Realization of becoming a Mother

My daughter Maureen, realized she had finally turned into a mother, due to the following observations:

- She developed a habit of automatically double-knotting everything she tied.

- She found herself humming the Barney song as she did the dishes.

- The moment she would hear a baby cry in the grocery store, she would start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth, even though the children were at school!

- She actually began to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

- She wept through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to her.

- She got so involved with crafts that she was considering writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.

- She would spend an hour looking for her glares only to have her little kid comment, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"

- She would be dining in a fine restaurant with her husband, when suddenly she would realize that she had reached over and started to cut up his steak!

Good jokes-Just one instance

Jim was getting drunk at a pub with his old chum, Bob. Having had a rum too many, Jim started complaining about his mother-in-law, how he found her disgusting, bossy, pompous, intrusive, and unbearable.

Suddenly, Jim leaned over and confessed that he had to give the old gal credit for one thing. There was one instance in his life when he would have cut his throat if it weren't for her.

Bob, surprised by the sudden change of heart, asked "Really? What happened?"

Jim said, "She was using my razor."

A busy MBA student

Betty, who was pursuing her MBA in Finance at Harvard, had become too busy with her studies, classes, projects and part-time job.

She realized how long she had been out of touch with her parents when she received the following e-mail from her mother:

"Dear Betty, your father and I enjoyed your last e-mail. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Mom."

The wise king's decision

Two women approach the King of Persia, dragging between them a young man called Arya.

"This young man promised to marry my daughter," said one of the women.

"No! Arya agreed to marry my daughter," said the other woman.

The two women kept on arguing in front of the King, until he called for silence.

The king announced, "I have a solution to your problem. I will cut this young man into two pieces with my sword. You will both receive a half."

"I am fine with the idea," said the first woman. But the other woman cried, "Oh King, please do not kill this man. Let the other woman have him and marry him to her daughter."

The wise king had taken his decision. He announced, "This young man, Arya must marry the daughter of the first lady."

"But that's unfair!" exclaimed the court.

The wise King said,"As she was willing to see the young man cut in two, it proves she is indeed the TRUE mother-in-law!"

Funny jokes-Origins

There guys were discussing the origins of human beings and where did Adam and Eve come from.

Jack, the British guy, said, "They have to be British, only a gentleman would share his last apple with a woman."

Pierre, the French guy claimed, "There is no doubt they were French. The French are so good at seducing women."

Bob, the American commented, "My guess is they were Russian. After all, who else could roam around naked, survive on one apple between the two of them and still feel they were in paradise?"

Flasher repair

Dean was recruited in police department as a car mechanic. One day, his superior told him to repair flashers on the top. Dean tried his best but could not get the flashers working. Finally, he took the car to a garage in the city.

Next day his superior inquired about the flashers. Dean said: “Yes boss, they are working fine now. But I had to take the car to the garage to get them working. I thought the mechanic there would fleece me. But all he did was to add 78 dollars worth of blinker fluid.”

Two mothers-in-law

Danny was being tried for Bigamy in a court.

After the judge passed his sentence, he asked Danny, "Have you learnt your lesson and realized what a bad thing it is to have more than one wife."

"Yes, your honor, I have," he replied.

"What is it that you realized?" the judge asked.

Danny replied, "Having two wives means having two mothers-in-law, and that, in itself, should be grounds enough to support assisted suicide."

Nervous expectant fathers

There are 4 impatient men nervously pacing the floor of a nursing home, waiting for their wives to give birth.

A nurse comes of the delivery room and says to Robert, the first expectant dad, "Congratulations, you've twins!"

Robert says excitedly. "Oh! What a coincidence, I work at the Petronas Twin Towers".

Another nurse comes out of the room and tells the second expectant father, Mike, "Congratulations, your wife gave birth to triplets!"

"Wow!! What an amazing coincidence!" says Mike "I work for 3M."

Another nurse comes out of the room and tells the third expectant father, Jason, "Congratulations! Your wife has got quadruplets!"

Jason exclaims, "Oh my God! This has to be some coincidence. I work at Four Seasons Hotel!"

Meanwhile, Kumar, the fourth expectant father seems to be worried and breaks into a sweat.

The other 3 fathers ask him, "What's the matter? Why are you so worried?"

Kumar replies, "Well.... I work at Seven-Eleven!"

Cow dispute!

Dean and Martin lived in the country and owned small farms. One day, one of Dean's cows entered Martin's farm and Martin began to claim that it was his cow.

A fight broke out between the two. Dean went to town and came back with a lawyer so that the lawyer could assess the situation.

Dean took the lawyer to Martin's farm and again there was a quarrel. Dean started pulling the cow by the tail, while Martin was pulling the animal by the horns. Suddenly the lawyer could not be seen. He was found lying on the ground milking the cow.

Buzzer for the blind

Tina was walking down the street with her boyfriend. When the stoplight on the corner buzzed indicating it was safe to cross the street, while crossing the road she asked her boyfriend, "What is the buzzer for?"

Her boyfriend explained, "Well, it signals blind people when the light is red."

Horrified, she responded, "Why the heck would blind people drive??"

Praise the Almighty

Mrs. Smith, an old lady who lived in the countryside, had a peculiar habit. She would step onto her front porch every morning, raise her arms to the sky, and yell, "Praise the Almighty!"

Her new neighbor, Mr. Fowler who had just moved in, happened to be an atheist. Mr. Fowler didn't like Mrs. Smith's morning ritual. So, he would retaliate by stepping onto his front porch after her and shouting: "There's no Almighty!".

Time passed with the two of them carrying on the same way every day.

One morning, when it was bitter cold, Mrs. Smith stepped onto her front porch and yelled: "Praise the Almighty! I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Almighty!"

The next morning when she stepped out onto her porch, she saw a big bag of groceries lying there.

"Praise the Almighty!" she cried out. "He has provided groceries for me!"

Her atheist neighbor, Mr. Fowler jumped out of the bushes and shouted: "There is no Almighty. I bought those groceries!"

Mrs. Smith threw her arms into the air and shouted: "Praise the Almighty! He has provided groceries for me and made the Devil pay for it!!!"

Funny jokes-A pill a day

Paul had been to the doctor's and when he returned home, his wife Rita noticed he looked depressed.

Rita asked, "Hey, what's the problem? What did the Doctor say?"

Paul answered, "Dr. Mathews told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life."

Rita commented, "That's not a big deal. Lots of people take medicines every day of their lives."

Paul said in an irritated tone, "I know, I know....but he only gave me five pills!"

Morning news at Training camp

In an army training camp, the drill sergeant made his morning announcement to the fresh recruits: "Today, gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news to share with you. First, the good news- Private Brian will be setting the pace on our morning run.”

Hearing this, the platoon cheered, as Private Brian was overweight and very slow. But then the drill sergeant finished his statement: "Now for the bad news. Private Brian will be driving a truck."

Keep it simple

Three cobblers arrived in a town to try their luck and opened shop in the same lane.

John, the first cobbler, put a notice outside his door, “The best cobbler in the city”.

Not to be outdone, the second cobbler, Danny, hung a bigger notice that said,“The best cobbler in the world.”

The third cobbler, Michael, was wondering what to do and how to beat the best cobbler in the city and the best cobbler in the world.

An idea struck him. The next morning, he found quite a few customers waiting when he opened his shop. The notice on his door simply said, “The best cobbler in the lane.”

The firecracker factory explosion

A firecracker factory is rocked by a huge explosion, and several people are injured. The injured are taken to the hospital, but not everyone survives.

An inquiry begins and several survivors are approached to make statements.

One such survivor, Sven, is asked by the investigator, "You were close to where the explosion happened, right? Tell me about it."

Sven replied, "Well, old Felix was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up."

The investigator is shocked. He says, "You sure he was smoking in the mixing room? How long had he been working for the company?"

Sven replied, "Yes. About 25 years, sir"

The investigator says, "He works 25 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done."

"It was, sir."

Really funny jokes-A philosopher's dream

A philosopher once had the following dream.

First Aristotle appeared, and the philosopher said to him, "Could you give me a fifteen-minute capsule sketch of your entire philosophy?" To the philosopher's surprise, Aristotle gave him an excellent exposition in which he compressed an enormous amount of material into a mere fifteen minutes. But then the philosopher raised a certain objection which Aristotle couldn't answer. Confounded, Aristotle disappeared.

Then Plato appeared. The same thing happened again, and the philosophers' objection to Plato was the same as his objection to Aristotle. Plato also couldn't answer it and disappeared.

Then all the famous philosophers of history appeared one-by-one and our philosopher refuted every one with the same objection.

After the last philosopher vanished, our philosopher said to himself, "I know I'm asleep and dreaming all this. Yet I've found a universal refutation for all philosophical systems! Tomorrow when I wake up, I will probably have forgotten it, and the world will really miss something!" With an iron effort, the philosopher forced himself to wake up, rush over to his desk, and write down his universal refutation. Then he jumped back into bed with a sigh of relief.

The next morning when he awoke, he went over to the desk to see what he had written. It was, "That's what you say."

Wife renovating house

Gary asks his neighbor, "What should I do while my wife is renovating the house?"

The neighbor answers, "Keep yourself busy. If you are able to work with tools, you can complete the basement. When you're done, you'll at least have a place to live."

Free your mind

Adam, a Jewish rabbi was good friends with Daniel, a Catholic priest. They spent many a afternoon in the park, watching the ducks play in the pond. On one such outing, Daniel was eating a ham sandwich.

"You know," he said to his Jewish friend, "there's nothing as tasty as a ham sandwich. I know you're not allowed to eat ham, but why are you denying yourself this delicious treat. When will you free your mind and try it?"

Adam, the rabbi simply replied, "At your engagement."

Won't let it happen again!

Sita's funeral was attended by family and a number of friends. When the funeral service ended, the pallbearers carried the coffin out. They accidentally banged the coffin into a wall and heard a faint moan coming from within the coffin. They opened the coffin and lo and behold, Sita was alive!

Eleven years later, Sita actually dies. The service is again held at the same place and at the end of the ceremony, the pallbearers again life the casket.

As they are taking a bend, Joe, the husband yells, "Mind the wall!"

Class discipline

Bernie, who was a school teacher by profession, injured his spine in an accident and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. He wore a cotton shirt over it and it was not evident at all.

As the new term began, he was assigned to a senior class with the rowdiest students in school.

Walking confidently into the classroom, with the cast still under his shirt, Bernie opened the window wide and then got busy with some desk work. There was a strong breeze that made his tie flap, so Bernie simply picked up the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

The whole class of trouble-makers went silent.
Bernie had no problems with discipline in that term.