To catch a wink

Roger shouted at his neighbour Rick, "Can you ask your dog to shut up. He has been barking non-stop since several hours. I have a severe headache from last night's drinking and trying hard to catch a wink."

Rick replied, "I am sure my dog will calm down as soon as you vacate his kennel."

Dennis the Tomcat

Mr. Smith, neighbor to the Martins, found that their tomcat named Dennis was running all around the neighborhood, on footpaths, in dark alleys, on the rooftops. Mr. Smith called Mr. Martin and asked, "Is everything all right with your cat? He has been running around like crazy."

Mr. Martin replied, "Nothing to worry. Dennis has been neutered today, he must be running around cancelling appointments."

NatGeo enthusiasts

Two NatGeo enthusiasts, Gary and Robbie, were exploring the jungles, when a big tiger sprang out of the bushes in front of them.

Gary whispered to Robbie, "Stay calm! Don't move."

Robbie asked Gary if he remembered what they had seen about tigers on NatGeo. Gary replied, "Yes, I do. If you stand still and look the tiger in the eye, he will turn around and go away."

Robbie said, "Yes, I have seen it on NatGeo. You have seen it on NatGeo. But has the tiger seen it on NatGeo?"

Jet speed

"Wow", said an eagle to another, "Did you notice that speed of that jet plane? Isn't that something?"

The other eagle, clearly unimpressed, said, "Big deal! You would be flying at the same speed if your tail was on fire!"

Karma

A guy had a racehorse named Karma. Karma had never won a race and his owner was pretty mad about it. There was another race coming up and the owner warned Karma,"If you do not win this race today, you will have to pull a milk-wagon from tomorrow morning."

The race begins, and all horses started off with a bang....but wait a minute, there was Karma, fast asleep at the starting point of the track. The furious owner kicked him and asked, "Why the hell are you sleeping??"

Karma replied, rudely awaken from his slumber, replied "Just resting so I can get up at 4 in the morning."

Flea infested

Mrs. Thatcher was seated at the park when she noticed a man take the leash off his dog so that the dog could roam around freely in the park. She said to the man, "Do you mind keeping the pet next to you, mister. I can already feel a flea in my sneakers."

The man called out to his pet, "Buzo, please come here. That lady has fleas."

Strategy for survival

Ronald Gabriel was known for his love for golf. How good he was at the sport is another story.

Once while playing, the golf ball landed on an ant-hill. Ronald swung at the ball sitting on the ant-hill. One could see an explosion of mud and ants flying in the air. Everything seemed to have moved but not the golf ball which had not budged from its place.

So Ronald gave it another try and again mud & ants flew in all directions but the golf ball remained where it was.

Two ants, Rub & Dub, who had survived the assault were discussing their strategy for survival.

Rub asked, "What do you think should we do?"

Dub replied, "The only sensible thing to do is to get on the ball as as soon as possible."

Vet dilemma

Mary took her husband Pat to a veterinary doctor. She said to the Vet, "Doctor, my husband is unwell. I want you to treat him."

The Vet said to Mary, "But I am animal doctor. I do not treat humans."

Mary said, "The reason I got him here is that he kicks like a donkey in his sleep!"

A different kind of gig

Rex, a saxophone player was frustrated because he was not getting any work. He called his agent who told him that there were no shows that he could help him with, however, he could get him a gig catching tigers to sterilize them.

Rex was upset and asked his agent what had it got to do with his musical talents. The agent told Rex that they paid 200 bucks per tiger caught.

Rex accepts the offer out of desperation. He goes to the jungle with his saxophone. He sees a tiger moving towards him. Not knowing what else to do, he starts playing his saxophone. The tiger starts getting sleepy and dozes off. He puts the tiger in a bag and hauls it into the pick up truck.

He finds another tiger and again starts playing a ballad on his instrument. The tiger falls asleep and Rex puts it in the truck. He does this all day and secures 49 tigers. He is just about to call it a day when he sees another tiger. He starts playing his instrument again but sees that the tiger continues to advance towards him. Rex plays faster but the tiger starts running towards him. He plays faster but the tiger is almost on top of him and kills him.

One of the tiger on the pick up truck says to another, "I was sure when he gets to our deaf brother, the gig would be over."

Aggressive bull

Farmer Joe's latest addition to his farm was a young cow. The moment the cow entered the farm gate, Joe's big bull spotted her and started stomping it's feet. It became aggressive and started kicking and jumping.

Farmer Joe feared the bull would knock her up. He wanted the cow to feel at home first before letting her out with the bull. So he consulted the local vet who advised Joe to tie a big curtain around the cow's rump to keep the bull away.

Joe did just that and went to sleep. The next morning, he went to check on the cow but she was nowhere to be seen. Joe followed the trail of her steps to a distance and noticed a young boy sitting near a pond. Farmer Joe asked the young boy if he had seen a cow with a curtain tied around her rump.

The young lad replied, "Don't know that, sir, but I saw one run by with a handkerchief sticking out of her behind!"

No horns?

When Annabelle decided to take a break from city life, she landed in a small village in the outskirts of the city.

Enjoying her sabbatical, she ventured into a farm. Patting one of the animals, she asked the farmer, "Why is this cow without horns?"

Farmer Joe was silent for a moment. Then he said, "Let me explain to you ma'am. Cattle can sometimes cause harm with horns, so we use various measures to prevent the harm. Either we trim 'em with a chainsaw,
or we catch them young & apply acid where horns grow to stop the growth. There are also breeds that don't grow horns at all. But none of the above reasons applies to this cow. You know why? Cos it's a horse!"

Animal jokes-Dogs and masters

Two dogs were discussing their lives and their masters in general. The first dog whose owner was a speaker in the House of Parliament said: “My master is a speaker of the House, responsible for maintaining discipline in the House. When I bark consistently, he keeps repeating "'Please….please….silence please.' It’s so funny."

The second dog said: “Your master at least speaks to you. Mine is an MP (Member of Parliament). He keeps barking like us dogs at every one including me. To add insult to injury, he has put a board on his gate ‘Beware of dog.’ Talk about his audacity.

Ode to a Cat

Ode To A Cat

I think that I shall never see
A cat that sheds as much as thee
Thy fur that sticks is all around
On chairs, on mats in little mounds
I sweep the floor, you shed some more
I wash the rug and you just shrug
You should give thanks I tolerate that
Or you would be a crew cut cat.

Short funny jokes-Cross the road

Laurel: I am sure you don't know the answer to this one - why did the Tyrannosaurus rex cross the road?

Hardy: Easy, that's because the chicken wasn't invented yet.

Really funny jokes-Rules for Non-Pet Owners who complain

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:

They live here. You don't.

If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"-niture)

I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and won't get pregnant because they've been "fixed."

Cat's birthday

It was my cat, Toby's 3rd birthday and I was worrying about buying a birthday present for her.

My wife commented, "Why don't you look something up in the CAT-ALOGUE".

Photographer with a dog

Mark the photographer has a dog with one leg missing. You know what he calls his dog?

Tripod.

Animal testing

John is a PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) member and is discussing animal welfare with his friend Ludwik.

John says, "Animal testing is such a cruel and bad practice."

Ludvick comments, "Yeah, they get all nervous and give the wrong answers."

Running in circles

John: I don't know why but my Dalmatian keeps running in circles.

Jose: I am sure he finds it difficult to run in rectangles!

Toilet paper

Manny: Sid, the Sloth brought toilet paper to the happening party. Do you know why?

Ellie: Why?

Manny: 'Cos he was a party pooper.