Funny jokes-Guitar and tuna fish

Q: What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?

A: You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.

Clean jokes-Golf pro

A golf pro dragged himself into the clubhouse looking as though he'd just escaped a tornado.

"What's wrong?" a woman asked.

"I just lost a game to Houlihan," the pro said.

"What? But Houlihan's the worst player I've ever seen. How could he have beaten you?"

"He tricked me," the pro said. "On the first tee, he asked for a handicap. I told him he could have 30, 40, 50 strokes- any handicap he wanted.

He said, 'Just give me two gotchas."

"What's a gotcha?" asked the woman. "That's what I wanted to know," the pro said. "Houlihan said, 'You'll see.' Then, as I was teeing off, just as I had my club poised, he screamed out 'Gotcha!'"

"I can guess what happened," the woman said.

"Sure," the pro said. "The scream threw me off, and I missed the ball completely."

"Understandable," the woman said. "But still, that's only one swing. How did he win the game?"

The pro answered, "You try swinging at a golf ball all day while waiting for that second 'gotcha!'

Really funny jokes-Contacting a friend

Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies.

He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.

Abe says, "I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?"

Max replies, "Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news. The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!"

Abe says, "So what's the bad news?"

Max replies, "Well, you're booked to play the solo!"

One line jokes-Dry land

Don't count your fish until they're on dry land.

Insurance jokes-The drunk

The town lush drunkenly stumbles into a banquet hall when an insurance convention is taking place, ready to pick a fight. He shouts, "All insurance agents are thieves, and if you, (hiccup, got a problem with it ya ought to do something about it."

Instantly, a large man walks up to the lush, points a finger at him and says, "You take that back!"

The lush looks him in the eye and says, "Why, are you, (hiccup), some kind of agent?"

"Absolutely not” the man replies, "I'm a thief."

Animal jokes-Tom cat and Tabby cat

A tom cat and a tabby cat were courting on a back fence at night.

The tom leaned over to the tabby with pent up passion and purred... "I'll die for you!"

The tabby gazed at him from under lowered eye lids and asked, "How many times?"

Really funny jokes-What's for supper?

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. "I can't believe you're asking me about supper right now! Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself."

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?"

"Huh? I thought you were out of town."

Short funny jokes-No body

Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?

He had no body to go with!

Hilarious jokes-Before the cable guy comes

In my husband's work for a cable-television company, he encounters illegal hookups that drive up costs for other customers. One day he arrived at a repair job just as the homeowner was pulling into the driveway. She pointed the way to the den, where the TV was located, and then walked out to get the mail.

As my husband approached the TV, he saw a note taped to the screen. It read: "Don't forget to hide the descramblers before the cable guy comes. Love, Tom."

Funny jokes-Happy to close

Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?

A: Everyone is happy when the case is closed.

Good jokes-Technical support for assistance

After experiencing difficulties with his computer, a poor, incognizant user called the system maker's technical support line for assistance...

Technician: Hello. How can I help you today?

Customer: There's smoke coming from the power supply on my computer...

Technician: Looks like you need a new power supply...

Customer: No, I don't! I just need to change the startup files...

Technician: Sir, what you described is a faulty power supply. You need to replace it...

Customer: No way! Someone told me that I just had to change the system startup files to fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the right command...

For the next ten minutes, in spite of the technician's efforts to explain the problem and its solution, the customer adamantly insisted that he was right. So, in frustration, the technician responded...

Technician: I'm sorry. We don't normally tell our customers this, but there's an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem...

Customer: I knew it!

Technician: Just add the line 'LOAD NOSMOKE.EXE' at the end of the CONFIG.SYS file and everything should work fine. Let me know how it goes...

About ten minutes later, the technician received a call back from the customer...

Customer: It didn't work. The power supply is still smoking...

Technician: Well, what version of DOS are you using?

Customer: MS-DOS 6.22...

Technician: Well, that's your problem. That version of DOS doesn't include NOSMOKE. You'll need to contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch. Let me know how it all works out...

When nearly an hour had passed, the phone rang again...

Customer: I need a new power supply...

Technician: How did you come to that conclusion?

Customer: Well, I called Microsoft and told the technician what you said, and he started asking me questions about the make of the power supply...

Technician: What did he tell you?

Customer: He said my power supply isn't compatible with NOSMOKE...

Really funny jokes-The guillotine

The authorities were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he meets his fate.

The priest said that he would like to face up so that he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. So, they raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

The authorities take this as divine intervention and release the priest.

Next the drunkard comes to the guillotine. He also decides to die face up hoping that he will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, release it and it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck.

So, the authorities release the drunkard as well.

Next is the engineer. He also decides to die facing up. They slowly raise the blade of the guillotine when suddenly the engineer shouts, "WAIT!!!… I think the problem is right there where the cable is binding!!!"

Short humor jokes-Vampires

What do vampires have at eleven o'clock every day?

A coffin break!

Hilarious jokes-Sympathizers

Q: What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?

A: Terrorists have sympathizers.

Funny jokes-Computer Heaven and Hell

In Computer Heaven:

The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.


In Computer Hell:

The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.

Cannibal jokes-Mike Tyson

Why didn't the cannibal eat Mike Tyson?

He thought he would give him a paunch!

Really funny jokes-If Life were like a Computer

If Life Were Like A Computer:

You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel.

You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it!

You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings.

You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy.

You could click on “find” (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys.

To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"!

If you mess up your life, you could always press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over!

One line jokes-Professional football

Any sports fan can tell you the most brutal thing about professional football is the price of the tickets.

Good jokes-Better programmer

Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.

They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up the screen.

Seconds before the end, a bolt of lightning struck taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.

Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.

Satan is astonished. He stutters, "But how?! I lost everything, yet
Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?!"

God chuckles, "Jesus saves."

Short funny jokes-Violin and Viola

Q: What is the difference between a violin and a viola?
A: A viola burns longer.

Q: Why does a viola burn longer than a violin?
A: It is usually still in the case.

Hilarious jokes-Wassup

Three kids were walking down a road in the countryside.

You could clearly make out how much they were influenced by chat/SMS lingo when they passed a stray dog and one of them asked it, "Wassup?"

As the other two smiled, he answered for the dog, "NM*," and they continued walking.

When they reached the next dog, he again said, "Wassup," and also supplied the answering, "NM."

By the time he did this with the fourth dog, his friends were openly sniggering.

But when he passed over the fifth dog to go "Wassup?" at the sixth, they pulled his elbow and asked him why he'd left the previous one out.

"Oh," he shrugged, "that one is offline."

Really funny jokes-Violin lessons

"Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the defendant.

"You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin lessons last winter."

"Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!"

Clean jokes-Windows

Tech Support: "Do you have any windows open right now?"

Customer: "Are you crazy woman, it's twenty below outside!"

Funny jokes-New Beer

A beer company decided to make a new beer, very modern and non-traditional. They looked at all the ingredients, and decided to keep with malted barley and water, but do

away with hops, because the hops they used were very bitter.

The new beer proved to be much healthier, and they were confident that they had a winner on their hands.

However, after the new beer launched, it completely bombed in the market.

Why?

Customers said it was completely hopless.

Adult jokes-Run away

Why did the little Greek boy run away from home?

He didn’t like the way he was being reared.

Really funny jokes-The Family Feud

Here are some actual answers from contestants who have appeared on the game show
Family Feud (Family Fortunes in the UK):

Name something a blind person might use: a sword

Name a song with moon in the title: blue suede moon

Name a bird with a long neck: a penguin

Name an occupation where you need a torch: a burglar

Name a famous brother and sister: Bonnie and Clyde

Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers: a horse

Name something that floats in the bath: water

Name something you wear on the beach: a deck chair

Name something red: my cardigan

Name a famous cowboy: Buck Rogers

Name a famous royal: mail

Name a number you have to memorize: 7

Name something you do before going to bed: sleep

Name something you put on walls: roofs

Name something in the garden that's green: a scarecrow

Name something that flies that doesn't have an engine: dishes

Name something you might be allergic to: skiing

Name a famous bridge: the bridge over troubled waters

Name something a cat does: goes to the toilet

Name a continent: Italy

Name something you do in the bathroom: decorate

Name an animal you might see at the zoo: a dog

Name something slippery: a con man

Name a kind of ache: a pancake

Name a food that can be brown or white: potato

Name a potato topping: jam

Name a famous Scotsman: Jock

Another famous Scotsman: Vinnie Jones

Name something with a hole in it: window

Name a non-living object with legs: plant

Name a domestic animal: leopard

Name a part of the body beginning with 'N': knee

Name a way of cooking fish: cod

Name something you clean: your sis

One line jokes-Hardened

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Hilarious jokes-What is generation Y?

What is generation Y?

- People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation.

- The Baby Boomers, are people born between 1946 and 1959.

- Generation X, people born between 1960 and 1979.

- Generation Y, are the people born between 1980 and 2011

Why do we call the last group Generation Y?

Recently a cartoonist explained it very eloquently below...

And I always thought it was because they say...

Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?

Funny jokes-Tombstone Epitaphs

In a London, England cemetery:

Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767

Really funny jokes-Insurance policy for Car

The man wanted to buy some insurance for his car, so he went to the insurance company and asked for the list.

First there was anti-fire, which has a $200 premium. Then, there was anti-theft, which had a $150 premium. At the end, he noticed that there was a anti-fire and anti-theft policy for only $50!

So, he asked the receptionist, 'Why in the world do you price the policy for two problems less than that for one problem?'

So, the receptionist replied, 'Because nobody steals a burnt car.'

One line jokes-For a run

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.

Funny jokes-Ways to spend the $250 million powerball jackpot

Some Ways To Spend The $250 Million Powerball Jackpot

-- A twinkie for everyone in the country.

-- Develop and market an action-figure doll of yourself.

-- Get yourself one a' them "Pentagon quality" toilet bowls.

-- Pay for a top-notch therapist to deal with the feeling that, compared to Bill Gates, you're still not rich.

-- At long last: a home-slurpee machine of your VERY OWN!

-- Four words: Prank call to Antarctica.

-- Goodbye aluminum siding: Hello golden siding.

-- Get it all in pennies and ride the horse in front of K-mart, FOREVER!

Redneck jokes-Fire in Library

Q: Did you hear about the fire in the rednecks library?

A: Both the books got burned, and one hadn't even been colored in yet.

Really funny jokes-Man rules!

Man Rules

Finally , the guys' side of the story.

We always hear " the rules" from the female side....
Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note.. these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
( FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1.. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it , just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say, during commercials. .

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle..

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as Football or Hockey.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

Finance jokes-Stock analysts

Q: Why did God create stock analysts ?

A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.

Really funny jokes-Sam and Abe

Sam and Abe, now in their eighties, first met in grade school. Their relationship now is playing cards, playing jokes and making bets.

One day Sam calls Abe and says, "I bet you that mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars..."

Abe replies, "How can that be? If you know anything about biology you...."

Sam interrupts, "I called for a bet, not a lecture. Mine is longer soft than yours is hard. A thousand dollars... YES OR NO?"

Abe says, "OK, OK. I'll take that bet. How long is yours soft?"

Sam answers, "Eleven years!"

One line jokes-Raising teenagers

Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-o to a tree.

Good jokes-Reason for having two wives

THE REASON FOR HAVING TWO WIVES

Monopoly is always damaging

&

Competition improves service

Yo Mama-So Greasy

Yo mama's so greasy, she sweats Crisco.
Yo mama's so greasy, she sweats butter and syrup and has a full time job at Denny's wiping pancakes across her forehead.
Yo mama's so greasy, she squeezes Crisco from her hair to bake cookies.
Yo mama's so greasy, she's labeled as an ingredient in Crisco.
Yo mama's so greasy, if Crisco had a football team, she'd be the mascot.
Yo mama's so greasy, she uses bacon as a band aid.
Yo mama's so greasy, when she slid into second she ended in Detroit.
Yo mama's so greasy, Texaco buys oil from her.
Yo mama's so greasy, you could fry a chicken dinner for 12 on her forehead.
Yo mama's so greasy, I buttered my popcorn with her leg hairs.
Yo mama's so greasy, her freckles slipped off.

Really funny jokes-Math Proficiency exam

THE CITY OF LOS ANGELES HIGH SCHOOL MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM

NAME ____________________

GANG NAME _________________

TAG ____________________

HOOD ____________________


1). Little Johnny has an AK 47 with a 30 round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Little Johnny attempt before he has to reload?

2). Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3). Rufus pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Rufus's $800 per day crack habit?

4). Jerome wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounces will he need?

5). Willie gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4's, how many more Corvettes must he have to steal to have $900?

6). Raoul got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?

Extra credit bonus: How much more time will he get for killing the ho that spent his money?

7). If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 eight ounce cans of spray paint with 20% paint free?

8). Hector knocked up 3 girls in the gang. There are 27 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Hector knocked up?

9). Bernie is a lookout for the gang. Bernie has a boa constrictor that eats 3 small rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If Bernie makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can he feed the boa on one week's income?

10). Billy steals Joe's skateboard. As Billy skates away at 35 mph, Joe loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes Joe 20 seconds to load his magnum, how far away will Billy be when he gets whacked?

Animal jokes-Nuts

Why does a squirrel swim on its back?

To keep its nuts dry

Funny jokes-LSD and Birth control

Q: What do you get when you cross LSD with birth control?

A: A trip without the kids.

Blonde jokes-Limo

What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?

Not everybody has been in a limo.

Really funny jokes-All my intellegence

A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

The father replied, "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine."

One line jokes-Learning to speak Spanish

I'm learning to speak Spanish by calling my bank and pressing the #2 button.

Funny jokes-Survey

Really funny jokes-Traffic summons

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the next day and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query roared, "Twenty dollars contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

Animal jokes-Pit bull

A dog owner had a pit bull that hated to walk. He kept sitting down and bracing his feet so that his owner would have to drag him by his leash.....the owner finally gave up when he realized that he was creating a bottomless pit!

Good jokes-Terms to know

TRAFFIC LIGHT -- apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.

DIVORCE -- postgraduate in School of Love.

PIONEER -- early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.

PEOPLE -- some make things happen, some watch things happen, and the majority has no idea what's happened.

SWIMMING POOL -- a mob of people with water in it.

SELF-CONTROL -- the ability to eat only one peanut.

SALESMAN -- man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.

CANNIBAL -- person who likes to see other people stewed.

EGOCENTRIC -- a person who believes he is everything you know you are.

FOREIGN FILM -- any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.

OPTIMIST -- girl who regards a bulge as a curve.

MAGAZINE -- bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in the next issue.

COLLEGE -- The four-year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.

EMERGENCY NUMBERS -- Police station, fire department and places that deliver.

OPERA -- When a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding he sings.

BUFFET -- A French word that means "Get up and get it yourself."

BABY-SITTER -- A teen-ager who must behave like an adult so that the adults who are out can behave like teen-agers.

TATTOO -- Permanent proof of temporary insanity.

Funny jokes-Two muffins

Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Holy cow it's hot in here!"

The other muffin says, "Holy cow... A talking muffin!"

Insurance jokes-Financial Hardship

One day, an American insurance company received a letter from a lady saying that unfortunately they have to cancel her husband's life insurance policy.

'We always paid it in time', she wrote, 'but since my dear husband's sudden death last year we have had some financial hardship; therefore, we would like not to pay it anymore'.

Really funny jokes-Boyfriends named Leroy

Three ladies all have separate boyfriends named Leroy.

One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests, "Let's name our Leroys after a soda pop, because I'm tired of getting my Leroy mixed up with your Leroy, and her Leroy mixed up with your Leroy."

The other two ladies agree.

The first lady speaks out, "Okay then, I'm gonna name my Leroy 7-Up because he has 7 inches and it's always up!"

The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.

Then, the second lady says, "I'm gonna name my Leroy Mountain Dew because he can mount and do me any day of the week."

Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives.

The third lady then says, "You know, those two Leroys were good, but I'm gonna name my Leroy, Jack Daniels."

The other two ladies shout in unison, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda pop... that's a hard liquor!"

The third lady bursts out, "That's my Leroy!"

One line jokes-Egotists

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.