Short adult jokes | Priests in shower

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it , not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide , he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue. The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled , he drops a bar of soap. "Oh look" says the first nun , "it's a soap dispenser". To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough , he drops the second bar of soap. Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs , then yells..."Holy Mary , Mother of God , HAND LOTION TOO!"

Funny jokes-Parachutists

An English parachutist and an Irish parachutist were arguing about who was best at folding a parachute. Unable to resolve their dispute on the ground, they decided to go up in a plane and judge by the mid-air performance of their parachutes.

The Irishman jumped first, pulled his cord, and started floating down towards the earth.

Then the Englishman jumped, pulled his cord and nothing happened; he pulled his safety cord - nothing. In a matter of seconds he whizzed past the Irishman, plummeting like a stone.

"Oh," shouted the Irishman, yanking off his harness, "so ya wanna race, do ya?!"

Really good stuff-Reasons to be single

Cooking my own meals would be an adventure, not a punishment.
I wouldn't have to explain why I'm wearing "that" shirt with "those" pants.
I could leave the toilet seat in any position I damn well please.
I could actually tell the bartender, "If anyone calls, I'm here".
I'd be painting the town instead of the house.
When I get home after work, I don't have to start work again.
I could show my girlfriend where I live.
I'd be driving a miniskirt instead of a minivan.
The only weeds I'd be concerned with are the ones I'm rolling.
I would have saved $372,416.21 in groceries by now.
I wouldn't catch so much grief about those skid-marks in my underwear!
I'd get to see what my paycheck looks like.
I'd get to see what my credit cards look like.
You can see a different face when you wake up in the morning, every day of the week!
Going to a strip club doesn't have to be a covert mission.
Bachelors don't have Mother-in-laws.
I wouldn't have to watch sub-titled French films.
I could home drunk to sleep, instead of under a bridge.
I could use my own name at hotels.
I wouldn't have a driving instructor grading me every time I go somewhere.

Adult jokes | Height of communication gap

Mr.Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody. "The next day, Mrs.Sharma receives a telephone call from AEC (Ahmadabad Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid. "Am I speaking to Mrs.Sharma ? ""Yes...... speaking"AEC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!" "How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman. "Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy. "What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW ?????" "Yes ........... We have a system of finding out who's overdue ""GOD !!!!!!...... ... this is too much........ .." "Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue" "I know that ........ let me talk to my husband about this tonight...... he will speak to your company tomorrow." "That night, she tells her husband about the visit and he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning. "What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts. "Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at AEC, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.." "PAY you? and if I refuse?" "Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off." "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks."I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle."

Animal jokes-Virgin wool

Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep

Good jokes-All in one

While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked.. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.

Funny jokes-Beggars in London

Javed and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of London.

Habib begs just as long as Javed but only collects 2 to 3 every day.

Javed brings home a suitcase FULL of 10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend..

Habib says to Javed 'I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of 10 notes every day?'

Javed says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Habib's sign reads 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'.

Javed says 'No wonder you only get 2- 3

Habib says... 'So what does your sign say'?

Javed shows Habib his sign...

It reads:

'I only need another 10 to move back to Pakistan'.

Redneck Mom's Letter To Son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved.

Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with 'em for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funeral bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him, and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love,
Mom

P.S. I was going to send you some money, but the envelope was already sealed.

Hilarious jokes-Ski trip to Utah

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written in this account by a New Orleans paper.

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart.

Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, the "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom.

He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress.

He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help matters.

So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of her pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white would provide more than adequate camouflage.

So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a wrong way to set your skis so you don't move.

Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments.

Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them and onto another slope.

Her derriere and her reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued on backwards, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon.

The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants.

At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported her to a hospital.

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.

"So how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.

"It was the damnedest thing you ever saw," he said, "I was riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes and her pants down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look, and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift. So, how'd you break your arm?"

Really funny jokes-Run over

Q: What's the difference between a pot of lobsters and a group of Japanese tourists who've just been run over by a steamroller?

A: There's no difference, they're all crustaceans ("crushed Asians").

Short funny jokes-Served on Titanic

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.

And what kind of lettuce?
Iceberg.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

Good jokes-Prisoner's letter to wife

A prisoner in jail received a letter from his wife:
"I have decided to plant some vegetables in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter:
"Dear wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money."

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
"You won't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house and dug up all the back garden."

The prisoner wrote another letter:
"Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the vegetables.

Really funny jokes-Making it to the Olympics

A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman arrived in Sydney too late to buy tickets for the 2000 Olympics. Even the scalpers had nothing to offer.
The three were outside the main stadium and the cheers of the crowd were loud in their ears and every so often the tune of a national anthem would blare out as some athletic event was won.
"Well, we've come this far, laddies," said the Scot. "I'm not going to be beaten." So saying, he looked around for inspiration and suddenly his eyes lit up. He ran to the car park fenced off with barbed wire held in place with long wooden stakes. He uprooted a stake, then stripped down to his singlet and underpants.
His companions watched as, with stake clasped firmly in both hands, he jogged to the competitors' entrance. They heard him say: "McFaddon, pole vault competitor", and watched amazed as he was admitted to the arena.
Inspired, the Englishman looked about; his eyes, lighted on the nearby cars. Without hesitation, he too stripped to his underwear, grabbed a hub cap from a nearby Holden and, jogging to the entrance, announced himself: "Lincoln, I'm expected for the discus event". He too was admitted.
"Sure now," muttered the Irishman, "three can play at that game". So saying, he stripped to his underpants....
But the gateman was not deceived. This figure before him, wrapped in barbed wire and dripping blood from the many small cuts it made was not "O'Leary, for the fencing".

Abo jokes-Court case

A man was bumping over an excuse for a road in his four-wheel-drive, way out past the Black Stump, when he saw an Abo carrying two sheets of corrugated iron and a carton of stubbies.

He stopped to give him a lift, and the Abo chucked the two sheets of corrugated iron and the carton of stubbies in the back of the ute and hopped in beside the driver.

"What the hell are you doing, wandering around the outback with two sheets of corrugated iron and a carton of stubbies?" the driver asked.

"The wife kicked me out," the Abo explained. "We had a court case. She got the kids, and I got the house and contents."

Office jokes-Definitions of Designations:

Definitions of Designations:

* Project Manager is a Person who thinks nine women can deliver a baby in One month.

* Developer is a Person who thinks it will take 18 months to deliver a Baby.

* Onsite Coordinator is one who thinks single woman can deliver nine babies in one month.

* Client is the one who doesn't know why he wants a baby.

* Marketing Manager is a person who thinks he can deliver a baby even if no man and woman are available.

* Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources.

* Documentation Team thinks they don't care whether the child is delivered, they'll just document 9 months.

* Quality Auditor is the person who is never happy with a delivered baby.

* Tester is a person who always tells that this is not the Right baby.

* HR Manager is a person who thinks that... a Donkey can deliver a Human Baby - if given 9 Months !!!

* HSE – Head …thinks a woman must wear a helmet to deliver a Healthy baby Safely·

* Commercial – Head : - Woman must produce three quotation ( only from ISO certified males) otherwise not baby is not acceptable ·

* Finance Head : Whether Woman delivers a baby or Donkey …Budget & Cash flow must be approved (doesn’t matter when i.e one month / nine months / 18months)

Hilarious jokes-Advice for newlyweds

At a wedding, the D.J. polled the guests to see who had been married the longest.

The winners were then asked, "What advice do you have for the newlyweds?"

The wife quickly responded, "The three most important words in a marriage are 'You're probably right'." Everyone then looked at the husband.

He said, "Yeah, she's probably right!"

Short adult jokes | Out of town

A man takes a girl in his car and stops seven miles out of town, and says he wants to make love to her. She refuses, and walks back. The second night he takes her twelve miles out of town and tells her he really wants to make love to her. She still refuses and walks back. The third night he takes her thirty miles away and lo and behold, she gives in. Afterward, he asks her why she finally gave in. She shrugged and said I'll walk seven miles, even twelve miles, to save a friend of mine from a case of herpes but thirty miles NO WAY !!!!

Really funny jokes-Blood sample from finger

A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken.
The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. She can't find one so she looks innocently at the guy, takes his finger and sucks it.
The guy is so pleased he asks; "Do you think I could have a urine test done?"

Good jokes-Monastery of Silence

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence.
The Priest said, 'Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so. '

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, 'Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words.'

Sister Mary Katherine said, 'Hard bed.'

'I'm sorry to hear that,' the Priest said, 'We will get you a better bed.'

After another 5 years, she was summoned by the Priest.

'You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.'

'Cold food,' said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office. 'You may say two words today.'

'I quit,' said Sister Mary Katherine.

'It's probably best,' said the Priest, 'You've done nothing but whine since you got here.'

Short funny jokes - Doctor and patient

Patient: May I have a glass of water, doctor. Doctor: Are you thirsty?
Patient: No... I just wanted to check whether my throat leaks.

Doctor jokes - Test

Doctor: Mr. Krish, you look exhausted. Krish: I am. When your nurse phoned me yesterday and told me that I have to come today for a blood test, I spent the whole night studying for it.

Really funny jokes-You Know You're Getting Older (Part 3)

- The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.
- You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.
- You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.
- You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.
- You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.
- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
- You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
- You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.
- You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.
- Let's face it, traveling just isn't as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.
- Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.
- You're suffering from alzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.
- Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Clean jokes-Mental deficiency

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history..'

Adult jokes - Much to say

Paul picked this woman up in a nightclub and took her home. While they were walking home he didn't say a thing.
"You're not the communicative type, are you?" she said as they were undressing.

"Nah," Paul replied and pulled out his old fella. "I do all my talking with this."

"Damn," said the girl as she leaned forward to look. "You don't have much to say, do you?"

Funny jokes-Chicken met James Bond

A chicken crossed the road and met James Bond,

'What's your name?' asked the chicken,

'Bond, James Bond. What's yours?'

'Ken, Chick Ken.'

Yo mama jokes-So huge

* Yo mama's nostrils are so huge she makes Patrick Ewing jealous.
* Yo mama lost at Hide N' Seek when I spotted her behind the Himalayas.
* Yo mama's so hunchbacked, she has to look up to tie her shoes.
* Yo mama fell down on the sidewalk and by the time she got back up she made $1.50.
*Yo mama's cookin' is so bad, even the roaches say "Naw man, I ate before I came over."

Adult jokes - Putting body parts to sleep

"Doc, I can't sleep anymore," the man complained. "I've tried everything, but I just toss and turn.""You have to learn to relax," the doctor said. "Try putting each part of your body to sleep separately." That night the guy crawled into bed, got comfortable and started to talk to his body."Toes, go to sleep," he whispered."Feet, go to sleep. Legs, go to sleep. Hips, go to sleep. Stomach, go to sleep" Just then, his wife walked in wearing a transparent teddy. Her husband opened one eye, then lifted his head from the pillow. "OK," he shouted, "up, up...everybody up!"

Really funny jokes-Murphy's laws of flying

1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the normal delay in order to make it on time.

2. If you ARE running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.

3. If you arrive very early for a flight, it will inevitably be delayed.

4. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.

5. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper.

6. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.

7. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.

8. The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.

9. The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.

10. The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

Hilarious jokes-Couple in the cab

The honeymoon couple left the wedding reception and hailed a cab to take them to their romantic boutique hotel in the hills.

The driver wasn't too sure how to get there, so told the couple he would ask directions when they got closer to their destination.

Meanwhile, the lovers couldn't wait to get busy, so they got down to business in the back seat.
During the couple's moment of passion, the cab driver noticed a fork in the road, and said,
"I take the next turn, right?"

"No way, get your own," said the groom, "this one's all mine!"

Good jokes-There is somebody under my bed

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a Psychiatrist and told him I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the psychiatrist. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.'

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you,' I said.

Six months later the Psychiatrist met me on the street.

'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV.

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to cut the legs off the bed - ain't nobody under there now! '

Blonde jokes-Inneundo

Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?

A: An Italian suppository.

Funny jokes-For the Ladies

One night Scott was getting very drunk in a pub.

He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his wanker out as he went in the door.

However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can.

"This is for ladies!" she screamed!!

Scott waved his wanker at her and said, "So is this!"

Office jokes-Excuses for being late to work

Ten Excuses Why You Were Late To Work
1. I dreamed that I was fired, so I didn't bother to get out of bed.
2. I had to take my cat to the dentist.
3. I went all the way to the office and realized I was still in my pajamas and had to go home to change.
4. I saw that you weren't in the office, so I went out looking for you.
5. I couldn't find the right tie, so I had to wait for the stores to open so I could buy one.
6. My son tried to flush our ferret down the toilet and I needed to tend to the ferret.
7. I ran over a goat.
8. I stopped for a bagel sandwich, the store was robbed and the police required everyone to stay for questioning.
9. A bee flew in my car and attacked me and I had to pull over.
10. I wet my pants and went home to change.

Short funny jokes-Queer's favorite dish

Q. What's a queer's favorite dish in a Chinese restaurant?

A. Cream of Sum Yung Guy.

Clean jokes funny-Nose ring attached to earring

I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!"

I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned....

They Walk Among Us !

Adult jokes - Apartment for rent

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
'Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.

However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check f or $250 with the following note:
'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.

So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady...

Adult jokes - The knob

A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.' Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems. All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them.' 

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your assets.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

Short hilarious jokes-Politicians and pornstars

Question. What do politicians and pornstars have in common?

Answer. They are experts in switching positions in front of a camera!

Really funny jokes-Only in America

1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille.

Britney Spears

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were walking along the beach. Suddenly, Justin says, "Aww, Britney, look at the dead birdie."

Britney looks up at the sky and says, "Where?!"

Short adult jokes - Seamen

What is long, hard and has lots of seamen in it?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A submarine

Funny jokes-You know you're getting Older (Part 2)

You know you're getting older when .....

- You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.
- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.
- Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
- Happy hour is a nap.
- When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.
- Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
- Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
- The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
- It takes twice as long to look half as good.

Animal jokes-Talking dog

A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."

Bartender: "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."

Man: "What covers a house?"

Dog: "Roof!"

Man: "How does sandpaper feel?"

Dog: "Rough!"

Man: "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"

Dog: "Ruth!"

Man: "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"

Adult jokes-The Cock And Hens

The priest in a small village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning. During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up."No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up."No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up."No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?" All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

Really funny jokes-Two ladies talking in Heaven

Two Ladies Talking in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.

What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack... I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer..we'd both still be alive.

Funy video jokes - Practical joke

Funny jokes-You Know You're Getting Older (Part 1)

You know you're getting older

- When your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
- When your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.
- When a hot babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.
- When you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
- When your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"
- Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
- When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
- You know you're getting old when your semi-annual erection becomes an annual semi-erection!
- You and your teeth don't sleep together.
- Your back goes out, but you stay home.

Short hilarious jokes-Lifesaving tool

My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped.

She keeps it in the car trunk!

Adult jokes - Yard work

A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill!" She ignores the remark.Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm going to fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."

Really funny jokes-Lost luggage

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.

The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands.

'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'....
(I work with professionals like this.)

Clean jokes-Looks of your wife

After completing his examination, the doctor took her husband aside. "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."

"Me neither, Doc." Said the husband. "But she’s a good cook and the kids seem to like her."

Funny jokes-Who is Jack Schitt?

Who is Jack Schitt?

The Lineage Revealed.

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt". Now, You can handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt,
The twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt,
Fulla Schitt,
Giva Schitt and
Bull Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced.
Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previousname. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse.
Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone say's you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.

Short adult jokes - Men

Men were born between the legs of a woman, yet men spend all their
Life and time trying to go back between the legs of a woman...... Why?

Because ...

Home sweet home !

Really funny jokes-Responses to pick up lines

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

Man: So, wanna go back to my place ?
Woman: Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

Man: I'd like to call you. What's your number?
Woman: It's in the phone book.
Man: But I don't know your name.
Woman: That's in the phone book too.

Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: What sign were you born under?
Woman: No Parking.

Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not Enter

Man: I know how to please a woman.
Woman: Then please leave me alone.

Man: I want to give myself to you.
Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

Man: I can tell that you want me.
Woman: Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you.....to leave.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die
laughing.

Man: Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?
Woman: Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I'd go through anything for you.
Woman: Good! Let's start with your bank account.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

Short hilarious jokes-Dead bird

One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....
'Look at that dead bird!'

Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'

They walk among us!

Short funny jokes - Man Woman

Woman has Man in it;
Mrs. has Mr. in it;
Female has Male in it;
She has He in it;
Madam has Adam in it;
No wonder men always want to be inside women!

Adult jokes - Donation

A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation center.Man: 'What are you doing here today?'Woman: 'Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me 200 bucks for it.'Man: 'Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me 1000 bucks.'The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the same line.Man: 'Hi there! Here to donate blood again?'Woman: (shaking her head with mouth closed) 'Unh unh.'

Really funny jokes-Cut the pizza

While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6.

He thought about it for some time then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.'

Funny jokes-Ten laws of computing

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.

3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.

4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.

7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.

8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

Blonde jokes-Sunburn

My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard a blonde girl talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.

She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving'.

Good jokes-Girlie wisdom

Girlie Wisdom

1. A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills... She has 14 kids but doesn't really care.

2. One of life's mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

3. My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

4. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

5. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you are doing, someone else does.

6. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

7. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today...

8. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

9. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my underwear...

10.... Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

11. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like...'You know sometimes I forget to eat!' .....Now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

12.. The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

13. I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That's my idea of a perfect day!

Short hilarious jokes-Fries at Mc Donald's

I stopped at Mc Donald's and ordered some fries.

The girl behind the counter said "Would you like some fries with that?"

Funny jokes-Sunrise

While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.

She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'

My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime.

She shook her head and said, 'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff.......'

They Walk Among Us!

Animal jokes-Bears in family court

The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court. Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.

So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said "No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly."

"OK," said the judge, "then you want to live with your mother, right?"

"No way!" replied baby bear, "She beats me worse than Papa bear does."

The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. "Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?" asked the judge.

"Yes," answered baby bear, "my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago."

"You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?" asked the judge.

"Oh definitely," said baby bear, "the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody."

Really funny jokes-Knock on Mandela's door

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,
-* "You Sign! You sign!"
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder.
-* "You Sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him,
-* "Look, you´ve obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it,the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads.
He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson´s nose, yelling,
-* "You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:
-* "Look, go away! You´ve got the wrong man! I don´t want them!" Then he slams the door again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again.
On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting,
-* "You sign! You sign!"
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson Mandela loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him:
-* "Look, I don´t want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:
-* "You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

SMS joke in Hindi

Rahul Gandhi: Mom, aapki vajah se meri shaadi nahi ho rahi.

Sonia Gandhi : Kyon?

Rahul Gandhi: Har taraf likha hai, "Sonia ko Bahumat do"

Hilarious jokes-Old fridge

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it...'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice. He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'

The next day someone stole it!