Adult funny jokes-Indian names

A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"
His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation.
Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.
For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.
Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.
It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in China?

Really funny jokes-Blonde humor

One day, a blond and her male co-worker are sitting in the lunch room, and the guy says, "I can't take anymore today, I am going home!" The blond replies, "You can't just get up and leave. You'll be fired!". "Not to worry, I am going to be sent home. I have an idea." the guy says and leaves the room.
The blond finishes her lunch and heads back into work, to see her co-worker hanging upside down from the ceiling, yelling over and over, "I'm a lightbulb!". The owner hears this and comes down. He takes one look at the guy, hanging upside down, yelling he is a lightbulb, and sends him home for the rest of the day, with pay, so he can rest, because he has obviously been working to hard.
The guy gets down off the ceiling, thanks the owner and leaves.
The blond turns around and starts to leave. The owner yells to her, "Hey where the heck do you think you are going?" The blond replies, "I'm going home. You can't expect me to work in the dark!"

Adult jokes-Priceless

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge." she responded.
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on Cop's face.......... PRICELESS

Really funny jokes-Skinny Dippers

An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said,
"I'm here to feed the alligator."

Short funny jokes-Love

Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love

Adult funny jokes-Riddle

Here is a riddle for the true intellectual. Try to come up with the answer on your own. The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through.
Here's the riddle:
At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite
sides of the earth:
1. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor.
2. The other is getting a blow job from an 85-year-old toothless woman.
They are both thinking the exact same thing. What are they both thinking?


Don't look down.

Really funny jokes-Good Investment

A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:
"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"

Adult jokes-The BEST put-down line ever

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an 'Australian treasure!'
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! It is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove, who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Really funny jokes-Date

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she had been stood up. Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and hot chocolate and resigned herself to an evening of TV.
No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her door bell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late and you're still not ready!?"

Kids jokes-Alike

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.

Funny adult jokes-Two Friends

Two friends decided to join a nudist club. One was 6 1/2 feet tall, and the other was 5 1/2 feet tall.
But they were soon asked to leave the club as one was always sticking his nose in other peoples business and the other was always sticking his business in other peoples noses !

Blonde jokes-Pilot dead

A blonde is on board a small two-seater plane when suddenly the pilot dies. Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio. "Mayday, Mayday! My pilot just died!" she screams.
Ground control receives her call for help and answers back: "Don't worry, Madam. I'll talk you down; just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position."
"I'm 5"2' and sitting in the front."

Adult jokes-Blind Man

A mother of two 16 year old blonde daughters had just bought a new house in a new town. So they were buying paint, shades and all that you would need for a new place.
The mother left the house to go shopping. She told the girls that she wanted them to paint the family room but, NOT get any paint on their clothes.
After the mother left the two daughters decided that they should just take off all their clothes to obey their mother. So there they were painting naked when they heard a knock at the door.
So they both went to the door and said "Who is it?"
The reply was " The blind man."
So the two blondes thought ... He's blind, so he won't be able to see us naked. They let him in.
The man said "Nice tits lady, now where do you want the blinds?

Really funny jokes-Airlines

At the airport for a trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35.
Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41.
Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So again we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.
Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke "Thank You for participating in the Airlinr's physical fitness program."

Short humor jokes-Feeding

An elephant is walking through the jungle when he comes across a naked man standing in a clearing.
The elephant slowly looks the man up an down and says, "How the hell do ya feed yourself with that?"

Really funny jokes-Merits of a mistress

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells
of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.
The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems.
The computer scientist says, "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife. And I can spend all night on the computer!"

Adult funny jokes-Hobby

Upon reaching 65, old Gary decided to retire.
After having him under foot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him.
She suggested he goes and does something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a hobby.
Old Gary obliged and went out for a couple of hours.
When he got home Pat asked about his day and he replied,
"Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys. And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club."
"What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes again?"
"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."
"Old man!!!!!, you need glasses! This is a membership in a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
"Oh, great! Now what am I going to do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"

Really funny jokes-Love to be six again

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her 40th birthday.
"I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then, it was off to a movie - the latest Disney and what a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?"
One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

Humor jokes-Toilet brush

While Bubba and Billy Bob, two rednecks from Lenoir,N.C. were in the local Wal-Mart they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.
Billy Bob won 1st place; a years supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.
Bubba won 6th prize; a toilet brush.
About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great!, I love spaghetti!"
Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush?
"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

Blonde jokes-University Final Exam

The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She took her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration took her purse out, removed a coin and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class was sweating it out.
During the last few minutes, she was seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating.
The moderator, alarmed, approached her and asked what was going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour. But," she said, "I am rechecking my answers!!!"

Adult jokes-95th Birthday

A couple has been married for 75 years.
For the husband's 95th birthday, his wife decides to surprise him by hiring a prostitute.
That day, the doorbell rings. The husband uses his walker to get to the door and opens it.
A 21-year-old in a latex outfit smiles and says,
"Hi, I'm here to give you super sex!"
The old man says, "I'll take the soup."

Kids jokes-Fire truck with Dog

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs,"
she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants"

Really funny jokes-Conductor's humor

Bob is a favorite conductor among commuters on the Long Island Rail Road.
He has great rapport with the regulars, but occasionally runs into a problem rider.
One passenger, for instance, seemed irritated at having to hand over his ticket to be punched.
"Where are you going today?" Bob asked, smiling.
"Well, what does the ticket say?" replied the traveler sarcastically.
"Um, it says you're on the wrong train," Bob informed him.
"What am I supposed to do now?" asked the flustered passenger.
Returning the punched card, Bob replied calmly, "Ask the ticket."

Blonde jokes-Zip code

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box

Funny jokes-Attraction to old man

An affluent old man marries a beautiful young woman.
Tabloid interviewer asked the woman, "What did it attract you in this Old man that you married him."
The woman explained, "I was attracted with a big number of dollars and a small number of days ahead."

Adult funny jokes-Where do Redhead babies come from?

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.
"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations. "
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?" The man seemed a bit ashamed.
"I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."

Humor jokes-Sandwiches

My girlfriend and I were picking up some sandwiches from the sub place last week and she asked the clerk which of two sandwiches was better.
The clerk didn't have an opinion but did say that the first sandwich was more expensive.
My girlfriend got a quizzical look on her face and asked, "If that's the case, why are they both listed with the same price on the menu?"
To this, the clerk responded, "I don't think we add tax to the turkey."

Really funny jokes-Grabbing nose

One day a woman was holding her 6 month old nephew and the baby kept grabbing her nose.
Her husband, thinking he was being clever, said, "Well you know Hun, babies grab the biggest thing they see."
She replied, "If that's true, you could be sitting there naked and he would STILL be grabbing your nose!"

Short humor jokes-Insured

Darling," said the affectionate husband, "I've insured myself for $1,000,000. If anything happens to me you will be provided for."
"Good," said his loving wife, "Now you won't have to call the doctor every time you feel sick."

Blonde jokes-Paint my porch

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Adult jokes-Census

A census taker in a rural area went up to a farmhouse and knocked.
When a woman came to the door, he asked her how many children she had, and their ages.
She said, "Les' see now, there's the twins, Sally and Billy, they're thirty-two. And the twins, Seth & Beth, they're twenty-six. And the twins, Penny and Jenny, they're twenty-four .. "
"Hold on!" said the census taker, "Did you get twins EVERY time?"
The woman answered, "Heck no, there were hundreds of times we didn't get nuthin'.

Kids jokes-Grandma

After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"

Really funny jokes-108th Birthday

Reporters from the Jewish Chronicle are interviewing Sadie, who is celebrating her 108th birthday.
"Sadie, dear, can you please tell us what you think is the best thing about being 108? I'm sure our readers would love to know," one of the reporters asks.
Sadie replies, "There's no peer pressure."

Blonde jokes-Ice fishing

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject and, finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved farther down the ice, poured a thermos of Cappuccino and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens The voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved clear down to the opposite end of the Ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and asked,
"IS THAT YOU, LORD?"
The voice replied,
"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

Adult funny jokes-Ah married life...

3 women: one engaged, one a mistress, and one married, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men... that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stiletto's and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet again...
The engaged girlfriend: 'the other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me with the leather bodice, 12 cms stilettos and mask. He saw me he said: 'you are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long.'
The mistress: 'Ah! me too, the other night I met my lover in the office and I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat, when I opened the raincoat... he did not say anything... but we had wild sex all night.'
The married one: 'the other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes... my husband comes back from work, opens the door and says........ ......
'Alright Batman, what's for dinner...?'

Humor jokes-Unbreakable

A man walks into a glass shop, interested in buying an expensive art piece to keep as a family heirloom. One gorgeous glass art piece catches his eye under the banner "UNBREAKABLE" . However, it has no price marked.
"Pardon me," he says to the shopkeeper, "but what is the price on this piece marked "unbreakable? "
"One hundred thousand dollars." replies the storekeeper.
Gasping for his next breath, he inquired why the price should be so high.
"Like the sign says, it's unbreakable! " To be sure, the man asked again if this item was indeed unbreakable. The owner again assured him it was so. The third time the man asked, the keeper was a bit terse and told him to buy the piece and see for himself that it would not break.
The man greatly admired the piece, and so he paid the $100,000 and took it home, where it was put on display in a protective case. He had an occasion to visit the glass shop again the next month and told the storekeeper how much care he had taken to protect and preserve the beautiful piece. As he looks around, he sees one of the pieces he'd seen the month before, which was only $500, now sitting under the "UNBREAKABLE" banner.
"Excuse me, but how can that piece be unbreakable, too - it only costs $500, and last month was in the display cabinet mixed together with these other pieces!"
"No, it's one hundred thousand dollars - it's unbreakable, now, too." the storekeeper replied.
"How can you be so sure?" he demands.
"Because the schmuck who pays 100 bills for that thing is going to take as much care with *it* as you did with yours!"

Adult jokes-Doctor's advice

Que. What advice does the doctor give to sick prostitutes?
Ans. Stay out of BED for two days.

Really funny jokes-Eccentric professor

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all.
His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

Kids jokes-Feeding

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

Funny adult jokes-Viagra

A man gets his new prescription for Viagra, and starts home to get ready for when his wife gets home.
He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."
"Perfect," she replies.
The man thinks her agreement is great because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits.
Well, an hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife...
She calls him on the cell phone and says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice.
"What should I do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper. .."

Blonde jokes-Sod

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job.
In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.
The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "green side up!"
In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow.
He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "green side up!"
The lady was somewhat curious, but she said nothing.
In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color.
The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "green side up!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

Really funny jokes: Ex-wife

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the Den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag Him?"
The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife."
"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.
"My ex-wife" replied the hunter.

Humor jokes-Good Golfer

A golfer tees up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took another mighty swing; the ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter saw him coming and asked, "Are you a good golfer", to which the man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?"

Kids Jokes-Bruise

Jim: "How did you get that bruise on your arm?"
Joe: "I ate some Easter candy."
Jim: "Eating Easter candy won't give you a bruise."
Joe: "It will if it's your big brother's candy".

Adult jokes-Condom Slogans

1. Cover your stump before you hump
2. Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12. If you go into heat, package your meat
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18. The right selection will protect your erection
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil
20. A crank with armor will never harm her
21. No glove, no love !

Really funny jokes-Woman's revenge

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

Really funny jokes-Black eye

Little Johnny comes home from catholic school with a black eye. His father see's it and says "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"
But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!
"Johnny", the father said. You don't do those kind of things to women.
Sure enough, the very next day Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue.
Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"
"But Dad" Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled t out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

Blonde jokes-Jack's telephone number

Blonde Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Blond Caller: "On page 1 section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"

Kids jokes-Teacher's Pet

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet it's some flowers!"
"That's right!" shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is! It's a box of candy!"
"That's right!" shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue.
"Is it champagne?" she asked.
"No," the boy answered.
"What is it?" she said.
"A puppy!"

Adult funny jokes-Married in 70's

Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their Seventies when they got married. They had to wait for Mildred's mother to pass away first. Back in those days there was no hanky panky before marriage so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.
Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all these years. However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not do it.
Chester is now sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detects a little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she is shy he sends her off to the bathroom to get undressed. When she reappears in her silk satin nightie, he gets her to sit next to him on the bed. Not knowing how to get things started he pulls the first strap on her nightie.
She blushes just as red as her silk satin nightie. She is really concerned about telling Chester about her heart condition.
In the meantime Chester is looking at the first breast he has not seen since his own mother's. It is hanging there down to her belly button: gravity having taken it's course over some sixty years.
He realizes her anxiety but figures she is going have to be helped a little more. Now he pulls the second strap and sees the second breast unroll downward before him.
Poor Mildred is now beside herself. She is going to have to tell Chester about her heart. With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she says, "Chester I have acute angina."
Chester says, "I sure hope so. Cuz you've sure got ugly tits."

Really funny jokes-What Do Retired People Do All Day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

An old man once told us......
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a policeman writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a shit-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus.
We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

Adult jokes-At Cocktail party

Three young women are at a cocktail party.
The conversation turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they're trying to one-up each other.
The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.
Young woman number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect thing."
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my folks' house in Terre Haute for two weeks."
The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes; it's a Plymouth."
"Well, I've got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg."

Really funny jokes-Bad news, good news, great news!

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Canadian man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. 'We're sorry sir, But we have some information about your wife,' said one Mountie.
'Tell me! Did you find her?' the anguished husband sobbed.
The Mounties looked at each other. One said, 'We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?'
Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said, 'Give me the bad news first.'
The Mountie said,'I'm sorry to tell you, Sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay.'
'Oh my God!' exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, 'What's the good news?'
The Mountie continued,'When we pulled her up, she had twelve 25 lb. snow crabs & 6 good-size lobsters clinging to her.'
Stunned, the husband demanded,'If that's the good news, what's the great news?'
The Mountie said, 'We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow!'

Humor jokes-Faithful husband

Sylvia and Theresa were shopping when Sylvia volunteered that her husband was a completely faithful man. "He never so much as looks at another woman," she said.
It's the same with my Harold," Theresa said. "He's too good, too decent, too kind and....too old."

Really funny jokes-Hard of hearing

An old man goes to the doctor for his yearly physical, his wife tagging along.
When the doctor enters the examination room, he tells the old man,
"I need a urine sample, a stool sample and a sperm sample."
The old man, being hard of hearing, looks at his wife and yells: "WHAT? What did he say? What's he want?"
His wife yells back, "He needs your underwear!"

Blonde jokes-Engine trouble!

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry, we can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry, we still have one engine left."
A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

Adult Sex Quiz

Q.)Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.)So men can be open minded.

Q.)What's the speed limit of sex?
A.)68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q.)What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.)You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q.)How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.)One of his fingers is clean.

Really funny jokes-Angry woman

While my friend was working as a receptionist for an eye surgeon, a very angry woman stormed up to her desk..
"Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday," she complained.
The doctor came out and tried to calm her down.
"I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing," he said.
"Why do you think your wig was taken here?"
"After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap- looking and ugly. It surely was not the one I came in wearing!"
"I think," explained the surgeon gently, "that means your cataract operation was a success."

Humor jokes-Wife's Birthday

The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel No. 5 for his wife's birthday.
"A little surprise, eh?" smiled the clerk.
"You bet," answered the customer. "She's expecting a cruise."

Really funny jokes-Captain's Speech

"This is Captain Sinclair speaking on behalf of my crew. I'd like to welcome you aboard flight 602 from New York to London . We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic Ocean , you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses"

Clean jokes-Grandma's home

A 6 year old kid was asked where his Grandma lived.
"Oh," he said,"She lives at the Airport and when we want we just go get her. Then when we are done having her visit, we take her back to the Airport."

Adult jokes-5 types of post-marriage sex

The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!"
There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

Really funny jokes-Praise

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, 'I have a Praise.' Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.
The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced. She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'
Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor's say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.'
All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say. A man rose and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "I'm Jim and I want to tell my wife, the word is 'sternum.' "

Blonde jokes-Bowling team

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.
The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"