Adult jokes-Snoring problem

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.
'Yeah right!' she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops
snoring! The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, 'I don't know where we were .... or what we did ... but, by God ... We took first and second place.'

Really funny jokes-Sky Dive

A redneck wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the redneck to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The redneck understood and was ready.
The time came to have the redneck jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded the redneck that he would be right behind him. The redneck proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the redneck.
The redneck, seeing this, yelled as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, eh?"

Clean jokes-Praise the Lord

An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for God to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "Praise the Lord! God, I need food!! I am having a hard time. Please, Lord, send me some groceries!!"
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!"
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries; God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "Praise the Lord! He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"

Funny adult jokes-Pregnancy test

A blonde made an appointment to have a physical . When she got to the office she asked to see the doctor and asked him to do a pregnancy test as well.
When the exam and pregnancy teat were done she dressed and went to sit in his office to get the results. The doctor came in and said You are in perfect health and you are not pregnant.
The blond than said "I have a stupid question to ask you, Doctor. Can you get pregnant from anal sex?"
The doctor looked at her and said, "that is not a stupid question at all, and yes you can get pregnant from anal sex. Where do you think all the lawyers come from."

Doctor jokes-Not eating properly

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

Really funny jokes-Remembering important stuff

I forget things. All the time. Even important stuff, like my wife's birthday and our anniversary.
This year, I had an idea for solving my dilemma. I set up an account with the florist, with instructions to send flowers to my wife for every important event -- Mother's Day, Valentine's, birthday, anniversary. .. even the anniversary of our first date. And with each batch of flowers there was a note: "From your loving husband."
Needless to say, I screwed it up. On my wife's birthday, I walked in the door, noticed the bouquet on the table, and promptly said...
"Nice flowers honey! Where'd you get 'em?"

Kids jokes-How old?

Teacher: Frank, how old were you last year?
Frank: 7 years old
Teacher: Then how old you will be next year?
Frank: 9 years old
Teacher: That's impossible!
Frank: No, it isn't, today is my birthday!

Adult funny jokes-Lottery

Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.
"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked.
He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."
Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more and more despondent as the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration, no sign from God. Finally, while he was passing old Mrs. Kelleher's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. All of a sudden, a finger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven on each cheek.
Thanking God, Paul rushed to the raffle booth and played the number 77.
A few minutes later, the drawing was held.
And once again, Paul lost. The winning number was 707....

Sardar jokes-Secretary pregnant

Santa in deep thoughts sitting calm, quite,
Banta: What is wrong with you Santa
Santa: Please dont ask
Banta: I am your childhood friend say to me.
Santa: My seven year old son made my secretary pregnant
Banta: Thats not possible
Santa: No he did
Banta: Hows that possible
Santa: He punctured my condoms

Really funny jokes-Cabbie

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.
'I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you,' says the cabbie.
'My son, you cannot offend me,' says the Nun. 'When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well,' said the cabbie, 'I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me.'
'Well, lets see what we can do about that,' the Nun replies. 'First,
you have to be single and, second, you must be Catholic.'
The cabbie is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'Okay,' says the Nun. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The Nun fulfills his fantasy with a passonate kiss but, when they get back on the road, the cabbie starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the Nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me, Sister, for I have sinned,' says the cabbie. 'I lied, and
I must confess that I'm married and I'm a Methodist.'
That's okay,' says the Nun. 'My name is Kevin and I'm going to a costume party.'

Blonde jokes-Coast

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know! It was some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

Funny adult jokes-No sex since 1955

A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 21:30 now."
(gotta love military time)

Humor jokes-Second Notice

A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.
"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."

Doctor jokes- Whistling softly

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly he said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener".

Really funny jokes-Ham

A woman went to the Governor about getting an early release for her husband who was serving time in a state penitentiary.
"What's he in for?", asked the Governor.
"For stealing a ham."
"That doesn't sound too bad. Is he a good worker?"
"No, I couldn't say that. He's very lazy."
"Oh... well, he's good to you and the children, isn't he ?"
"No, he is not. He's very mean to us, if you want to know the truth."
"Why would you want a man like that out of prison?"
"Well, Governor, we've been out of ham for quite a spell."

Kids jokes-Donations

After the church service, a little boy told the pastor he was going to give him a lot of money when he grew up.
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "But why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had!"

Adult jokes-The bet

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings
account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right), an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000".
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money.
The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?"
The elderly woman replied, "Well, I'll bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square."
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was
impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She
just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my
bet?"
"Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square."
"Done", the elderly woman answered. "But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness."
"No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president.
"Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile.
Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!"

Humor jokes-An Honest lawyer

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel and so she began interviewing young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward; "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."

Really funny jokes-Fancy dress party

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A Few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note: Dear Sir, sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really Incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.
So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick
your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.

Pregnant Blonde

The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, "what the heck", and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said, "I have some really great news....
I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."
She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great I couldn't be happier for you!"
Then she said, "There's more"
I asked, What do you mean there's more.
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said....
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!"

Adult jokes-Mexican

After just two days of driving through Mexico, Steve was sick and tired of Mexicans. "They hate Americans," he told his wife, "and I swear - the next one I see, I'm gonna make that son of a bitch suffer!"
As it happened, Steve's anger was such that he didn't look where he was going, and rear ended a brawny farmer in a pickup truck.
The Mexican came over and leaned in Steve's window. "Hey grreeennngo - why you heet my truck?"
"Because I can't stand you or any other Mexican grease balls!" Steve ranted. "In fact, if you're man enough, I'm gonna come out and kick the shit out of you!"
The Mexican motioned Steve out. "I make a deel weetch you," he said. "If you ween, you take my truck. If I ween, not only do I f**k your wife, but you weel hold my balls to keep them off the hot street."
The men agreed and fought.
Later, Steve was smiling as he and his wife drove off.
I told you I'd make some Mexican suffer!" he gloated.
His wife looked at him. "What the HELL are you talking about?"
Steve smiled. "Didn't you hear how he SCREAMED when I dropped his balls on the asphalt?"

Celebrity jokes-Billy Graham

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his Plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.
'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?'
The driver said, 'No problem. Have at it.'
Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway.
A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.
The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.
The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.
The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.
He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor.
He told the supervisor, 'I know we are supposed to enforce the law.... But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.'
The supervisor asked, 'Is it the governor?'
The young trooper said, 'No, he's more important than that.'
The supervisor said, 'Oh, so it's the president.'
The young trooper said, 'No, he's even more important than that.'
The supervisor finally asked, 'Well then, who is it?'
The young trooper said, 'I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'

Really funny jokes-Young daughter

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
"Daddy what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.
"They're mating" her father replied.
"What do you call the spider on top?" she asked.
"That's a Daddy Longlegs" her father answered.
"So the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?" the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied "No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs."
The little girl looking a little puzzled thought for a moment then took her foot and stomped them flat saying "We're not
having any of that brokeback mountain shit in our garden."
Brings a tear to your eye...doesn' t it!

Doctor jokes-Excess weight

"Now, what are you planning to do about that excess weight you're carrying around?" the doctor asked the patient.
"I just can't seem to lose the weight," the patient said. "Must be an overactive thyroid."
"The tests show your thyroid is perfectly normal," the doctor said. "If anything is overactive, it's your fork."

Funny Adult jokes-Boneless Chicken Breasts

A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman I know intended to stock up. At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher.
"Don't worry, ya ," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
Several aisles later, my friend heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

Kids humor-Fishing

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?"

Really funny jokes-Thermometer

A big shot executive had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature. " After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer. "
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door, laughing.
After half an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"
fter a pause, the doctor confesses, "Not with a carnation."

Adult jokes-Nymphomaniac

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac. "
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

Humor jokes-Smart Revenge

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.
George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.
Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup truck in Mildred's driveway...walked home...and left it there all night.

Really funny jokes-The Perfect Man

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his #$%&*% widow.'

Doctor jokes-Death certificate

"I need to revise the death certificate I just handed you." my fellow doctor said to a nurse I was working with.
"What's wrong?" she asked.
"It's a little embarrassing, " he said. Then, pulling her aside, he whispered, "I was in a hurry when I signed it and, well, I accidentally wrote my name under "Cause of Death."

Adult jokes-The Gift

A young man was deciding on what to buy as a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday. After much consideration, he decided a
pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister bought herself a pair of panties. During the wrapping, the clerk accidentally mixed up the items. The sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.
Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:
"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly dirty. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really good. I wish I was there
to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love, Jim."
"P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."

Really funny jokes-Jewelry

A young man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The young man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special. "
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. " Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000, " the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The young man seeing this said, "We'll take it. "
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the young man stated, " by cheque."
"I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon. "
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the young man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know ", said the young man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had? "

Adult jokes-Dumb

Kevin, the dumb, said "I'm breaking up with Sherry!", to his friend James.
"Are you crazy ? Sherry is a beautiful and smart woman!", said James.
Kevin responded... "Last night Sherry broke down and told me she was bisexual, and who the hell wants to screw just twice a year?

Really funny jokes-Welfare

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, ' Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'
The social worker behind the counter said, ' Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apart ment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage, will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.'
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, 'You're bullshittin' me!
The social worker said, ' Yeah, well . . You started it.'

Kids jokes-At the doctor's

A four-year-old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked in her ears, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"
The little girl stayed silent.
Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"
Again, the little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heartbeat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"
"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants."

Adult jokes-In the shadows

Paddy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty quid " she whispers.
He'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the heck, its only twenty quid.
So they hide in the bushes. They've going "at it" for a couple of minutes when, all of a sudden, a light flashes on them. It's a police officer.
"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.
"I'm making love to my wife," Paddy answers indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know.""Well, " Paddy says,
"Neither did I, until you shined that light in her face.

Really funny jokes-Wrong Way

Seventy-six year old Grace was watching TV at home late one afternoon.
Presently, the 5:00 news came on. The lead story was traffic mayhem on I-95 due to a car going down the highway the wrong way.
Grace suddenly realized her husband was traveling home on that very same highway. Concerned, she reached for the phone and called him on his cell.
"Harold," she said when he answered. "Are you still on I-95?"
"I am," Harold replied.
"Well then please be careful!" Grace said. "I just heard on the news that some maniac is going down the highway the wrong way!"
"One?" Harold replied. "Aw, heck, Grace, they're ALL going the wrong way!"

Funny adult jokes-Statue

An artist brought her lover home one afternoon. Amongst many statues, sculptures and paintings, she brought him into her bed and they spent the next few hours having a passionate roll in the hay.
As they were lying together in the afterglow, a car was heard pulling into the driveway.
"Oh no!" the woman exclaimed. "My husband's home! I didn't expect him home so early!"
She jumped out of bed and looked for a place for her lover to hide. The bathroom was too obvious, the closet was full of stuff and there were too many art projects under the bed to fit a person. She heard her husband come in the front door.
Suddenly she had an idea. "I know!" she said. "Wait here." She ran into the bathroom, came back with a large bottle of baby powder and moved a few pieces of art to clear a space in the corner of the room.
"Stand here," she said. "Yes, like that. Now stand still." She then proceeded to sprinkle baby powder all over him until he was completely white. "Now stay like that. You're a statue, OK? Don't move!" she said. He stood still.
Her husband came into the room. "Hi, Honey," he said. They hugged. After some conversation, they too hopped into bed for more passionate lovemaking.
A couple hours later, she got up. "I'm going to start the wash in the basement, dear," she said. "Bring the detergent down, will you?" She looked over in the corner. Her lover was still standing motionless.
She left. The husband brought the detergent down and then went to the kitchen and got a glass of ice water. He went back upstairs, walked around the room, stopped at the corner and studied the "statue."
"Here," he said as he offered the glass. "You must be dying of thirst."
The man stood still for another moment and then decided to let his guard down and take the water. "Thanks," he said.
"Sure thing," the husband said. "I know firsthand what it's like being secretly involved with an artist. Just last week I had to stand still for nearly three hours and nobody brought me anything!"

Humor jokes-Flying Act

A man decides to join the circus. He shows up to demonstrate his skills to the impresario.
"I have the most unusual act," he announces. "I'm sure it will amaze you."
He proceeds to climb a tall tower, and jumps off. He flaps his arms wildly, and finally his fall slows.
He soars forward, then swoops upward, turns and swoops back again. Finally he stops in mid
air and gently lowers himself to the ground.
The impresario stares blankly at him for a long time.
Finally he says, "Is that all you've got? Bird imitations?"

Blonde jokes-Pet

What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
Spot.

Really funny jokes-Mental Health Hotline

We recently placed a call to the Mental Health Hotline because one of our associates was feeling a little edgy. They really have covered all the bases. Here's what we got:

"Hello, and welcome to the Mental Health Hotline....
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. Remember, you are never alone!
If you are manic-depressive it doesn't matter which number you press,
no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 6969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, before the beep or during the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lay down and have yourself a good cry. You won't be crazy forever."

Adult jokes- Blonde and the Indian!

An attractive Blonde, Kitty Mc Neill was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. Kitty climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let Kitty off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant.
"Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback!"

Short humor jokes

Q) How do you make a bull sweat?
A) Give him a tight Jersey.

Q)Have you heard of the new oriental cookbook?
A) Its called 101 ways to wok your dog.

Q) What do you call an experimental monkey in a Cuiseinart?
A) Rhesus pieces.

Adult humor jokes-Venice Canal swim race

Scene: The finish line of the famous Venice Canal swim race. A newspaper reporter is interviewing Pierre, who was favored to win the race.
Reporter: "Pierre, you were favored to win today's Venice Canal race by a 1/4 mile; this wasn't even supposed to challenge you. Why then did you finish dead last, shocking your fans?"
Pierre: "Well, at the start I was in the lead, and taking it easy, knowing there was no one in reach of me. As I passed under the first bridge, Suzzette was standing on top of it, rubbing her hips, and looking very sexy."
"She was calling to me, saying, 'Pierre, I am yours when you finish the race.' This started to get me excited, my swim suit was getting uncomfortable. "
"The next bridge I passed under, the beautiful Rose was standing on the bridge. She had her shirt off, and was fondling her large breasts, saying, 'these are for you when you finish the race, Pierre.'"
"I was now dragging in the mud. The other swimmers were now in sight, but I swam on."
"The third bridge I passed under, the naked Bridget was standing on it. She was rubbing her body, and calling to me, saying, 'I am yours when you finish the race Pierre, I want you so bad.'
"This was it, I was now stuck in the mud, all the other swimmers passed me, and I was sad to let down my fans. I didn't know what to do."
Reporter: "But Pierre, why didn't you try the backstroke?"
Pierre: "Ah, but what of the bridges?"

Really funny jokes-Largest transport

One of the military's largest transports got stuck at the end of a runway atop the I-564 overpass for more than 16 hours. It was unable to turn around at the West end of Chambers Field at the Norfolk Naval Station.
The incident forced the closing of the field to all but helicopter traffic and made for a dramatic sight for hundreds of motorists passing beneath it during morning rush hour.
"That thing's like a big building sitting there,'' said motorists. The nose of the aircraft actually stuck out and OVER the Interstate!
The aircraft's nose was so far over the end of the ramp, the crew was unable to see the runway where it was supposed to turn around, so the pilot simply had to leave it at the end of the runway. The Air Force C-5 Galaxy, largest airplane in the free world, is almost as long as a football field and as high as a 6-story building.
Weighing 420 tons with a full load, it uses a system of 28 wheels to distribute its weight. The aircraft had to wait for a specially made tow bar trucked in from Dover, Del.
When the tow bar arrived, it was used to hook the C-5 to a tractor that then turned the aircraft around. The plane was not damaged.
The female co-pilot was overheard saying to the male pilot as they exited the plane...
"I told you we should have stopped and asked for directions."

Doctor jokes-Big breaths

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient.
Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA !

Adult jokes-Golf lesson

A man went for a golf lesson. The pro watched his swing and said, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"Well, what should I do?", asked the man.
"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."
Taking the advice, he took a swing, and POW!, he hit the ball 250 yards straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man went back home telling his wife the good news about his lesson, and, the wife
couldn't wait for her lesson.
The next day, the wife went for her lesson. The pro watched her swing and said, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."
"What can I do?" asked the wife.
"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."
The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing, and, THUMP!-- the ball skipped down the fairway about 15 feet.
"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth, and, hold it in your hands."

Kids jokes-Junk Food

Billy's mother was dropping him off at the carnival while she did shopping and errands.
"Enjoy yourself, dear!" she said as she handed Billy a large string of carnival tickets.
"Oh, boy! I will!" Billy said as he took the tickets and ran toward the festivities.
Several hours later, Billy's mother returned. She sought him out sitting on a bench not looking so good.
"Well, are you enjoying yourself, dear?" she asked.
"I am but my stomach isn't!" Billy replied. "The ice cream sundae, cotton candy, pizza pie and hot dog I ate is making me wanna throw up!"
"Well it serves you right!" the mother lectured. "Who told you to buy all that JUNK FOOD?"
"What else could I do?" the boy bellowed as he held up the remainder of the carnival tickets. "You gave me all this JUNK MONEY!"

Funny Adult jokes-Wedding ring

A man went to the hospital to get his wedding ring cut from his Hoohoo.
According to the Nurse attending, the patient's girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket and she got mad at him, she used petroleum jelly to slip the ring on his Hoohoo while he was asleep. I don't know what's worse:
1) Having your girlfriend find out your married,
2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your Hoohoo.
3) Or finding out your Hoohoo fits through your wedding ring.

Really funny jokes-Police Emergency

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Humor jokes-Changing plea

After a trial had been going on for three days, Finley, the man accused of committing the crimes, stood up and approached the judge's bench. "Your Honor, I would like to change my plea from 'innocent' to 'guilty' of the charges."
The judge angrily banged his fist on the desk. "If you're guilty, why didn't you say so in the first place and save this court a lot of time and inconvenience? " he demanded.
Finley looked up wide-eyed and stated, "Well, when the trial started I thought I was innocent, but that was before I heard all the evidence against me."


Humor Pictures

Really funny jokes-Losing weight

One fat guy goes to a popular gym and sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone's weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute.

He's standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying " If you catch me, I'm yours ."
He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he's running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he's about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg..

He's back on the street and starts to think.
"Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time..."
So he races back to the gym and says, "I want to lose 20 more kg."
"No problem," says the manager.
Again he is led to the large gym. This time he's standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a Gorilla with a sign.
" If I catch you, you're mine ."

Sardar jokes-Kill the bird!

Q. How did the Sardar try to kill the bird?
A. He threw it off a cliff.

Adult jokes-The trial

At a paternity trial, Judy's lawyer asked, "On the night of July 16 last, at approximately 11:45 PM, in a street known generally as 'Lover's Lane,' did the defendant have sexual relations with you?
"Yes," whispered the girl, her head bowed.
"And did the defendant on that occasion, to the best of your knowledge, have a climax?" the lawyer continued. "Oh no," she replied, "nothing fancy like that. Just had a Ford pickup truck."

Doctor jokes-Fart problem

A man goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."
On this the doctor says , "I see your problem, take these pills and come back to see me next week."
The next week the man goes back. "Doctor, " he says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts -- although still silent -- stink terribly."
The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing...."

Humor jokes-Tick warning

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally. ..but this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail list.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!
They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

Really funny jokes-International rules of manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss' car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach...and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
11: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
12: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
13: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
14: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
15: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

Funny Adult jokes-Rancher

Steve saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year- old rancher, pull into town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before, and rumor had it that he was marrying a mail order bride.
Being one of Tom's oldest friends, Steve asked if the rumor was true, and Tom assured him that it was.
Steve then asked Tom how old the new bride-to-be was.
Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty one in November."
Now Steve, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman probably wouldn't be satisfied by an eighty year old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy, Steve tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take it's course.
Tom thought this was a good idea, and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, Steve ran into Tom in town again.
"How's the new wife?" Steve asked Tom.
Tom proudly said, "She's pregnant!"
Steve, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"
Without hesitating, smilin' Tom said, "She's pregnant, too!"

Blonde jokes-Busy

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her there is a vibrator in the corner

Really funny jokes-Redneck artist

Redneck Billy Joe Bob, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to him for paintings.
One day, a beautiful young woman pulled up to his house in a stretch limo. She asked Billy Joe Bob if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request. The beautiful lady said money was no object; she was willing to pay $50,000.
Not wanting to get into trouble with his cousin/wife Bobby Sue, Billy Joe Bob asked the lady to wait while he went in the house and conferred with his cousin/wife Bobby Sue. In a few minutes he re-turned and told the lady he was willing to do it.... however, he would have to leave his socks on so he would have some place to wipe his brushes.


Funny Pictures

Humor jokes-Blind Clerk

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please. "
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00?
How did you get $34.50?"
He replies,"Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

Kids jokes-Independence Day

A father took his five-year-old son to several baseball games where The Star-Spangled Banner was sung before the start of each game.
Then the father and son attended a church on a Sunday shortly before Independence Day.
The congregation sang The Star-Spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled out,
"PLAY BALL!!!"