Strategy for survival

Ronald Gabriel was known for his love for golf. How good he was at the sport is another story.

Once while playing, the golf ball landed on an ant-hill. Ronald swung at the ball sitting on the ant-hill. One could see an explosion of mud and ants flying in the air. Everything seemed to have moved but not the golf ball which had not budged from its place.

So Ronald gave it another try and again mud & ants flew in all directions but the golf ball remained where it was.

Two ants, Rub & Dub, who had survived the assault were discussing their strategy for survival.

Rub asked, "What do you think should we do?"

Dub replied, "The only sensible thing to do is to get on the ball as as soon as possible."

Neil's letter

When my 5 year old son Neil was scribbling something on a notepad, I asked him teasingly, "Are you writing a letter to God?"

Neil replied, "No. I am writing a letter to myself."

I asked, "All right. What are you writing to yourself?"

Neil replied, "There's no way to know. I have not received the letter yet."

Understanding gadgets

Dora had always been scared of technology and was never good with gadgets. She had a talent for mixing up instructions. Within a week of her marriage, her hubby bought her a brand new state-of-the-art automatic coffee maker.

The salesman explained in details how that thing worked. Plugging it in - setting the timer. He explained to her that she can go back to bed and when she wakes up, the coffee is ready for her.

A couple of days later, Dora went to visit the store. When the salesman asked her how was the coffee maker working, Dora replied, "Oh, it's great! But there's one thing that I always wanted to ask you. Why do I have to go to sleep every time I want to make some coffee for my husband and me?”

Be polite!

When I took my son Neel to a restaurant to have pizza, I could see how impatient he was getting waiting for the pizza to arrive.

When the waiter finally served the pizza, Neel quickly took the bigger piece for himself.

I thought I needed to talk to him, and said, "Neel, you gotta learn to be polite."

"Huh", said Neel, "What was that about?"

"You know what I am talking about", I said.

"Ok" said Neel. "If you had to pick up first, which one would you take?"

I replied, "The smaller one, of course."

Neel shot back, "You want the smaller one, you get the smaller one. So where is the problem?"

A rainy night

Anita is invited to her friend's place for dinner. Judy, the hostess, serves her a delicious dinner. Later, when Anita is ready to leave, it starts raining heavily. Judy invites her to stay over for the night and go home when the weather clears th next day. Anita agrees.

Anita settles down to watch TV while Judy goes up into the bedroom to help her kid go to sleep.

When Judy comes down, she finds Anita missing. While she was wondering where Anita had gone, the  doorbell rings. Its Anita at the door. Judy asks her blonde friend where she had been. Anita replies, "I went home to get my nightwear."

Lost trekker

Stan, a trekking enthusiast, was on one of his trek trips when he realized he was lost. There was fog all around and visibility was poor. He kept wandering for 4 days and almost losing his mind, when the fog
receded, and he noticed a man in the distance. Hopes regained, he ran to the man and cried, "Help!"

The man asked him, "What happened?"

Stan replied, "I am lost! I have been wandering for the past 4 days without food and water."

The man asked him, "Is there a reward for you?"

Stan thought and replied, "I don't think so? Why?"

"Well, if that be the case, you are still lost!" replied the man, and disappeared into the fog.

Dad's profession

My friend Sara was teaching her 3 year old son about various professions.

She asked little Roy, "What does a tailor do?"

Roy replied, "A tailor makes clothes."

Sara then asked him, "What does the milkman do?"

Roy replied, "He delivers milk."

She then asked, "Okay, what does your Dad do?"

Roy, knowing that his father was in the Air Force, replied, "He flashes his card wherever he goes."

Strange compliment

I was seated on a park bench, when an old lady who came and sat next to me, smiled and said, "You are very pretty."

I must have had a disbelieving expression on my face, because she was quick to assure me that she had given a sincere compliment.

I tried to explain to her by saying, "It's just that I hardly ever get to hear pleasant comments about my looks."

The old lady smiled and said,  "Just because you are plump does not mean you aren't pretty."

Problem with Peter

When Peter went to see his doctor, he had a radish stuck in his left ear, a carrot in his right ear, and a lady finger stuck in each of the nostrils.

The doctor, visibly shocked asked him, "What is this?"

Pater replied, "Doctor, I am not feeling too well, can you tell me what's the problem with me?"

The doctor sighed and replied, "To begin with, you are not eating properly."

FYF

The topic of the Sunday sermon was "FYF", short for Forgive Your Foes. Preacher James Asher, after having spoken on the subject for nearly an hour, asked the congregation, "So how many of you present here are  prepared to forgive your foes?"

Some people raised their hands. Not happy with the poor response, Preacher James preached some more and then repeated the question to the gathering. This time, many more people raised their hands.

Still not satisfied, Preacher James prolonged his sermon a little more and repeated the question once again. Almost everyone raised their hands this time, except for a grumpy little old man.

Preacher James asked the little man, "Mr. Walker, are you still not ready to forgive your foes?"

Mr. Walker replied, "I ain't got any."

Preacher James said, "That's strange. How old are you?"

Mr. Walker replied, "I am eighty-eight."

Preacher James said, "Mr. Walker, please come here on the podium and tell the gathering how one can get to the age of eighty-eight without having any foes."

Mr. Walker walked up to where Preacher James was standing, and said to the crowd, "Didn't have to do anything. I just outlived those jokers."

Where do you want to go?

My friend Danny once got into the back of a cab.

The cab driver asked, "Where do you want to go?"

Danny replied, "I want to go to the Metro station, but I want to sit here for a couple of minutes first."

"Okay", said the cab driver with a shrug.

When the rain stopped after 10 minutes, Danny just got of the cab and said to the cabby, "Thanks for that, buddy!"

The dead Sparrow

My friend Jason had taken his 5 year old daughter, Susie to the garden. Jason was sitting on a park bench watching Susie play with a ball. Suddenly, she stopped playing, and looked at something intently. Then she came running to Jason and said, "Come Daddy, I want to show you something."

She lead him to a tree near which a sparrow lay dead. Suzie asked him, "What happened to the sparrow?"

Jason replied, "The sparrow died and went to Heaven."

Susie said, "Oh! So why did God throw it back to Earth?"

Vet dilemma

Mary took her husband Pat to a veterinary doctor. She said to the Vet, "Doctor, my husband is unwell. I want you to treat him."

The Vet said to Mary, "But I am animal doctor. I do not treat humans."

Mary said, "The reason I got him here is that he kicks like a donkey in his sleep!"

A good sermon

Pastor John Warren closed his eyes for 2 minutes and bowed his head, before he left for the church to deliver his sermon.

His little son, Jeremy, who always observed him do so many times, asked him one day, "Why do you do that Dad?"

Pastor John was happy to see that his son noticed his gestures and said, "Before I leave for church, I ask God to help me preach a good sermon."

Jeremy said innocently, "So why doesn't He do it?"

Pumpkin joke-The solution that didn't work

Farmer Nick was upset because the kids in his village would often steal pumpkins from his farm. The kids would often be seen eating the pumpkin in the village square

but there was no way to prove that the pumpkins they were relishing were from farmer Nick's farm.

One day, a smart idea stuck him and he placed a sign on the scarecrow which read, "Be warned, there is one pumpkin here which is laced with poison!"

The street urchins showed up at night to steal more pumpkins but stopped short when they read the sign on the scarecrow. They ran away and came back with a sign written in bold which they placed on top of the scarecrow.

The next morning, farmer Nick inspected the fields and noticed all pumpkins were in place. Then he chanced upon the sign the urchins had placed. It read, "Now there are THREE!"

Family phone

Felix was not happy with his 12 year old daughter Tia, spending all her time on the landline phone. Because of her, nobody could use the house phone. So he bought her a mobile phone to keep her away from the house phone.

Next day, when he came back from work, he found Tia sprawled on the couch and gossiping on the house phone.

Angered, Felix shouted at her, "Why don't you use the mobile phone I bought you?"

"Oh I can't do that," Tia replied, "I'm expecting an important call on my cellphone."

A joke on musicians

At the Gates of Heaven, all entrants were being checked to confirm their identity before they were let in.

The angel asked the first man in line, who was a tycoon from Chicago."What have you achieved in your life?"

The tycoon replied, "I made it big in the steel business. I didn't keep everything to myself. I distributed my money among my entire family, so the next 4 generations will not have to worry."

The angel invited him in.

He asked the next man in line about his achievements.

It was a stock broker from New York. He said, "I made millions at NYSE. But I was not selfish like the Chicago guy to keep all my wealth in the family. I donated a few millions to orphanages around the world."

"That's good" said the angel and invited him in.

The next man in line was trying not to make eye contact. When the angel asked him, he replied, "I made only seven thousand dollars in my whole life."

"Good Lord", said the angel. "Which instrument did you play?"

Dress code

Nancy was employed in the Human Resources department of a large multinational. Having graduated recently from college, her job was to impart training to employees in corporate dress code and conduct.

She was stepping into the elevator one day when a man sporting a french beard, and dressed casually in cargoes and t-shirt, entered with her.

Reminded of her responsibilities, Nancy taunted, "Dressed a little too casually for a Thursday, aren't we?"

The man with the french beard replied, "Just one of the perks of owing the company!"

Poor memory

Lisa asked her husband Jack, "Do you know who scored the maximum goals in the 1990 Football World cup?"

Jack replied, "Yes, it was Salvatore Schillaci of Italy.6 goals.Why did you ask?"

Lisa says, "And you didn't remember our marriage anniversary was yesterday!!!"

Later, Jack says to his friends at the bar, "I couldn't even tell her I suffer from a poor memory!"

Lottery money

China's premier TV channel was interviewing a farmer called Chang who had just won a big lottery. The channel representative said to Chang, "Congrats on wining RMB 1 million. How do you plan to spend the money?"

Chang replies, "I will just continue to be a farmer until all the lottery money is gone."