Funny adult jokes-Polish blonde

A blonde goes into a worldwide message center to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her that it will cost her $300, she exclaims," I don't have that much money. I'll do anything to get a message to my mother!"
To that the man asks, "Anything?"
And the blonde says, "Yes, anything!"
With that the man says, "Follow me."
He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door."
She does this and then he says, "Get on your knees."
She does. He then says, "Take down my zipper."
She does. Then he says, "Go ahead, take it out."
With that, she takes it out and holds it with both hands. And then the man says somewhat impatiently, "Well, go ahead!"
She then brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it very closely to her lips, she says," Hello, Mom?"

Funny jokes-Love and Marriage

The child was a typical four-year-old girl - cute, inquisitive, bright as a new penny.
When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.
One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding
ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.
"Now do you understand?" he asked.
"I think so," she said, "is that when mommy came to work for us?"

Adult humor jokes-Ralph's problem

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.
Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing, and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though RARE, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.
"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.
"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna' lengthen his legs, aren't you?

Really funny jokes-Florist goof-up

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card,.... "Rest in Peace."
The owner was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied,
"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,... 'Congratulations on your new location!'"

Kids jokes-Four little animals

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals."
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"
The little girl said,"A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and of course, I'll need a jackass to pay for all of it."
The teacher fainted.

Funny adult jokes-Discount Store

A woman went to a discount store service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it didn't work. The clerk told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.
Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, "Rub my nipples, rub my nipples." By now a crowd was beginning to gather.
The clerk ran away to get the store manager who asked the lady what was wrong. She explained once again that she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The manager also told her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special. Once again, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming, "Rub my nipples, rub my nipples." The crowd was growing larger.
The very embarrassed store manager asked the lady why on earth she was making such a scene and she very demurely replied, "because I like to have my nipples rubbed when I am being screwed."
The crowd exploded in applause; she walked out of the store with a complete refund and a very smug look on her face.

Humor jokes-Indicator

On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."

Funny adult jokes-Dating

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

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Dating Tips

Funny jokes-Dead Camel

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are wandering through the desert, hungry and hallucinating, when they come upon a rotting, dead camel.
"Well," said the Englishman, "I support the Liverpool football club, so I'll eat the liver."
"I support the Hearts club," said the Scotsman, "so I'll eat the heart."
"I support Arsenal," said the Irishman, "but I seem to have lost my appetite."

Really funny jokes-The Promise

My Uncle Ned, all alone, met a girl named Peggy. They fell in love, he promised her that he would give her diamonds, furs, and beautiful dresses.
One day as they were walked down 5th Avenue in New York, they came upon a jewelery store under construction. Peggy looked at my Uncle Ned and said,"You promised me jewels." Uncle Ned proceeded to pick up a fallen brick. He threw it through the window, pulled out and gave her a diamond necklace.
As they strolled own 5th Avenue, they came upon a fur shop. Peggy looked at Uncle Ned and said, "You promised me furs." Uncle Ned picked up another brick, threw it through the window, pulled out a mink and gave it to Peggy.
Strolling down 5th Avenue again, they came upon a fashion store with beautiful dresses. Peggy said, "You promised me beautiful clothes."
Uncle Ned replied, "What do you think I am made of bricks?"

Adult joke - How do you feel about sex ?

In a small town, an elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time.
At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say... I would like it infrequently. "
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked ............
"Is that one word or two?"

Short humor jokes-Mating call

Q: What's the mating call of the redhead?
A: "Next!"

Humor jokes-Fine tea!

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'

Really funny jokes-Mid life crisis

When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said,
"Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old blonde.
"Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50-year-old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV."
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid life crisis.

Funny Adult jokes-The Male organ

The only thing not taxed yet is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that 69% of the time it is hanging around unemployed,
10% of the time it is hard up,
20% of the time it is pissed off and
1% of the time it is in the hole.
On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts!
HOWEVER, effective January 1st, 2008, the penis will now be taxed according to size:
The brackets are as follows:
10 - 12" Luxury Tax $300.00
8 - 10" Pole Tax $250.00
5 - 8" Privilege Tax $150.00
3 - 5 " Nuisance Tax $30.00
Males exceeding 12" must file capital gains.
Anyone under 4" is eligible for a tax refund.

Funny jokes-The spill

I was waiting tables at a country club when an elegantly dressed woman spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her white linen skirt. She began furiously dabbing at it with a napkin.
Having plenty of experience with getting out feed stains, I asked, "Can I bring you some club soda?"
"Young lady," she barked, "I'll be the judge of when I've had enough to drink. Bring me another martini!"

Really funny jokes-Never underestimate illiterates.!!!!

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"
The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!
His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.
The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's
my turn."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."

Short funny jokes-Niagara falls

A Texan was standing admiring the beauty of Niagara Falls when a New Yorker standing next to him said sarcastically: "I bet you don't have anything like this in Texas."
"No," said the Texan, "but we've got plumbers who could fix it!"

Funny jokes-Hurt all over

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right
earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

Adult humor jokes-Tenth child

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary.
The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children.
Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected.
With a tear in his eye he asks "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.
Then, finally, she says, "You."

Humor jokes-Three political prisoners

Three political prisoners met in a Cuban prison. They were discussing what for they were arrested.
The first one said, "I was arrested for opposing the views of Lage."
The second one said, "I was arrested for supporting the views of Lage."
They turned to the third one and he said, "I am Lage"

Really funny jokes-Swallowing the coin

A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a coin.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and gasping for breath. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the coin and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a Tea stall in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of Tea.
At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her Tea cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the coin, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, she hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the Tea stall without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied, "I work for the Income Tax Dept."

Funny jokes-The three mice

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The first mouse pounds a shot of scotch, slams the glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "Whenever I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, then press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of sour mash, pounds them both, slams each glass onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up into a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fcuk the cat."

Humor jokes-Will power

Morty arrives home from work and as soon as he sets foot in the house, Sadie is on to him, telling him that their friend Marvin has finally quit smoking.
"Imagine that, Morty," she says, "Someone who smoked 3 packs a day for 20 years has stopped smoking all of a sudden. Now that's what I call will power - something that you definitely don't have."
But Sadie hadn't finished. "And that's not all. I hear that Bernie, that drunken friend of yours, is finally giving up drinking - another example of the kind of will power that you don't have."
"OK, Sadie," said Morty, "you want to see will power, do you? Well here's will power. I am going to sleep in the spare room from now on. I am going to prove to you that I won't be affected at all by not sleeping with a woman."
Morty keeps to his word.
One night, when he had been sleeping alone for a week, there is a knock on his bedroom door.
Morty shouts out, "What do you want?" Sadie replies, "Er... Marvin has started smoking again."

Adult funny jokes-Asleep on beach

This guy fell asleep on the beach one day and the wind came up and blew sand all over him until he was covered with only his big toe sticking out.
An old nympho was walking down the beach, saw the toe sticking up, pulled down her bikini bottom and squatted over the toe.
She humped away till she was satisfied, pulled up her drawers and left.
The guy woke up, brushed the sand away and left, not knowing what happened. The next day his foot itched like hell, and had a sore on it.
He went to the Dr. and after an exam the doc told him he had syphilis of the big toe.
"Syphilis of the big toe?", he inquired, "isn't that rare."
The doc said "You think that's rare, I had a woman in here this morning with athlete's pussy."

Really funny jokes-Little guy on a plane

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can move aside to let him go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and hurls all over the big guy's chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling any better now?"

Adult humor jokes-The old man

Upon reaching 65, old Gary decided to retire.
After having him under foot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him. She suggested he goes and does something to occupy his time, like join a club or get a hobby.
Old Gary obliged and went out for a couple of hours.
When he got home Pat asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the park and hung out with the guys. And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club."
"What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes again?"
"Yeah, look I even got a membership card."
"Old man!!!!!, you need glasses! This is a membership in a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
"Oh, great! Now what am I going to do? I signed up for 5 jumps a week!"

Short funny jokes-Clock in jail

Q: Why can't you keep a clock in jail?
A: Because time is always running out.

Funny jokes-The lottery

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

Humor jokes-Night stealing

A man got a job as a night watchman at a factory. There had been a lot of thefts by the workers on the night shift, and so every morning when the night shift workers passed through his gate it was his job to check their bags and pockets to make sure that nothing was being stolen.
Things were going along very well the first night on the job until a man pushing a wheelbarrow of newspaper came through his gate. Aha, he thought, that man thinks he can cover up what he is stealing with that newspaper. So he removed the paper only to find nothing.
Still he felt that the man was acting strangely, so he questioned him about the paper.
"I get a little extra money from newspapers I recycle, so I go into the lunchroom and pick up all the ones people have thrown away."
The guard let him pass, but decided to keep a close eye on him.
The next night it was the same, and the night after that.
Week after week it went on. The same guy would push the wheelbarrow of newspapers past the guard's checkpoint. The guard would always check and find nothing.
Then one night, about a year later, the guard reported for work only to find a message had been left for him telling him to report to his supervisor.
He walked into the supervisor's office and before he could say a word, the boss said, "You're fired!"
"Fired?" he asked in total surprise. "Why? What did I do?"
"It was your job to make sure that no one stole anything from this plant and you have failed. So you're fired."
"Wait a minute, what do you mean failed. Nobody ever stole anything from this place while I was on guard."
"Oh, really," the boss answered. "Then how do you account for the fact that there are 365 wheelbarrows missing?

Adult humor jokes-Opening for Gynecologist's Assistant

A young man goes into the Job Centre in Jacksonville, Florida , and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.
Interested he goes to learn more - 'Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind the desk.
The Job Centre man sorts through his files & replies - 'Oh yes here it is: The job entails you getting the lady patients ready for the gynecologist.
You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and carefully wash their genital regions.
You then apply shaving foam and gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles fom here.'
'Oh why, is that where the job's is located?'
'No sir - that's where the end of the applicants line is!'

Funny jokes-Good reason

Ram, a middle aged Indian immigrant in Dallas, Texas bought a brand new convertible Porsche.
He took off down the road and pushed it up to 160 MPH and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.
"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed.
But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Ford Crown Victoria Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 mph to escape being stopped.
Then he thought, what the hell am I doing? "I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.
The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's side.
"Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Wednesday 22 November a day before Thanksgiving "If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go."
The man looked back at the Policeman and said, "Last week my wife ran off with an American Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back."
The Policeman said, "Have a nice day, sir"

Really funny jokes-Cats' skills

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, "T-square, do your stuff."
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better.
He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff."
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies ............ Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said "Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?"
The Government Employee called his cat and said..... "Coffee Break.....do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet ...
Ate the cookies.... .
Drank the milk.....
Sh*t on the paper.....
Screwed the other three cats....
Claimed he injured his back while doing so....
Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.. ....
Put in for Workers Compensation. ..............and
Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave..........!!!!

Humor jokes-My daddy

My five year old daughter asked me the question I'd been dreading. "Mommy , how are babies made?"
I did my best to explain but she still looked confused.
"What about kittens? She asked.
"Well it's exactly then same way, " I said.
"Wow!" she said excitedly. "My daddy can do anything"

Humor signs

On a Toilet door:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Adult humor jokes-Sex signs

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to
communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time".
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times."

Really funny jokes-Go to Heaven

"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class.
"NO!" the children all answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?"
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
"Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

Adult jokes-Wild blonde

A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video.
She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.
To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
Mary: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static."
Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"
Mary: "Head Cleaner."

Humor jokes-Jewish grandma

A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there ..he was swept away.
The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries: Lord, my GOD, how could you? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother? Haven't I been a wonderful mother? Haven't I kept a kosher home? Haven't I given to charity? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of?
A voice booms from the sky, "All right already!"
A moment later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there. He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.
The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied?"
She responds, "He had a hat."

Short humor jokes-Ad campaign

Seen a new local ad campaign being run for the northern snow birds by our county tourist board.
Against a drop dead sunset beach picture, It reads .... "Come to the SW coast of Florida this winter for your family vacation ! It's got everything. Sand for the children, fishing galore for Dad, sun for the wife, and plenty of sharks for the mother-in-law"

Really funny jokes-Old goats

A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through a process of cheese making.
Explaining that goats milk was used. she showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced.
She then asked, "What do you do in America with your older goats?".
A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours"

Adult humor jokes-For old times sake

A man ran into his ex-wife at a restaurant in New York. Being a sophisticated person, he said to her, "Would you be interested in making love ONE more time, for old times' sake?"
She said "Over MY dead body."
And he said, "Why not? That's the way we always USED to do it."

Funny jokes-Windy

George set out on a very windy day to see his friend Sam who was sick in bed.
Hours later, he pulled his weary body into Sam's house. Sam asked him how it was.
''I'll tell ya, it was just brutal. For every step I took forwards, I fell back two steps.''
''Then how ever did you make it over here?'' Sam asked.
''Well, finally I gave up, so I turned around and headed for home.''

Really funny jokes-The three patients

One morning at a doctor's surgery a patient arrives complaining of serious back-pain. The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your back?"
The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him, That's how I strained my back"
The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?"
He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."
The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.... .?"
"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"

Humor jokes-Jury exemption

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called to remind the people at the clerk's office that she was exempt because of her age.
"You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," they said.
"I've already done that," she replied. "I did it last year."
"You have to do it every year," she was told.
"Why?" came the response. "Do you think I'm going to get younger?"

Adult funny jokes-Moon landing

Shortly after his spaceship landed on the moon, the astronaut debarked and began exploring the strange new terrain. He had walked for only fifteen minutes when he came upon a lovely young moon girl, who was busily stirring the contents of a meteoroid pot.
"Hi," he said, introducing himself. "I'm an astronaut, here to discover everything I can about life on the moon."
The moon girl stopped stirring long enough to throw him a smile. "How interesting it is that you are formed just like our moon men," she observed, looking him up and down. Pointing to her own, quite naked body, she asked, "And am I structured as are earth woman?"
"Yes, you are," answered the astronaut. "But tell me, why do you stir that pot?"
"I'm making a baby," she said. And sure enough, a few minutes later, a baby appeared in the pot.
"Would you like to see how we make babies on earth?"
asked the astronaut, by now considerably aroused. The girl said she would, so the astronaut proceeded with a passionate demonstration.
"That was enjoyable," she said afterward, "but where is the baby?"
"Oh, that takes nine months," explained the astronaut.
"Nine months?" she asked. "Then why did you stop stirring?"

Short funny jokes-Cheering crowd

As the regiment moved out, the crowd cheered. One soldier asked another, "Who are all those cheering people?"
The veteran answered, "They're the ones who aren't going."

Funny jokes-Rectal thermometer

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermo- meter and tries to write with it. She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great......just great.....Some asshole's got my pen."

Really funny jokes-Good news

The doctor looked at the woman who had come to him for an examination.
"Mrs. Smith, I have some good news for you."
The woman said, "I'm glad to hear that doctor, but I'm Miss Smith, not Mrs."
"Oh. Well, in that case Miss Smith," said the doctor without changing expression, "I have some bad news for you."

Adult humor jokes-Pure wife

There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home.
When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?"
She replies "A cock."
He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough. A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question.
She replies, "A cock".
He is angry because she seemed more pure than the first but.... A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house.
He whips it out and asks, "What is this?"
She giggles and says, "A pee-pee."
He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman. They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says, "That's your pee-pee."
He finally breaks down and says, "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock."
She laughs and says "No it's not, a cock is ten inches long and black."

Funny jokes-Social Studies

One day a small boy was at school. In Social Studies class his teacher was talking about peoples last names, about how in the old days their last name used to be their occupation. She gave examples like Baker, which meant they where a baker for a living, Miller meant that person worked in a paper mill, and so on.
Then the little boy raised his hand and the teacher said "Do you have an example for the class?"
He said " Not really, more of a question."
"Well whats your question?" the teacher asked.
"Well," said the little boy, " What did John Hancock do for a living?"

Adult jokes-Housewife

A housewife is at home when she suddenly hears a knock on the door.
When she opens the door a man asks her if she has a vagina, the woman slams the door in disbelief of what a stranger has just asked her.
The same thing happens three consecutive days and the woman decides to tells her husband.
The husband says to the wife; "Tomorrow I am not going to work and when the man asks if you have a vagina say 'yes' and I will be hiding behind the door."
The next day the same man comes again and when the woman opens the door he asks, "Do you have vagina?"
"The woman says, "Yes."
"The man then responds, "Good! Then please tell your husband to stop screwing my wife!"

Humor jokes-Hillary fan

A grade school teacher in Steuben County asked her class how many of them are "Hillary fans?"
Not really knowing what a Hillary fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except one boy.
The teacher asked Johnny why he has decided to be different. Johnny says, "I'm not a Hillary fan."
The teacher says, "Why aren't you a Hillary fan?"
Johnny says, "I'm a George Bush fan."
The teacher asks why are you a George Bush fan?
The boy says, "Well, my mom's a George Bush fan and my dad's a George Bush fan, so I'm a George Bush fan!"
The teacher asks, "If your mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot, what would that make you?"
Johnny replies, "That would make me a Hillary fan."

Adult jokes-Lemon squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

Really funny jokes-The Farmer's offer

A farmer went to town to buy a pickup truck that he saw advertised in the paper for a certain price. After telling the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork. The salesman handed the farmer the bill, and the farmer declared, "This isn't the price I saw!" The salesman went on to tell the wise old farmer how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires etc. And that was what took the price up. The farmer needed the truck badly, paid the price and went home.
A few months later, the salesman called up the farmer and said, "My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any for sale?"
The farmer said, "Yes, I have a few cows, and I would sell for $500.00 a piece. Come look at them and take your pick." The salesman said he and his son would be right out. After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the farmer's cows, the two decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write out a check for $500.00.
The farmer said "Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're getting extras with it and you have to pay for that too."
"What extras?" asked the salesman.
Below is the list the farmer gave the salesman for the final price of the cow.

BASIC COW......... ......... ......... ....$500. 00
Two tone exterior.... ......... ......... ....$45.00
Extra stomach..... ......... ......... ........$ 75.00
Product storing equipment... .......$60. 00
Straw compartment. ......... ......... .$120.00
4 Spigots @$10 ea.......... ......... ...$40.00
Leather upholstery.. ......... ......... ..$125.00
Dual horns....... ......... ......... ......... ...$45.00
Automatic fly swatter..... ......... ......$38. 00
Fertilizer attachment.. ......... .......$185. 00
GRAND TOTAL....... ......... ......$1, 233.00

Humor jokes-The Special day

"I bet you don't know what day this is," said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door.
The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker: "Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work.
At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses.
At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.
The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered what could have been a very bad situation.
His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

Adult funny jokes-the secret

Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex.
The first old lady said she enjoyed sex now just as much as ever.
The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was.
The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head. When her husband comes into the bedroom, he gets turned on and has his way with her.
The second old lady decides to try this approach. So that night when she heard her husband coming home, she takes a quick shower, jumps into bed and throws her feet up over her head.
Her husband comes into the bedroom, takes one look and says, "For God`s sake, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you`re starting to look like an asshole!"

Really funny jokes-The problem

A wife awoke early one morning to the sounds of her husband angrily banging around pots and pans in the kitchens. When she goes downstairs, she sees that he is looking for something to eat but, more importantly, is very upset about something.
"What's the problem, darling? Didn't your program work?"
"It worked. I wrote that code until the wee hours of the morning, and it worked!"
"Then what's the matter? Were there a lot of bugs in it?"
"I took special pains to eliminate the bugs. It worked, and it worked perfectly!"
"So what's wrong?"
"I was so tired when I finished, I decided to take a little nap, just for a few minutes."
"Did you not sleep well? Did you have a nightmare?" the concerned wife inquired.
"No, I slept perfectly well ... with my head on the backspace key."

Adult humor jokes-Saving up!

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.
The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years...I thought he meant his money!!"

Humor jokes-Church Sermon

There was this lady who was visiting a church one Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
And the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one ma'am, I'm glad it's done too!!!"

Funny jokes-Job at the Zoo

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo.
As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide.
They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts,
But Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around.
During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!"
The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

Adult jokes-Really funny conversation

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he buys them and wears them home.
Walking proudly, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife,
"Notice anything different about me?"
Margaret looks him over, "Nope".
Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks a little louder this time,
"Notice anything different NOW?"
Margaret looks up and says,

"Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Bert yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN MARGARET?"
"Nope", she replies.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert. Ya shoulda bought a hat."

Really funny jokes-Trumpet

This is a classic joke!!

Thanks for the trumpet you gave me for Christmas," Little Pauly said to his Uncle Professor, the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best Christmas present I ever got."
"That's great," said Uncle Professor. "Do you know how to play it?"
"Oh, I don't play it," Little Pauly said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.

Really funny jokes-Car Accident

Three friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say ...Look, He's Moving!"

Adult humor jokes-Heat of things

Well there's been a lot of complaining , especially in big city fire department over the inclusion in ranks of female fire fighters. The male firemen said it's leading to all kinds of problems on the job.
Recently in Chicago, The fire department finally got a huge fire under control, and the Battalion Chief had all of his men accounted for except Jack Riley and Rosie O'Grady.
After a few minutes' search, the chief looked down an alley, and there's Rosie, leaning over a trash can. Her pants are down to her boots, and Riley is banging away hell bent for leather, ( or in this case rubber ).
The Chief goes epileptic and screams, "What the hell is going on here?"
Riley says, "Rosie passed out from smoke inhalation."
The chief said, "Smoke inhalation? You're supposed to give her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation! "
Riley reports, " Well I did, Chief, but in the heat of things, then one thing led to another..."

Humor jokes-Memory clinic

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"
"Outstanding, " Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques, visualization, and association. It made a huge difference for me."
"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"
Fred went blank and he thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"
"You mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife . . . "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"