You must be a redneck if
* You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
* You can spit without opening your mouth.
* You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
* Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
* You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.
* You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.
Really Funny Jokes
Welcome to Really Funny Jokes and Hilarious Jokes. Please bookmark us and visit daily for free jokes.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Really funny jokes-You must be a redneck
Funny jokes-Sharks in the Ocean
Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water"."Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little old lady, terrified."Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs"."And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more?" asks the little lady."Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much".
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Really funny jokes-About parachutes
A man jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling, he realizes his chute is broken. He doesn't know anything about parachutes, but as the earth rapidly approaches, he realizes his options are limited; he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet, another man goes shooting up past him.
In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, "Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!"
The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!"
In desperation, the man with the chute looks up and yells, "Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!"
The guy flying up looks down and yells, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?!"
Doctor jokes-Dizzy
Doctor: What seems to be your trouble?
Patient: When I get up I feel dizzy for one hour.
Doctor: Try getting up one hour later.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Good jokes-Installments
It’s 3am, and the man is driving his brand new BMW M3 CSL down the N1 at 240km/h. He’s two minutes away from home when he sees a car on the side of the road, on its roof, and flames all around.
There’s no one else in the area, his cell phone reception is dead, so he stops his car. Sure enough, there’s a beautiful woman in the car, but she’s bleeding to death. The guy reckons “screw it” and rushes home to fetch a blanket. He gets back, puts the blanket on the back seat of his M3, and puts the woman on the blanket. He then rushes her to the hospital.
Six months she lies in the hospital, and he is with her every day and very night. He donates blood to keep her alive. Eventually, she recovers fully, and they get married.
Life is cool for a few years, until one day she gets fed up and decides to leave him. His love of money is obvious, and she feels like a trophy wife.
As she comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases, she reach into her pocket for the keys to the Jaguar. Sure enough, he stops her before she reaches the door, and asks “What are you doing?” “I’m leaving you,” she says. “Oh really, and how are you going to leave? The keys in your hand are for the Jaguar I paid for. It’s my car. You’re not taking it anywhere.”
“Fine,” she says, and throws the keys at him. “And those bulging suitcases?
The clothes you’re wearing? Everything, I’ve paid for. They are my suitcases and my clothes. You’re not taking them any where.”
“Fine,” she says, and throws the suitcases at him. She strips down completely and throws her clothes at him too. “And the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You’re not going anywhere.”
She whips out her tampon and says “I’ll pay you back in monthly installments.”
There’s no one else in the area, his cell phone reception is dead, so he stops his car. Sure enough, there’s a beautiful woman in the car, but she’s bleeding to death. The guy reckons “screw it” and rushes home to fetch a blanket. He gets back, puts the blanket on the back seat of his M3, and puts the woman on the blanket. He then rushes her to the hospital.
Six months she lies in the hospital, and he is with her every day and very night. He donates blood to keep her alive. Eventually, she recovers fully, and they get married.
Life is cool for a few years, until one day she gets fed up and decides to leave him. His love of money is obvious, and she feels like a trophy wife.
As she comes down the stairs, struggling with her two suitcases, she reach into her pocket for the keys to the Jaguar. Sure enough, he stops her before she reaches the door, and asks “What are you doing?” “I’m leaving you,” she says. “Oh really, and how are you going to leave? The keys in your hand are for the Jaguar I paid for. It’s my car. You’re not taking it anywhere.”
“Fine,” she says, and throws the keys at him. “And those bulging suitcases?
The clothes you’re wearing? Everything, I’ve paid for. They are my suitcases and my clothes. You’re not taking them any where.”
“Fine,” she says, and throws the suitcases at him. She strips down completely and throws her clothes at him too. “And the blood in your body? I sat with you for six months in the hospital. You know half of the blood is mine. You’re not going anywhere.”
She whips out her tampon and says “I’ll pay you back in monthly installments.”
Funny jokes-Adam's 10 Alternative Commandments
Here are Adam's 10 Alternative Commandments
1. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
2. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)
3. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
4. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
5. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
6. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
7. As 'Keeper of the Garden', Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
8. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
9. As the Bible says, 'It is not good for man to be alone!'
10. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, 'I can do better than that.'
1. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
2. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)
3. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
4. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
5. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
6. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
7. As 'Keeper of the Garden', Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
8. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
9. As the Bible says, 'It is not good for man to be alone!'
10. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, 'I can do better than that.'
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Really funny jokes-Basketball team pictures
Hanging in the hallway at the High School are the basketball team pictures from the past 40 years. A player in the centre of the front row in each picture holds a basketball identifying the year --"62-63";"63-64"; "64-65" and so on.
One day I spotted a freshman looking curiously at the photos. Turning to me, she said, 'Isn't it strange how the teams always lost by one point?'
One day I spotted a freshman looking curiously at the photos. Turning to me, she said, 'Isn't it strange how the teams always lost by one point?'
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Hilarious jokes-Police Officer in Court
Q: Policeman, when you stopped the defendant, were the red and blue lights flashing on your police car?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her vehicle?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Clean jokes-New perspective on Christmas
A little boy returned from Sunday school with a new perspective on the Christmas story. He had learned all about the Wise Men from the East who brought gifts to the Baby Jesus. He was so excited he could hardly wait to tell his parents.
As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, "I learned all about the very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys! And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!"
As soon as he arrived home, he immediately began, "I learned all about the very first Christmas in Sunday school today! There wasn't a Santa Claus way back then, so these three skinny guys on camels had to deliver all the toys! And Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer with his nose so bright wasn't there yet, so they had to have this big spotlight in the sky to find their way around!"
Friday, June 25, 2010
Really funny jokes-Army of the Lord
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the vicar was standing at the door, as he always was, to shake hands with the worshippers. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The vicar said to him, 'You need to join the army of the Lord.'
My friend replied, 'I'm already in the army of the Lord, Father.'
So the vicar enquired, 'Then how come I don't see you except at Christmas and at Easter?'
My friend whispered back, 'I'm in the secret service.'
Little Johnny jokes-Fart in the classroom
Little Johnny farts in the classroom and his teacher gets really upset and throws him out he goes and sits outside the class and can't stop laughing.
The principle walks by and sees him sitting outside laughing. He says, "Little Johnny what are you doing sitting here laughing?"
Little Johnny says, "I farted in class and the teacher threw me out"
The principle says, "Well then why are you laughing?"
Little Johnny says, "Cause the dumb idiots are sitting in the class smelling my fart and they put me outside in this beautiful weather"
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Funny jokes-Pet ape
A man was walking down the street with a baby ape in his arms when a friend stopped him and asked what he was doing with the chimp. "I just bought this ape as a pet. We have no children;
so he's going to live with us - just like one of the family.
He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife."
"But what about the smell?" the friend asked.
"Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did.
so he's going to live with us - just like one of the family.
He'll eat at the same table with us. He'll even sleep in the same bed with me and my wife."
"But what about the smell?" the friend asked.
"Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did.
Redneck jokes-Divorced
Did you hear about the divorced redneck?
He wondered if his ex-wife was still his sister.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Kids jokes-Strange socks
Teacher : What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!
L-Johnny: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home.
L-Johnny: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair of the same at home.
Good jokes-Fidel goes to heaven
Fidel Castro dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in heaven. Fidel must go to hell.
So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No problem, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."
When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked.St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.
As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other,"My God! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"
So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home. Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in heaven and tells Satan, who says, "No problem, I'll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff."
When the little devils get to heaven they find the gates are locked.St. Peter is having lunch - and they start debating what to do. Finally one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage.
As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other,"My God! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes and we're already getting refugees!"
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Really rude jokes-Woman
Q: What's the definition of a modern woman?
A: One who dresses to kill and drives the same way.
Q: Why don't women need drivers licenses?
A: Because there aren't any roads from the kitchen to the bedroom.
Short funny jokes-Vampires
Where does Dracula keep his valuables?
In a blood bank.
How does a witch tell time?
She looks at her witch watch.
Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?
To improve his bite...
Clean jokes-Seeback
It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper:
“Ames”
“Here!”
“Jenson”
“Here!”
“Jones”
“Here!”
“Magersky”
“Here!”
“Seeback”
No answer.
“Seeback!”
No answer was heard again.
“SEEBACK!!!” The troops remained totally silent.
At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant’s ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.
“Ames”
“Here!”
“Jenson”
“Here!”
“Jones”
“Here!”
“Magersky”
“Here!”
“Seeback”
No answer.
“Seeback!”
No answer was heard again.
“SEEBACK!!!” The troops remained totally silent.
At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant’s ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, quickly turned over the list and continued calling the names printed on the other side.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Really funny jokes-Top 10 Signs your family is stressed
TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED..
10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".
9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
8. The cat is on Valium.
7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.
5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.
10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".
9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
8. The cat is on Valium.
7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.
6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.
5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.
4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.
1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Funny jokes-Englishman, Irishman, Welshman and Scotsman
An Englishman, Irishman, Welshman, Scotsman were captured while fighting in a far-off foreign land, and the leader of the captors said, 'We're going to line you up in front of a firing squad and shoot you all in turn. But first, you each can make a final wish.'
The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'
The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'
The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'
The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'
The Englishman responds, 'I'd like to hear "God Save The Queen" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, played by the London All Boys Choir. With Morris Dancers Dancing to the tune.'
The Irishman replies, 'I'd like to hear "Danny Boy" just one more time to remind me of the auld country, sung in the style of Daniel O'Donnell, with Riverdance dancers skipping gaily to the tune.'
The Welshman answers, 'I'd like to hear "Men Of Harlech" just one more time to remind me of the country, sung as if by the Treorchy Male Voice Choir.'
The Scotsman says quickly, 'I'd like to be shot first.'
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Hilarious jokes-Quick wit and intelligence
A customer at Stingray Fishmongers marveled at the owner's quick wit and intelligence.
'Tell me, Simon, what makes you so smart?'
'I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone, 'Simon replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear.' But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant.'
'You sell them here?' the customer asks.
'Only $4 apiece', says Simon.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
'You didn't eat enough, 'says Simon. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
'Hey, Simon, 'he complains, 'you're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. you're ripping me off!'
'You see?' says Simon, 'you're smarter already.'
'Tell me, Simon, what makes you so smart?'
'I wouldn't share my secret with just anyone, 'Simon replies, lowering his voice so the other shoppers won't hear.' But since you're a good and faithful customer, I'll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough of them, you'll be positively brilliant.'
'You sell them here?' the customer asks.
'Only $4 apiece', says Simon.
The customer buys three. A week later, he's back in the store complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn't any smarter.
'You didn't eat enough, 'says Simon. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he's back and this time he's really angry.
'Hey, Simon, 'he complains, 'you're selling me fish heads for $4 a piece when I can buy the whole fish for $2. you're ripping me off!'
'You see?' says Simon, 'you're smarter already.'
Clean jokes-Laurel Hardy
Laurel: Hardy, I have recently changed my job. Now I have thousands of people working under me.
Hardy: That's great news. By the way where are you working?
Laurel: I am working on the top floor of the 100 storeyed building.
Hardy: That's great news. By the way where are you working?
Laurel: I am working on the top floor of the 100 storeyed building.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Really funny jokes-Asleep during Sunday sermon
Big Dave seemed to always fall asleep during the Sunday sermon. His wife, Martha, was fed up and decided to deal with the embarrassing situation.
The next Sunday when he fell asleep, she quietly removed some pungent Roquefort cheese from a bag in her purse and passed it under his nose.
Groggily startled, Big Dave blurted out, 'No, Martha, no, please don't kiss me now.'
The next Sunday when he fell asleep, she quietly removed some pungent Roquefort cheese from a bag in her purse and passed it under his nose.
Groggily startled, Big Dave blurted out, 'No, Martha, no, please don't kiss me now.'
Blonde jokes-Another drink
When asked by their host if she would like another drink, the attractive blonde bowed her head slightly and said, "No thank you. My husband limits me to one drink."
"Why is that," the host asked?
Her reply... "Because after one drink I can feel it and after two drinks ...anyone can!"
"Why is that," the host asked?
Her reply... "Because after one drink I can feel it and after two drinks ...anyone can!"
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Good jokes-Less
A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, 'Can I have a pint of Less, please?' I'm sorry sir, 'the barman replies,
looking slightly puzzled, 'I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?'
'I've no idea, 'replies the guy, 'The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less.'
looking slightly puzzled, 'I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?'
'I've no idea, 'replies the guy, 'The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less.'
Funny jokes-Not a good idea
A polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink.
The polish guy calls the bartender over and says "whatever she is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me."
The bartender replies "I don't think you want to do that."
"What do you mean?" yells the polish guy, "Send her the drink!"
"O.K." the bartender replies, "but I don't think it is a good idea."
"And why not?" asks the polish guy.
The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says "because she's a lesbian."
"I don't care, send her the drink." says the polish guy.
So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, "so what part of Lesbia are you from?"
The polish guy calls the bartender over and says "whatever she is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me."
The bartender replies "I don't think you want to do that."
"What do you mean?" yells the polish guy, "Send her the drink!"
"O.K." the bartender replies, "but I don't think it is a good idea."
"And why not?" asks the polish guy.
The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says "because she's a lesbian."
"I don't care, send her the drink." says the polish guy.
So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, "so what part of Lesbia are you from?"
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Really funny jokes-Fitting in a Volkswagen
Q: How do you fit forty-seven Puerto Ricans in a Volkswagen?
A: Use a blender.
Q: How do you get them out?
A: Doritos.
Yo mama jokes-So stupid!!
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she told me to meet her at the corner of "Walk" and "Don't Walk."
* Yo Mama's so stupid, when the computer said "Press any key to continue", she couldn't find the 'Any' key.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she spent twenty minutes lookin' at an orange juice box because it said `concentrate.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, I put a Scratch-N'-Sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool and she drowned.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she has 1 toe & bought a pair of flip flops
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she put a phone up her ass and thought she was making a booty call.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, when the computer said "Press any key to continue", she couldn't find the 'Any' key.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she spent twenty minutes lookin' at an orange juice box because it said `concentrate.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, I put a Scratch-N'-Sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool and she drowned.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she has 1 toe & bought a pair of flip flops
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she put a phone up her ass and thought she was making a booty call.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Hilarious jokes-Dangerous criminal
A dangerous criminal had escaped, so the police issued the usual photographs: left profile, front view, and right profile. A few days later they received the following telegram from an Irish detective:
"Have captured the fellow on the left, and the fellow in the middle, and at the rate I'm going it won't be long before I get the fellow on the right as well".
"Have captured the fellow on the left, and the fellow in the middle, and at the rate I'm going it won't be long before I get the fellow on the right as well".
Short funny jokes-Bear and bunny
A bear and a bunny are sitting in a forest taking a shit. The bear leans over to the bunny and says "Do you ever have the problem of shit sticking to your fur"?
The bunny says "No".
So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his ass.
The bunny says "No".
So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his ass.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Really funny stuff-Confucius Says
Confucius Says....
... elevator smell different to midget.
... America good place for Chinese restaurant.
... no man is island, but some women are whales.
... he who have last laugh, not get joke.
... man who sleep with old hen, find it better than pullet.
... he who outrun cheetah, f_cking fast on his feet.
... man trapped in sewer, eat shit and die.
... man who f_ck ugly dog, get howled at.
... all men eat, but Fumanchu.
... he who eat crackers in bed, have crummy sleep.
Birthday jokes-To the doctor
Q. Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
A. Because it was feeling crumby!
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Really funny jokes-Guide to Advanced Nose Picking
Deep Salvage Pick
Reminiscent of the deep sea exploration to find the Titanic ship, you probe deep into your nasal passages.
Utensil Pick
When fingers, and even your thumb, just aren't enough to get the job done to your satisfaction.
Extra Pick
When you have been digging for nuggets hours upon hours and suddenly you hit the jackpot! Excitement only equaled by winning the lottery.
Depression Pick
When your sad, and the only way to fill the void is to pick so hard and fast that the agony overcomes your feeling of remorse and depression.
Pick A Lot
What we would call abnormal amounts of picking. Anything in the three digit realm we consider a bit too much for a 24 hour time frame.
Kiddie Pick
When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit!
Camouflaged Kiddie Pick
When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.
Fake Nose Scratch
When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
Making A Meal Out Of It
You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.
Surprise Pickings
When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
Autopick
The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking. Also can mean automatic pick, the one you do when your not even thinking about it, at work, while talking to a co-worker, during a meeting....
Pick Your Brains
Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.
Pick And Save
When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.
Pick And Flick
Snot now becomes a weapon against your sister and others in range around you.
Pick And Stick
You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.
Pipe Cleaner Pick
The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.
Reminiscent of the deep sea exploration to find the Titanic ship, you probe deep into your nasal passages.
Utensil Pick
When fingers, and even your thumb, just aren't enough to get the job done to your satisfaction.
Extra Pick
When you have been digging for nuggets hours upon hours and suddenly you hit the jackpot! Excitement only equaled by winning the lottery.
Depression Pick
When your sad, and the only way to fill the void is to pick so hard and fast that the agony overcomes your feeling of remorse and depression.
Pick A Lot
What we would call abnormal amounts of picking. Anything in the three digit realm we consider a bit too much for a 24 hour time frame.
Kiddie Pick
When you're by yourself and you uninhibitedly twist your forefinger into your nostril with childlike joy and freedom. And the best part is, there's no time limit!
Camouflaged Kiddie Pick
When, in the presence of other people, you wrap your forefinger in a tissue, then thrust it in deep and hold back the smile.
Fake Nose Scratch
When you make believe you've got an itch but you're really trolling the nostril edge for stray boogers.
Making A Meal Out Of It
You do it so furiously, and for so long, you're probably entitled to dessert.
Surprise Pickings
When a sneeze or laugh causes snot to come hurling out of your nose, and you have to gracefully clean it off your shirt.
Autopick
The kind you do in a car, when no one's looking. Also can mean automatic pick, the one you do when your not even thinking about it, at work, while talking to a co-worker, during a meeting....
Pick Your Brains
Done in private, this is the one where your finger goes in so far, it passes the septum.
Pick And Save
When you have to pick it quickly, just when someone looks away, and then you pocket the snot so they don't catch on to what you did.
Pick And Flick
Snot now becomes a weapon against your sister and others in range around you.
Pick And Stick
You wanted it to be a "Pick and Flick," but it stubbornly clings to your fingertip.
Pipe Cleaner Pick
The kind where you remove a piece of snot so big, it improves your breathing by 90%.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Good jokes-You might be a Caffeine Addict if
You might be a Caffeine addict if...
* Starbucks has decided to use you as their official mascot.
* You've ever carried your coffee cup into the shower with you in the morning.
* You regard the fact that your hands are shaking as a good sign.
* Your birthday is a national holiday in Colombia.
* You go to sleep just to wake up and smell the coffee.
* Your coffee pot is next to your bed and your alarm clock is in the kitchen.
* You've ever used the airplane's Call button just to get a coffee refill.
* You can't remember the last time you blinked.
* The dishes in your house are all coffee cups.
* Your dog's name is Folgers.
* You see nothing wrong with using water joe (caffeinated water) to make the coffee you use to take your no-doze.
* You could live in a desert like a hermit, eating bugs for food, as long as you had enough coffee beans with you.
* Starbucks has decided to use you as their official mascot.
* You've ever carried your coffee cup into the shower with you in the morning.
* You regard the fact that your hands are shaking as a good sign.
* Your birthday is a national holiday in Colombia.
* You go to sleep just to wake up and smell the coffee.
* Your coffee pot is next to your bed and your alarm clock is in the kitchen.
* You've ever used the airplane's Call button just to get a coffee refill.
* You can't remember the last time you blinked.
* The dishes in your house are all coffee cups.
* Your dog's name is Folgers.
* You see nothing wrong with using water joe (caffeinated water) to make the coffee you use to take your no-doze.
* You could live in a desert like a hermit, eating bugs for food, as long as you had enough coffee beans with you.
Funny farm jokes-Giving away animals
A retiring farmer in preparation for selling his land, needed to rid his farm of animals. So he went to every house in his town.
To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
"I am." said the man.
"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"
The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."
"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.
"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.
---
To the houses where the man is the boss, he gave a horse. To the houses where the woman is the boss, a chicken was given.
He got toward the end of the street and saw a couple outside gardening. "Who's the boss around here?" he asked.
"I am." said the man.
"I have a black horse and a brown horse," the farmer said, "which one would you like?"
The man thought for a minute and said, "The black one."
"No, no, no, get the brown one." the man's wife said.
"Here's your chicken." said the farmer.
---
Friday, June 11, 2010
Funny jokes-Holes in umbrella
Two men from Dublin were walking to the annual Dublin Fair when it started raining.
"Patrick, put your umbrella up, it's raining".
"I can't, Mick, it's got holes in it".
"Holes in it? Then why did you bring it with you?"
"I didn't think it would rain."
Practical jokes-Wave of my hand
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Speaker and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before. To make it a little more interesting, Nancy says to the Pope, "Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do.
"That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your
subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
Nancy seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.
The Speaker and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before. To make it a little more interesting, Nancy says to the Pope, "Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?"
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every Democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be out done by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do.
"That was impressive, the Pope says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your
subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice."
Nancy seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."
So the Pope slapped her.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Short funny jokes-To keep an Irishman busy
Q: How do you keep an Irishman busy for hours?
A: Give him a card with "PTO" on both sides.
Hilarious jokes-Never send a woman to Home Depot
Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.
Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.
When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"
The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00."
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It's certainly out of my price bracket."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!
Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.
When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"
The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00."
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet. It's certainly out of my price bracket."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Really funny Yo Mama jokes
Yo Mama's So Stupid
* Yo Mama's so stupid, I told her to buy a color TV, she came back and said what color.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she put on her glasses to watch 20/20.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she failed a survey.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she gave birth to you.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out of the basement window.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she needs twice as much sense to be a half-wit.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, I told her to buy a color TV, she came back and said what color.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she put on her glasses to watch 20/20.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she failed a survey.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to say go.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she gave birth to you.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she tried to commit suicide by jumping out of the basement window.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she needs twice as much sense to be a half-wit.
Blonde jokes-A blonde's password
During a recent password audit at a large company, it was found that a blond receptionist was using the following password:
“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacrament o”
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least eight characters long and include at least one capital.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Short funny jokes-Three Wise Women
You do know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of men, don't you?
They would have asked for directions,
arrived on time,
helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable,
made a casserole,
and brought disposable diapers as gifts!
They would have asked for directions,
arrived on time,
helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable,
made a casserole,
and brought disposable diapers as gifts!
Realy funny jokes-Wailing
Solly and Moses were also on the Titanic when it went down. They scrambled aboard a lifeboat, and then, out in the middle of the ocean, Moses starts crying and wailing, and making a terrible scene.
"What are you crying for?", asks Solly, "It's wasn't your ship".
"What are you crying for?", asks Solly, "It's wasn't your ship".
Monday, June 7, 2010
MJ jokes-Grocery bag
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in.
A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in.
Good jokes-What would you like for dinner
The dear husband was engrossed in a football game upset for his loosing team and the sweet voice of the dearest wife was heard.
"What would you like to have for dinner my love, Lamb, Chicken or Beef?"
The husband responded with gratefulness, "Honey, I would like to have chicken for me."
The wife snapped, "You are having tomato soup, I was talking to the Cat."
"What would you like to have for dinner my love, Lamb, Chicken or Beef?"
The husband responded with gratefulness, "Honey, I would like to have chicken for me."
The wife snapped, "You are having tomato soup, I was talking to the Cat."
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Funny jokes-You know you are getting older when.....
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
- Your eyes won't get much worse.
- Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
- Things you buy now won't wear out.
- No one expects you to run into a burning building.
- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
- You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Really funny stuff-Comments Made In The Year 1955
Comments Made In The Year 1955:
"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."
"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."
"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.
"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."
"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."
"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."
"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."
"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."
"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."
"I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."
"Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."
"If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
"Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
"If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
"When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
"Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
"I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.
"I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas."
"Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."
"I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
"It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."
"It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
"Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
"I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
"Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."
"The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."
"There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
"No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."
"If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."
Hilarious jokes-Who lands first
An Italian, an Irishman, and a Puerto Rican jump off the Empire State Building. Who lands first?
The Italian;
because the Irishman stops to ask directions,
and the Puerto Rican stops to spray paint on the walls.
The Italian;
because the Irishman stops to ask directions,
and the Puerto Rican stops to spray paint on the walls.
Friday, June 4, 2010
Funny redneck jokes-You might be a redneck if
You might be a redneck if
1. You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
2. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
3. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
4. You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
5. You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
6. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
7. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
8. You have a rag for a gas cap.
9. Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
10. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
1. You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
2. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
3. Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.
4. You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
5. You took a fishing pole to Sea World.
6. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
7. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
8. You have a rag for a gas cap.
9. Your father executes the "Pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
10. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
Yo Mama jokes-So stupid!!
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she thought 2pac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she was on the corner with a sign that said "Will eat for food."
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she got on an elevator and thought it was a mobile home.
* Yo Mama's so stupid, she got locked in Furniture World and slept on the floor.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Really funny jokes-Biopsy mix up
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello, Mrs. Ward, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him......
"Speaking."
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, the results are either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."
"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him......
Clean jokes-Church bulletin
I write the church bulletin each week. Last week on complete accident instead of putting in "Pastor Vill will be giving this weeks exciting messages" I wrote: "This week Pastor Vill will be giving this weeks exciting massages."
Another time I was suppose to write "Forgiveness can send you to hell" and I accidentally wrote: "Forgiveness will send you to hell."
Needless to say my work is checked before the bulletins are printed and passed out now in church.
Another time I was suppose to write "Forgiveness can send you to hell" and I accidentally wrote: "Forgiveness will send you to hell."
Needless to say my work is checked before the bulletins are printed and passed out now in church.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Hilarious jokes-Almost stepped in
A Polish man walks into his local pub and goes straight up to the barman, who turns away disgusted at the handful of dog sh*t the Pole is holding.
"Hey, Fred" says the Pole, "Look what I almost stepped in".
"Hey, Fred" says the Pole, "Look what I almost stepped in".
Short funny jokes-New camera
Q. Did you hear about the new Japanese camera?
A. It's so fast it can catch a woman with her mouth closed.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Sardar jokes-Left a fortune
Santa : "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
His wife Jasmeet : "Honey, I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
His wife Jasmeet : "Honey, I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"
Really funny jokes-Depressed man
A man lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms.
One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly, useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said "I'm NOT happy; I am trying to scratch my ass."
One day he could not stand it anymore. He decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a tall building to jump off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man on the sidewalk below skipping along whistling and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and noticed this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life.
He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly, useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he now knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could do it with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked "Why are you so happy anyway?"
He said "I'm NOT happy; I am trying to scratch my ass."
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