Clean jokes-Forgot

The surgeon told his patient who woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."
"Well, if it's just because of them, I'd rather pay for them if you just leave me alone."

Sardar jokes-Mental deficiency

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a party and his host, Banta, naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.
"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Banta asked "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'
Banta thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

Jokes funny-Free To Leave

In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of it's most reformed patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave. This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike.
They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for her questioning.
When Patty came into the office, she was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor. "Patty, you know the tradition of this institution, so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor with a rather sly grin. Patty nodded, and the doctor began to question her.
The first question was this: "Patty, if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what would happen?"
"I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought.
"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"
"I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that she had just gotten her freedom.
The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.
When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty.
"Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?"
"I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.
This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. "Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"
"I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.
But then the doctor asked him what his reasoning was, and he said flatly, "Me hat would fall down over me eyes."

Short funny jokes-Nuts

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well ... I can clearly see your nuts."

Really funny jokes-Golf partner

On a busy Med floor the doctor stops the nurse to brief her on a patient's condition. "This patient is a fellow physician and my favorite golf partner. His injury is serious and I fear he will not be able to play golf again unless you follow my orders exactly."
The doctor then began listing orders:
"You must give an injection in a different location every twenty minutes followed by a second injection exactly five minutes after the first."
"He must take two pills at exactly every hour followed by one pill every fifteen minutes for eight hours."
"He must drink no more and no less than ten ounces of water every twenty-five minutes and must void between.
"Soak his arm in warm water for fifteen minutes then place ice for ten minutes and repeat over and over for the rest of the day."
"Give range of motion every thirty minutes."
"He requires a back rub and foot rub every hour."
"Feed him something tasty every hour."
"Be cheerful and do whatever he asks at all times.
"Chart his condition and vital signs every twenty minutes."
"You must do these things exactly as I ordered or his injury will not heal properly, and he will not able to play golf well."
The nurse left the doctor and entered the patient's room. She was greeted by anxious family and an equally anxious patient. All asked the nurse what the doctor had said about the patient.
The nurse started, "The doctor said that you will live." Then quickly reviewing the orders, the nurse added, "But you will have to learn a new sport."

Doctor jokes-Emergency Call

“Hurry!” the doctor commanded his teenage daughter, “Put my stethoscope and medicine box in my car. That was an emergency call from someone who says he will die if I do not turn up immediately.”
“Papa, that call was not for you but for me,” replied the girl saucily.

Doctor jokes-Prescription

A doctor got a call from a very excited woman, “My son just swallowed the aspirins, what shall I do?”
He replied, “Give him a headache, what else?”

Doctor jokes-Constipation

An old lady went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.
“It’s terrible,” she said, “I haven’t moved my bowels in a week.”
“I see. Have you done anything about it?” asked the doctor.
“Naturally,” she replied, “I sit in the bathroom for a half- hour in the morning and again at night.”
“No,” the doctor said, “I mean do you take anything?”
“Naturally,” she answered, “I take a book.”

Doctor jokes-HMO

Todd was in his hospital bed and had been getting many tests done. A nurse came in and stated, "I have bad news and good news. Which do you want first?"
"Tell me the bad news first" said Todd.
The nurse replies, "The bad news is that your HMO refuses to pay for you to have an enema. But, the good news is that your doctor will be in shortly to slap the crap out of you."

Doctor jokes-Expensive treatment

A woman called her doctor to complain about her husband's snoring. "Is there anything you can do?"
"Well, there is one operation that will cure your husband, but it's rather expensive. $1,000 plus $450 a month for 36 months."
"My god!" exclaimed the woman, "that's like leasing a sports car!"
"Hmm," the doctor murmured. "Too obvious, eh?"

Doctor jokes-Memory problem

One patient came in and said, 'Doctor, I have a serious memory problem.'
The doctor asked, 'When did it start?'
The man replied, When did what start?'

Doctor jokes

Let me tell you about my doctor

He gave a patient six months to live. At the end of the six months, the patient hadn't paid his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
While he was talking to me, his nurse came in and said, ' Doctor, there is a man here who thinks he's invisible.' The doctor said, 'Tell him I can't see him.'
Another time a man came-running in the office and yelled, 'Doctor, doctor!! My son just swallowed a roll of film!!' The doctor calmly replied, 'Let's just wait and see what develops.'

Humor jokes-Ladies man

Bill had been quite the ladies man and player all his life, but now that he was getting up there in age, his doctor was getting concerned about him.
"Bill," advised the doctor, "I can add 15 more years to your life if you will just quit your old routine of wine, women, and song."
Bill thought for a few minutes, then said, "Tell you what doc, I'll settle for five more years and just give up singing."

Doctor jokes-Came back

Nurse: Hello. I'm calling about the check you wrote. It came back.
Patient: So did my arthritis.

Doctor jokes-Surgery

"I had surgery this year. Nothing serious, thank God. But just before I went under I heard the one thing you don't want to hear, 'Where's my lucky scalpel?'"
-Jonathan Ketz

Short doctor jokes-Two places

When I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places, he told me to stop going to those places.

Doctor jokes-Forgetful

The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him.
"Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there - if I get there; so I really need your help. What can I do?"
The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."

Doctor jokes-Ringing

I remember one time I told my doctor I had a ringing in my ears.
His advice: 'Don't answer it.'

Doctor jokes-On my feet

"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks."
"And did he?"
"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill."

Doctor jokes-Walking

An old fellow came into the hospital truly on death's door due to an infected gallbladder. The surgeon who removed the gallbladder was adamant that his patients be up and walking in the hall the day after surgery, to help prevent blood clots forming in the leg veins. The nurses walked the patient in the hall as ordered, and after the third day the nurse told how he complained bitterly each time they did. The surgeon told them to keep walking him.
After a week, the patient was ready to go. His family came to pick him up and thanked the surgeon profusely for what he had done for their father. The surgeon was pleased and appreciated the thanks, but told them that it was really a simple operation and we had been lucky to get him in time. "But doctor, you don't understand," they said, "Dad hasn't walked in over a year!"