Adult funny jokes-College freshman

A young male virgin, a shy college freshman, was lucky enough to have a roommate who was considerably more experienced with the opposite sex. When the bashful boy broke down and explained his predicament, his roommate offered to set him up with the campus floozy. "Just take her out to dinner and a show, and then let nature take its course," he explained. "This girl really knows how to go from there." The roommate arranged the date as promised, and the freshman took the coed out for a delightful evening of dining and dancing. On the way home, he parked his car in a dark lane, broke out in shakes and a cold sweat and blurted out: "God, I sure would like to have a little pussy." "I would, too," the girl sighed. "Mine's the size of a bucket!"

Really funny jokes-Why men wear ear rings

I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring, "he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my car."

Adult jokes-Minor surgery

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."
"I know !" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."

Humor jokes-Old "Out of Gas" routine

Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road. "I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."
"No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."
"The 'here after' routine? What's that?", she wanted to know.
"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone!"

Really funny jokes-Victim

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.
This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping.
Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonalds. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also Dec. 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend. So tell your friends to be careful.
P.S. Wal-mart has wallets on sale 2.99 each

Adult humor jokes-Hurts

Boot camp. Duluth, Minnesota. February. Six A.M. Six below zero. The Sergeant bellows "Outta those bunks! Birthday suit inspection! I want you to fall in outside, NOW! Buck nekkid! Stand close enough to make the man in front of you smile! MOVE, YOU FUCKERS!"
The barracks quickly empty, the men fall in and shiver at attention. The Sergeant hollers "LOOSEN RANKS!"
The ranks separate a bit.
The Captain approaches, carrying a swagger stick. With the stick, he swats one of the men across the chest. "Did that hurt, Mister?" the Captain demands.
"No, SIR!" the recruit shouts.
"Why not?" barks the Captain.
"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"
The Captain nods, and moves on down the front rank a bit. He whacks another man across the butt. "Did that hurt, Mister?"
"No, SIR!"
"Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"
Satisfied, the Captain continues on down the rank. He notices that one of the men is sporting a huge erection, and brings his stick down sharply on the proffered target. "Did that hurt, Mister?"
"No, SIR!"
"Why not?"
"Because it belongs to the fellow behind me, SIR!"

Office jokes-Management in scientific terms

The heaviest element known to science is Managerium.
This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus composed of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.
Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization.
Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.

Adult jokes-Sexual encounter

A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter.
He asks her to "go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.
After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice, "Well, just what are you doing?"
She replied, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money just looking."

Really funny jokes-Unique parrot

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.
He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."
The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way."
The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent.
Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night."
He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells."
The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead.
Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing - Chet's nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!

Adult jokes-Going to Vegas

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
"Where are you going?" he asked.
She answered, "I'm going to Las Vegas."
"Now what brought this on?" he asked.
She answered, "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I do for you for free!"
He pondered that for a while, went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.
His wife said, "And just where do you think you are going?"
He replied, "I'm going, too."
"Why?" she asked.
He said, "I just have to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year!"

Blonde jokes-Eggs

Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized!

Really funny jokes-What do you see

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

Doctor jokes-Prescription

A doctor got a call from a very excited woman, “My son just swallowed the aspirins, what shall I do?”
He replied, “Give him a headache, what else?”

Chuck jokes- Pet Rooster

An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The Ticket booking Agent asked, 'Sir, What's that on your shoulder?' The old farmer said, 'That's my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes.' 'I'm sorry Sir, ' said the Ticket Agent. 'We can't allow animals in the theater.' The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie. 'Marge,' whispered Mildred. 'What?' said Marge. 'I think the guy next to me is a pervert.' 'What makes you think so?' asked Marge. 'He undid his pants and he has his thing out.' whispered Mildred. 'Well, don't worry about it,' said Marge. 'Hell, at our age we've seen 'em all'. 'I thought so too,' said Mildred, 'but this one's eatin my popcorn.'

Adult jokes-The arrangement

Five people are on a plane, four guys and one girl. Suddenly the engine stalls and they crash. Miraculously all five of them survive the crash but are stranded on a small deserted island. Since these four guys will need to have their natural urges satisfied, they decided to make up a schedule. Each guy would get a week to dick the woman as much as possible, the next week another guy and so on. This arrangement works out great for years, satisfying both the guys and the nymphomaniac woman until she suddenly dies. The first month went by and it was really awful, second month was really bad, third month was almost unbearable, fourth month rolls around and the guys couldn't handle it anymore so they buried her.

Humor jokes-The blessing

Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and sure enough, the blessed horse came in first.
Charlie followed the priest before the next race. Again, the priest went to the stables and blessed another horse. Charlie quickly put two dollars on that horse and won close to fifty bucks! The priest kept blessing horses and Charlie kept betting on them and they won!
The last race of the day was the biggest and Charlie saw the priest with another horse. He quickly went to his bank and withdrew his life's savings of $20,000 - went back to the racetrack and put it all on that horse!
He watched the race in certain anticipation of leaving a millionaire. The horse was last to cross the line and Charlie was dead broke. He couldn't believe what happened so he went looking for the priest.
He found him and asked, "What happened to that last horse you blessed? Because your blessing didn't work, I've lost all of my money!"
The priest said, "That's the trouble with you. You can't tell the difference between a blessing and Last Rites!"

Adult humor jokes-Living a 100 years

A 100 year old man was having a big birthday party at his nursing home. A TV crew was there to interview the man on this special day.
"Please tell our audience how you managed to live so long," as the reporter.
"Well, I don't ever drink and I've never smoked," replied the old geezer. "And, I make it a point to stay away from wild women."
Just then, there was a loud shriek in the hall. The crew turned to see a nurse run by, followed by an agile looking, older man. The older man carried a foul smelling cigar in one hand and a glass of whisky in the other. As he ran by, he paused for a moment, looked at the crowd and let out a hardy, "He, he, he!" and then continued his pursuit.
"What was that all about?" asked the astonished reporter.
Replied the old geezer, "Please excuse my father - he gets carried away sometimes!"

Really funny jokes-Car Privileges

We had just given our teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning I went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30am our daughter sleepily walked into the kitchen, and I asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, I said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

Clean jokes-Spelling errors

Bernie is walking down High Street in Brooklyn when he notices the following sign in the shop window of 'Moshe's Kosher Emporium' -ALL THE DEVCIES YOU NEED FOR YOUR HOEM
So he goes inside and asks to see Moshe.
"Can I help you, sir?" Moshe asks Bernie.
"I just wanted to point out that you have two spelling errors in the sign you have in your window."
"Yes, I know," says Moshe. "It's a deliberate marketing policy. You see, we get around a dozen people coming in here each day to point this out to us, and of these, at least 3 or 4 buy something. And now that you're in here, sir, can I interest you in our special low price for a kitchen table and four chairs?"

Adult jokes-Three hymns

One Sunday, a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He added that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed and collected, the pastor saw that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation. "Someone has blessed us with a $1,000 donation!" he announced. "Please let me know who you are. I want to personally thank you."
A woman in the back of the church who looked to be in her late 40's raised her hand.
"Please come up front," the pastor said. The woman made her way up front.
"Thank you for your wonderfully generous gift to the church," the pastor said. "Please, I would like you to pick out three hymns."
The woman's eyes brightened. She looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the church and said, "I'll take him and him and him!"

Really funny jokes-The gift

Ray was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was very angry.
She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!'
The next morning Ray got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and indeed found something that Ray believes can go from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds ... .. a new bathroom scale for her.

Adult jokes-Exhibitionist

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was collecting tickets. So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."

Doctor jokes-Constipation

An old lady went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.
“It’s terrible,” she said, “I haven’t moved my bowels in a week.”
“I see. Have you done anything about it?” asked the doctor.
“Naturally,” she replied, “I sit in the bathroom for a half- hour in the morning and again at night.”
“No,” the doctor said, “I mean do you take anything?”
“Naturally,” she answered, “I take a book.”

Adult jokes-Skin tight pants

A man walked into a bar and sat down next to an extremely gorgeous woman.
The first thing he noticed about her was her pants. They were skin-tight, high-waisted and had no obvious mechanism (zipper, buttons or velcro) for opening them.
After several minutes of puzzling over how she got the pants up over her hips, he finally worked up the nerve to ask her.
"Excuse me, miss," he asked, "but how do you get into your pants?"
"Well," she replied, "You can start by buying me a drink..."

Really funny jokes-Bad news and terrible news

George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.
"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" George was stunned? "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

Adult jokes-Orgasm for a woman

There Are At Least EIGHT Types Of ORGASM FOR A WOMAN.
1. The Optimist - Oh Yes, Oh Yes, Oh Yes......... ......
2. The Pessimist - Oh No, Oh No, Oh No.......... .......
3. The Confused - Oh Yes, Oh No, Oh Yes, Oh No.........
4. The Traveler - Ahh, I'm coming, I'm coming...... ....
5. The Religious - Oh God, Oh God......... ......... ....
6. The Userer - Ahh, More, More, More........ ......... .
7. The Murderer - Ahh, If you take it out, I'll kill you
8. The Submariner - Mmm...OHHH.. .Deeper.. .Deeper.. . GO DEEPER!!

Sardar jokes-35 runs

In one local cricket match, a Sardar raised his bat on making 35 runs.
His partner asked "Sardar, there is no century or half century or winning moment. Why did you raise your bat?"
The Sardar replies,
"You don't know the value of 35 scores (passing marks). I know it from my school time."

Adult jokes-Found in daughter's room

Three women are discussing their teenage daughters. The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying
my daughter'' s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"
"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under herbed. I didn't even know that she drank!"
"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room last week and you''ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn't even know that she had a penis!"

Really funny jokes-Letter from Son

Miriam was bragging to her next-door neighbor, Esther, about her son, a college student. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."
"You're lucky," Esther said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"

Adult jokes-50 cents and a pair of sneakers

Mac the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage.
Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship,so when he eventually found a lady of the night all he could offer her was 50 cents and a pair of sneakers from Singapore.
She refused with disdain.
He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again. Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could try Mabel down the road. But she warned him not to expect too much as Mabel was very unresponsive and would probably just lie there passively.
He found Mabel, and as times were hard she reluctantly agreed to accept the 50 cents and the pair of sneakers for her services, but told him not to expect any kind of response from her.
Mac began the amorous act and after a few minutes was pleased to find an arm coming around his back. This was followed shortly after by a leg curling around his rear.
Mac, who had always fancied himself a bit of a Romeo, gasped, "I knew you wouldn't be able to resist my charms."
"Don't worry about me, love," answered Mabel, "I'm just trying on the sneakers."

Humor jokes-Club

Hearing about a dinosaur alive in the rain forests of South America, a professor launches a scientific expedition. After several weeks he stumbles upon a little man wearing a loincloth, standing near a 300-foot-long dead dinosaur.
The scientist can't believe his eyes. "Did you kill this dinosaur?" he asks.
"Yep," replies the rain-forest native.
"But it's so big and you're so small! How did you kill it?"
"With my club," the primitive fellow answered.
"How big is your club?"
"Well, there are about 100 of us."

Really funny jokes-Polish women are tough

An elderly Polish man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite pierogi with fried onions wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite pierogi.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the pierogi was already in his mouth. With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.
"Back off, Stasiu" she said. "Dose are for da funeral. "

Adult jokes-Smoking habit

Two girls were discussing their heavy smoking habits.
"I get such a yen for a cigarette," said one, "that the only effective countermeasure is to pop a Life Saver into my mouth and suck hard."
"That's fine for you," huffed her friend, "but I don't happen to live in a house that's right on the beach!"

Humor in uniform-Tactful

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

Really funny jokes-Geriatric wedding

George, age 92, and Edith, age 89, had been seeing each other for 2 years when they decided that life was too short and they might as well be together for the rest of their lives. Excited about their decision to become newlyweds, they went for a stroll to discuss the wedding and what plans need to be made. Along their way, they found themselves in front of a drugstore.
George said to his bride-to-be, "Let's go in. I have an idea." They walked to the rear of the store and addressed the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?" asked George.
The pharmacist answered, "Yes, sir. How can I help you?"
George: "Do you sell heart medications? "
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
George: "How about support hose for circulation? "
Pharmacist: "Definitely. "
George: "What about medications for rheumatism, osteoporosis and arthritis?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
George: "How about waterproof furniture pads and Depends?"
Pharmacist: "Yes sir."
George: "Hearing aids, denture supplies and reading glasses?"
Pharmacist: "Yes."
George: "What about eye drops, sleeping pills, Geritol, Preparation- H and ExLax?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely. "
George: "You sell wheelchairs, walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds and sizes. Why all these questions?"
George smiled, glanced shyly at Edith and replied to the pharmacist, "We've decided to get married and we'd like to use your store as our Bridal Registry."

Clean jokes-Waterloo

A very thirsty man goes into a bar. As he waits to get the bartender's attention, a regular sitting next to him calls out, "I'll have another waterloo."
The bartender gives the regular a tall ice cold drink and asks the newcomer what he would like. The thirsty man points to the man next to him and says, "That looks great! I'll have what he's having, a waterloo."
So the bartender brings the newcomer a tall ice cold drink. The man takes a long deep drink and calls out, "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"
The regular bar patron sitting next to him says, "It is water, buddy. That's all I drink," He turns to the bartender and says, "Right Lou?"

Adult funny jokes-Tickets to the play

Dave and his wife had returned from their honeymoon and were settling down in their new apartment.
Coming home from work one night the landlady met Dave in the hallway and said, "I have a couple of extra tickets to a play in town tonight, and I wonder if you and your new bride would like to have them?"
"I'll ask her," Dave responded. He opened the door to his apartment and called out, "Honey, would you like to see 'Oliver Twist' tonight?"
"No way!!," his bride retorted, "If you show me one more trick with that thing, I'm going home to Mother!"

Doctor jokes-HMO

Todd was in his hospital bed and had been getting many tests done. A nurse came in and stated, "I have bad news and good news. Which do you want first?"
"Tell me the bad news first" said Todd.
The nurse replies, "The bad news is that your HMO refuses to pay for you to have an enema. But, the good news is that your doctor will be in shortly to slap the shit out of you."

Really funny jokes-How do you like your eggs?

Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a modern marriage - equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however.
She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!"
Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"
Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, "third time's a charm" and brought her two eggs -- one scrambled and one poached. "Here, my love, enjoy!"
Jill looks at the plate and says, "You scrambled the wrong egg."

Office jokes-Secretary

The Secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The Boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you you could come and go as you please around here ?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, "My lawyer."

Adult jokes-Going to Vegas

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed.
"Where are you going?" he asked.
She answered, "I'm going to Las Vegas."
"Now what brought this on?" he asked.
She answered, "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I do for you for free!"
He pondered that for a while, went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the porch.
His wife said, "And just where do you think you are going?"
He replied, "I'm going, too."
"Why?" she asked.
He said, "I just have to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year!"

Humor jokes-Anything to Pass

A pretty young student walked in to her professor's office late one afternoon the day before midterm exams. She glanced down the hall, closed his door and knelt before him pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam," she said as she leaned closer to him, stroked her hair and gazed meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispered, "I would do... anything."
The professor returned her gaze. "Anything?" he asked.
"Anything," she replied.
His voice softened. "Really? Anything?" he asked again.
"Absolutely anything," she once again replied.
He leaned close to the woman and lowered his voice to a whisper.
"Would you... study?"

Really funny jokes-Bomb

Great-aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews, seems she had relatives all over the country. Problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane. She read the books about how safe it was, and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up. Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.
"Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?"
The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."
She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?"
Again he went through his tables. "Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion."
Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office. And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

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My wife laughed at me when I told her I would fix the PC.

Kids jokes-Dinner

A woman invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the woman answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'

Adult humor jokes-Fishing

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential down pour.
There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 30 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my dumb-ass husband is out fishing in that crap?"
I still don't know if she was joking.

Really funny jokes-Single

When we were on our way to the ski slopes, my friend's children decided to 'find me a man' by the end of the day. The kids did their best to let it be known I was unmarried and to introduce me to anyone who was skiing alone -- and therefore, in their minds, single.
To my great relief they finally got bored with their mission and charged off on their own. I then made my way to the chair lift.
As I moved near the front of the line, a gentleman close to my age asked, "Excuse me, but are you single?"
Groaning inwardly, I said, "Yes, but despite what you may have heard, I'm really not looking to get married."
He looked at me oddly. "All I want is someone to share the chair lift with."

Blonde jokes-Skydiver

Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!

Adult funny jokes-Bravery

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. "Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."
"Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!

Doctor jokes-Expensive treatment

A woman called her doctor to complain about her husband's snoring. "Is there anything you can do?"
"Well, there is one operation that will cure your husband, but it's rather expensive. $1,000 plus $450 a month for 36 months."
"My god!" exclaimed the woman, "that's like leasing a sports car!"
"Hmm," the doctor murmured. "Too obvious, eh?"

Really funny jokes-Father Of Who

A man walks into a supermarket and notices a beautiful woman staring at him.
She stares for quite some time, so finally the man asks, "Do I know you?"
The woman answers "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
The man thinks for a minute, then realizes this kid she is talking about must be the result of the one and only time he ever cheated on his wife.
He says to the woman, "Are you that exotic dancer that was at my best friend's bachelor party about 5 years ago? You know, the one I did it with on the pool table while everyone was watching?"
The woman looks at him horrified and says, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

Clean jokes-The suspect

Working as a secretary at an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to where security temporarily holds suspects.
One day security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away on another emergency. To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room.
After a few mminutes, the door opened, and he began to walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, "Get back in there, and don't come out until you're told!"
The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people returned, the woman reported what had happened.
Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman.

Adult humor jokes-Losing virginity

A guy and a girl are lying in a dorm-room bed after just having sex. The girl lays on her side of the bed and rests.
The guy goes to his side of the bed and says to himself, "Man oh Man I finally did it! I'm no longer a virgin."
The girl overhears him talking to himself and asks, "Are you saying you lost your virginity to me?"
"Well," the guy explains, "I always wanted to wait until I was with the woman I love to lose my virginity."
Astounded, the girl replies, "So you really love me?"
"Oh God no!", the guy says. "I just got sick of waiting."

Office jokes-Terrorist Alert

Recently we have received credible intelligence that there have been seven terrorists working in your office.
Fortunately, six of the seven have been apprehended.
Bin Sleepin,
Bin Loafin,
Bin Goofin,
Bin Lunchin,
Bin Drinkin and
Bin Behind-Kissin
have all been taken into custody.
At this time, no one fitting the description of the seventh cell member, Bin Workin, has been found at your office.
We are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
You are OBVIOUSLY not a suspect at this time.

Really funny jokes-Mating season

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!
He then Tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. Was the other Indian crazy or what?
The Indian replied No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo! into the opening If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in There waiting for us.
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to The cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'
Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' From deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of The huge opening, he was thinking, Hoo, man! Look at the size of this Cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really Big, fine women in this cave! He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!
Like the others, he then heard an answering call, WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced Into the cave, Tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the Headline of the local newspaper read.....
NAKED IRISHMAN HIT BY A TRAIN!!!!!!

Kids jokes-Quiet in Church

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Adult jokes-The operation

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much to large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret as she's embarrassed and doesn't want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees. She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged she immediately calls in the doctor and says,
"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
"Don't worry," he says, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself."
"Who is the third rose from?" she asked.
"Oh," says the doctor, "That rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!

Humor jokes-Speeding Charges

Tyler and Katz, two judges, were each arrested on speeding charges.
When they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one was there. So instead of wasting time waiting around, they decided to try each other.
Motioning Tyler to the stand, Katz said, "How do you plead?"
"Guilty," replied Tyler.
"That'll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court," said Katz.
Katz stepped down and the two judges shook hands and changed places.
"How do you plead?" asked Tyler.
"Guilty," replied Katz.
Tyler reflected for a moment."These reckless driving cases are becoming all too common of late," he pointed out. "In fact, this is the second such incident in the last quarter hour. That'll be two hundred dollars and ten days in jail!"

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Really funny jokes-Honorary Degree

A rich Texan walked into the offices of the president of a small Texas college and said, "I'd like to donate a million dollars tax free to this institution. But there's a condition; I would like to have an honorary degree."
The president nodded agreeably, "That's not a problem. We can certainly arrange that!"
The rich man then added, "An honorary degree for my horse."
"For your horse???"
"Yep, you betcha. She carried me for many years and I owe her a lot. I'd like to receive a Tr.D., a Doctor of Transportation. "
"But, we can't give a degree to a horse!"
"Then I'm afraid I'll have to take my million dollars to another institution."
"Well, wait a minute," said the president, seeing the million slip through his fingers, "let me consult with the school's trustees."
A hurried trustee meeting was brought to order and the president related the deal and the condition. All of the board reacted with shock and disbelief, except the oldest trustee. He appeared to be almost asleep.
One trustee snorted, "We can't give a horse an honorary degree, no matter HOW much money is involved."
The oldest trustee opened his eyes and said, "Take the money and give the horse the degree."
The president asked, "Don't you think that would be a disgrace to us?"
"Of course not," the wise old trustee said. "It would be an honor. It'd be the first time we ever gave a degree to an ENTIRE horse."