Hilarious jokes-Multiple

Mary: I knew right away he was a loser.

Jill: How did you know so fast?

Mary: He said he could give me "multiple organisms."

Christmas jokes-Santa, a Man or Woman?

Christmas has to be a warm, well organised, caring, considerate, social occasion. So, it's unlikely that a man could take responsibility for making it happen.

For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about Christmas until Christmas Eve. And when they do eventually rush into the high street at the latest possible moment, they seem genuinely surprised to discover that the only options remaining on the shelves are cheap perfume and lingerie suitable for high class tarts.

Let's face it, Santa Claus must be a woman. If Santa was a man, all there would be under the Christmas tree are high tech' toys .... still in the original wrappings, of course.

Another flaw in the 'he-Santa' argument is his apparent ability to arrive promptly every Christmas Eve. If Santa was a man, he could be relied upon to have transportation problems, get lost in all the snow and clouds and flatly refuse to ask anyone for directions.

There are lots of other reasons why Santa can't be a man:

Men have no idea about packing bags.

Men would rather be dead than wear red velvet.

Men have no interest in stockings, unless they are being worn by an attractive female.

But, the real show-stopper is, most men simply can't do commitment.

Adult jokes | Divorced

A couple had been divorced for about 6 months, but still remained good friends. This worked out pretty good since the both lived in the same apartment building. One day he slipped on the ice and broke his arm. Later he met his ex-wife in the elevator and she asked if there was anything she could do to help. He responded, "Well yes, if it's not to much trouble, could you help me take a bath?" She readily agreed and soon after she began washing him she saw a gradual erection began to appear. "Look John", she exclaimed happily "It still recognizes me!!!"

Really funny jokes-Bad Combinations

Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 60, WAY over 60, or hovering near 60) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker

And last, but not least . . my personal favorite:

13. Thongs and Depends.

Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

Little Johnny jokes-A Horse auction

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."

Christmas jokes-Puppy

Letters to Santa

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging thing may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa**

Computer programmer jokes - Wish

A programmer is walking along a road and suddenly finds a lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. “I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish, but only one wish.”
The programmer pulls out a map, points to it and says, “I’d want peace in the Middle East.”
The genie responds, “See, I don’t know. Those people have been fighting for millennium. I can do just about anything, but this is likely beyond my limits.”
The programmer then says, “Well, I am a programmer, and my programs have lots of users. Please make all my users satisfied with my software and let them ask for sensible changes.”
At which point the genie responds, “Um, let me see that map again.”

Christmas jokes-Gullible

Letters to Santa

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.
Santa

Really funny jokes-Shopping for Bra

Mary: I went shopping for bras this weekend. How depressing! I wanted one with good support.

Jill: Have you tried under wire?

Mary: Yes, Ma'am! Unfortunately, I have graduated to steel girders!

Christmas jokes-For lunch

What do snowmen eat for lunch?

Icebergers!

Adult jokes-Shaking hands

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook.
The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."

The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

Really funny jokes-The Idiot's Guide to Internet success!

The Idiot's Guide To Internet Success!

Let's begin (Please take note of the sarcasm in these):

Q: How long will it take me to get insanely rich?

A: Depends on you. Probably two weeks. Some people take as long as a month.

Q: Does it take hard work or long hours to get insanely rich?

A: No. This is the Internet.

Q: Can just anybody get insanely rich?

A: Yes. This is the Internet.

Q: How do I proceed?

A: As you're surfing around the net you'll see banners and links that say things like "Make Fourteen Million Dollars in Ninety Days, Click Here to See How!" Simply click the link to get started.

Q: It won't really take ninety days though, will it?

A: Of course not. They just say that so you'll be pleasantly surprised and so it doesn't sound like hype.

Q: Okay, I've found one that says "Retire to Your Own Caribbean Isle in One Month!" Is that good?

A: Perfect.

Q: What does MLM mean?

A: Nobody really knows. Morons Lose Money has been snidely suggested by the little-brains.

Q: I signed up and now I sell low phone rates. They say it's the easiest thing to sell because everyone uses a phone. And since it's MLM, by the time my third level is operating I'll be making $345,915.45 per week.

A: Conservatively.

Q: They say the first step is to get my mother into the program. Why is my sponsor happy that Mom has Alzheimers?

A: Your sponsor is a shrewd business person. People with any sort of memory disorder make the best targ... uh, clients. You can switch your mother's long distance carrier for her, and then start calling the other members of her support group.

Q: That sounds a little fishy.

A: The ends justify the means. You are offering people substantial savings on long distance. It's for their own good.

Q: How else can I get new business?

A: Spam. Spam. Spam.

Q: I thought spam was bad.

A: No, spam is good. Anyone who says it's bad is just jealous because their brains are too small.

Q: But won't I lose my web host and ISP?

A: In the get-rich-quick business, it's important to cultivate a zen-like non-attachment to service providers.

Q: What else can I do to promote my new business?

A: Here's a list of suggestions:

--Sign up with a free website provider and fill your site with zany colors and flashy banners.

--Join every free banner exchange.

--Get your own free-for-all links page.

--Join every opt-in email list with the word Money, Rich or Lackwit in the title.

--Buy software that submits your site URL to the 15,000 most important search engines. --Buy software that submits your ad to the 50,000 most-read free classified sites.

--Hire a bulk emailer.

--Sponsor a golf tournament.

Q: Okay, I've done all that and I'm still not rich. I haven't even driven my hit counter to its knees yet. What am I doing wrong?

A: It's possible that you're not very bright. Consult one of your friends who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I don't have any friends who have retired on their Internet earnings?

A: Then contact someone on the Internet who has retired on their Internet earnings.

Q: What if I've never heard of anyone retiring from their Internet earnings?

A: Well, then maybe you can be the first.

Really funny jokes-Things a Southerner would never say

Things A Southerner Would Never Say:

1. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen.
2. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
3. Duct tape won't fix that.
4. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
5. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
6. We don't keep firearms in this house.
7. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
8. You can't feed that to the dog.
9. I thought Graceland was tacky.
10. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
11. Wrasslin's fake.
12. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
13. We're vegetarians.
14. Do you think my gut is too big?
15. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
16. Honey, we don't need another dog.
17. Who's Richard Petty?
18. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
19. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
20. Spittin is such a nasty habit.

Christmas jokes-Top 10 ways to confuse Santa Claus

Top 10 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus on Christmas

10. Instead of milk and cookies leave Santa a Weight Watchers bar and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds!

9. While Santa’s in the house... go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket!

8. While Santa’s in the house... replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to fly!

7. Keep a bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big fat Santa suit!!

6. Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wants to remind him to pick up a loaf of bread on his way home.

5. Take everything out of your house as if it has just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well, well… They always return to the scene of the crime"

4. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute corrections.

3. Leave out a Santa suit with a dry-cleaning bill.

2. Instead of Christmas ornaments decorate your tree with pumpkins!

1. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa Claus to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us buddy!!"

Animal jokes-Repellent

A couple moved to the country side for their retirement living thinking they were going to live in midst of free animals.

One mild winter, they had a bit of a problem with rodents in the garage. So they bought one of those little sub-sonic mouse repellent from city, the kind you plug in and they emit some kind of ultrasonic sound that drives off mice.

The husband was showing it to their neighbor and explaining that it was an animal repellent. He told her that it worked on every thing from mice to elephants.

"Really!?" she said, "Mice to elephants, eh." sounding a bit skeptical.

"Yes," he replied, seriously. "We've had it here for a couple of weeks now and we haven't had a single elephant in the garage the whole time!"

Christmas jokes-Snowman and Shark

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a shark?

Frostbite!

Really funny jokes-Inherit farm

A dying granny was talking to her granddaughter: "I may die any moment so I want you to inherit my farm including the villa, the tractor, the farmhouse & all the livestock."

"Wow!!!!" said the granddaughter, "Thanks granny, I didn't know you even had a farm & all this wealth! Where is it? "

.

.

.

Grandma replies: On 'Facebook'

Christmas jokes-Peace on Earth

Letters to Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

Good jokes-Alzheimer's Test

Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words?

1. BOO_S

2 . _ _NDOM

3 . F_ _K

4 . P_N_S

5 . PU_S_

6 . S_X

.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.


Answers:

1. BOOKS

2 . RANDOM

3 . FORK

4 . PANTS

5 . PULSE

6 . SIX


You got all 6 wrong ....didn't you?
Congratulation! You do NOT have an Alzheimer Problem. You have another problem!!

Christmas jokes-Angel on top of the Christmas tree

Many have asked, “What is the reason for the angel on top of the Christmas tree?”

Once upon a time Santa was rushed to get ready for Christmas. He had told Mrs. Claus to wake him at 5 a.m. and to have his breakfast ready with a lunch to bring along. He also told the elves to have all the Christmas presents packed in the sleigh and the reindeer harnessed by 5:30.

At 5:30 the following morning Santa Claus awoke and jumped out of bed furious with Mrs. Claus for NOT waking him up on time! Santa’s mood only got worse when he realized Mrs. Claus had NOT fixed breakfast or lunch!! Santa then ran out to his sleigh only to see that the elves had NO presents packed and the reindeer were running wild in the pasture!!!

About this time a little angel walked by dragging a large Christmas tree. Santa tried to ignore since he wasn’t his jolly old self.

But, the angel spoke up and said, "Santa what should I do with this Christmas tree?"

And that is the reason for the angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Funny jokes-Something for the house

Wife: Okay, today's Friday. Where's your pay envelope?

Man: I already spent all my pay. I bought something for the house.

Wife: What? What could you buy for the house that cost $480?

Man: Eight rounds of drinks.

Christmas jokes-Elves

Q. Why does Santa use Elves?

A. There is no trade union for Elves. They're easy to exploit.

Really funny jokes-Baby mosquito

Baby mosquito came back after flying for the first time.
His mom asked him "How do you feel?"
He replied "It was wonderful, Everyone was clapping for me!"
Now that's what is a Positive Attitude!!

Redneck jokes-Do it for your country

Redneck Motto:
Drink until she's beautiful, but if that doesn't work, put a flag over her head and do it for your country.

Christmas jokes-Pop

What did the big cracker say to the little cracker ?

My pop is bigger than yours !

Hilarious jokes-Noise in the engine

Taxiing down the runway, the passenger jet abruptly came to a stop, turned around and returned to the gate. Eventually however, after an hour-long wait, the flight finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant.

“I hope it’s all sorted now.” Replied the nervous passenger.

"Oh yes, it’s fine now Sir, it just took us a while to find a new pilot."

Christmas jokes-Never hungry

Who is never hungry at Christmas ?

The turkey - he's always stuffed !

Short funny jokes-Deja Moo

'Deja Moo': The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Really funny jokes-Match maker

The matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her. "I'm ashamed to bring this up," he said, "but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, a sample."

The woman was shocked. "Such a thing you ask a Christian virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman."

The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said, "He's a pragmatic, man. After all, to him it's not a big deal... just a sample."

She thought a minute. "A pragmatic man, is he? So tell him I don't give samples. I can give him 50 or 60 references, if he wants, though.

Christmas jokes-Eat Decorations

Whats happens if you eat the Christmas decorations ?

You get tinsel-itus !

Funny one liners-New missile

Britain has invented a new missile. It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.

Practical jokes-Fun things to do at K-Mart

Practical jokes-Fun Things To Do At K-Mart (Or Wal-Mart)

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Start playing Calvin ball; see how many people you can get to join in.

5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Leave cryptic messages on the computers.

8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this junk, anyway?"

15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.

16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."

17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

20. Put M&Ms on layaway.

21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Bat-cave!"

Yo mama jokes-Rocked herself

Yo' momma's so fat, she fell out of bed one night and rocked herself to sleep trying to get back up.

Really funny jokes-London fire

In a run-down part of East London a fire destroyed a dilapidated four-storey house that had been divided into four flats.

A Nigerian family of six Internet con artists and full time benefit cheats lived on the first floor...all six tragically perished in the fire.

A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the country, lived on the second floor...they too, all perished in the fire.

Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum and living off the state for free, occupied the 3rd floor...they too, died.

But the middle aged Muhindi couple from Kenya who lived on the top floor miraculously survived the fire.

The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the situation. Why was just the Muhindi couple from Kenya saved? It was monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still existed in all areas of public service - questions were raised in the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and within hours it was national and indeed international news.

Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he expected their initial assessment to be available within the next 36 hours – so perhaps it would be best to let the experts gather the evidence and report back before he commented any further.

The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East London community!

A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together with the Home Secretary drove to the area, having demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.

On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the Muhindi couple from Kenya lived.


One bemused chief fire officer quietly replied,


"Because they were both at work."

Adult jokes-Pulled a muscle

Two old men sat on a bench outside a nursing home having a chat.

"How are you, Richard?" asked George.

"I'm not feeling too good today, I'm utterly exhausted," replied Richard.

"I've pulled a muscle and it's killing me."

"I'm surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired," said George.

Richard yawned and said: "Well it does if you pull it a hundred times in one night"!

Good jokes-Pet fish

A man was stopped by a game warden in Northern Minnesota recently with two buckets of fish leaving a lake well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied to the game warden, "No, sir. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?!" the warden replied.

"Yes, sir. Every night I take these fish down to the lake and let them swim around for a while. I whistle and they jump back into their buckets, and I take em home."

"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment, and then said, "Here, I'll show you. It really works."

"O.K. I've GOT to see this!" the game warden replied.

The man poured the fish in to the water and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" the man asked.

"When are you going to call them back?" the game warden prompted.

"Call who back?" the man asked.

"The FISH."

"What fish?" the man asked.

Really funny jokes-Jury Selection

The tiresome jury selection process continued, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors. Don O'Brian was called for his question session.

"Property holder?"

"Yes, I am, Your Honor."

"Married or single?"

"Married for twenty years, Your Honor."

"Formed or expressed an opinion?"

"Not in twenty years, Your Honor."

Office jokes-Rolodex

I was addressing some mail when I noticed that my card file of frequently used addresses was missing. Thinking it must have fallen from my typing table into the wastebasket, I called the office janitor.

"I've lost my Rolodex," I told him. "It may have been picked up with the trash. Is there any way you could find it?"

He said he would conduct a search. When the janitor informed me he had searched every trash container for my Rolodex, with no luck, I thanked him for his trouble.

As I left work that evening, the janitor met me at the door. "Good night," he said smiling apologetically. "Sorry I couldn't find your watch."

Short funny jokes-Yo Mama

Yo' momma's so fat she went to a restaurant, looked at the menu, and just said "OK."

Kids jokes-Can't find it

Norman was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom.

So Norman raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused.

Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Norman to be quick.

Five minutes later Norman returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed.

"I can't find it," he admitted.

The teacher sat Norman down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now.

Norman looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.

Well, five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher "I can't find it".

Frustrated, the teacher asked Eddie, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.

So Eddie and Norman go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats.

The teacher asks Eddie "Well, did you find it ?"

Eddie is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards."

Really funny jokes-The Zen Of Consumer Guidance Labels

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids -LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.

12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE.

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS.

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS.

20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS.

21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY.

22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS.

Clean jokes-Thinking fast

Mr. Smith was a traveling salesman and frequent flyer, so he was always very, VERY careful to mark his luggage so that no one would mistakenly take his bags.

He always did this with bright ribbons and tape, so he was quite surprised to see his bags grabbed by a well dressed man when he got to the luggage carousel.

Mr. Smith walked over to the fellow and pointed out the colored ribbons tied to the handle, and the fluorescent tape on the sides.

"I believe that luggage is mine. Were your bags marked like this?", he asked.

"Actually", the man replied, "I was wondering who did this to my luggage."

Really funny jokes-Headstone

After his wife died, the uncle of one of my friends decided to plan ahead and order a grave-site marker for himself. A week or so later, he came home to find a message on his answering machine. It was from a young woman at the company where he’d placed his order.

“I don’t know if it’s good news or bad,” she said, “but your headstone is ready.”

Doctor jokes-Wierd dreams

Sophie went to see a psychiatrist about her husband.

"Doctor, My husband has this problem. Almost every night now he's dreaming he's a refrigerator!"

"My dear, that is not really a problem! A lot of people dream that they are somebody or something unusual..."

Sophie leans forward as she softly whispers this confidence: "But you see doctor it is also a problem for me! Jake sleeps with his mouth open and the light keeps me awake!"

Hilarious jokes-AIDS Warning !

Senior citizens are the nation's leading carriers of AIDS!


HEARING AIDS


BAND AIDS


GARDENING AIDS


WALKING AIDS


MEDICAL AIDS


GOVERNMENT AIDS


MOST OF ALL,


MONETARY AID TO THEIR KIDS!


Not forgetting HIV (Hair is Vanishing)


And


AIDS : Acute income deficiency syndrome

Birthday party jokes-To be around

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. " Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

Really funny jokes-GPS override

Friend #1: Are you visiting us tomorrow? Do you need directions?

Friend #2: I'm all set. I have the address, a GPS, and a GPS override.

Friend #1: What's a GPS override?

Friend #2: My wife

Good jokes-Sports Team Names

Top 20 Rejected International Sports Team Names:

20. Islamabad Beggars

19. Brussels Sprouts

18. Cannes Openers

17. Amsterdam Yankees

16. Vienna Sausages

15. Belgium Waffles

14. Manila Folders

13. Czech Bouncers

12. New Delhi Catessans

11. Buenos Airheads

10. Guadalajara Krishnas

9. Iraqi Raccoons

8. Bolivia DeHavillands

7. Seoul Brothers

6. Taipei Personalities

5. Syria Killers

4. Hungary Jacks

3. Dublin Mint Twins

2. Prague Tologists

1. Peking Toms

Funny jokes-Scenery

I was eavesdropping on two women sitting behind me on the bus when they started talking about a trip to Switzerland. The first passenger asked the second whether she had enjoyed the beautiful scenery.

"Not really," came the reply. "I couldn't see much because of all the mountains in the way."

Doctor jokes-Miserable cold

A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help.

On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good.

On his third visit the doctor told the man to go home and take a hot bath. As soon as he was finished bathing he was to throw open all the windows and stands in the draft.

"But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia."

"I know," said his physician. "I can cure pneumonia."

One line jokes - Husband Wife

Wife : "Why are you back home so early?"
Husband : At office boss told me "Go to Hell.."

Really funny jokes-Read aloud

Bernie was unfortunate enough to be hit by a truck and ended up in the hospital. His best friend Morris came to visit him.

Bernie struggles to tell Morris, "My wife Sadie visits me three times a day. She's so good to me. Every day, she reads to me at the bedside."

"What does she read?" asks Morris.

"My life insurance policy."

Really good stuff-What women should tell men...but don’t

What women should tell men...but don’t

1. The reason why our bras don’t always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.

2. The next time you and your buddies make jokes about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.

3. If we’re watching football with you - it’s not bonding - it’s their butts.

4. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

5. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

6. Please don’t drive when you’re not driving.

7. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn’t ask in bed.

8. The next time you make jokes about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubber-necking mini-skirts.

9. If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of “who’s easy”?

10. Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don’t care.

11. When you’re not around, I belch loudly, too.

12. We don’t mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance - in fact, please do!

13. When you’re out with us, please wear “our” favorite outfit rather than “yours” - the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way.

14. If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs. A negative grunt.

15. Don’t insist that we “get off the stupid phone” and then not talk to us.

16. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.

17. Cleaning the house is not necessarily “women’s work”; besides, most of the “dirt” and clutter is yours anyway.

18. Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?

19. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.

20. Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling… however, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.

Little Johnny jokes-What part of your body goes to Heaven first

The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven . . Which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

"Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first."

"What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it 's your legs."

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

"Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!"

If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

The nun fainted.

Hilarious jokes-Street name

"I'd like the number for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the young man said to the 411 operator.

"There are multiple listings for Jennifer Smith in Richmond, Virginia," the operator said. "Do you have a street name?"

The young man hesitated a moment, "Well, uh, most people call me Bubba."

Really funny jokes-Husband and Wife tiff

Husband and wife had a tiff.

Wife called up her mum and said, “He fought with me again. I am coming to live with you”.

Mom said, “No no my little girl, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you.”

Clean jokes-Grouchy

When I went to get my driver’s license renewed, our local Motor Vehicle Bureau was packed.

The line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his license.

He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk, “I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture.”

The clerk looked at his picture closely, and reassured him, “It’s okay. That’s how you’re going to look when the cops pull you over anyway.”

Short funny jokes-Own sister

A small boy opens the door and looks at his sister's boy friend and asks innocently,
"Every day you come to meet my sister , don't you have your own sister"

Good jokes-Work in Heaven

Bill Gates died and, much to everyone's surprise, went to Heaven.

When he got there, he had to wait in the reception area, which was about the size of Massachusetts. There were millions of people living in tents. Food and water were being distributed from the backs of trucks, while staffers with clipboards slowly worked their way through the crowd.

Bill lived in a tent for three weeks until, finally, a staffer in his late teens approached him. The young man was wearing a blue T-shirt with the words TEAM PETER emblazoned on it in large yellow letters.

"Hello," said the staffer in a bored voice. "My name is Gabriel and I'll be your induction coordinator."

Bill started to ask a question, but Gabriel interrupted him.

"No, I'm not the Archangel Gabriel. I'm a guy from Philadelphia named Gabriel who died in a car wreck at 17. Now give me your name, last name first, unless you were Chinese, in which case it's first name first."

"Gates, Bill."

Gabriel started searching through the sheaf of papers on his clipboard, looking for Bill's Record of Earthly Works.

"What's going on here?" asked Bill. "Why are all these people here? Where's St. Peter? Where are the pearly gates?"

Gabriel ignored the questions until he located Bill's records. "It says here that you were the president of a large software company. Is that right?"

"Yes."

"Well do the math! When this St. Peter business started, it was easy. Only a hundred or so people died every day, and Peter could handle it by himself."

"But now there are over five billion people on earth. When God said to 'go forth and multiply,' he didn't say 'like rabbits!' Ten thousand people die every hour, over a quarter-million a day. Do you think Peter can meet them all personally?"

"I guess not."

"You guess right. So he had to franchise the operation. Now, Peter is the CEO of Team Peter Enterprises, Inc. Franchisees like me handle the actual inductions."

Gabriel looked though his paperwork some more and then continued. "Your paperwork seems to be in order. And with a background like yours, you'll be getting a plum job assignment."

"Job assignment?"

"Of course. Did you expect to spend eternity sitting on your bum and drinking ambrosia? Heaven is a big operation. You have to pull your weight around here!"

Gabriel took out a triplicate form, had Bill sign at the bottom, and then tore out the middle copy and handed it to Bill. "Take this down to induction center no. 23 and meet up with your occupational coordinator. His name is Abraham--and no, he's not that Abraham."

Bill walked to induction center no. 23 and met with Abraham after a mere six-hour wait.

"Heaven is centuries behind in building its data-processing infrastructure," explained Abraham. "As you've seen, we're still doing everything on paper. It takes us a week just to process new entries. Your job will be to supervise Heaven's new data processing center."

"We're building the largest computing facility in creation. Half a million computers connected by a multisegment fiber-optic network, all running into a back-end server network with a thousand CPUs on a gigabit channel. Fault tolerant, distributed processing, the works."

Bill could barely contain his excitement. "Wow! What a great job! This is really Heaven!"

"We're just finishing construction, and we'll be starting operations soon. Would you like to go see the center now?"

"You bet!"

Abraham and Bill caught the shuttle bus and went to Heaven's new data processing center. It was a truly huge facility, a hundred times bigger than the Astrodome. Workers were crawling all over the place, getting the miles of fiber optic cables properly installed.

But the center was dominated by the computers. Half a million computers, arranged nearly row-by-row, half a million...

Macintoshes... All running Linux software! All open source! Not a single byte of Microsoft code!

The thought of spending eternity using products he had spent his whole life working to destroy was too much for Bill.

He exclaimed. "What about Windows??? Excel??? Word???"

"You're forgetting something," said Abraham.

"What's that?" asked Bill plaintively.

"This is Heaven," explained Abraham. "If you want to build a data processing center based on PCs running Windows, then you'll have to go elsewhere!"

Hilarious jokes-Sheriff and veterinarian

The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet," the wife asked?

"Both," the caller replied. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

Practical jokes-Grandparent's answering machine

Good morning. . . . At present we are not at home but, please leave your message after you hear the beep. beeeeeppp ...

If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.

If you need us to stay with the children, press 2

If you want to borrow the car, press 3

If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4

If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5

If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6

If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7

If you want to come to eat here, press 8

If you need money, dial 9

If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theater start talking we are listening !!!!!!!!!!!"