk into places and people think it's high comedy to seize a co-worker and shout, "They've come to get you...".

Clean jokes-Philosopher and Engineer

What's the difference between a philosopher and an engineer?

About 50,000 a year.

Really funny jokes-Who is the best?

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Accountant jokes-Charisma

When does a person decide to become an accountant?

When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

Insurance jokes-How actuaries do it

How actuaries do it...

Actuaries do it without risk.
Actuaries do it with frequency and severity.
Actuaries do it until death or disability, whichever comes first.

Office jokes-Committee Rules

Committee Rules

Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular - it's what everyone is waiting for.

Really funny jokes-Physicist, chemist, and statistician

Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.

The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than the ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."

The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."

While the physicist and chemist debate what course to take, they both are alarmed to see the statistician running around the room starting other fires. They both scream, "What are you doing?"

To which the statistician replies, "Trying to get an adequate sample size."

Really funny jokes-Manager in Farm

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.

The farmer told him to clean the droppings of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but for his surprise the manager finished the job in less than one day.

The next day the farmer gave to the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day the job was done.

The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes in two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.

At the end of the day the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: "How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?"

The manager answered: "Listen, all my life I'm cutting heads and dealing with crap, but now you ask me to make decisions."

One line jokes-The post Office

The Post Office in the USA lost $5.1 billion last year making it the most successful government organization in history.

Clean jokes-Worry job

A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job advertised in the Sydney Morning Herald. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."

"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"

"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.

"Seventy-five thousand dollars. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"

"That," says the man, "is your first worry."

Really funny jokes-Missing accountant

A businessman hires a private detective to find a missing accountant. The detective tells him that he needs a description and asks a few questions. "Was he tall or was he short?"

The businessman replies, "Both!"

Obama jokes-Cabinet

Q: What is the difference between Obama and Jesus?

A: Jesus can put a cabinet together.

Really funny jokes-Auditors

"The auditors have just left, sir."

"Did they check the books?"

"Very thoroughly."

"What did they say?"

"They want 15% to keep quiet."

Hilarious jokes-Ethics

The managing partner in an accounting firm is very annoyed with one of his junior partners and has called him in to chastise him. "How could you possibly advise the client in the way you did? That was completely unethical. We are always conscious of Ethics in this firm. You do know what Ethics is don't you?"

The young partner is offended. "Of course I know what Ethics is. It's a county in southern England."

Funny jokes-Insurance and Sales representatives

An insurance rep, a sales assistant and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an old oil lamp.

The rep rubs off some of the grime and a genie comes out in a cloud of smoke. The Genie says, "I only grant 3 wishes, so I will grant one for each of you."

"Dips on the first one!” says the sales assistant. "I relax on a beach in maui, with an endless supply of Sailor Jerry, without a care in the world." All of the sudden there is a poof and a cloud of smoke and the assistant is gone.

The sales rep is amazed and steps up to go next. "I want to be transported to bora bora with an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Instantly the sale rep is gone.

The genie then turns to the manager and says "You’re next.”

The manager thinks for a moment and then says, "I want both of them back in the office by noon."

Really funny jokes-Aviation amusement

The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were often short-tempered. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."

The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" S

peedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."

Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."

Finance jokes-CPA

What does CPA stand for?
Can't Produce Anything

What does FCPA stand for?
Finally Caught Pinching the Assets.

Hilarious jokes-Auditor

Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because he looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

Why did he cross back?
So he could charge the client for travel expenses.

Hilarious jokes-Lost bearings

An auditor is checking the books of an airline. He is puzzled by the excess use of fuel on a Melbourne to Canberra flight. He rings up the pilot and asks for an explanation.

"It was late at night'" says the pilot, "Canberra was covered in fog and I lost my bearings."

"I'm sorry," says the auditor, "but you'll have to bear the cost yourself."

"The cost of what?" asks the pilot. "Of the bearings you lost."