A different kind of motivation

A successful entrepreneur won a business award in the IT field and was asked by a reporter as to how he managed to motivate his workers to come to office on time.

The entrepreneur replied, "Oh, that' easy. I have 45 people working for me but only 44 parking lots without pay. I charge for the last lot. 

Judge joke-Odd figure

The Judge charged Peter with rape and pronounced in the court, "You are to undergo ten years of rigorous imprisonment and you are charged with a fine of 10608 dollars."

Peter asked, "I did not understand the odd figure of 10608 dollars."

The Judge replied, "10000 dollars for rape, 4% for local taxes and 2% entertainment tax."

With all that wealth

Justin was caught red-handed misappropriating funds of the organization he worked for. So he ran to his lawyer who assured him by saying, "Relax Justin. You will never go to prison with all that wealth!"

The lawyer was right. Actually when Justin was put behind bars, he did not have a penny on him!

Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

Late at work again

Mr. Jones says angrily to his secretary Mary, "You are late at work twice this week! What is the meaning of this?"

Mary replies, "It means it's only Tuesday!"


Source: www.reallyshortfunnyjokes.net

The new employee

The Admin Head of a large organization called for the new employee to see him in his office.

Once the new employee was seated, the Admin Head asked, "What's your name?"

The new employee replied, "Jonathan."

The Admin Head snapped, "Listen, I have no idea what kind of a place you worked at before, but out here, I call everyone here by their surnames. If I start calling people by their first names, they would start taking things lightly. So, its Smith, Williams, Brown - that's it. Now that I have made myself clear, tell me your last name."

The new employee said, "My last name is Honey."

The Admin Head said, "Okay Jonathan, I will arrange for an orientation and then...."

Upset boss

My boss, Mr. Somel was upset with me for coming late to work.

He shouted at me saying, "You should have been here at 9 am."

I replied, "Why? What happened at 9?"

MBA joke

The Tata group of companies decided to invite bids for their new Power generation plant. They called for bidders, and three companies decided to bid.

At the meeting, the Project Head of the Tata group asked the first bidder to quote his price.

The CEO of the first company who had done his MBA from Symbiosis said, "5 million. 3 mil for material and 2 mil for labour."

The Project Head then asked the CEO of the second company to present his bid.

The CEO of the second company who had done his MBA from NMIMS said, "10 million. 4 mil for material, 3 mil for labour, and another 3 for variable expenses."

The Project Head then asked the CEO of the third company to present his bid.

The CEO of the third company who was a product of IIM said, "15 million."

The project Head yelled, "15 million!!! What is the breakdown of costs?"

The CEO of the third company replied, "5 million for you. 5 for me. And 5 mil to get the fellow from Symbiosis to do the project."

Habitual late-comer

Gabriel was a late-comer. He would always be late to work and had been reprimanded many times by his boss, Mr. Ambrose. The problem with Gabriel was that he just could not get himself to leave the bed in the morning. When he was late once again during the busy last week of the month, Mr. Ambrose gave him a final warning, "One more time you are late, and you are permanently out of here."

Gabriel went to see a doctor and narrated his predicament. The doctor gave him a few medicines and asked him to take it after meals.

Gabriel felt relaxed and got up early in the morning. He had a hearty breakfast and made it to his office before time.

The moment he saw Mr. Ambrose walk in, Gabriel said, "Well Mr. Ambrose, I will not give you a reason to get upset again. I feel fresh as a Daisy!"

"That's okay" said Mr. Ambrose, "But why were you not in office yesterday?"

An office joke

The Admin and HR head in my organization pulled a fast one on all employees during the lunch break on the last day of the financial year. He announced, "Everyone pay attention, we are going to pay a little game. Your increment will depend on whether you play this game successfully."

He continued, "I will announce the name of a fruit, and as soon as you hear it, you all have to move to the left side of the hall. If i announce the name of a colour, everyone has to move to the right side of the hall. Anyone who moves in the wrong direction misses his or her pay hike this year.Clear to everyone?"

Everybody nodded in the affirmative.

The Admin and HR head then announced, "Okay...ready? ORANGE!!"

Loud noises from the hall, "WTF!!"

Civilized talk

When Antonio learnt about his wife, Mary's having an extra-marital affair, he availed the services of a private detective to get proof. The private detective followed Mary and gathered enough evidence about her affair with a banker.

Antonio was convinced that he could still save his marriage if he could get the banker out of the way.

Being a man of the 21st century, he decided to handle the matter in a professional and refined manner. So he sent a mail to Mary's banker boyfriend. It read:

Sir

It has been brought to my notice that you are dating my wife.
In order to settle this matter amicably and in a civilized manner, I propose that you come and visit me at my office at 5 pm on Thursday evening.

Rgds


The banker was amused to gat a formal letter in such a case. So, he mailed the following reply:
 

Sir
 

I acknowledge receipt of your group mail. I hereby confirm my attendance at the seminar in your office lecture hall.
 

Rgds

Dress code

Nancy was employed in the Human Resources department of a large multinational. Having graduated recently from college, her job was to impart training to employees in corporate dress code and conduct.

She was stepping into the elevator one day when a man sporting a french beard, and dressed casually in cargoes and t-shirt, entered with her.

Reminded of her responsibilities, Nancy taunted, "Dressed a little too casually for a Thursday, aren't we?"

The man with the french beard replied, "Just one of the perks of owing the company!"

Really funny jokes-College graduate

A young guy got a job of a trainee in a supermarket.

On his first day at work, he reached in time, eager to make a fresh beginning. The manager welcomed him with a warm smile and giving him a broom, said, "Your first job will be to sweep the floor."

The young guy protested,"But I'm a college graduate"

"Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, hand me the broom, I will show you how to sweep the floor."

The phases of a Project

I learnt at my workplace that every project goes through the following phases.

• Enthusiasm
• Disillusionment
• Panic
• Search for the guilty
• Punishment of the innocent
• Praise and honors for the non-participants.

Hilarious jokes-Perfect opening

Tommy applied for a job with the Chinalink building society. He meticulously completed the application form and handed it over to the Officer-in-charge, who studied it and when he had finished said "With your credentials, I have the perfect opening for you."

"Great!" Tommy replied.

"It’s called the door" the Officer-in-charge said sternly "Now get out".

Really funny jokes-Simple exercises for Keyboard jockeys

Some tips for people who hate to exercise.

For those keyboard jockeys (those with jobs that require sitting at a computer all day) who don't want to spend the money for those fancy exercise machines, here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week is best.

Begin by standing (in your cubicle works well) with a five pound potato sack in each hand. Extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can.

After a few weeks, move up to ten pound potato sacks and then fifty pound potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a one hundred pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Next, start putting a few potatoes in the sacks.

Employment clause

When Tina returned from  a job interview, her boyfriend asked her how the interview went.

"Went well," said Tina, "but if I take up the job, I won't get a vacation until I get married."

Her boyfriend said, "Never heard of a clause like that! What exactly did they tell you?"

Tina replied, "The application read: 'Vacation cannot be taken until the candidate completes her First Anniversary.'"

Very funny jokes-Swipe

Working at a small office in the countryside, I found my colleague Katy put a credit card into her floppy drive and then pulling it out in an instant.

Bewildered, I asked what was she up to.

Her answer gave me the creeps. Katy replied she was shopping on the net and the website was constantly asking for a credit card number, so she decided to "swipe" her card in the floppy drive.

Really funny jokes-General director

Mark met his former class-mate, Bruce and they had a good talk about their school days.

The topic diverted to their current occupations.

“I am a general director of my own company,” boasted Bruce.

“But I came to know from common friends that you were just a director,” said Mark.

“It was earlier when I was alone, but now I hired a guy, and there are two people in the company - he is the director, and I am the general director.”

Hilarious jokes-Market broker

I'm thinking of leaving my husband, complained Amy, my yoga batch mate and the wife of a stock market broker. "All he ever does is stand at the end of the bed and tell me how good things are going to be."

How old?

An employer was taking interview of a prospective candidate.

Employer: “Have you ever worked anywhere else?”

Candidate: “Yes, sir.”

Employer: “For how long?”

Candidate: “Twenty years.”

Employer: “And how old are you?”

Candidate: “Twenty five years, sir.”

Employer: “How is it possible that you are all of twenty five and you have worked for twenty years?”

Candidate: “I was taking overtime into consideration, sir.”