Office jokes-Management in scientific terms

The heaviest element known to science is Managerium.
This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus composed of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.
Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization.
Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.

Eggs

Q: How does a hillbilly like her eggs?

A: Unfertilized!

Really funny jokes-What do you see

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Someone has stolen our tent."

Doctor jokes-Prescription

A doctor got a call from a very excited woman, “My son just swallowed the aspirins, what shall I do?”
He replied, “Give him a headache, what else?”

Humor jokes-The blessing

Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and sure enough, the blessed horse came in first.
Charlie followed the priest before the next race. Again, the priest went to the stables and blessed another horse. Charlie quickly put two dollars on that horse and won close to fifty bucks! The priest kept blessing horses and Charlie kept betting on them and they won!
The last race of the day was the biggest and Charlie saw the priest with another horse. He quickly went to his bank and withdrew his life's savings of $20,000 - went back to the racetrack and put it all on that horse!
He watched the race in certain anticipation of leaving a millionaire. The horse was last to cross the line and Charlie was dead broke. He couldn't believe what happened so he went looking for the priest.
He found him and asked, "What happened to that last horse you blessed? Because your blessing didn't work, I've lost all of my money!"
The priest said, "That's the trouble with you. You can't tell the difference between a blessing and Last Rites!"

Really funny jokes-Car Privileges

We had just given our teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning I went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30am our daughter sleepily walked into the kitchen, and I asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, I said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."

Clean jokes-Spelling errors

Bernie is walking down High Street in Brooklyn when he notices the following sign in the shop window of 'Moshe's Kosher Emporium' -ALL THE DEVCIES YOU NEED FOR YOUR HOEM
So he goes inside and asks to see Moshe.
"Can I help you, sir?" Moshe asks Bernie.
"I just wanted to point out that you have two spelling errors in the sign you have in your window."
"Yes, I know," says Moshe. "It's a deliberate marketing policy. You see, we get around a dozen people coming in here each day to point this out to us, and of these, at least 3 or 4 buy something. And now that you're in here, sir, can I interest you in our special low price for a kitchen table and four chairs?"

Really funny jokes-The gift

Ray was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was very angry.
She told him 'Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds, AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!'
The next morning Ray got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe, ran out to the driveway, and brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and indeed found something that Ray believes can go from 0 to 200 in less than 6 seconds ... .. a new bathroom scale for her.

Doctor jokes-Constipation

An old lady went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.
“It’s terrible,” she said, “I haven’t moved my bowels in a week.”
“I see. Have you done anything about it?” asked the doctor.
“Naturally,” she replied, “I sit in the bathroom for a half- hour in the morning and again at night.”
“No,” the doctor said, “I mean do you take anything?”
“Naturally,” she answered, “I take a book.”

Sardar jokes-35 runs

In one local cricket match, a Sardar raised his bat on making 35 runs.
His partner asked "Sardar, there is no century or half century or winning moment. Why did you raise your bat?"
The Sardar replies,
"You don't know the value of 35 scores (passing marks). I know it from my school time."

Really funny jokes-Letter from Son

Miriam was bragging to her next-door neighbor, Esther, about her son, a college student. "Why, our son is so brilliant, every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."
"You're lucky," Esther said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank!"

Humor jokes-Club

Hearing about a dinosaur alive in the rain forests of South America, a professor launches a scientific expedition. After several weeks he stumbles upon a little man wearing a loincloth, standing near a 300-foot-long dead dinosaur.
The scientist can't believe his eyes. "Did you kill this dinosaur?" he asks.
"Yep," replies the rain-forest native.
"But it's so big and you're so small! How did you kill it?"
"With my club," the primitive fellow answered.
"How big is your club?"
"Well, there are about 100 of us."

Really funny jokes-Polish women are tough

An elderly Polish man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite pierogi with fried onions wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. Downstairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite pierogi.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the pierogi was already in his mouth. With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.
"Back off, Stasiu" she said. "Dose are for da funeral. "

Humor in uniform-Tactful

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"
"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.
A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

Really funny jokes-Geriatric wedding

George, age 92, and Edith, age 89, had been seeing each other for 2 years when they decided that life was too short and they might as well be together for the rest of their lives. Excited about their decision to become newlyweds, they went for a stroll to discuss the wedding and what plans need to be made. Along their way, they found themselves in front of a drugstore.
George said to his bride-to-be, "Let's go in. I have an idea." They walked to the rear of the store and addressed the man behind the counter:
"Are you the owner?" asked George.
The pharmacist answered, "Yes, sir. How can I help you?"
George: "Do you sell heart medications? "
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
George: "How about support hose for circulation? "
Pharmacist: "Definitely. "
George: "What about medications for rheumatism, osteoporosis and arthritis?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
George: "How about waterproof furniture pads and Depends?"
Pharmacist: "Yes sir."
George: "Hearing aids, denture supplies and reading glasses?"
Pharmacist: "Yes."
George: "What about eye drops, sleeping pills, Geritol, Preparation- H and ExLax?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely. "
George: "You sell wheelchairs, walkers and canes?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds and sizes. Why all these questions?"
George smiled, glanced shyly at Edith and replied to the pharmacist, "We've decided to get married and we'd like to use your store as our Bridal Registry."

Clean jokes-Waterloo

A very thirsty man goes into a bar. As he waits to get the bartender's attention, a regular sitting next to him calls out, "I'll have another waterloo."
The bartender gives the regular a tall ice cold drink and asks the newcomer what he would like. The thirsty man points to the man next to him and says, "That looks great! I'll have what he's having, a waterloo."
So the bartender brings the newcomer a tall ice cold drink. The man takes a long deep drink and calls out, "HEY! This isn't any good. It tastes just like water!"
The regular bar patron sitting next to him says, "It is water, buddy. That's all I drink," He turns to the bartender and says, "Right Lou?"

Doctor jokes-HMO

Todd was in his hospital bed and had been getting many tests done. A nurse came in and stated, "I have bad news and good news. Which do you want first?"
"Tell me the bad news first" said Todd.
The nurse replies, "The bad news is that your HMO refuses to pay for you to have an enema. But, the good news is that your doctor will be in shortly to slap the crap out of you."

Really funny jokes-How do you like your eggs?

Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a modern marriage - equal roles for equal partners. So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed. Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however.
She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!"
Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg. Jill wasn't having any of it. "Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"
Determined to please Jill, the next morning he thought, "third time's a charm" and brought her two eggs -- one scrambled and one poached. "Here, my love, enjoy!"
Jill looks at the plate and says, "You scrambled the wrong egg."

Office jokes-Secretary

The Secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The Boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you you could come and go as you please around here ?"
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, "My lawyer."

Really funny jokes-Bomb

Great-aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews, seems she had relatives all over the country. Problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane. She read the books about how safe it was, and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up. Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary.
"Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?"
The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand."
She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the odds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?"
Again he went through his tables. "Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion."
Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office. And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

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My wife laughed at me when I told her I would fix the PC.

Kids jokes-Dinner

A woman invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the woman answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'

Really funny jokes-Single

When we were on our way to the ski slopes, my friend's children decided to 'find me a man' by the end of the day. The kids did their best to let it be known I was unmarried and to introduce me to anyone who was skiing alone -- and therefore, in their minds, single.
To my great relief they finally got bored with their mission and charged off on their own. I then made my way to the chair lift.
As I moved near the front of the line, a gentleman close to my age asked, "Excuse me, but are you single?"
Groaning inwardly, I said, "Yes, but despite what you may have heard, I'm really not looking to get married."
He looked at me oddly. "All I want is someone to share the chair lift with."

Hilarious jokes-Skydiver

Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?

A: She missed the Earth!

Doctor jokes-Expensive treatment

A woman called her doctor to complain about her husband's snoring. "Is there anything you can do?"
"Well, there is one operation that will cure your husband, but it's rather expensive. $1,000 plus $450 a month for 36 months."
"My god!" exclaimed the woman, "that's like leasing a sports car!"
"Hmm," the doctor murmured. "Too obvious, eh?"

Clean jokes-The suspect

Working as a secretary at an international airport, my sister had an office adjacent to where security temporarily holds suspects.
One day security officers were questioning a man when they were suddenly called away on another emergency. To the horror of my sister and her colleagues, the man was left alone in the unlocked room.
After a few mminutes, the door opened, and he began to walk out. Summoning up her courage, one of the secretaries barked, "Get back in there, and don't come out until you're told!"
The man scuttled back inside and slammed the door. When the security people returned, the woman reported what had happened.
Without a word, an officer walked into the room and released one very frightened telephone repairman.

Office jokes-Terrorist Alert

Recently we have received credible intelligence that there have been seven terrorists working in your office.
Fortunately, six of the seven have been apprehended.
Bin Sleepin,
Bin Loafin,
Bin Goofin,
Bin Lunchin,
Bin Drinkin and
Bin Behind-Kissin
have all been taken into custody.
At this time, no one fitting the description of the seventh cell member, Bin Workin, has been found at your office.
We are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.
You are OBVIOUSLY not a suspect at this time.

Kids jokes-Quiet in Church

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Humor jokes-Speeding Charges

Tyler and Katz, two judges, were each arrested on speeding charges.
When they arrived in court on the appointed day, no one was there. So instead of wasting time waiting around, they decided to try each other.
Motioning Tyler to the stand, Katz said, "How do you plead?"
"Guilty," replied Tyler.
"That'll be fifty dollars and a warning from the court," said Katz.
Katz stepped down and the two judges shook hands and changed places.
"How do you plead?" asked Tyler.
"Guilty," replied Katz.
Tyler reflected for a moment."These reckless driving cases are becoming all too common of late," he pointed out. "In fact, this is the second such incident in the last quarter hour. That'll be two hundred dollars and ten days in jail!"

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Really funny jokes-Honorary Degree

A rich Texan walked into the offices of the president of a small Texas college and said, "I'd like to donate a million dollars tax free to this institution. But there's a condition; I would like to have an honorary degree."
The president nodded agreeably, "That's not a problem. We can certainly arrange that!"
The rich man then added, "An honorary degree for my horse."
"For your horse???"
"Yep, you betcha. She carried me for many years and I owe her a lot. I'd like to receive a Tr.D., a Doctor of Transportation. "
"But, we can't give a degree to a horse!"
"Then I'm afraid I'll have to take my million dollars to another institution."
"Well, wait a minute," said the president, seeing the million slip through his fingers, "let me consult with the school's trustees."
A hurried trustee meeting was brought to order and the president related the deal and the condition. All of the board reacted with shock and disbelief, except the oldest trustee. He appeared to be almost asleep.
One trustee snorted, "We can't give a horse an honorary degree, no matter HOW much money is involved."
The oldest trustee opened his eyes and said, "Take the money and give the horse the degree."
The president asked, "Don't you think that would be a disgrace to us?"
"Of course not," the wise old trustee said. "It would be an honor. It'd be the first time we ever gave a degree to an ENTIRE horse."