Office jokes-To the Doctor

Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Smith into his office.
"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor."
"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Smith. "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking, do you?"

Quality jokes-Transplants

The patient demanded, "Doc, I just must have a liver transplant, a kidney transplant, a cornea transplant, a lung transplant, and a heart transplant."
"WHAT?" yelled the doctor. "Tell me, exactly why you think you need all these transplants. "
"Well," explained the patient, "my boss told me that I needed to get reorganized. "

Really funny jokes-Sinking ship

Left on a sinking ship were the Captain and three sailors. The Captain spoke first.
"Men, this business about a Captain going down with this ship is nonsense. There's a three-man life raft on board and I'm going to be on it. To see who will come with me, I will ask you each
one question. The one who can't answer will stay behind. Here's the first question :
What unsinkable ship went down when it hit an iceberg ?"
The first sailor answered, "The Titanic,Sir."
"On to the next question: How many people perished?"
The second sailor said, "One thousand five hundred and seventeen, Sir"
"Now for the third question," and the Captain turned to sailor number three.
"What were their names?"

Short funny jokes-Sick and tired

"How are things going with you?"
"So so. I left my job, because of illness and fatigue."
"Sorry to hear that. What happened?"
"My boss got sick and tired of me."

Office jokes-I need a raise

"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."
"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"
"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

Ultimate jokes-If You Love Someone

THE ORIGINAL QUOTE
If you love someone,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was....

THE NEW VERSIONS.... .

Pessimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, as expected, she never was

Optimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.

Suspicious:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back within some time forget her.

Patient:
If you love someone, Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back,
continue to wait until she comes back ...

Playful:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she comes back, and if you love her still,
set her free again, repeat ....

Biologist:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
She'll evolve.

Statisticians:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she loves you, the probability of her coming
back is high
If she doesn't, your relation was improbable
anyway.

Over possessive person:
If you love someone
don't set her free.

Psychologist:
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

Somnambulist:
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back it's a nightmare
If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.

ERP functional expert:
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back, map her into your system
If she doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis

Finance expert :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

Marketing Specialist :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new market

Insurance jokes-Selling a policy

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. "We don't need any one," they replied.
"You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anytime anything."
"We have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job."
He was gone for about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for a $80,000 policy and another for a $50,000 policy. "How in the world did you do that," they asked.
"I told you I'm the world's best salesman, I can sell anyone anywhere anytime."
"Did you get a urine sample?" they asked him.
"Why's that?" he asked.
"Well, if you sell a policy over $40,000 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."
He was gone for about eight hours and then he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Brown's and this one is Mr. Smith's."
"That's good," they said, "but what's in those two buckets?"
"Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention and I sold them a group policy!"

Short funny jokes-Step ladder

Sign in an office:
Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.

Office jokes-Laugh

I joined a new office. The Branch Manager told a few boring jokes but to my surprise, all my colleagues laughed.
After coming out of the cabin, I pulled out my colleague and asked him as to why they were laughing to thr useless jokes. He replied, "If you don't laugh, he will think that we have not understood the joke and repeat the same joke again and again!"

Financial crisis jokes-Magicians

Three world famous magicians were in the bar drinking and boasting about their achievements.
The first one said," During my latest show, I made three women from the audience disappear, it was so convincing that their relatives started panicking, no one could find the trick"
The second one said, " Hey, that is nothing, during one of my open air shows I made the Municipality building disappear and the entire town was searching for it"
The third one sighed and said," Both of you are so local, I went to Paris and made the Eiffel Tower disappear for a full one hour, it was live on the TV, entire France was searching for the building & no one had a clue".
Just then an Indian walked into the bar and the three magicians suddenly turned quiet, gave each other fugitive glances and started to slip towards the door.
A Bartender watching this got curious and asked one of the magicians, "Hey what happened Who is that guy ? "
One of the magicians whispered, " He is the World's greatest magician, he has done the biggest disappearing trick of all times, we are all mere amateurs compared with what he has done. His name is Ramalinga Raju. He has made USD 1.5 billion disappear from his company's balance sheet in front of everyone's eyes, and the entire world is still looking for it "

Office jokes-Management in scientific terms

The heaviest element known to science is Managerium.
This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus composed of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.
Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization.
Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.

Office jokes-Secretary

The Secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The Boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you you could come and go as you please around here ?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, "My lawyer."

Office jokes-Terrorist Alert

Recently we have received credible intelligence that there have been seven terrorists working in your office.
Fortunately, six of the seven have been apprehended.
Bin Sleepin,
Bin Loafin,
Bin Goofin,
Bin Lunchin,
Bin Drinkin and
Bin Behind-Kissin
have all been taken into custody.
At this time, no one fitting the description of the seventh cell member, Bin Workin, has been found at your office.
We are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
You are OBVIOUSLY not a suspect at this time.

Office jokes

What do you call 12 investment bankers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

Financial meltdown jokes

Quote of the day from a trader:
"This is worse than a divorce. I've lost half my net worth and I still have a wife."

Office jokes clean -Heating the nut

I was working in a scrap yard repairing construction equipment. One afternoon, I was taking apart a piling hammer that had some very large bolts holding it together.
One of the nuts had corroded on to the bolt; to free it, I started heating the nut with an oxy-acetylene torch. As I was doing this, one of the dimmest apprentices I have ever known came along.
He asked me what I was doing. I patiently explained that if I heated the nut, it would grow larger and release its grip on the bolt so I could then remove it.
"So things get larger when they get hot, do they?" he asked.
Suddenly, an idea flashed into my mind. "Yes," I said, "that's why days are longer in summer and shorter in winter."
There was a long pause, then his face cleared. "You know, I always wondered about that," he said.

Really very funny jokes-Sentry duty

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No vehicle was to enter unless it had the proper sticker on the windshield.
Now, a huge Army car came up with a General seated in the back. The sentry yelled, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The General said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving on without your sticker."
The General repeated, "I'm telling you, Corporal, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window with the gun at the ready and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

Really funny jokes-Marines

The Korean War, in which the Marine Corps fought and won some of its most brutal battles, was not without its gallows humor. During one such conflict a ROK (Republic of Korea) commander, whose unit was fighting along with the Marines, called to report a major Chinese attack in his sector.
"How many Chinese are attacking you?" he was asked by the command Colonel.
"Many, many Chinese!" replied the excited Korean officer.
When asked for another, more specific, count, the colonel got the same, vague answer, "Many, many Chinese!"
"dammit!, " screamed the colonel, "put my Marine liaison officer on the radio."
A moment later, an American voice came over the air "Yes sir?"
"Lieutenant, exactly how many Chinese you got up there?"
"Colonel, we got a whole lot of Chinese up here!"
"Thank God," exclaimed the colonel, "At least there's one person up there who knows how to count!"

Office jokes-Verbal

"Now this is the verbal part of your employment test," said the interviewer. "Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"
"Certainly," replied the applicant. "It means I don't get the job."

Police Humor

So you thought police officers didn't have a sense of humor.
The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country:
#14 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
#13 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#12 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#11 "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."
#10 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
#9 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
#8 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey $#*!."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
#1 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"