Short funny jokes-Malady

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew,and swallow one inch of the leather every day.
After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

Clean jokes-Wrong bus

A very drunken man gets on a city bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you - You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Good heavens, I'm on the wrong bus!"

Short funny jokes-Milk problem

What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk?
An udder failure

Blonde jokes-Flasing red light

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Really funny jokes-Satan

A few minutes before the church services started. the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.

Short funny jokes-Puns

A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down; I'll fit you in... You'll just have to be a little patient."

Really funny jokes-Blood Race

The junior officers challenged the senior officers at an Air Force Base in North Carolina to see who would donate the most blood.
After trying several times to locate a vein in the left arm of a young first lieutenant, the medical technician applied a Band-Aid, and then inserted a needle into the right arm, drawing blood this time, and then put a Band-Aid on that arm as well.
As he left the collection facility, the lieutenant passed a colonel. Noting the two bandages, he looked at the first lieutenant and shook his head, saying, "I knew you young guys would find some way to cheat."

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Sardar jokes-On the roof

Q. How do you get Sardar on the roof?
A. Tell him the drinks are on the house.

Really funny jokes-Car accident

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry company's fancy hot shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.
'Didn't you say, to the Garda at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?' asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded, 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Garda on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Garda on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Garda came across the road,
gun still in hand, looked at me, And said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the Fock would you say?'

Clean jokes-Tools

My husband's skills with do-it-yourself home repairs are at best mediocre.
After spending several evenings trying to fix a leak in the bathroom, he finally admitted defeat and called a plumber, who finished the job in ten minutes.
Watching him put away his equipment, my son asked what had been the problem.
"Well," the plumber replied, "seems that your father got hold of some tools..."

Really funny jokes-How old?

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don`t try to fool me because I can tell the difference."
The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."
The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don`t want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!"
Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that`s the real thing."
A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I think that`s really far out what you can do. Try this one."
The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!"
The drunk`s eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old am I?"

Short funny jokes-In a hurry

There are two things men really want women to do in a hurry.
Dress
&
Undress !

Really funny jokes-Grocery store

Heavily laden with groceries, my aunt asked a young clerk at the grocery store to accompany her to her car. Arriving there, she unlocked and opened the doors and, without thinking, sat down in the back seat to check off her list of errands.
A moment later, the perplexed clerk walked around the car to my aunt.
"Lady," he said firmly, "I don't mind helping you load your groceries, but I really gotta draw the line at driving you home.

Kids jokes-Higher power

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'
One child blurted out, 'Aces!'

Short funny jokes-Relax

Where do judges go to relax?
To the tennis court.

Really funny jokes-The Salvation Army

A guy who worked with my brother was transferred to the city where I live. My brother called me and said this guy had cerebral palsy and would need to hire some people to help him unload his van and trailer when he got there. My brother asked if I had any ideas of where his co-worker might find some day workers to help.
The Salvation Army had just had an article in the daily paper about a new program they had to get people down-and-out on their luck some day jobs. I told that to my brother and he said he`d tell the guy who was transferring.
Later that day my brother called back to say he happened to hear his co-worker, who was using a speaker phone, call the Salvation Army in my city. He had dialed the number I provided. Someone answered his call and said, "Salvation Army."
"What do you do?" asked the man.
"We save wicked men and women," came the reply.
He said, "Well, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night and please send a couple of wickedly strong guys to help me move-in to my new apartment on Friday."

Clean jokes-The cashier

I was checking out at the busy Super Market, and the cashier was having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner malfunctioned, and finally the cashier spilled a handful of coins.
When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22. Trying to soothe her nerves, I said, "That's a nice round figure."
Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, "You're no bean pole yourself!"

Sardar jokes-Hold on

Q. What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
A. Trying to hold on to a thought.

Really funny jokes-Negative hairdresser

A woman was at her hairdresser' s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: 'Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?'
We're taking Continental, ' was the reply. 'We got a great rate!'
'Continental? ' exclaimed the hairdresser. ' That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?'
'We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste.'
'Don't go any further I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly,and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?'
'We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.
'That's rich,' laughed the hairdresser. 'You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.'
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
'It was wonderful,' explained the woman, 'not only were we on time in one of Continental' s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
'And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!'
'Well,' muttered the hairdresser, 'that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the
Pope.'
'Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
'Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt
down and he spoke a few words to me.
'Oh, really!What'd he say ?'
He said: 'Where'd you get the shitty Hairdo?'

Short funny jokes-Domain names

Girls are like internet domain names...
The ones I like are already taken.

Clean jokes funny-Shepherd dog

Maury the shepherd sent his sheep-dog out to gather and count the flock to make sure none were missing. The dog returns and says that there are 40 sheep.
Maury: "40? I only started with 38!"
Dog: "Yeah, but you told me to round them up."

Clean jokes-Groom's family

Four novice nuns were about to take their vows. Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior, and were about to undergo the ceremony to marry them to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."
Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards came in and sat in the front row.
The Mother Superior said to them, "I am honored that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?"
One of the Jews replied, "We're from the groom's family."

Short funny jokes-Fine for parking!

Policeman: You cant park your car here.
Driver: Why not?
Policeman: Read that sign.
Driver: I did. it says, "Fine for parking", so I parked.

Short jokes for kids-Closer

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

Short jokes-Vampire on snowman

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Kids jokes-Unanswered prayer

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. 'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'
'How come He doesn't do it?' she asked.

Really funny jokes-How to sell toothbrushes

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes, " said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes, " echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!"
Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

Short funny jokes-Smoke

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You're too young to smoke!

Blonde jokes-Donation

A blonde's son: Dad, there is some one at the door collecting
donations for a swimming pool.
Blonde dad: Give him a glass of water.

Really funny jokes-Doll

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"
Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."
"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

Short funny jokes-Arrest

A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'

Short funny jokes-Three wise women

Do you know what would have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men?
They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.

Funny Animal Jokes - Dog

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most Unusual funeral procession A funeral coffin was followed by a second one About 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man Walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in Single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, And I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral Like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is It?"

The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first One asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Join the queue."

Really funny jokes-God's creation

At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything,including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said,
"Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Really funny jokes-History of the Internet

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable. We shall call it UPS for short."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.
A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as the greedy horsefly takes to camel dung. He and his followers came to be known as Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed, he did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and
drumsticks.
Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay," he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "How about Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators?"
Abraham paused for a moment and then smiled. "YAHOO!" he called out. "Splendid idea!"
And that is how it all began.

Short funny jokes-Prison inmate

Q: What did one Illinois prison inmate say to the other?
A: "The food was better when you were Governor."

Blonde jokes-Go to bed

Last Xmas, a blonde was given a gift certificate from Bloomingdale' s for a rather elaborate and expensive foreign made coffee-an-latte machine, by one of her admirers. It had all the latest gadgets, bells and whistles on it.
Knowing her propensity for getting instructions mixed up, she went to the store to pick it up and get some first hand instructions on the electric machines operation. The salesman carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go to bed, and upon rising, the coffee would be ready."
A few weeks later, she returned to the store and the salesman inquired as to how she liked the coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" She replied, "However, there's one thing that really"bugs me" and I don't quite understand.
Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"

Clean jokes-Confession

Brian ducked into a confessional booth with a turkey in his hands.
A moment later, the priest stepped into the adjoining booth.
"Forgive me, Father," Brian confessed, "for I have sinned. I have stolen this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"
"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."
"I tried," Brian said, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"
The Priest thought for a moment and then said, "Well, if what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."
"Thank you, Father," Brian said. He then hurried off.
When his day was done, the Priest left the church and returned to his house. When he walked into his kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

Short funny jokes-Rednecks

You may be a Redneck if you think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

- You may be a Redneck if you let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table... in front of her kids.

- You may be a Redneck if you think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.