Adult humor jokes-Home coming

After the end of the Finnish war, a young female reporter from a British newspaper was sent to Finland to write an article about the soldiers homecoming. She had interviewed half a dozen, when she met Pekka on the street.
"Excuse me," she said, "were you in the war?"
"Yah, I was in the infantry."
"Would you mind answering a few questions for a newspaper article?"
"Nej, I wouldn't mind at all."
"When you came home, when the war was over, what was the first thing you did?"
"I fucked my wife," Pekka said bluntly.
The journalist went crimson, and tried desperately to change the subject.
"After that, I mean. What did you do after that?"
"I fucked her again," he answered.
The journalist turned an even darker shade of red. "Other than that! Uh - what did you do when you were finished with all that?"
"Then I took off my skis, my heavy backpack and ate."

Funny jokes-A day in Court

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high-profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turned to the jury foreman and asked, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?"
"Yes we have, Your Honor," the foreman responded.
"Please pass it to me," the judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.
After the judge read the verdict himself, he delivered the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman. He then instructed the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court."
"We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," announced the foreman.
The family and friends of the defendant jumped for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict, and they hugged each other as they shouted expressions of divine gratitude. The defendant's attorney turned to his client and asked, "So, what do you think about that?"
The defendant looked around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turned to his defense attorney and said, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?"

Adult jokes-Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to the lover, "into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone, " said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"

Really funny jokes-Four weddings!

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
'He's a funeral director,' she answered.
'Interesting, ' the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, 'I married number one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.'

Humor jokes-140 million Iraqis

George W. Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar. A guy walks in and asks the barman, “Isn`t that Bush and Powell sitting over there?”
The barman says, “Yep, that`s them.”
So the guy walks over and says, “Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?”
Bush says, “We`re planning World War III”.
And the guy says, “Really? What`s going to happen?”
Bush says, “Well, we`re going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one intelligent blonde.
The guy exclaimed, “Intelligent blonde!! Why kill a blonde?”
Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, “See, smart ass?! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!”

Really funny jokes-What are you selling?

Two Kiwis are sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.
As yet the store isn't ready...only a few shelves are set up.
One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."
No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious bloke walks to the window, has a peek, and in a Aussie accent asks, "What're yer sellin' here MATE?"
One of the men replies, "We're selling assholes here mate."
Without missing a beat, the Aussie says, "Geez, you must have had a bloody good day, you've only got two left!"

Lawyer jokes-Innocent thief!

A man accused of theft was appearing before the Judge.
"Your Honor," his lawyer said, "I feel it is very unfair for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in this city only a few days ago and barely knows his way around. What's more, he is only able to speak a few words of English."
The judge looked sternly at the defendant and asked, "How much English do you speak?"
The defendant looked up and replied, "Give me your wallet!"

Adult jokes-Sperm count !!

Old people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an arm pit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Really funny jokes-Radio broken

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day, an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a sandstorm.
Several days later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained for the entire day.
"This Indian is amazing," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian failed to show up for a couple of weeks.
Finally, the director sent for him. "I have a big scene to shoot tomorrow," the director said, "and I'm counting on you. What will the weather be like?"
"Not know," replied the Indian, shrugging his shoulders. "Radio broken!"

Humor jokes-A pear

A blonde was passing a fruit stand when she suddenly realized how hungry she was.
"Give me a pear, please." said the bouncy blonde.
"That will be fifty cents." said the clerk.
She ate the pear, but was still hungry, so she ordered another. Still hungry after the second pear, she ordered an apple. After eating the apple she was finally full and wanted a drink, but found that she didn't have enough money left.
"Darn it!" she said to herself, "If I had ordered the apple first I would still have enough money left for that drink!"

Short funny SMS jokes

Enjoy six short funny SMS jokes

Man : "I want to find out if I have the grounds for a divorce."
Lawyer: "Are you married?"
Man: "Why , yes, if course."
Lawyer " "Then you have grounds"


Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home.He probably lies about other things too.


The world's thinnest book has only oneword written in it 'everything' and the book is titled:"What women want!"


There are two times a man doesn't understand a woman,before marriage and after marriage!


Why did you hit your husband with chair?
"I couldn't lift the table"


"You looked troubled" I told my friend , "what's your problem?"
He replied,"I'm going to be a father." "But that's wonderful",I said.
"What's wonderful? my wife doesn't know about it."

Adult jokes-Sex on first date

"Hey Doug," said Bill, "did you know a lot of shrinks say sex on the first date can prohibit any truly meaningful and lasting relationship from ever developing?"
"Damned right!" replied Doug. "I count on it."

Funny jokes-Good choice!!

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway.

Really funny jokes-The Blonde Police Applicant

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The captain says they can't just turn her away, and orders to desk officer to ask her a few questions as if doing an interview.
Not having any idea what to ask her to disqualify her application, the officer asks, "What's 2+2?"
"Ummm... 4!" the blonde says.
Dang, the officer thinks, so tries a harder one: "What's the square root of 100?"
"Ummm... 10!" the blonde says.
"Good!" the officer says, deciding to switch from math to history. "OK, who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
"Ummm... I don't know," she admits.
"Well, you can go home and think about it," he says, "and come back later and tell me what you've figured out." He figures that's the last he'll see of her.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.
"Not only did I get the job," the blonde says, "but I've already been assigned to a murder case!"

Humor jokes-Football match up in Heaven

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about football. This goes on and on with both arguing who would field the best team.
Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral ground between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven.
"But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed, "but we've got all the officials!"

Adult humor jokes-Morning sex

She was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walked in; She turned and said,
You've got to make love to me this very moment."
His eyes lit up and he thought, "This is my lucky day."
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraced her and then gave it his all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, he asked, "What was that all about?"
She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Short humor jokes-Trouble for whom?

It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too much to drink and on his way home rear-ended the car in front of him. The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the other car and said, Boy, are you in trouble? I'm a lawyer!
The driver looked out his window and said, No, you're in trouble. I'm a judge.

Kids jokes-Comparison with God

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked , 'Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?'
I mentally polished my halo, while I asked, 'No, how are we alike?'
'You're both old,' he replied.

Adult humor jokes-Brokeback bar

A cowboy walks into a bar, and two steps in he realizes it's a gay bar.
"What the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink."
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your willy?"
The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink.
"The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the slogan, 'Just Do It.' that guy down at the end of the bar
calls his SNICKERS, because 'It really Satisfies.' "
The cowboy looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of yours?"
The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX."
The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" the fella proudly replies,"Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin!'"
A little shaken, the cowboy turns to the two fella's on his right who just happens to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?"
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job One." "Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY.....'Like a Rock!'"And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my willy is SECRET. Now give me a beer."
The bartender begins to pour the cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asks,"Why Secret?"
The cowboy says, "Because it's 'STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!

Really funny jokes-Man Loses his "Manhood"

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.
The Dr. said that the cost would be $3500 for "small," $6500 for "medium," and $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the Dr. urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The Dr. came back into the room, and found the man looking quite rejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the Dr.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

Adult jokes-Little wider

There was a couple going at it for the first time, and after a while, the guy asks the woman to open her legs a little wider.
She does and they continue.
A few minutes go by and he tells her again, "Open your legs a little wider."
She does, then he says again, "A little wider, hon."
The woman starts getting pissed off but she does it.
This continues until he asks again, "Can you open them just a little wider?"
So she finally yells, "What are you trying to do; get your balls in too?"
He says "No, I'm trying to get them out."

Really funny jokes-Real Estate salesman's honesty

"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both.
"The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north."
"What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer.
"The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

Funny jokes-Married for the 4th time!

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time.
"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."
"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."
"He died of a broken neck."
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

Adult jokes-Empty bank account

The husband was furious when he found out thier bank account was empty. When he confronted his wife, she simply said, "It's my turn."
"What do you mean, your turn?" yelled the husband.
"In bed," she explained, "you've been making early withdrawals for years. Now, it's my turn."

Really funny jokes-The wonderful Patient

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will."
"That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "May I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change."

Short funny Husband - Wife jokes

Enjoy three short funny husband wife jokes.


A Husband said to his wife One day "I don't know how you can be so stupid & so beautiful all at the same time ,"
The wife responded ," Allow me to explain ,God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me ; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !"


Tormented by her husband's infidelities a wife decided to take some decisive action. So the next night she took a magic marker pen and printed the following legend on the crotch of her panties " LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT"

A husband read an article to his wife , about how many words women use a day is 30,000.But in the case of a man it is 15,000.The wife replied "the reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men".The husband then turned to his wife and asked , "What?"

Really funny jokes-Historical

A man complains to a friend, "I can't take it anymore."
"What's wrong?" his concerned friend asks.
"It's my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!"
"You mean hysterical," his friend said, chuckling.
"No, I mean HISTORICAL," the man insists. "Every argument we have, she'll go "I still remember that time when you ...."

Adult jokes-Virgin husband

A very 'straight and honest' girl is going to Town. Before she left, her mother gave her some advice: "Daughter, when you're in Town and if you're looking for a match there, you must take note of the following the requirements mother set for you. You must find a man that is faithful', 'thrifty' and must be a 'virgin'.
With this advice from her mother, the girl went to Town. After some months later, she came home to get her mother's blessings to marry.
"Mother, I've met the my match following your instructions. My future husband is faithful because when we went out for holiday one day, he took care of me specifically even though there were so many prettier girls around. Isn't that being faithful?"
Her mother nodded in agreement.
"Then, since the day was getting late in the night and rain was pouring, my boyfriend decided that we stay the night at a hotel. He also suggested that in order not to spend too much, they'll share one room only. Isn't he not thrifty guy?"
For the second time her mother nodded her head in agreement, but with a little concern.
"And finally mum..., I know he is a virgin"
"How did you know he is still a virgin?" The mother asked with repidition. "MMM...his 'that one' is still new and hard.... All wrapped up in plastic, mum !"

Humor jokes-Elderly womens' woes

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her.
For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

Funny jokes-Cheats

Little Johnny to Billy, "You know, Jane Smith CHEATS!"
"Why do you say that?" asked Billy.
"Well she said she'd show me hers if I showed her mine - but it turns out she hasn't got one!" exclaimed Little Johnny.

Adult funny jokes-Sex education class

After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class was over.
Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend asked, "Lori, what in the world is the matter with you? You look as if you're about to kill someone."
"I am !!!" Lori fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. All summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay' involved tossing a coin for position."

Really Funny jokes-Pregnant unwed daughter

A young unmarried girl discovers that she is pregnant. Scared, She confides this ' news' to her mother.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did This to you?
I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature And distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit steps out of it and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the Girl, and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the Problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family Situation, but I'll take responsibility. If a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However,
If there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You can try again !"

Really Funny jokes-"We Haven't Had Any"

A store manager overheard a clerk saying to a customer, "No, ma'am, we haven't had any for some weeks now, and it doesn't look as if we'll be getting any soon."
Alarmed, the manager rushed over to the customer who was walking out the door and said, "That isn't true, ma'am. Of course, we'll have some soon. In fact, we placed an order for it a couple of weeks ago."
The manager then drew the clerk aside and growled, "Never, never, never, never say we don't have something. If we don't have it, say we ordered it and it's on its way.
"Now, what was it she wanted?"
The clerk answered, "Snow."

Humor jokes-Fast driver

My mother has a "lead foot," so I was not surprised when a state trooper pulled us over as we were speeding through Georgia.
Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when the trooper walked up to the car.
"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.
"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"

Adult jokes-Cow-girl

An attractive cow-girl was traveling from Ft. Worth to Houston, Texas. On the same train was a northerner. (This was obvious because he was carrying a briefcase that had his name and New York engraved on it). The northerner struck up a conversation and proposed a rendezvous at a Houston hotel. "We'll not only have lots of fun," he said, "but I'll give you $50.00."
The cow-girl rose, her eyes flashing, but before she could answer, a tall, lanky cowboy pulled out a revolver from a hidden holster and shot the northerner dead.
While the gun was still smoking, he turned to the others in the car and shouted, "Well, now, are there any more damn Yankees here who want to raise the price of women in Texas?"

Really Funny jokes-Wife duties !

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. The first man had married a woman from New York, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning. He said it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were done.

The second man had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. On the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Tennessee girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

Humor jokes-My Living Will

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive.
That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

Adult jokes-Inside me!

Two college coeds were having a beer. One said to the other, "Mandy was so excited when she found out she was pregnant. She called me late one night after my boyfriend and I had already gone to bed."
What on earth did she want?" her friend asked.
"Oh... she just said, "I can't believe I have a person inside me !"
I said, "So do I. Could I call ya back in an hour or so?"

Sex God Secrets

Really funny jokes-Come Fly with me

Two blind pilots board the plane wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. No one is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of
the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

Sardar jokes-Suger level

Sardar enters kitchen and opens the sugarbox. Sees inside and closes it.
Wife observes the whole episode.
Again he comes and does the same stuff. Wife asks Why are you doing this?
Sardar replies: Doctor told to check sugar level regularly.

Short funny adult SMS jokes

Enjoy 3 funny SMS jokes


Mother asks daughter "How is married life"
Daughter says with shyness "Like the advt. of British Airways"
Mother reads the advt. and shocked : 7 days a week , twice a day , both ways.


Ticket checker fined ticketless girls.Jeans girl is fined Rs.100.Midi girl is Rs.50
Half skirt girl Rs.25.Next girl was fined Rs.0. Why ? Think positive .She had a ticket.


What is difference between
1.Girl friend
2.Lover
3.Wife
4. Stepney

It is simple
1.Prepaid
2.Lifetime
3.Post paid
4. Coinbooth

Adult sex joke - New Couple

A newly wed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

Really Funny jokes-Bikers

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.
The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then he took a seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the counter.
The third walked up to the old man and turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver, either. He just backed his truck over three motorcycles. "

Humor jokes-Wasting your life!!!

A German teenage boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.
"What are you doing?" asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!"
A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, two black eyes and missing all his front teeth.
"What happened?" he asked.
"Oh Grandfather! " replied the boy. "I did what you did! I went to Paris, went to the Moulin Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, pissed all over the barman, and they beat the crap out of me!"
"Oh dear!" replied Grandpa. "Who did you go with?"
"Just some friends. Why? Who did you go with?"
"Oh!" replied Grandpa. "The German army!"

Adult jokes-Newly wed seniors

The newly wed seniors were having sexual problems. The counselor thought it might be due to the fact that the woman was taller. He suggested special shoes with built-up heels to help the man's ego.
The next month, he asked if things had improved in their love life with the shoes.
"Well yes..." the woman replied, "but those shoes get the sheets so dirty."

Really funny jokes-A perfect couple!

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman survived.

She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
****Women, stop reading here, this is the end of the joke.****

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this illustrates another point:
women never listen either

Humor jokes-Looking for liars

A preacher finished the service one morning by saying, "Next Sunday, I am going to preach on the subject of liars. As a preparation for my sermon, I would like you all to read Mark 17."
On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin. Looking out at the congregation he said, "Last week I asked you all to read Mark 17. If you have read the chapter, please raise your hand."
Nearly every hand in the congregation went up. Smiling, the preacher said, "You are the very people I want to talk to. Mark has only 16 chapters."

Really funny jokes-Clever Mom

A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it.
Mom said, 'Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?'
'Uh, oh yeah, OK,' responded the kid.
So Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.
When she gets back, Dad asked, 'Well how much did you give the boy this time?
Mom said, 'Oh, I wrote 2 checks, one for $20, and the other for $1000'
'That's $1020!!!' yelled Dad, 'Are you crazy???'
'Don't worry hon,' Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, 'I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!'

Adult jokes-Boston Irish

Paddy O'Shea got friendly with some of the local Boston Irish, and they took him to an upscale "Irish" pub.
"Amazin', just amazin', that's what America is," he said, looking with delight into his glass. "Never have I been seein' an ice cube with a hole in it!"
"Oi sure have," said his host, Michael Sullivan. "Bin married to one fer 15 year."

Humor jokes-Married 52 years

An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral.
Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man.
"Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife's grave and we just think that so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you."
"No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I'd do it myself, but I'd get arrested for indecent exposure!"

Really funny jokes-Grief-stricken at grave

The grief-stricken man threw himself at the grave and cried bitterly, "My wife, oh how senseless is it! How worthless this carcass about me, because you are gone. If only you had lived, if only fate had not been so cruel as to take you from this world, how everything would have been different."
A clergyman nearby overheard him and said, "I assume the person lying beneath this mound of earth was someone of great importance to you."
"Importance? Indeed it was," wept the man. "It's my wife's first husband!"

Adult jokes-Sick men

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual.
The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."
The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.
The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey.
No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.
His companions, somewhat shaken up, left the bar, realizing how seriously they must take the doctor's words. As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.
The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

Humor jokes-Mom eats birds

Little Johnny was all out of sorts one morning. When his father asked him what the problem was the kid said, "I'm mad at mommy, cause she eats birds."
His father said he didn't know what Little Johnny was talking about.
Little Johnny replied, "I was up late last night and heard noises coming from your bedroom. When I listened at your door, I heard mom say, 'should I swallow it or let it fly' !"

Really funny jokes-Texan in Irish pub

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. "
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

Funny jokes-Rolls Royce

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that's a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I've got one in my Yugo!"
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, "Yes I have a phone."
The driver of the Yugo says, "Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I've got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, "Yes, I have a refrigerator. "
The driver of the Yugo says, "That's great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!"
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, "Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!"
The driver of the Yugo says, "Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!"
Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls- Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.
So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn't any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.
"I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce, " the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?!?!"

Really funny jokes-Laughing at pregnant lady

This is from an actual trial in the UK : A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her, she began feeling humiliated on account of her condition.
She changed her seat and he seemed more amused.
She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.
Then the case came before the court, the young man was asked why he acted in such a manner.
His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant.
She sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins'.
I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which read: 'William's Stick Did The Trick'.
Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'

Adult jokes-The secretary's seduction

The middle aged secretary had never been married and had had enough of work, as well as the single life. It was no secret that she was looking to get married.
As she came back from her lunch hour with another bag from the drug store, a co-worker said, "In the past 3 weeks you've bought enough birth control pills to last a year, lots of vaginal foam, flavored douches, several diaphragms and Lord knows how many condoms. And you don't even have a boyfriend. Whom are you trying to seduce?"
She smiled slyly and replied, "The Druggist, silly."

Humor jokes-Travelling to Alaska

A man and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska-a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking.
He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog team instead of a car. "If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilization, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife.
She replied, "You."

Short humor jokes-Support family

"Do you think you are earning enough to support a family?" the older man asked the suitor.
"Think carefully now," said Gina's father. "There are twelve of us..."

Really funny jokes-Sardar's suicide

A Sardar decided to kill his unfaithful wife and himself. He put the gun on his own forehead and told his wife while pulling the trigger,
"Don't feel so glad about this, next its your turn!!!

Adult jokes-Sex boutique

A woman was in a sex boutique shopping for vibrators when the clerk said, "Perhaps you might be interested in this one. It's our most realistic model."
The woman said, "You mean it's shaped exactly like a man's penis?"
"No," the clerk replied, "I mean that after five minutes it goes soft for the rest of the night."

Kids jokes-The whale

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

Adult joke - Virgin Bride

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, they guy reaches for his cigarettes but the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently born foal. Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!"

Sardar jokes-Engine failure

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Delhi to Kolkata, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."
Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry. We can fly just fine on two engines."
An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry. We still have one engine left."
A young Sardar passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

Really funny jokes-Golfer's Brother-in-Law

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad that once I'd hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try".
"That's no good" sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help".
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!"
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.
"I can't remember"

Funny jokes-Equal Opportunity !

A dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined a bit.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager. The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign also says you have to be good with a computer."
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect spreadsheet that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time, the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went over to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual." The dog looked at that manager calmly and said, "Meow."

Adult joke - Five dollars

One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mommy, I got five dollars!"
The mother was curious, so she asked her child where she got the five dollars from.
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me five dollars for doing cartwheel while he sat in the tree."
The mother told her daughter, "Don't you know that Tommy is just trying to see your panties."
"OOOOhhhh" said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling,
"Mommy, I got ten dollars."
The mother asked, "Where did you get the ten dollars from?"
The little girl replied, "Tommy down the street gave me ten dollars for doing a cartwheel while he sat up in the tree."
The mother replied, "Didn't I tell you that he is..."
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, "It's ok Mommy. I tricked him, I didn't wear any panties today."

Really funny jokes-Can little girls have babies?

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"
"No," said his mom, "Of course not."
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

More jokes on Drinking-Cheers!

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:
"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this....... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and the weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster & more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Humor jokes-Amazing quotes on Drinking!

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy
-------

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day"
~Frank Sinatra
-------

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman
-------

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright
-------

"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke
-------

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin
-------

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry
-------

To some, it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~Dave Howell

Really funny jokes-Out on a limb......

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Adult jokes-Fly

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His assistant walked up to him and said, "This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?" The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, "When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?"
She smiled and said, "No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires."

Really funny jokes-Revival meeting

On the first night he pulled his revival meeting tent into the Southern town, Preacher Bob had a full house. After a long, rousing and sweaty revival meeting, Preacher Bob says to the crowd, "Now I know that some of you have been he'in and she'in without the benefit of the sacrament of marriage. Those of you guilty of this grievous sin are not welcome back in this tent until you have gotten right with Jesus."
The next night the revival tent is only half full.
After going through the same long, rousing and sweaty revival meeting, Preacher Bob says to the crowd, "Now I know that some of you have been he'in and he'in with- out the benefit of the sacrament of marriage. Those of you guilty of this grievous sin are not welcome back in this tent until you have gotten right with Jesus."
The next night the revival tent in only one quarter full.
After going through the long, rousing and sweaty revival meeting the third night, Preacher Bob says to the crowd, "Now I know that some of you have been she'in and she'in without the benefit of the sacrament of marriage. Those of you guilty of this grievous sin are not welcome back in this tent until you have gotten right with Jesus."
The next night there is only one man left in the audience. It was ol' Klem, a middle aged virgin due to his lack of sex appeal, even by hillbilly standards.
Preacher Bob says, "Now brother, you should feel proud that you are still able to come to this tent tonight. I want you to testify! Testify how it is that you are able to join me tonight in this holy tent!"
Klem responds, "Shit preacher, you didn't say nothin' bout me-in and me-in!"

Sardar jokes-Puzzle

Two Sardar walk into a bar, each orders a drink. They go and sit down and start toasting and cheering, "51 days! 51 Days!!" About five minutes later, another Sardar walks in, orders a drink, and joins the other two in the cheering.
Finally, another Sardar walks in with what looks like a picture. He puts the picture thing in the middle of the table, and starts cheering with the others, "51 days!51 days!!
The Bartender starts too get really curious, so he walks over to discover that the picture is a Puzzle. He walks over to one of the Sardar and asks, "What on earth are you doing??"
"Well," the Sardar says, "everyone thinks Sardar are so stupid, so we proved them wrong. On the box of this puzzle, it says 2-4 years, but we finished it in only 51 days!!!

SMS jokes

Enjoy following 4 funny SMS Jokes.

What is the similarity between BRA and BAR ?
Ans : Both are the places where men go crazy when they are open.


Thank you for ur support last year.
With ur help we have achieved good sales.
Pleased with ur kind support
"M.D.Beverages Corporation"


2day's forecast says there'll be heavy rain in ur area.Pls don't miss the chance ..........take a bath.


Father : What were the 2 hardest things u learned in college?
Son : Opening beer bottles with teeth and lighting cigarettes with only one match left in heavy wind.