Adult jokes-Black eye

Little Johnny's teacher noticed that he was sporting a black eye. She asked him what happened, and he replied, "Ma'am, you remember I told you how I sleep on the floor next to my parent's bed? Well, last night, my dad asked me if I was still awake, I said yes and then he punched me in the face."
"Ok, Johnny", the teacher said, trying to help, " the next time your dad asks you if you're still awake, don't answer, just lay still and pretend to be asleep."
All went well, until a few weeks later, Little Johnny came to class with another black eye. The teacher asked him why he didn't follow her advice.
Johnny explained, "Ma'am, I tried to, when dad asked me if I was awake, I kept quiet and lay really still, and pretended to be asleep, but then Dad said 'I'm coming', and Mom said 'I'm coming too', and I didn't want them to go anywhere without me, so I shouted, 'Let me just put on my slippers, I'm coming too' and that's when I got punched in the face."

Short funny jokes-Malady

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew,and swallow one inch of the leather every day.
After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

Really funny jokes-Little Tony

Little Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?'
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sexual intercourse, darling.'
Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy 's mom wants to talk to you...

Clean jokes-Wrong bus

A very drunken man gets on a city bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.
She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you - You're going straight to hell!"
The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Good heavens, I'm on the wrong bus!"

Adult jokes-Compulsive gambler

There was this 5-year-old boy named Johnny, and he was very wise in the ways of the world. His problem was that he was a compulsive gambler and couldn't resist making all these outrageous wagers.
"Hey Dad! Behind that pine tree you'll see two squirrels doing it!"
The father was understandably shocked. "Son, how could you say such things? There are no squirrels doing anything."
"Hey Dad, I just speak the facts. If I win, you pay me 5 dollars, if I lose, I pay you 10 dollars. That is a very reasonable offer."
The father agrees to the wager. They walk over to the pine tree, and sure enough two squirrels are coupling. So the father forks over the five dollars as he promised.
It so happened that September was just around the corner, and Little Johnny had to start kindergarten. Needless to say, the father did not want Johnny making his wagers with other innocent children. So he calls the kindergarten teacher to warn her of his son.
"Err... Ms. Smith, I want to tell you that my son Johnny is prone to make explicit sexual remarks and even wager money on such. Could you please disabuse him of such a filthy habit by any means necessary?"
The teacher says she will try.
So the first day of class starts. Not even five minutes pass on the first day when Little Johnny pipes up. "Hey Ms. Smith! I will bet 50 dollars that you have brown pubic hair!"
Obviously the teacher was flabberghasted by Little Johnny's remarks. She grabs his ear and hauls him to a side room. "I oughta spank you and wash out your mouth with a bar of Lava soap, you filthy little boy!"
Little Johnny took this all in stride. "Hey Ms. Smith, I just speak the facts. If I win, you don't owe me anything. If you win, I will pay you fifty dollars." Little Johnny even pulls out the wad of bills to show the teacher he is not bluffing.
Now Ms. Smith has blonde pubic hair and she is a severely underpaid kindergarten teacher. Besides, the father did request that she put an end to his wagers. What more appropriate way to end them than to prove him wrong for once in his life? So she peeks out the door to make sure nobody is at the door. She then locks the door and doffs her drawers in front of Little Johnny. Sure enough he can see that her pubic hair is blonde. Downcast he begrudgingly forks over the wad of money he bet.
"Now Johnny, I trust that you will never make any bets ever again."
Now Ms. Smith is quite proud of her little victory (and making a little change on the side). She calls up the father to tell of her success. "I am pleased to report that your son will never be wagering again."
The father is quite curious as to how she did it.
"Well, err... You did say use any means necessary. Johnny bet me that I had brown pubic hair and, well... err... I proved him wrong."
"Just how did you prove Johnny wrong?!"
"Well, uhhh... I took Johnny into a side room and I showed him my genitalia." Ms. Smith was quite nervous at this point.
"That goddamn son-of-a-bitch! He bet me 100 dollars that you'd take your underwear off on the first day of class....!"

Short funny jokes-Milk problem

What do you call a cow that doesn't give milk?
An udder failure

Really funny jokes-Inquisitive

Mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Singapore Airlines from Singapore to New York.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes???? '
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the pretty flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, 'If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?'
The flight attendant responded, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me that?' The little boy admitted that she did.
Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Singapore Airlines always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you.'!!!

Blonde jokes-Flasing red light

Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Really funny jokes-Who are you seeing?

His aunt asked him, "You're a homosexual? Are you seeing a psychiatrist?"
"No," Mikey said, "I'm seeing a lieutenant in the army."

Adult humor jokes-Male Instructional Guide For Relationships

The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e., relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out -- while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay"?
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

Really funny jokes-Satan

A few minutes before the church services started. the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.

Short funny jokes-Puns

A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!"
The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down; I'll fit you in... You'll just have to be a little patient."

Really funny jokes-Blood Race

The junior officers challenged the senior officers at an Air Force Base in North Carolina to see who would donate the most blood.
After trying several times to locate a vein in the left arm of a young first lieutenant, the medical technician applied a Band-Aid, and then inserted a needle into the right arm, drawing blood this time, and then put a Band-Aid on that arm as well.
As he left the collection facility, the lieutenant passed a colonel. Noting the two bandages, he looked at the first lieutenant and shook his head, saying, "I knew you young guys would find some way to cheat."

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Adult jokes-Harley Davidson

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?'
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented, 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!'
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension.
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much.
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on..'
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.
'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.'

Sardar jokes-On the roof

Q. How do you get Sardar on the roof?
A. Tell him the drinks are on the house.

Really funny jokes-Car accident

A farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry company's fancy hot shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.
'Didn't you say, to the Garda at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?' asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded, 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Garda on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor, 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Garda on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Garda came across the road,
gun still in hand, looked at me, And said, 'How are you feeling?'
'Now what the Fock would you say?'

Clean jokes-Tools

My husband's skills with do-it-yourself home repairs are at best mediocre.
After spending several evenings trying to fix a leak in the bathroom, he finally admitted defeat and called a plumber, who finished the job in ten minutes.
Watching him put away his equipment, my son asked what had been the problem.
"Well," the plumber replied, "seems that your father got hold of some tools..."

Really funny jokes-How old?

A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don`t try to fool me because I can tell the difference."
The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch."
The bartender tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I don`t want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!"
Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that`s the real thing."
A disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I think that`s really far out what you can do. Try this one."
The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!"
The drunk`s eyes light up and he says, "Yeah, now how old am I?"

Short funny jokes-In a hurry

There are two things men really want women to do in a hurry.
Dress
&
Undress !

Adult jokes-Bragging cowboys

Three cowboys, one from Texas, one from Kansas and one from Oklahoma went into a bar bragging about who was the baddest of the three.
The Texan said watch this and yelled at the barmaid, "Hey, barmaid. Bring me a pitcher of beer and get your ass over here".
When the barmaid got there the Texan guzzled down the whole pitcher, laid his hand on the table, whipped out his forty-five and shot off one of his fingers.
She was startled.
The cowboy from Kansas yelled out, "Hey, bitch, bring me a beer with a shot of tequila and get your ass over here with it".
Upon the barmaid getting there, he drank the beer and tequila down, laid his hand on the table, whipped out his forty-five and shot off two fingers.
The barmaid was terrified at this, especially after just witnessing the Texan.
The Oklahoma cowboy spoke out and told the barmaid, "Honey, bring me a whole bottle of tequila and hurry".
Upon her arrival, he drank the entire bottle of tequila, unzipped his pants and slams his dick on the table.
The barmaid screamed, "You aren't going to shoot that off are you?"
"Hell no, I want you to kiss it. It will go off by itself".

Really funny jokes-Grocery store

Heavily laden with groceries, my aunt asked a young clerk at the grocery store to accompany her to her car. Arriving there, she unlocked and opened the doors and, without thinking, sat down in the back seat to check off her list of errands.
A moment later, the perplexed clerk walked around the car to my aunt.
"Lady," he said firmly, "I don't mind helping you load your groceries, but I really gotta draw the line at driving you home.

Kids jokes-Higher power

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a Higher Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?'
One child blurted out, 'Aces!'

Short funny jokes-Relax

Where do judges go to relax?
To the tennis court.

Really funny jokes-The Salvation Army

A guy who worked with my brother was transferred to the city where I live. My brother called me and said this guy had cerebral palsy and would need to hire some people to help him unload his van and trailer when he got there. My brother asked if I had any ideas of where his co-worker might find some day workers to help.
The Salvation Army had just had an article in the daily paper about a new program they had to get people down-and-out on their luck some day jobs. I told that to my brother and he said he`d tell the guy who was transferring.
Later that day my brother called back to say he happened to hear his co-worker, who was using a speaker phone, call the Salvation Army in my city. He had dialed the number I provided. Someone answered his call and said, "Salvation Army."
"What do you do?" asked the man.
"We save wicked men and women," came the reply.
He said, "Well, save me a wicked woman for Saturday night and please send a couple of wickedly strong guys to help me move-in to my new apartment on Friday."

Adult jokes-Middle aged woman

The middle-aged woman sought help from her doctor. "All my husband does is complain that I never want to have sex with him. And he's right too. I have no desire at all."
The doctor gave her a prescription and told her to return for a visit in two weeks.
After the two weeks were up, she bounced smiling into his office. "Those pills were great Doc, I'm doin' it twice a night now."
"That's wonderful." said the doctor, "What does your husband say now?"
"How should I know?" she replied. "I ain't been home yet."

Clean jokes-The cashier

I was checking out at the busy Super Market, and the cashier was having problems. The register ran out of paper, the scanner malfunctioned, and finally the cashier spilled a handful of coins.
When she totaled my order, it came to exactly $22. Trying to soothe her nerves, I said, "That's a nice round figure."
Still frazzled, she glared at me and said, "You're no bean pole yourself!"

Really funny jokes-Drunk guy

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home.
As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk. So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.
Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.
This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.
By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said........ .."Not so strong tonight, are you Batman?"

Adult jokes-Tattoo

A girl fell in love with a sailor and had his picture tattooed on her right breast. The romance waned.
In due time, she fell in love with a soldier and had his picture tattooed on her left breast. This romance also waned.
Sometime later, she fell in love with a marine and married him.
That night when they were undressing for bed he began to laugh. She asked, "What in the world is so funny?"
He said, "Oh, I'm just thinking what long faces those two guys are going to have in about ten years from now."

Sardar jokes-Hold on

Q. What is the Sardar doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
A. Trying to hold on to a thought.

Really funny jokes-Negative hairdresser

A woman was at her hairdresser' s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: 'Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?'
We're taking Continental, ' was the reply. 'We got a great rate!'
'Continental? ' exclaimed the hairdresser. ' That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?'
'We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste.'
'Don't go any further I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly,and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?'
'We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.
'That's rich,' laughed the hairdresser. 'You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it.'
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
'It was wonderful,' explained the woman, 'not only were we on time in one of Continental' s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
'And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!'
'Well,' muttered the hairdresser, 'that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the
Pope.'
'Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
'Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt
down and he spoke a few words to me.
'Oh, really!What'd he say ?'
He said: 'Where'd you get the shitty Hairdo?'

Short funny jokes-Domain names

Girls are like internet domain names...
The ones I like are already taken.

Clean jokes funny-Shepherd dog

Maury the shepherd sent his sheep-dog out to gather and count the flock to make sure none were missing. The dog returns and says that there are 40 sheep.
Maury: "40? I only started with 38!"
Dog: "Yeah, but you told me to round them up."

Adult jokes-Poor Husband's Problem

After his exam the doctor asks his elderly patient, 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
'In fact I do,' says the old man. 'After I have sex with my wife, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and shivery.'
The doctor then examines his elderly wife, then asks her, 'Everything appears to be fine.
Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'
The lady replies that she has no questions or concerns.
The doctor then asks her, 'Your husband has an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and shivery after the second time.
Do you have any idea why that may be so?'
'Oh that!' she exclaims.
'That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is in January!'

Clean jokes-Groom's family

Four novice nuns were about to take their vows. Dressed in their white gowns, they came into the chapel with the Mother Superior, and were about to undergo the ceremony to marry them to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."
Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews with yarmulkes, long sideburns and long beards came in and sat in the front row.
The Mother Superior said to them, "I am honored that you would want to share this experience with us, but do you mind if I ask you why you came?"
One of the Jews replied, "We're from the groom's family."

Jokes funny-Bait

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean in a crab trap. We hauled her up to the deck, and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl, and re-bait the trap."

Really funny jokes-Wrong side of the bed

Mother Superior was on her way to late morning prayers, when she passed two novices just leaving early morning prayers, on their way to classes. As she passed the young ladies, Mother Superior said, 'Good morning sisters.'
The novices replied, 'Good morning, Mother Superior, may God be with you.' But after they had passed, Mother Superior heard one say to the other, 'I think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning.' This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.
A little further down the hall, Mother Superior passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching at the convent for several years. She greeted them with, 'Good morning Sister Martha, Sister Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today.'
'Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you.' But again, after passing, Mother Superior overheard, 'She got out of the wrong side of bed today.' Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken harshly, or with an irritated look on her face. She vowed to be more pleasant.
Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker. Mother Superior had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on her face, before greeting Sister Mary. 'Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see you up and about. I pray God watches over you today, and grants you a wonderful day.'
'Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior and thank you. I see you got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.' Mother Superior was floored!
'Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have tried to be pleasant, but three times already today, people have said that about me.'
Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face.
'Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior. It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers.

Short funny jokes-Fine for parking!

Policeman: You cant park your car here.
Driver: Why not?
Policeman: Read that sign.
Driver: I did. it says, "Fine for parking", so I parked.

Short jokes for kids-Closer

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

Short jokes-Vampire on snowman

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Adult jokes-Things not to say during sex

* Hurry up, the game's about to start.
* You're so much like your sister . . .
* Your best friend does it much better.
* Stop moaning, you sound so stupid.
* Of course you can't be on top, you're too fat, you'll kill me!
* It's OK honey, I can just imagine that it's bigger.
* (phone rings) Hello? ... Oh nothing much. You? Just hanging around ...

Kids jokes-Unanswered prayer

The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why. 'Well, Honey,' he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages. 'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.'
'How come He doesn't do it?' she asked.

Really funny jokes-How to sell toothbrushes

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes, " said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes, " echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!"
Then I would say, "It is shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

Short funny jokes-Smoke

What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
You're too young to smoke!

Adult jokes-Luck with the girls

Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!'
The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick!
So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong now?'
JAHEESUS!' said the lifeguard, 'Mate. The potato goes in front!'

Blonde jokes-Donation

A blonde's son: Dad, there is some one at the door collecting
donations for a swimming pool.
Blonde dad: Give him a glass of water.

Sardar jokes-Furniture business

A Sardar furniture dealer decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally
selected a new range of furniture that he thought would sell well back home in India.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a pub and have a glass of wine.
As he sat down enjoying his wine, soon enough, a very beautiful & attractive young lady came to his table, asked him
something in French (which he did not understand), and motioned towards the chair.
He invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in Hindi, Punjabi & English, but she did not speak or know any of these
languages. So, after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it her.
She nodded, and he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and
she nodded.
They left the pub and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Then, after they were back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a bed.
.... Would you believe it.. Till this day, the Sardar has no idea how she figured out that he was in the furniture business!!!!

Dirty jokes-Tennis ball

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball. Seeing no one around that it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts. "What's that?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful. I had tennis elbow once."

Really funny jokes-Doll

A man comes home with his little daughter, whom he has just taken to work. The little girl asks, "I saw you in your office with your secretary. Why do you call her a doll?"
Feeling his wife's gaze upon him, the man explains, "Well, honey, my secretary is a very hard-working girl. She types like you wouldn't believe, she knows the computer system and is very efficient."
"Oh," says the little girl, "I thought it was because she closed her eyes when you lay her down on the couch."

Adult jokes-Peaches

Texas Rancher was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 40 something lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"
The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.
Then the lady unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying. The lady asked, "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn and now I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."

Short funny jokes-Arrest

A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'

Adult jokes-Fix

Lori, the pert and pretty Nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me." she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week. "I see." nodded the psychiatrist. "And you want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter?" "For God's sake, no!" exclaimed the Nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterwards."

Really funny jokes-Therapy

A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years hey had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.

Adult humor jokes-Tasted different

A young gay man is confronted by some of his friends and told that he may be drinking a bit too much and it seems like it may be getting in the way of his work and effecting some of his relationships. His friends are concerned that he may need to seek help...
He took their feelings to heart and joined AA. At the end of a year of dedication he is clean and sober and gets his "pin" showing his progress (of one year being clean and sober)...
He then thinks, he has wanted to stop smoking for awhile, could he use the same principles he used in AA to stop smoking? He sets himself on the path and does so...
By the second year when he gets his pin from AA, his is tobacco free... and has a small dinner party to celebrate the fact. When he get together with his friends, they are amazed at what good health he is in... and amazed that he is not only alchol free but also tabacco free. They applaud his dedication.
About a year later he has another dinner party and announces to all his friends that he is "no longer gay".
His straight friends as well as his gay friends are totally amazed at this. No one believes he has managed to change so much in is life.
"Did you do the same things you did to stop drinking and smoking?" many asked.
"Was it just a choice of lifestyle change" others asked. "Was it some type of religious revelation?" was even asked...
"No.... nothing so drastic" he replied.... "Its just when I quite smoking I found everything tasted different... .."

Short funny jokes-Three wise women

Do you know what would have happened if it had been three Wise Women instead of three Wise Men?
They would have asked directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts.

Funny Animal Jokes - Dog

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a most Unusual funeral procession A funeral coffin was followed by a second one About 50 feet behind the first. Behind the second coffin was a solitary man Walking with a black dog. Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in Single line. The man couldn't stand his curiosity.

He approached the man walking with the dog, "I am so sorry for your loss, And I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral Like this with so many of you walking in single line. Whose funeral is It?"

The man replied, "Well, that first coffin is for my wife."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second coffin?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog attacked and killed her also."

A thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men. Then the first One asks in excitement, "Can I borrow the dog?"

The man replied, "Join the queue."

Dirty jokes-Husband or wife?

A nerdy accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a cell with a huge evil looking guy. The big guy says, "I want to have some sex. You wanna be the husband or the wife?" The accountant replies, "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I'd rather be the husband." The big guy says, "Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife's d**k."

Really funny jokes-God's creation

At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything,including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said,
"Johnny, what is the matter?"
Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."

Adult jokes-Two Strangers

Two strangers, a man and a woman, meet in a cafe.
The man asks, "My Dear, would you go to bed with me for a million dollars?"
"A million dollars?" the woman inquired. "Well, yes, I guess I would."
"OK," the man said. "Would you go to bed with me for $100?"
The woman was aghast. "What kind of person do you think I am?" she exclaimed.
The man replied, "My Dear, we have already established that. We are merely haggling over the price!"

Really funny jokes-History of the Internet

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable. We shall call it UPS for short."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.
A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as the greedy horsefly takes to camel dung. He and his followers came to be known as Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed, he did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and
drumsticks.
Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay," he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are." And Dot replied, "How about Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators?"
Abraham paused for a moment and then smiled. "YAHOO!" he called out. "Splendid idea!"
And that is how it all began.

Short funny jokes-Prison inmate

Q: What did one Illinois prison inmate say to the other?
A: "The food was better when you were Governor."

Adult jokes-Neutered

A woman had her dog neutered because she was told it would curb the animal's aggression. But the next day it savaged the postman.
"I'm so sorry," she said, rushing to the man's aid. "I was told he'd stop attacking people if I had him neutered."
"Lady," said the postman, picking himself off the ground, "you should have had his teeth pulled. I knew when he came out the door he wasn't going to make love to me "

Blonde jokes-Go to bed

Last Xmas, a blonde was given a gift certificate from Bloomingdale' s for a rather elaborate and expensive foreign made coffee-an-latte machine, by one of her admirers. It had all the latest gadgets, bells and whistles on it.
Knowing her propensity for getting instructions mixed up, she went to the store to pick it up and get some first hand instructions on the electric machines operation. The salesman carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go to bed, and upon rising, the coffee would be ready."
A few weeks later, she returned to the store and the salesman inquired as to how she liked the coffee maker.
"Wonderful!" She replied, "However, there's one thing that really"bugs me" and I don't quite understand.
Why do I have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee?"

Really funny jokes-Ball

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Wisconsin State Trooper walked to her car window and flipped open his ticket book. She said, 'I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Trooper's Ball. He replied, 'Wisconsin State Troopers don't have balls'. There was a moment of silence.! He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.

Clean jokes-Confession

Brian ducked into a confessional booth with a turkey in his hands.
A moment later, the priest stepped into the adjoining booth.
"Forgive me, Father," Brian confessed, "for I have sinned. I have stolen this turkey to feed my family. Would you take it and settle my guilt?"
"Certainly not," said the Priest. "As penance, you must return it to the one from whom you stole it."
"I tried," Brian said, "but he refused. Oh, Father, what should I do?"
The Priest thought for a moment and then said, "Well, if what you say is true, then it is all right for you to keep it for your family."
"Thank you, Father," Brian said. He then hurried off.
When his day was done, the Priest left the church and returned to his house. When he walked into his kitchen, he found that someone had stolen his turkey.

Adult jokes-V sweater

It happened on the corner of Broadway and 47th Street. The girl leaned against the building, running her fingers through her bleached hair and smiling more than-casually at the male passers-by. She wore a plaid skirt and a low-cut V-neck sweater.
Finally, one of her comehither looks paid off and she was approached by a young man with a familiar glint in his eye. "Hi," he said, undressing her mentally.
"Hello, handsome."
His eyes focused on her sweater and the curves it almost covered. "What's the V for?" he asked. "Veronica?"
"Uh-uh. Virgin."
"Oh, come on," he said playfully. "You're a virgin?"
"No," she winked. "It's an old sweater."

Short funny jokes-Rednecks

You may be a Redneck if you think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

- You may be a Redneck if you let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table... in front of her kids.

- You may be a Redneck if you think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.