The punk

Dan entered the Metro and immediately attracted attention. His hair was spiked and was dyed pink and blue. His clothes were torn. He was wearing his jeans way below the waist. He had a nose ring and several earrings. There were big feathers attached to a bandana that he was sporting.

Dan took a seat across from an old fella who keeps staring at him for a long time.

Agitated, Dan said, "What are you staring at, you old geezer, did you never do anythin wild in your youth?"

The old guy shot back, "Of course I did. I was on a sales trip to Bangkok and I did it to a parrot once. Looks like you are my son!"

Fussy customer

Mrs. Robbins, known to be extremely fussy, goes to D-Mart to buy some fresh fruits.

She says to the girl behind the counter, "I want three kilos of pears. Kindly wrap each pear separately in plastic.

The girl behind the counter silently fulfills the customer's demand.

The lady then checks some apples and says to the girl behind the counter, "I would also like to take 2 kilos of fresh apples. Please pack each apple separately in plastic."

Irritated, yet composed, the girl behind the counter obliges Mrs. Robbins again.

Mrs. Robbins, pointing her finger towards a basket inquires, "And what is there in that basket over that side?"

"Grapes", says the girl behind the counter, quickly adding, "but those are rotten!"

Quest for fools

There was a ruler of a dynasty who called upon his deputy. When the deputy arrived, the ruler said to him, "I know there are lot of intelligent people in our kingdom. Similarly, there should also be no dearth of fools."

The deputy answered, "I am sure there would be many, sire."

The ruler then said, "I want you to search the kingdom and find me 5 such fools."

The deputy said he would, and left the ruler's court. The deputy was perplexed with the task of finding fools. He wondered how would he ever manage to catch hold of 5 fools.

The deputy returned to the court after four weeks and presented 2 men before the ruler.

The ruler said, "I think I wanted to see 5 fools. Why have you brought only 2 men?"

The deputy said, "Please let me explain, sire. I searched the length and breadth of the Kingdom. I found this fellow carrying a heavy bag of wheat on his head while he was seated in a mule-driven cart. When I asked him why he had not placed the bag on the cart, he replied that it would add to the mule's burden. I realized I had found the 5th candidate in the list of fools and brought him here."

The ruler said, "Good. What about the next guy?"

The deputy continued, "I found this other fellow feeding sweets to his cow so that it delivers sweet milk. I knew I had found the 4th candidate in the fools' list."

The ruler said, "All right. What about the other two fools?"

The deputy replied, "When there are so many social & economic problems to resolve in this kingdom, I am wasting my time looking for fools in this kingdom. Thereby, I am the 3rd fool."

The ruler laughed and said, "Ok, who is next?"

The deputy replied, "When our enemies are knocking at our doorstep,and instead of attending to security issues and issues related to the welfare of the people of this dynasty, you are looking out for fools, that makes you the 2nd candidate in the list of fools."

The entire court went into silence.

The ruler said, "You are right and I appreciate your courage. Tell me, who is the 1st fool?"

The deputy replied, "Sire, when there is so much work to finish at office and at home, the one who is reading this joke leaving aside everything else is the 1st fool!"

Cruising down the highway

Robbie, the truck driver, was cruising along the highway, when he noticed a small brown guy standing in the middle of the road waving his hand. Robbie stopped the truck and asked the small guy what he wanted.

The small guy said, "I am brown. I am from Pluto and I am hungry."

Robbie shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, I can offer you my sandwich, little fella and that's about all I can do."

Robbie gave his sandwich to the little guy and drove off. After a little distance, he noticed a small red guy standing in the middle of the road waving his hand. Robbie stopped the truck and asked the small guy what he wanted.

The small guy said, "I am red. I am from Mars and I am thirsty."

Robbie getting a little impatient, said "All I have is a bottle of beer. You can take it, but that's about all I can do for you."

He handed over the beer to the small guy and drove off. He had covered only a few miles when he saw a small blue man in the middle of the road.

Robbie, a little irritated by then, stopped his truck and said to the guy angrily, "Yes, you idiotic blue joker. Which godforsaken planet are you from, and what do you want?"

The little guy replied, "May I see your Driver's license, sir!"

Drunk driving

Sid and John, totally drunk at the bar, were driving home. Sid yelled, "John! Watch out for the tree. Watch out Johhnnnn!"

Crash!!Boom! Bang!!!

They hit the tree and passed out.

They found themselves in adjacent hospital beds the next morning. Sid said to John, "You are such an idiot. I shouted there was a tree ahead. Why didn't you listen to me???"

John replied, "It was YOU driving!!"

Cab driver

Tom, Peter and Jack were completely sloshed at the bar. When they decided to head home, they all got into a cab. The driver seeing that they were not in their senses, just turned the engine on and then turned it off after some time without moving the cab.

He then announced that they had reached. Tom pulled out some dollars and gave it to the cab driver. Peter just said thanks & got out of the car. Jack, before getting out, slapper the cab driver hard. The cab driver, not expecting to be caught, was taken aback. He asked, "What was that for?"

Jack said, "If I find you drive this rash ever again, I will report you to the police."

Good deed

Fred was at the doors of Heaven. Before allowing him entry, he was asked a number of questions.

One of the questions asked was if he had done any good deeds.

Fred replied, "Yes, of course. I had chanced upon a gang of ruffians who had accosted a young girl. I ordered them to leave her alone but they just laughed. So, I confronted the gang leader and asked him to get lost with his gang. When he would not listen, I gave him a punch right in his face, then another one into his ribs. I kicked him, pulled his hair and announced, "If you care for your life, leave NOW!"

St. Peter was amazed by the courage of the man and asked him, "When did this happen?"

Fred replied, "Just a few minutes back."

Croc scare

Old Mr. Jones living in the countryside, sent his grandson Nick to the riverside to fetch a bucket of water. When Nick dipped the bucket in the water, he saw what appeared to be a crocodile. Terrified, Nick dropped the bucket and ran back to the house. He said to his grandfather, "I cannot get water, Grandpa. There is a big croc in the river. It scared me to death."

Old Mr. Jones said to Nick, "You can ignore that croc, Nick. He's been around for many years now and I have never heard about the old fella hurting anyone. Maybe he is as terrified of you as you are of him."

Nick replied, "Well, if he is as terrified of me as I am of him, then I don't think the water is good to drink."

Airplane design

A small airplane encounters engine failure and begins to nose-dive. The pilot manages to land the aircraft safely on the ocean. He announces that it is an emergency and that all passengers should remain seated. He further declares that the airplane was designed to stay afloat for an hour provided that the doors are not opened. This would give rescue teams enough time to reach out to help them.

A soon as the announcement is over, one of the passengers, Mr. Gupta, runs to open the door. While the passengers look in horror, the pilot yells at Mr. Gupta, "Please do not do that! Didn't you hear what I announced? This airplane won't sink for a while if the door remains closed!"

Mr. Gupta answered, "Ya ya. This plane is also designed to fly, and we all saw how good it was!"

Which side of the bar?

Danny, the big wrestler entered a bar and ordered his beer. He sipped from his mug, then loudly announced,  "All you people of the left side of the bar are bl**dy idiots!"

There was silence in the bar. Danny asked again ,"Does anyone have a problem with that?"

He had a few more sips. Then announced again "All you people of the right side of the bar are cowards!"

There was silence in the bar.

He looked around and said, "Does anyone have a problem with that?"

A man got up and walked towards him. Danny looked him in the eye and said, "You got a problem, dude?"

The man replied, "No problem. I'm just going to the right side of the bar."

The delicious sandwich

There was this group of old ladies who met at a club every weekend to play bridge.

Half way through the game, One lady Elsa exclaimed, "Oh no! I am late. I have to get back home & prepare dinner for my husband, Gilbert. If I do not reach home before he is back from work, all hell will break lose!

When Elsa reached home, she realized there was only a loaf of bread and two eggs in the kitchen. Since there was no time to go to the store to buy stuff, she searched the cupboard and found a can of cat-food. As she could not think of anything else, she made some sandwiches with the egg and the cat-food just as Gilbert entered the door.

She watched in disgust as Gilbert wolfed down the sandwich. Expecting to be reprimanded, she was surprised when Gilbert announced that this was the best sandwich she had ever made for him and that she should make it more often.

So Elsa made her husband the cat-food sandwich every time she went out with the old gals to play bridge. When she told her bridge mates about it, they were shocked! One of them said, "But he could die!"

After three months, Gilbert died.

When the old women met the next time for a game, one of them said to Elsa, "He died because of you. We had warned you against giving him cat-food but you did not listen. How could you be so calm enjoying the game knowing that he died because of you?!"

Elsa replied, "I am not responsible. He fell off a tree trying to catch a sparrow."

Books you should read

Betty was at home with her dad when she suddenly noticed her boyfriend Rob at the gate.

Betty said to Rob, "Did you come to borrow the book titled DAD DOESN'T LIKE IT by Roger Brown"

Rob replied, "No, I wanted to borrow the book SHOULD I WAIT FOR U IN THE PARK by Ruchi Mukherjee?"

Betty said, "I do not have that book. I suggest you borrow the one titled AT THE COFFEE SHOP by Nazir Hussain."

Rob said, "Ok, please also get THE SOONER THE BETTER by Cindy Chan."

Betty replied, "No problem. I will also fetch WON'T LET U DOWN by Ojas Patel."

Betty's dad said, "Don't tell me he is going to read all those books."

Besst said, "He will dad. He's very smart."

Dad barked, "All right. Just remember to add the book titled DO U THINK I AM STUPID! by James Bond."

Property agent

Ben, a property agent, was showing a condo to a couple, Mr. & Mrs. Jones, who wanted to occupy the property on rent.

Ben asked, "Are you both employed?"

The couple nodded in unison.

Ben asked, "Children?"

Mrs Jones, replied, "Three. Ages six, eight & nine."

Ben asked, "Animals?"

Mrs. Jones replied, "No no. They are all decent and well behaved children."

The flirting salesman

Dennis, a salesman at a clothing store, was a big flirt. He had often been warned for flirting with customers but he was not one to give up so soon.

One day, a pretty young thing came to the store and selecting a dress material, asked him, "How much for this fabric material for a new gown?"

Dennis replied, "For you, it's a kiss a meter."

The girl, shocked by this rude reply, quickly recovered and said, "Ok, I will take 12 meters then."

Dennis, not believing his good luck, quickly measured and wrapped the fabric. Then holding the parcel out to her, he looked at her with naughty eyes.

The girl, snatching the parcel from him and pointing towards an old man, said, "Grandpa here will settle the bill."

Thunder and lightening

When there was loud thunder and lightening, little Joey was rudely woken out of his slumber and he ran to his parents' bedroom.

His father tried to comfort him by saying, "There's no need to be scared of thunder & lightening. It's just some sound & flash that God makes when he is displeased with someone telling a lie."

Little Joey asked,"But why is God making those sounds at this hour? It's past midnight and everyone is fast asleep."

His father said, "Yes that's right, my son. But this is the time when newspapers get printed!"

Attractive package by Mehta travels

Mehta travels, a travel agency based in India, advertised an attractive package to enhance sales. They offered a free ticket for the spouse on the purchase of one ticket to Europe. Undoubtedly, the scheme was a huge success with men buying the package trip and sales multiplied.

When the scheme ended, Mehta travels sent letters to the wives asking for feedback on the vacation.

All of them replied, "What vacation?"

Mary's birthday

Phil forgot his wife Mary's birthday and she was sure mad as hell.

Mary screamed at him ,"I can't believe this! After doing so much for you for all these years, how could you just forget my b'day?"

Phil replied, "Honey, its not my fault. You never seem to be getting any older. No wonder I forgot."

Mary's anger melted and she hugged Phil.

Phil winked at his refection in the mirror and thought to himself, "Thank God I could come up with this line and the timing was so right! Or else I would have had it today!!!"

Lost trekker

Stan, a trekking enthusiast, was on one of his trek trips when he realized he was lost. There was fog all around and visibility was poor. He kept wandering for 4 days and almost losing his mind, when the fog
receded, and he noticed a man in the distance. Hopes regained, he ran to the man and cried, "Help!"

The man asked him, "What happened?"

Stan replied, "I am lost! I have been wandering for the past 4 days without food and water."

The man asked him, "Is there a reward for you?"

Stan thought and replied, "I don't think so? Why?"

"Well, if that be the case, you are still lost!" replied the man, and disappeared into the fog.

Bad stomach

Joe was visiting his relatives in DC. He stayed back for a couple of days. one night, he had a drink too many and had also eaten street food. He was not feeling too well the next morning. His stomach was so upset, he felt sick. He rushed to the bathroom several times but they all turned out to be false alarms. When he felt the urge one more time, he decided it was another false one, and did not budge from the bed. The next thing he knew he had dirtied the bed and it was a pathetic sight.

Not knowing what to do and embarrassed by the thought that his relatives will find out that he has splattered the bed sheet with unmentionables, he quickly collected the bed sheet and threw it out of the window.

The soiled sheet landed on a drunk who was passing by underneath the window. the drunk started swearing and screaming hysterically, punching in the air which left the bed sheet in a messy pile.

A passer-by, intrigued by the incident, stopped to ask what was going on.

The drunk replied, "You won't believe it but I just beat the cr*p out of a ghost!"

Curious Betty

Betty was a curious little girl. She asked her mother one day, "Mom, how was I born?"

Her mother, careful with her words, said, "God created you."

Betty asked, "What about you? Did he create you too?"

Her mother replied, "Yes he did, my child."

Betty, not satisfied yet, asked, "What about Dad, grandad, grandma?"

Her mother replied, "Yes sweety, all of them were created by God."

Betty said, "You must be kidding me Mom. Do you really mean no one has made love in the family in the last 100 years? no wonder we are a crazy family!"


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