Adult jokes-Desperate

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office... but she was dating someone else.
One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you...
'The girl looked at him, and then said, 'NO!'
Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend... so she called him and explained the situation.
Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He won't even be able to get his pants down.'
She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...?
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'

Clean jokes-Dead

An older couple is lying in bed one morning. They had just awakened from a good night's sleep.
He takes her hand and she responds, "Don't touch me."
"Why not?" he asked.
She answered, "Because I'm dead."
The husband asked, "What are you talking about? We're both lying here
in bed together and talking to one another!"
She said, "No, I'm definitely dead."
He insisted, "You are not dead. What in the world makes you think you're dead?"
"Because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts."

Really funny jokes-Sign

Little Johnny paints a sign that reads:
"WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A DIME."
He tells his buddy Roy to get his wagon and both sit under a shade tree in Johnny's front yard, waiting for business.
Kathy, across the street is not to be outdone, so she paints a bigger sign that reads:
"WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A NICKEL."
She tells her friend Nellie to get her wagon, and they both sit in front of Kathy's yard.
Johnny's pissed. How dare that GIRL?
Then, a flash and Johnny hauls Roy across the street saying, "Let's get some laughs."
"Say, Kathy, you move ANYTHING?"
"Give me a nickel and I'll prove it to you."
"Roy, give me your nickel!"
Johnny takes it and hands it to Kathy.
"What you want moved, boy?"
"Move my BOWELS!" Johnny said and starts laughing.
So Kathy kicked the shit out of him.

Doctor jokes-Cancer

Doctor: "I've got very bad news - you've got Cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"

Adult jokes-Feathers

A female reporter, interviewing an American Indian chief, asked the significance of the varied number of feathers in Indian headdresses.
"Feathers show number of sexual partners," the chief replied.
Indicating a nearby young brave, he continued, "Him? One woman, one feather. Him?" pointing to a second, older man, "Three women, three feathers."
The reporter looked at the Chief's headdress. "But you have so many feathers!"
The Chief proudly slapped his chest. "Me Chief. Sleep with all women. Big, small, fat, tall."
Horrified, the female reporter said, "You ought to be hung!"
The Chief said, "Damn right. Me hung big like buffalo, long like snake."
The offended reporter said, "You don't have to be hostile!"
The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style!"
The reporter cried, "Oh, dear!"
"No deer", said the Chief. "Arse too high, run too fast!"

Humor jokes-Tick warning

I hate it when people forward bogus warnings, and I have even done it myself a couple times unintentionally. ..but this one is real, and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your e- mail list.
If someone comes to your front door saying they are checking for ticks due to the warm weather and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT!! THIS IS A SCAM!!
They only want to see you naked.
I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.

Really funny jokes-Numbers

The teacher asked little Andy if he knew his numbers yet. "Yes, teacher," he said, "my dad taught me."
"Good, Andy. Tell me what comes after two," the teacher said. "Three," replied Andy.
"Very good. What comes after five, Andy?" asked the teacher. "Six," answered Andy.
"Excellent. Your dad did a very good job. Now, what comes after ten?" the teacher asked.
"A jack!" replied Andy.

Office jokes-Male clerk

In one office the staff consisted of female works except one male clerk. The head of the office being a male wanted to
write something unique about the male clerk in the annual work appraisal of the staff. Therefore he wrote about the male clerk as follows.
He is the only clerk in my office who has not applied for maternity leave.

Blonde jokes-Comfortable

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send hersister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the
telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need
her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.'
Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says , 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable. '
The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable? '
The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word is big. She'll read it very slowly....
'com-for-da- bul.' '

Adult jokes-Surrogate

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day
the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon"
Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.
Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time.
I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London "
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um......equipment? "
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work."
"Tripod????? "
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long.
Madam? Madam? ...... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

Really funny jokes-Communication

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."

Sardar jokes-Ice cubes

Q. Why can't Sardars make ice cubes?
A. They always forget the recipe.

Adult jokes-In hell

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him.
"I'm not sure what to do," says the devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could stay in hot water all day."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer, time after time.
" No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said,
Yeah, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"

Humor jokes-Redneck couple

A Kentucky couple, both bonafied rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision -- why after nine children, would they choose to do this.
The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish

Doctor jokes-Dying

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination.
"I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says.
"Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?" the man asks.
"10..." says the doctor.
"10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately.
"10...9...8. ..7..."

Really funny jokes-Dildo

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry. That was an insect."
To which one of the boys replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

Kids jokes-Awful time

"I've just had the most awful time," said a boy to his friends. "First I got angina pectoris, then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering, I got psoriasis. They gave me hypodermics, and to top it all, tonsillitis was followed by appendectomy."
"Wow! How did you pull through?" sympathized his friends.
"I don't know," the boy replied. "Toughest spelling test I ever had."

Adult jokes-New drink

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're Sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink.
The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.
The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.
"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot Of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."
So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK.
He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks -- this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
.... In one-second the sharp lime taste hits...
.... At two seconds the Baileys curdles
.... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.
This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend; he swallows the now nasty drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"
She smiles widely at him and says........ .... "Blow Job Revenge"

Blonde jokes-All over the road

A state trooper pulls over a blonde on a lonely back road and says, "Ma'am, is there a reason why you're weaving all over the road?"
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here! I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front of me. So, I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me. Then, I swerved to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
The officer reached through the side window to the rear view mirror, and explained, "Ma'am... that's your air freshener."

Short humor jokes-Menu

Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.

Really funny jokes-IT Consultant

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?'
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-Tech Miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'
'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
'Okay, why not?'
'You're an IT Consultant', says Bud.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'
'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew,to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . .
Now give me back my dog.

Adult jokes-Genie

Jill meets Nadine for lunch. "You're looking very tired today, Jill. Did you have a late night?"
"Yes," replies Jill, "but it was all very strange. While doing some gardening yesterday, I found a lamp, so I rubbed it and out popped a genie. He gave me a choice of two wishes."
"Wow," says Nadine, "so what were the choices he gave you, Jill?"
"He said he could either give me an excellent, sharp, 100% memory or else he could give my boyfriend a bigger penis."
"So tell me already, Jill, what did you choose?"
"I can't remember," replies Jill.

Sardar jokes-Porno Star

Banta fell in love with a porno star and married her. He got an opportunity to watch one of her movie.... The Movie came to an End.
A bit disturbed and annoyed with what he saw, Banta told himself, "Thank God it was just a movie and not reality."

Really funny jokes-Tired of job

A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman. Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.
"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."

Humor jokes-Locked keys in Car

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever.
She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.
She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.
The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."
The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her help.
Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.
The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.
The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her.
Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened. She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."
The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional.

Doctor jokes-Bad news

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

Really funny jokes-Surprising the cows

Little Johnny is visiting his Granddad on the farm.
He races into the farmhouse and yells excitedly to his Granddad:
"Hey Granddad, the bull is f**king the cow".
Granddad informs Johnny that he won't tolerate this sort of playground language on his farm and that in future if Johnny
wants to inform him about such things he should say something like "Granddad the bull is surprising the cow."
A few weeks later Johnny is again visiting the farm.
Once again he comes racing in and yells:
"Granddad the bull is surprising the cows."
Granddad says to Johnny: "I'm pleased to hear that after my conversation with you a few weeks ago you have cleaned up your
language. However, your grammar is not quite correct. It is not "the bull is surprising the cows". It is "the bull is surprising the cow". The bull can only surprise one cow at a time".
Johnny replies:
"No Granddad, the bull is surprising all the cows because he's f**king the horse!"

Adult jokes-Been with a guy

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, “I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”
The husband replies, “That’s not a big deal in this day and age.”
The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.”
“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”
“Tiger Woods.”
“Tiger Woods, the golfer?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
“What are you doing?” asks the wife.
The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. “Now what are you doing?” she asks.
The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.” “Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it again.”
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”
“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole.”

Blonde jokes-Flying instructions

A blonde went to a flight school, insisting she wanted to learn to fly that day. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her on how to pilot the helicopter solo by radio.
He took her out, showed her how to start it, and gave her the basics and sent her on her way.
After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."
After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was becoming to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.
A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.
When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can't remember anything after I turned off the big fan."

Really funny jokes-Husband's plight

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!
She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out,
"Watch out for that wall!"

Sardar jokes-Cup

Banta: Why are all these people running?
Jeet: This is a race, the winner will get the cup.
Santa: If only winner will get the cup, why are others running?

Kids jokes-Get married

Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny."
Again, Bruce instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed Bruce has put so much thought into this. 'Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far."
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable

Adult doctor jokes-Exam

On the subject of interns examining overweight women, the symptoms of pregnancy are often masked by obesity.
In attempting to do a vaginal/cervical exam on a very overweight woman, the intern could not make room to do his work. He finally enlisted the aid of two nurses who wrapped the woman's legs in sheets and pulled them apart. Still not having enough room, the intern pushed a chair between her legs and made his diagnosis:
"You're pregnant," he said. "But how you got that way without two sheets and a chair is beyond me."
The patient replied, "You know, you're not the first short-dicked man to tell me that."

Humor jokes-Girl & Boy Potato

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called Yam.
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.
They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato
either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland . And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries. And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'
Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.
Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just… just a commontater!

Really funny jokes-The Ladies Comode

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.
There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked: WW WA PP ATR.
Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom.
He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!!
So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.
"Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"
So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.
"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.
When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off... confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.
He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.
The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."

Short funny jokes-Difference

Q. What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
A. After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

Doctor jokes-New Treatment For Sunburn

A guy fell asleep on the beach for Several hours And got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in,the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?
The doctor replied, "it won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."

Adult jokes-High School class reunion

A guy goes to his High School class reunion. Having not seen anyone in twenty five years he's very curious as to who might show up.
When he gets there he runs into his old high school sweet-heart. They sit down and talk about the past.
"How have you been?" he asks.
"I've been fine, just fine," she replies, "Although I do have some good news and a little bad news, though."
"Bad news first, ma'am."
"Well, a few weeks ago I had to have a hysterectomy. "
"Oh my, that's too bad. I'm sorry to hear that."
"But the good news is the doctor found your old high school class ring you thought you lost!"

Blonde jokes-Patient

Just try to relax, this won't take long," said the gynecologist trying to calm the obviously nervous young blonde patient.
"Haven't you ever been examined like this before?" he asked.
"Yeah, sure," she replied, "but not by a doctor!"

Really really funny jokes-Shakespearean Play

Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be Shakespearean play.
The first little boy was to say, "My fair maiden...I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope."
The second little boy was to reply by saying,"Hark, a pistol shot!"
Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown-ups. The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up. The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified. They stood there frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin.
The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words..."My fair maiden!. . .I have come to kiss your snatch and fill your hole with soap."
The second boy screams out..."Hark! A shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, bull shit...I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway..."
The audience left howling.

Humor jokes-Insulted

When Bob came home, his wife Diane was crying. "Your mother insulted me," she sobbed.
"My mother? How could she do that when she is on vacation on the other side of the world?" Bob asked.
"I know. But this morning a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it because I was curious."
"And?"
"At the end of the letter she wrote:
PS. Dear Diane, when you have finished reading this letter, don't forget to give it to my son."

Sardar jokes-Bomb

There were two Sardarjis Bantya and Santya, employed as bombers. They had to place a time bomb in order to explode a building. So they were going on their destination in a car. On their way Bantya asked Santya, "Santya what will happen if the time bomb explodes in this car itself." Santya replied "Don't worry, I have a spare one!!!!!"

Short humor jokes-Sign

I asked my friend what sign he was born under and he said he was conceived under the
"No Parking" sign.

Adult jokes-Police

It was really something else, man!" said the cadet policeman to his partner. "When I was off duty Saturday night, I went to this big party, see, and pretty soon I noticed this fabulous little bird giving me the eye. Then she asked me to take her home. And just as soon as we were in the car, she unzipped me and went right down on the old fella - and I still didn't even know her name."
"So what did you do?" asked the other cop.
"Well, I figured this was one situation where I'd shoot first and ask questions afterward."

Really funny jokes-Graveside service

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
Since I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do.
The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to say "Amen,"
"Praise the Lord," and "Glory"! I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before: from Genesis all the way to Revelation. I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Kids jokes-Working for me

Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give me a nice home and good food. My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"
The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!"
The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?"

Really funny jokes-Explain

A mother and her 5 yr old son were flying Southwest Airlines from Denver to Dallas.
The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes ?
The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.
So the boy walks to the galley and asks the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?
The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me"
The boy said, "Yes, she did...."
"Well, then, please tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your mother explain that to you."

Adult jokes-Hi tech

Three women, one German, one Japanese and a Hillbilly were having a chat in the kitchen. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questioningly. That was my pager, she said.. �I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.
A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her hand to her ear. When she finished, she explained, That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.
The hillbilly woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive.
She stepped out of the kitchen and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging out of her butt crack..
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The hillbilly woman finally said, Well, will you look at that. I'm getting a fax!

Doctor jokes-Contractions

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Really funny jokes-Field trip

A group of 2nd, 3rd and 4th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack(Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boy's up one by one, holding onto their little wee wee to direct the flow.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, ''You must be in the 4th grade..''
''No, ma'am, '' he replied. ''I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."

Clean jokes-Holding hands

John says to his friend, "My Mary and I, we are always holding hands."
"Why do you do this?" asks his friend.
"Because if I let go, she shops."

Hate Blonde jokes

A blonde and her brunette friend were talking. The blonde says, "I hate all the blonde jokes people say."
"Oh, they are only jokes. There are alot of stupid people out there. Here I'll prove it to you," replies her brunette friend.
So they went outside and hailed a taxi driver.
"Please take me to 29 Nickle Street to see if I'm home," said the brunette.
The taxi drove them, and when they finally got out, the brunette looked at the blonde and said, "See, that guy was really stupid."
"No kidding," replies the blonde." There was a pay phone just around the corner. You could have called instead."

Adult jokes-News Bulletin

Bill and Doug were having a beer at the neighborhood bar.
"What's the matter?" asked Bill of his buddy. "You look kind of down."
"My wife just told me that my lovemaking is just like a new bulletin."
"Why's that?"
"Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."

Humor jokes-Two drops of water

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,
'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...'
The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up,' says the bartender
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up,' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

Really funny jokes-Italian Meal

The customer in the Italian restaurant in Boston's North End was so pleased with his meal that he asked to speak to the chef.
"Certainly! Come with me," the owner said as he proudly led him into the kitchen and introduced him to the chef.
"Your Pasta Quattro Formaggi was superb!" the customer said. "I just spent a month in Italy, and yours is better than any I had over there."
"Naturally," the chef said. "Over there, they use domestic cheese. Ours is imported!"

Short humor jokes-Spread

Some people will grow up and spread cheer, others just grow up and spread.

Lawyer jokes-Dealing With Bribes

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon ... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."

Funny adult jokes-Bad mama

A little old lady decides to join The Hell's Angels!
One day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join. The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep... my bike's parked over there," and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, like a fish. I'll drink any man in your club under the table."
The biker then asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I'm shooting pool."
The biker is very impressed and asks, "You sound like one bad Mama. Tell me, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times. I liked it."

Doctor jokes-Drinks

"Doctor, Doctor, You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!"
"Do you drink a lot?"
"Not really - I spill most of it!"

Really funny jokes-Bank account

A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account"
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

Adult jokes-College Sweaters

Three women are seated in the doctor's office waiting room one day.
The doctor calls the first one in. When he examines her, he sees a big "Y" on her chest. He asks, "Why do you have a big "Y" on your chest?"
She replies, "That's from my boyfriend's sweater. You see, my boyfriend went to Yale, and when we make love he likes to wear his Yale sweater."
"I see," the doctor says. He completes her examination and then calls in the next woman. When he examines her, he sees a big "H" on her chest.
Again, the doctor inquires about the letter. "How did you get a big "H" on your chest?" he asks.
The woman replies, "That's from my husband's sweater. He went to Harvard, and when we make love he likes to wear his Harvard sweater."
The doctor nods his head and completes her examination. He then calls in the last woman. She also has a letter on her chest, a big "M."
"Don't tell me," he says. "Your boyfriend went to Michigan!"
"No," she says. "My girlfriend went to Wisconsin."

Short humor jokes-Email on 1st April

If you're in the armed services, and it's April 1st, and you get an
e-mail message to call Colonel Sanders for new orders, don't.

Blonde jokes-Winter blonde

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up.
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window.
Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in New York and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"

Really funny jokes-If

If a bra is an
upper topper titty flopper stopper,
and a jock strap is a
lower decker pecker checker,
and a roll of toilet tissue is a
super duper doody pooper scooper,
what do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?
A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.

Clean jokes

1) Long back, people who sacrificed their sleep, forgot their family, forgot food, forgot laughter were called "Saints", But now they are called.. "IT professionals"

2) An interesting line written at the back of a Biker's T Shirt : "If you are able to see this, please tell me that my girlfriend has fallen off"

3) Most Relationships fail not because of the absence of love.
Love is always present.. Its just that, One loves too much, And the other loves too many

4) Employee: Boss, Now I have got married..! Please increase my salary..!
BOSS: Factory is not responsible for accidents occurring outside the company..!

Adult jokes-Balls

After his day's sightseeing, an American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious- looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste!
Those are bull's balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving a day, since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!"

The next morning, the American returned and placed his order. That evening, he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter promptly replied, "Si, senor! Sometimes the bull wins!"

Really funny jokes-Babies

There were three fathers to be in a hospital waiting room, waiting for their babies to be born.
The first nurse comes out and tells the first father, "Congratulations you're the father of two beautiful twins!"
Amazed, the man says, Great! I am the manager for the Minneasota Twins.
The second nurse comes out and tells the second father, "Congratulations you're the father of three beautiful triplets!"
Amazed, he says, "That's cool I work for 3M."
All of a sudden, the third father opens the window and jumps out.
The third nurse comes out, and asks, "Where's the third father?"
One of the other fathers said, "Oh he jumped out the window.."
The nurse asks, "Why?"
He replied, "He works for Seven Up!"

Doctor jokes-Swallow

"Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade. "
"Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?"
"Yeah, I shaved with the electric razor."

Adult jokes-Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the Child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey, 'she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without. Send extra sauce.'

Humor jokes-Feel Better Now

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.
She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me ... the whole world hates me!"
Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

Really funny jokes-A Speeding Ticket !!

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange
Officer: May I see your driver's license
Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen.
Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in the glove box
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK!!
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation
Captain: Sir, can I see your license
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain: Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

Kids jokes-Why?

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, an laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.

"Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"

Funny jokes-Longer Dipstick

A woman pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes a dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant: "Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?"
"May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?"
"Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!!"