Really funny jokes-"Awful 4-letter Words"

A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
'Well', said her mother, 'so how was the honeymoon?'
'Oh mama', she replied, 'The honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic'.Suddenly she burst out crying.
'But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language -- things I'd never heard before! I mean all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me home! PLEASE MAMA!'
'Sarah, Sarah', her mother said, 'calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful?
WHAT 4-letter words?'
Sobbing, the bride said, 'Oh, Mama..., he used words like: dust, wash, iron, and cook...'

Really funny jokes-Brief survey

Bonnie heard the telephone ring upstairs. Tiredly, she ran back up the stairs only to hear a solicitor on the other end. "Hello, is this Bonnie Goldman?"
"Yes."
"We are calling people in your area and would like to know if you would help us by participating in a brief survey."
Without missing a beat, she told them, "I'm very busy right now. You will have to survey your own briefs."

Funny jokes-Deodorant

Dara walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for a bottom deodorant. "Sorry, we don't sell bottom deodorant" the pharmacist replies, struggling to keep from laughing.

"But I always buy it here", Dara says. "I bought one last month".

Thinking quickly, the pharmacist suggests, "I don't know what you bought before, may be you can bring in the empty container next time".

"Sure", Dara replies. "I'll bring it with me tomorrow"

The next day, Dara walks into the shop again and hands the pharmacist an almost empty deodorant stick.

"This is just a normal deodorant", the pharmacist tells Dara, "You use it under your arms"..

"No, it is not", Dara answers, "it says so here: To apply, push up bottom".

Really funny jokes-Still love her

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.
"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I'm in the doghouse."
"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.
"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."
"That's easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, 'Of course I will.'"
"Yeah," says the other man, "that's what I MEANT to say. But what came OUT was, 'Of course I do.'"

Short humor jokes-Bobbing

Michael Jackson tried killing himself Wednesday morning by jumping off his boat . The police found him last night bobbing up and down on a small buoy.

Kids jokes-How to make babies

When the second grader arrived home from school, she excitedly ran up to her mom and said, "Guess what we learned today, mommy? How to make babies."
Her mother was more than surprised, but did her best to remain calm. She knew that this day would come, but she had hoped it wouldn't have been so soon. "How interesting dear," her mother said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's really simple," replied the little girl. "All you have to do is change the 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

Funny jokes-Alaskan and Texan

An Alaskan and a Texan met in New York and decided to do the town together. After many bars they found themselves walking across Brooklyn Bridge. They decided to stop and relieve themselves. As they were standing there adding to the pollution, the Texan turned to the Alaskan and said, "Water's cold!" The Alaskan replied, "Deep too."

Animal jokes

Q: After eating a meal at a restaurant, what did the duck say to the waiter?
A: Put it on my bill.

Q: What time do ducks wake up in the morning?
A: At the quack of dawn.

Really funny jokes-Generation Gap

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
"You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one !", the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.
"The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with DSL, BPS, light-speed processing .... and" pausing to take another drink of beer.... The Senior took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young, so we invented them. Now, you - arrogant little - what are you doing for the next generation?"

Doctor jokes-Examination

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said,
"I can't find a cause for your complaint.Frankly, I think it's due to drinking."
"In that case," said the patient,
"I'll come back when you're sober".

Sardar jokes-Out on Trip

Banta and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon "quickie."
"Don't worry," he purrs. "My wife is out of town on a trip, so there's no risk."
As one thing leads to another, the secretary reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!"
"No problem," Banta replies. "I'll get Jeeto's diaphragm."
After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.
"That woman!" Banta exclaims. "She took it with her! I always knew she didn't trust me!"

Really funny jokes-Game warden

A farmer and his friend were leaning on a fence chatting.
Suddenly, the local Game Warden showed up and insisted on checking the farmer's property and, in particular, a certain field. The farmer refused to allow him access to the field but the Warden insisted he had the right, saying, "I'm the Game Warden and I have a card! This card allows me to go in." Before the farmer could stop him, the Warden was off into the field.
Soon, a horrifying scream pierced the air and the Warden, being chased by a massive bull, reappeared running for his life. "Help, help!" he cried.
The farmer shouted back, "Show him your card! Show him your card!"

Clean jokes-Engine break down

A large two-engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance, one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.
Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill.
The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."

Really funny jokes-Yoga

A young woman who was worried about her habit of biting her fingernails was advised by a friend to take up yoga. She did, and soon her fingernails were growing normally.
Seeing this, her friend congratulated her and said yoga had totally cured her nervousness. "No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe-nails so I bite them instead."

Funny jokes-YMCA

What did Julia say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?

"Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"

Lawyer jokes-Steep

A new client meets a famous lawyer.
Client: Can you tell me how much do you charge?
Lawyer: I charge $200 to answer three questions!
Client: Well that's a bit steep, isn't it?
Lawyer: Yes it is, and what's your third question?

Kids jokes-No use

When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

Really funny jokes-Well, Isn't That Nice!

Two delicate flowers of French womanhood were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion in New Orleans.
The first woman said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."
The second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice."
The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."
Again, the second woman commented, "Well, isn't that nice."
The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yes again, the second woman commented "Well, isn't that nice."
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did your husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
The second woman replied, "My husband sent me to charm school."
"Charm school!" the first woman smiled, "Land sakes, child, what on earth for?"
The second woman responded, "So that instead of saying 'Who gives a darn' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice'."

Doctor jokes-Slowly

Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, it will take just five minutes.
Patient: And how much will it cost?
Dentist: It's $99.
Patient: $99 for just a few minutes work???
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.

Funny jokes-Senior humor

Three old guys, hard of hearing, are out walking.
First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."

Really funny jokes-Remembering things

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. "
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
"Where's my toast ?"

Short funny jokes-Clean Cup

Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too - and be sure the cup is clean!"
Waiter instructs the cook: "Two tea, with one in a clean cup."

Really funny jokes-Hearing Aid

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

Really funny jokes-Iraqi Spies

Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S.
The first spy starts speaking in Arabic.
The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers: "Don't blow our cover. You're in America now. Speak Spanish.

Turn Off Your Cell Phone

I went to the movies the other night and sat in an aisle seat, as I usually do, because it feels a little roomier.

Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out.

"Excuse me. Sorry! Oops. Excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry. Oops! Excuse me."

By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"

"No!" she said in a loud whisper. "The 'Turn Off Your Cell Phone, Please' message just flashed up on the screen and mine is out in the car."

Doctor jokes-Cure for Arthritis

Doctor Simon is known throughout town as one of the best consultants on arthritis. He always has a waiting room full of people who need his advice and specialist treatment. One day, Betty, an elderly lady, slowly struggles into his waiting room. She is completely bent over and leans heavily on her walking stick. A chair is found for her. Eventually, her turn comes to go into Doctor Simon's office.
15 minutes later, to everyone's surprise, she comes briskly out of his room walking almost upright. She is holding her head high and has a smile on her face. A woman in the waiting room says to Betty, "It's unbelievable, a miracle even. You walk in bent in half and now you walk out erect. What a fantastic doctor he is. Tell me, what did Doctor Simon do to you?"
"Miracle, shmiracle," says Hetty, "he just gave me a longer walking stick."

Kids jokes-Age

When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised. "mine says I'm four to six."

Really funny jokes-Where did you start?

My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

Short humor jokes-Tired on April 1st

Q: Why are infantry soldiers so tired on April 1st?
A: Because they have just finished a thirty-one day March.

Really funny jokes-Multiple Storms

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.
"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?" asked the captain.
"Throw out an anchor, sir." replied the naval student.
"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" asked the captain.
"Throw out another anchor, sir." answered the student.
"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do?" asked the captain.
"Throw out another anchor." replied the student.
"Hold on," said the Captain. "Where are you getting all your anchors from?"
The naval student replied, "From the same place you're getting all of your storms, sir."

Funny jokes-Walking the dogs

Carla was walking her dogs when a man walking in the opposite direction says "oh my, you have such beautiful dogs.. what are their names?"

Carla replies "Well, the taller one is Timex and the shorter one is Rolex."

The man responds "Huh.. that's interesting. . why did you name them such names?"

Carla sighs and shakes her head "Everyone keeps asking me the same thing... duhh, what else can you name your watch dogs??"

Really funny jokes-Guide dogs

A man is walking his dog in a park when he meets another man, also walking his dog. They say hello and start to talk about their dogs. One has a chihuahua and the other a doberman.
They decide to rest for coffee and they walk into a local cafe. Upon seeing a 'no animals allowed' sign, the man with the doberman says
"Don't worry, put on these dark glasses. We'll pretend these are our guide dogs".
So the men do this and go into the cafe. When the waiter comes over, he says to the man with the doberman "I'm sorry sir, but we do not allow animals in here. You'll have to take that dog outside."
"But this is my guide dog," says the man.
"A doberman! A doberman isn't a guide dog," says the waiter.
"Actually, a doberman is particularly suited to being a guide dog nowadays. They provide lots of security and they are very well mannered."
"Oh, alright then," says the waiter, and then he notices the other dog. "Excuse me sir, but you can't have that dog in here," he says to the other man.
"Oh yes I can, this is my guide dog" says the man.
"But that dog is a chihuahua! A chihuahua isn't a guide dog!" says the waiter.
The man exclaims "what, they gave me a chihuahua?!"

Doctor jokes-The cure

A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched back to the first and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard.
"Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"

Humor jokes-Last meal

Three guys are about to be executed and they are asked what they wish to have for their last meal.
The Italian responds, Pepperoni Pizza, which he is served and then executed.
The Frenchmen requests a Fillet Mignon, which he is served and then executed.
The Newf requests a plate of strawberries.
"STRAWBERRIES ????"
"Yes, Strawberries."
He is told "But they are out of season!"
"So, I'll wait."

Really funny jokes-The worst hijacking

We shall never know the identity of the man who in 1976 made the most unsuccessful hijack attempt ever.
On a flight across America, he rose from his seat, drew gun and took the stewardess hostage. "Take me to Detroit," he demanded.
"We're already going to Detroit," she replied.
"Oh ... good," he said, and sat down again.

Short humor jokes-Responsible

In this job we need someone who is responsible, " said the employer.
"Then I'm your man," answered the potential employee. "On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.

Really funny jokes-Genie

One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside.
He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever even dared try."
"Poof!" said the genie.
"You're a housewife."

Really funny jokes-Extra tests

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hindlegs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again.
The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill.
"$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have only been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

Doctor jokes-Pill

A man limped into a hospital to have his foot X-rayed, and was asked to wait for the results.
Some time later an orderly appeared and handed the man a large pill. Just then a mother with a small child in need of immediate attention entered.
After the orderly disappeared with the new patient, the man hobbled over to get a glass of water, swallow the pill, and sat down to wait. Some time later the orderly reappeared carrying a bucket of water.
"Okay," he said, "Just drop the pill in this bucket and soak your foot for a while."

Kids jokes-Comb

Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."

Really funny jokes-Hate to go to school

One early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.
MOM: "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school."
SON: "But why, Mama? I don't want to go to school."
MOM: "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go to school."
SON: "One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me."
MOM: "Oh! that's not a reason. Come on, you have to go to school."
SON: "Give me two good reasons WHY I *should* go to school?"
MOM: "One, you are FIFTY-TWO years old. Two, you are the PRINCIPAL of the school"

Humor jokes-Can't sleep

It's 3:00 A.M. and Mona wakes up to see her husband pacing the floor. "Morris, why can't you sleep?" she asks him.
"You know our next door neighbor, Patel. I borrowed $1000 from him, and it's due tomorrow morning and I don't have the money.
I don't know what I'm going to do." Mohinder replies.
Mona gets out of bed and opens the window. "Patel!" she shouts, and several times more, "Patel! Patel!" Finally a very groggy Patel opens the window opposite her and yells back, "What, what is it? It's 3 AM, what do you want?"
Mona says, "You know the $1000 my husband owes you? He doesn't have it."
She then slams the window shut and turns to Mohinder and says, "Now you go to sleep and let Sam pace the floor."

Really funny jokes-Mike is dead

Two guys meet up in a bar. The first one asks, "Did you hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"
"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"He was wrecking my house."

Short humor jokes-Gangster's son

Q: What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I never told them anything."