A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
Really Funny Jokes
Welcome to Really Funny Jokes and Hilarious Jokes. Please bookmark us and visit daily for free jokes.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Very funny joke - Jurassic Park
Sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he is cowering in his seat.
His friend asks him "What Sardarji? Are you afraid of the cinema?"
Sardarji replies "I am an intelligent man, I know it is a movie, but does that animal know?"
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Really funny jokes-Noise in the engine
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"
"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
Monday, March 29, 2010
Barack Obama Jokes - TV news Acronyms
NBC: New Barack Channel
ABC: Another Barack Channel
MSNBC: My Seriously New Barack Channel
CBS: Continuous Barack Show
FOX: Flagrant Obama Xenophobes
Short funny jokes-Life's savings
Patient: I have spent 80% of my life's savings on doctors.
Doctor : Why didn't you come to me earlier?
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Funny Hilarious Joke - Hawaii
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, “Lord, grant me one wish.”
Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”
The man said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I want to.”
The Lord said, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, one that would honor and glorify me.”
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent
treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘nothing’, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”
After a few minutes God said, “You want two lanes or four on that bridge?”
Blonde jokes-Hammering
Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail she was hammering?
A: The noise gave her a headache!
A: The noise gave her a headache!
Friday, March 26, 2010
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Funny Jokes - Farmer and Pig
Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road. Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.
They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed like hours. When the chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver had been in there so long.
"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses." explained the driver.
"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.
The chauffeur replied, "I told him I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."
Light bulb jokes-How many women
Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE? NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE? NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS...
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Really funny jokes-The Photographer and the Pilot
The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great bush fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his office to hire a plane
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let’s go! Let’s go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you’re not the instructor?"
"It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.
As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let’s go! Let’s go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."
"Why?" asked the pilot.
"Because I’m going to take pictures! I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience.
After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you’re not the instructor?"
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Really good stuff-Advice to be passed on to your daughter
Advice To Be Passed On To Your Daughter
Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.
Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.
Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.
Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Really funny jokes-Airsick
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do. Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him. "So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"
Animal jokes-Doggie conversations
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bull dog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a very nice looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say 'liver' and 'cheese' in a sentence can be my topdog."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
The Collie says, "Sorry, that's not good enough."
The Bull dog says, "I'll have some liver and cheese, please."
She says, "Sorry, that's not creative enough."
Finally the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone......cheese mine."
So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese."
The Collie says, "Sorry, that's not good enough."
The Bull dog says, "I'll have some liver and cheese, please."
She says, "Sorry, that's not creative enough."
Finally the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone......cheese mine."
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Clean jokes-Big feet
Two sisters arrived home from school crying their eyes out.
“What’s the matter with the two of you?” asked their mother.
“All the kids at school always make fun of my big feet,” wailed the first sister.
“Don’t let it bother you,” comforted the mother, “Your feet aren’t that big.” She then turned her attention to the second sister. “Now why are you crying?”
“My friends invited me to go skiing and I can’t find my skis,” she cried.
“That’s not a problem,” the mother said, “You can borrow your sister’s shoes.”
“What’s the matter with the two of you?” asked their mother.
“All the kids at school always make fun of my big feet,” wailed the first sister.
“Don’t let it bother you,” comforted the mother, “Your feet aren’t that big.” She then turned her attention to the second sister. “Now why are you crying?”
“My friends invited me to go skiing and I can’t find my skis,” she cried.
“That’s not a problem,” the mother said, “You can borrow your sister’s shoes.”
Really funny jokes-Chicken Noodle Soup
"Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir," urged the street vendor.
"I haven't got a wife," replied the young man.
"Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart."
"I don't have a sweetheart, either."
"Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck."
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Short funny jokes-Being 99
Grandma, is it exciting being 99?
It certainly is! If I wasn't 99 I'd be dead.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Blonde jokes-In commercials
Q: What do you call blonde twins doing bubble gum commercials?
A: Double-dumb
A: Double-dumb
Yo mama jokes-Nasty
- Yo mama's so nasty, she went to a hair salon and told the stylist to cut her hair, then she opened up her blouse!!
- Yo mama's so nasty, she calls Janet "Miss Jackson."
- Yo mama's so nasty, she puts ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh.
- Yo mama's so nasty, she calls Janet "Miss Jackson."
- Yo mama's so nasty, she puts ice down her drawers to keep the crabs fresh.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Really funny jokes-ten years ago
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. “Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area.”
“Heck, Gloria,” the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, “we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn’t heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!”
“Heck, Gloria,” the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, “we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn’t heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!”
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Clean jokes funny-She's the devil
Last night as I headed to the cash register at Gelson’s, a middle-aged blond woman was in a tirade at the check-out stand.
“She’s the Devil,” she rasped to a thin fey man next to her in line.
I stopped and asked her dead-pan,
“Are you kibitzing about Sarah Palin?”
“Yes,” she shouted gleefully in response.
“See, you didn’t even have to reveal her name and I knew who you were talking about.”
All the shoppers within earshot roared!
“She’s the Devil,” she rasped to a thin fey man next to her in line.
I stopped and asked her dead-pan,
“Are you kibitzing about Sarah Palin?”
“Yes,” she shouted gleefully in response.
“See, you didn’t even have to reveal her name and I knew who you were talking about.”
All the shoppers within earshot roared!
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Short funny jokes-Popcorn with fingers
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately...
Animal jokes-Big bad wolf
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big, bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you knock it off, I'm trying to shit!"
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams,
"Will you knock it off, I'm trying to shit!"
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Really funny jokes-Fluctuations
An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York with 2000 yen and walked out with 19 Dollars. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and but was handed only 18 Dollars.
He asked the teller why he got less money than he got last week. The teller said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, but just before slamming the door, he turned around and said, "Fluc you Amelicans too!"
He asked the teller why he got less money than he got last week. The teller said, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, but just before slamming the door, he turned around and said, "Fluc you Amelicans too!"
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Funny halloween jokes-Least popular candles
10 Least Popular Halloween Candies
10. Bit-O-Squirrel
9. Poisonettes
8. Good n' Sweaty
7. Middlefinger
6. Della Reese's Pieces
5. Clam Duds
4. Baby Ruth Bader Ginsburg
3. Gummy Marrow
2. Ken Starrburst
1. Osmond Joy
Teacher jokes-Seventeenth Chapter
A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.
"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."
The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."
About half the class rose and came forward.
"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."
"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark."
The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading the Seventeenth Chapter of Mark, please step to the front of the room."
About half the class rose and came forward.
"The rest of you may leave," said the teacher, "these students are the ones I want to talk to. There is no Seventeenth Chapter in the Book of Mark."
Monday, March 8, 2010
Really funny jokes-Best flag
A Scottsman, a Chinaman, a Pom and an Aussie were in the pub debating whose country was the best.
The Scottsman reckoned his was the best, because we got the greenest grass.
The Pom reckoned his was the best because they had the most beautiful flag.
The Chinaman reckoned his was the best because of their Great Wall.
The Aussie said we're the best, 'cos we got the kangaroo, and that can jump over your great wall, crap on your grass and wipe it's *** with your flag!
The Scottsman reckoned his was the best, because we got the greenest grass.
The Pom reckoned his was the best because they had the most beautiful flag.
The Chinaman reckoned his was the best because of their Great Wall.
The Aussie said we're the best, 'cos we got the kangaroo, and that can jump over your great wall, crap on your grass and wipe it's *** with your flag!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Short humor jokes-Here are some nice Dilbert's one liners:
Here are some nice Dilbert's one liners:
1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Try & try, if you don't succeed, then CHEAT
4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.
5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..
7. Born free, taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.
13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!
20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.
22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers
24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.
25. Someday is not a day of the week
26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.
28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.
29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.
30. In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it.
31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening, engaged or married to someone else!
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Kids jokes-Better boy
A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'
Friday, March 5, 2010
Short funny jokes-Werewolf and vampire
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire?
A fur coat that fangs around your neck...
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Really funny jokes-Deviation from tracks
One train which was going peacefully on the rail-tracks suddenly deviated from the tracks and went to the fields nearby and then came back on the tracks. The passengers were horrified.
On the next Railway station the driver was caught: He was questioned how the incident happened.
He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks and he was not moving from there even after lots of honks etc.
Then authorities questioned : Are you mad! just to save life of one person you put life of so many passengers under danger. You should have overrun that person.
The driver replied: “Exactly, that is what I also decided, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train came very close.”
On the next Railway station the driver was caught: He was questioned how the incident happened.
He explained that there was a man standing on the tracks and he was not moving from there even after lots of honks etc.
Then authorities questioned : Are you mad! just to save life of one person you put life of so many passengers under danger. You should have overrun that person.
The driver replied: “Exactly, that is what I also decided, but this idiot started running towards the field when the train came very close.”
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Really funny jokes-Deep hole
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big deep hole.
“Wow…that looks deep.”
“Sure does… toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is.”
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait… no noise.
“Jeeez. That is REALLY deep… here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise.“
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait… and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, “Hey…over here in the weeds, there’s a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it’s GOTTA make some noise.”
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it’s legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they’ve just seen…
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. “Hey… you two guys seen my goat out here?” “You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!”
“Nah”, says the farmer, “That couldn’t have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.”
“Wow…that looks deep.”
“Sure does… toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is.”
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait… no noise.
“Jeeez. That is REALLY deep… here.. throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise.“
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait… and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, “Hey…over here in the weeds, there’s a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it’s GOTTA make some noise.”
The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it’s legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they’ve just seen…
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over. “Hey… you two guys seen my goat out here?” “You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen. It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!”
“Nah”, says the farmer, “That couldn’t have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie.”
Clean jokes-Before it gets cold
A boy takes his girlfriend on a date. They went to a coffee shop and they ordered coffee.
The boy told to his girlfriend, “Drink quickly before it gets cold.”
Girlfriend asked with surprise, “Why?”
The boy replied, “Don’t u see, Hot coffee is for $5 and cold coffee for $10 !”
Monday, March 1, 2010
Sardar jokes-Questions
Banta and and son went fishing one day. Sitting in the boat for a couple of hours gave them not much to do, so the son started thinking about the world around him. He began to get curious so he asked his father some questions.
“How does this boat float?”
Banta thought for a moment, then replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”
The boy returned to his contemplation, but soon came up with another one, “How do fish breath underwater?”
Once again Banta replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”
A little later the boy asked Banta, “Why is the sky blue?”
Again, Banta replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he said, “Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?”
Banta immediately assured him, “Of course not, son. If you don’t ask questions, you’ll never learn anything!”
“How does this boat float?”
Banta thought for a moment, then replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”
The boy returned to his contemplation, but soon came up with another one, “How do fish breath underwater?”
Once again Banta replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”
A little later the boy asked Banta, “Why is the sky blue?”
Again, Banta replied, “Don’t rightly know, son.”
Worried he was going to annoy his father, he said, “Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?”
Banta immediately assured him, “Of course not, son. If you don’t ask questions, you’ll never learn anything!”
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